My mom has moderate Alzheimer’s disease and has expressed many times her desire to stay at home. Her power of attorney tricked her (by lying) and moved her into a memory care assisted living home. She is miserable, depressed, and cries all the time. I want to help her get out. What can I do, if anything at all?
Don’t do it. Do make peace with the POA if you can - and visit her often to try to bring some happiness to her if you can.
My husband and I had just retired and had all these plans which we put on the back burner. One of our friends same age passed and that was the breaking point. We talked about our situation and came to the agreement that we would place Dad in Assisted Living facility for spring and summer. I had POA medical. It is now the end of summer and we have come to the conclusion that Dads going to be ok where’s he at. I visit three times a week and bring him on outing, doctors Being a caregiver 24/7 to a family member with dementia is a very very difficult situation.
I look at it now like we hired a group of people to help my husband and myself take care of my Dad in the best possible safety happy environment.
What can you do? Visit her often. Talk to her, listen to her, followup on her complaints, and tell her what is going on, and convince her that where she is, is the right place for her by pointing out the advantages that she has by being in MC. The major issue with MC is that the nurses and residents there, are incapable of creating and maintaining deep relationships. That is something you can fill in, you can be that person that she can share stuff with, you can be the voice of reason, you can be the person that allows her to be her no matter how she is feeling.
Listen to her, question her complaints by asking for more details, followup on the legitimate complaints, be honest with her, and if anything involves saying that she wants out or to go home, point out the good things about staying just where she is.
Miserable, depressed and cries all the time unfortunately is normal for people with memory issues. So is paranoia, anxiety, short tempered, calling out, etc. Dementia is a horrible disease.
Personally, I don't like the drugs. In my own personal case, it is too easy to overdose and make me drowsy and my head woozy. Instead, help your Mom to feel like she has the ability to control her environment. Now is the time to step up and be the type of person you've always admired in others.
If you plan to be her 24/7 care provider - perhaps make that offer to the POA. But fully expect zero compensation for doing that job and zero assistance- because the POA has already done what they think is in her best interest.
When you say they "tricked her" - what do you mean? Because many people with memory care issues quickly lose short term memory and may not even recall the conversations leading up to the decision. It is far more likely that she was made aware but does not remember. Or as lealonnie said - a therapeutic lie was the only option to get her somewhere safe.
As far as being unhappy - you don't meet too many people that are happy about being moved to facility based care. It's not home, they no longer have full control of things like their meals (timing, the food itself, etc), they have to wait their turn for assistance.
But the greater question is - does she NEED to be there? If so, perhaps your better option is to visit more, call more, encourage her to find peace there.
Please don't encourage the return home - that only makes things harder for her.
Why did mother not appoint you as her POA, I wonder? That's something to think about as you decide whether or not to hire an attorney to help you get conservatorship for her. It's good to note that even if you're successful in getting her out of the Memory Care, she STILL may cry and beg to go "home" once she gets back to her house. Many elders with one of the dementias do just that even when they're AT home.
Best of luck to you in your quest to keep mom safe.
So I'm wondering if maybe the POA sees somethings you do not. Or are not ready to admit to.
Also the POA is responsible in caregiving so maybe the POA just wants your mom someplace safe.
I didn't read others comments, I'm not sure if I'm repeating what others have said. If so I do apologize. Often I like to reply without others though and feelings in my head.
Best of luck, welcome to are forum
Make mom more comfortable in her new surroundings and any time she brings up going home, turn it around to something else. If her mind is feeble, as many here have said, going home could be a remembrance of a time in her life that was good, not necessarily the home she was in.
Everyone promises that the loved one can stay in their home but they never knew the underlying conditions of what it meant. It's not safe and it's not the child's responsibility to take them in. It's our responsibility to protect them now, do what's best for them. We are the parents and that's a tough one to get over, they aren't the same as they were. It's heartbreaking.
PS I found out that window stickers, colored plastic ones,really brightened the room. The sunlight and colors are soothing.
Every situation is different.
Learn how to speak to someone who has Alzheimer's.
Google TEEPA SNOW, watch her You Tubes, webinars.
Ask MD about medication.
Gena / Touch Matters
I feel your angst, but sometimes we may project what we desire rather than looking at the whole picture and what's best for the person suffering from AD. Perhaps your issue is with the person with POA. If so, it'd be advisable to talk things out with this person and come up with a workable solution that's best for your mom and everyone involved. In the meantime, try to help your mom as others have already suggested. Wishing you the best.
Kudos to the PoA for doing what needed to be done.
You can help her by not giving her any hope that she can return to independent living. That's no longer possible for her. There is what we "want" and then there is what we realistically can expect. They are two different things.
Tell her you are sorry but now she needs more care, that the move was necessary for her health and safety, that you will visit and are there to listen.
She is heartbroken and in despair. This is where we come to and it's very difficult. You aren't responsible for aging, for dementia, for heartbreak, for happiness.
Simply be kind and listen and tell her you understand how difficult this loss must be for her, and that you care.
Then what.
Are you prepared to give her the 24/7 care that she needs?
Are you prepared to give up your life and time with your friends and family to care for her?
And if your goal is to "keep m om at home" does that mean her home or yours? If her home are you prepared to move into her home? Are you prepared to move your family into her home?
If you are going to keep her in her home and you are not going to move in you will need caregivers 24/7.
If you move her into your home she will still want to "go home". (and if you read a current post...even if she is in her own home she may not recognize it as her home)
In order to move her you will have to prove in court that you can care for her better, or at least as well as the MC facility she is in.
You will have to prove that the POA for Health and the POA for Finances did not make the best decision for your mom.
You will also have to obtain Guardianship through the Court and you will have to comply with all the rules and regulations of Guardianship (not easy, nor inexpensive)
If you want to help mom...
Visit.
Reinforce that she is safe, that she is in her new home.
Bring her treats that you know she likes.
Take her for walks around her new home.
Before you leave get her involved with an activity and quietly slip out, don't make a big deal of you leaving.
You must remember that folks with broken brains will mirror the attitudes of those around them, so make sure that you're positive and upbeat when you go visit her and do things with her that she enjoys.
Dementia sucks, and all we can do for our loved ones with dementia is try and make their lives as good as possible no matter where they live.
Then what ? Are you prepared to move in with Mom ? Mom needs care 24/7. She can not be alone . You would be giving up your life .
Read threads here in the burn out section . Mom needs a village . She will continue to decline , and the care gets too difficult for one person .
Most elderly say they want to stay in their own home . Your Mom does not understand that she isn’t safe home alone . The focus is now on what she needs , not what she wants .
Try this to help her adjust .
“ Mom , the doctor says this is where you need to be “.
Giving her false hope of leaving , will hinder her adjustment .
Since your Mom is in the correct level of care for her , I doubt you would win an expensive fight for guardianship .
There is much you can do.
Offer emotional support.
Visit or call. Hug or hold hands if that's your way. Let her express her emotions. If she sad, she is sad. It is OK to feel sad. It's normal. Accept that.
Bring little things of interest, cards, photos, flowers. Try to engage your Mom into the activities on offer in Memory Care. Support building connections to people in her new home.
"I want to help her get out".
Why?
How would that help her?
Change focus: To helping her ADJUST.
Alzheimer’s disease progressss from mild to moderate to advanced. People are not able to live independantly & required round the clock care.
Better to be realistic.
PS It is perfectly normal for you to feel sad too.