Follow
Share

I ask this question with great need of direction. I moved in with both my elderly parents after my divorce. My mother was diagnosed with COPD and I became her primary caregiver as well as my father's confidant. I work full time and worked around my mother's needs. After her death, my father had a stroke. I retired my position from work to help him recover in the safety of his home. Both my sisters only participated in the decisions of care when hospitalizations were required. They both insisted that dad go to an assisted living so that they could continue his therapy and care. After a month in the hospital, dad wanted to come home. I let my sister's know of his wants and they rejected stating that he needed the care and he has the money. I felt it was my job to do what dad wanted. I took him home and my sisters would not help because of it. They also blamed me when dad was not advancing like he should. He soon fell and broke his bones and again was hospitalized then followed up with rehabilitation center for 1 month. When it was time for out of pocket expense, dad wanted to come home. At that time, I found full time work and needed other committed people to help dad achieve this goal. My sisters again wanted him in a facility telling him that they did not need his money and that he was to spend his savings. I had my support and a care plan in progress. We built him a ramp and took him home. He needed 24 hour care. I planned on staying home, but requested to be paid. My sisters objected to this request wanting again assistant living. Dad said no. He was willing to pay me. My sisters feel that I am not involving them when it comes to big decisions. Through out the years, I had little contact with them and they only invited my parents to family events. Now I am called the employee and that I should have a list of my duties and what I am not to do. The POA is my little sister, and through our dad's care (and some of mom's when she was alive) does not agree with my plan. So, I am afraid that if dad does not change the POA to my authority then he has a high chance of beong placed in a home. When this was shared with my sister, she started yelling and accusing dad of changing the will. She was crying over an hour and dad finally told her he will not change the will. Even though she does not offer financial help, emotional support, nor any care for dad, she feels entitled to being the POA. She does not have dad's best interest in mind, and finds fault with everything I do. I am worried that she will abuse her power, and put her own feelings first. It will be difficult to be the primary caregiver with a toxic sister as the POA. I am constantly working full time and taking care of dad when I am not working. I have become resentful of my sisters and feel that they are always looking for something that I am doing wrong. I do not get compliments or positive reinforcment. I feel I am constantly defending myself with the decisions that dad makes. They both want to be put on the bank accounts to keep track of dad's money. I am not even on them nor have I requested to be. I feel I am not trusted and that they put a bug in dad's ear. Dad has not requested for a change of the will. At this point I am burnt out. The POA has given me disrespect and our relationship has turned toxic. She now spends her energy trying to prove that I am neglecting dads needs or taking advantage of him. I am not worried because there is nothing there. I do not know what to do at this point. Do I stay home to take full-time care of him and demand he changes his POA? Or do I continue to work full-time and go home?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I’m sorry, but you are really wanting to wrest poa plus have dad change his will so you can get a “new job” caring for him all the time? 168 hours a week? No one person can do 168 hours.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My sister who had POA, lived in another state, but I as well… she never came to visit. My aunt brought it up that my sister would probably not be able to do what was needed. We did have the POA changed. I hoped my parents would tell her. They did not.. my sister got over “ loosing her birth right” and admitted she wouldn’t have been a good candidate. I often wished it be her job.

sounds like your sister s ego is in play here. What does dad want ? Not what do you want, or sister want…. What’s the logical , if it were a business choice? Because let’s face it.. facts and circumstances need to be looked at without involving feelings. Needs assessment to needs.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If your dad is oriented have a talk with him about your concerns & sister's lack of concern & what she wants done. If he then agrees, take him to the same lawyer to have you named as POA, MPOA, & executer of estate. Do ASAP.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The one with the POA is the one who makes all the decisions when he’s no longer competent.

Please don’t make the same mistake I did. I was doing all the caring for my mom & sibling had POA. I had an argument with him & the next thing I knew he had taken my mom who had dementia to a lawyer & had her trust amended to benefit himself 100%.

Don’t wait to do this….best of luck to you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Most certainly you should have the POA if you are living with your father and taking care of him.
You should also be the executor of his will too. Does he have a will? Take him to the same lawyer he went to when he made the POA naming your sister. Change the POA and have him change the will if you will be the one caregiving for him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

No her sister POA will not override the new POA. They go by current dates and the Lawyers signature. i would keep all the papers in a safe place. not in the house because ur sisters will look for them. I would keep them in a safe deposit box or have a good good friend who does not know my sisters or they agree their not cool. I would let them hold on to the originals and keep copies in the house just in case i need them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

at the time ur dad thought ur sister would be a good POA. He thought wrong. sometimes as a parent u could assume ur making the right decisions and u can be totally off. in this case he was. ur sisters should automatically be happy ur willing to go all out. their so afraid of their own lives being disrupted. its sad. he can change it. just let him know u can make the decisions and changed them. don't push to hard just explain in details and get right on it before its to late.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

exercise never hurts once he's healed. most of the time its lack of exercising. we get lazy at some point.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

i would definitely document everything ur sisters are doing and not doing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

i'm reading the comments. someone said, get a lawyer . get ready to spend its just designed for out world to get a lawyer for everything. i would fight for my dad. as u can see sis get ur docs in order bc ur sisters are not going to look out for u. i would fight to the end. God Bless u!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm sorry ur going through this. i must say i commend u u are the best. God is going to bless u ur heart and intentions are in the right place. all ur sisters are thinking about is money and not wanting to be bothered. it's so sad. i say while ur father has all his cognitive going on and ur willing to go the extra-mile. which i feel is great than i would talk with dad have everything. i mean everything changed over to ur name. I'm very proud of u. Get u a lawyer. u and ur dad have a day u go out and enjoy life. find a daycare for him to meet ppl and have someone come in so u can have a day or half day for u to go out with a friend or get ur nails done or what have u. God Bless u and ur Dad. All u can do is do ur best and it shows u care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Thank you,

I do not hear this enough in my life. My dad would do the will change, however, when my sister found out she was very angry. Dad does not want to upset her, so it looks like Ill be kicked out , house sold, and bills paid to the nursing home.
(0)
Report
Sounds like it is too late for Dad to consent to a POA change. You can stretch the cognitive ability to create and sign a Will, but POA's require a higher threshold of mental capacity. Your only recourse is unfortunately an Elder Care Attorney. At this point you have 2 choices: court-directed POA or court-appointed Guardianship. Sounds like you will have a battle with your Sis either way. I'm in same boat. Her son past recently, the will-appointed EXECUTORS have declined to serve, and I can't file his probate without Guardianship. Everywhere you turn, there is a roadblock that diverts your way without an attorney. And as already addressed, some institutions won't accept the POA you paid good money for. First, Ask your banks, etc what they require, THEN use the attorney so it's done all at once. Either way, you're looking to have someone drain your valuable resources to get the docs you need. Best to You!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Your sister had an emotional outburst on your dad, demanding and crying and yelling that he not change the will. I think we know what her motive is, and it’s not the best care for your dad, it’s about her sense of entitlement and manipulative behavior, placing your dad under stress so he won’t change the will. I think you should talk to a lawyer.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Hi Sarah,

yes! I was flabergased at her behavior. I asked her to stop yelling at him or leave. She said she dont have to leave. I felt so sad for dad. He said he wouldnt change the will. We will talk to a lawyer.
(0)
Report
Of course you should have poa, it’s illogical that your sister has it, it’s important you do since your directly taking care of him. Your sisters sound pretty awful, it’s not about what they want and it seems like this is a control issue, you mentioned they didn’t invite you to events over the years. Very sad they’re not appreciative or recognize the value of all you do for your dad
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Hi Sarah 3,

I am very sad! If fact, if they come over now, I do not go and visit like I used too. I feel very uncomfterable around my older sister. My younger sister comes once every 2 months.
(0)
Report
TerrieLynn: Perhaps it would be a good idea to consult a social worker with your questions. Your father may indeed require managed care facility living, especially since he's falling and experiencing bone fractures.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Sarah3 Aug 2022
In regards to the issue of falling, there’s no shortage of seniors falling in facilities. I know someone who’s worked for a couple and said it happens all the time as much as people seem to give it as a reason to prevent it, there’s been discussions here on falls in assisted living and nursing homes
(2)
Report
See 3 more replies
Your description of the situation sounds like you are fulfilling your own needs to be a caregiver, rather than his need for the best care he can afford. What happens when you are exhausted from trying to carry all the load yourself, and bitter because your sisters did not agree with your approach to the problem? Who takes care of Dad then? Get rid of the hair shirt and work out a plan with your sisters for Dad to get the care he needs without exhausting you and a bunch of drama and family strife.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sarah3 Aug 2022
That’s a bold assumption for you to come up with about the op. There’s so much benefit to seniors remaining at home, in fact it’s known that moving them to a facility is correlated with decline not long after. Unless it’s absolutely necessary facilities should be a last resort, her dads wishes should be respected. Falls happen all the time in facilities. There’s a upscale assisted living not far from my town that a resident filed a lawsuit against for negligence.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Playing devils advocate here..
I am actually surprised that with POA your sister did not insist on your dad moving to AL. With a discharge from the hospital then a fall while under your care she might have pushed it.
POA is not effective unless your dad is not competent or can not make decisions for himself.
At this point if he is competent he can make sure YOUR name is on all his medical paperwork so that the doctors can discuss information with you and as long as he wishes you can help make decisions with him (as long as he is competent) Your sister with POA would not be able to get information from medical staff UNLESS her name is on HIPAA forms as well (until the POA is active).

Do you continue to work or stay and care for dad?
How old are you? If you have a retirement fund that is sufficient and you can begin to take Social Security then the choice is yours. If you do not have a retirement nest egg, if you have no other means of income other than what dad will pay you then you are better off continuing to work. If you chose to remain at home I would make sure that taxes are being taken out of the pay you are getting and that you are credited for Social Security. You will need that eventually. If you do not have retirement income, no savings, not enough to draw Social Security later who will support you? Who will pay for your care when you need it?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Thank you ,

I agree and yes, I have been taking him to all of his visits for over 4 years now. I am very close to his doctors. I am on all of his medical bills and even his insurance files to get information. Dad agreed to the change of fthe POA when she started to act really weird in the nursing home. But, once discussed with the POA, she totally got angry and hurt. She yelled and said that I am trying to get the house. After that dad feels that he was pressured and told her he wont change the will. I wanted to stay home with him and get paid what I make every 2 weeks. I make a little over a 1,000 every 2 weeks. It is a lot less that paying a facility to come to the house. But, my dad insisted that I keep working. I told him we need care for him when Iam at work if you do not want to pay me, you need to pay someone. I think he thought I was going to keep doing the same thing. Work , Work, and more work. I told him that he cant stay nome a lone anymore and that it could be considered neglect if I dont get him the proper care. I am 51 years old.
(0)
Report
POA is separate from a Will. Wills can be shared with you n your sisters. It’s not like TV where it’s read upon death in a law office. If he owns property should consider a trust. See an attorney.
Nursing home best bet. You will not be compensated for your sacrifices
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Yes, a PTO is different than a will. However, its the medical part that I am concerned about more than anything. I am not asking for any kink of compensation, other than to stay in the house for up to a year proceeding his death. This way I will have time to find my next home. This home is all I know. My dad already told me that he wont co-sign a house loan for me, or reduce the house rate so I can afford it. So I will be planning on moving after his death. Y ou think that I should advocate a nursing home for hIm? Yeah I think your right. I should start now to look for my outlet.
(0)
Report
I have been watching what a friend has been going through with first being the sibling caring for her father and now as executor of his will. Her brother is not emotionally able to help at all. She tried to get her father to give her access to all his accounts so she could keep track of payments and other things for him. They were slowly doing that when he died. She has found that many types of financial institutions have their own POAs and didn’t accept the general one from the lawyer. my brother, who is handling our mothers finances, is finding the same thing. I am the one who makes and drives her to appointments, checks in on her (she is at an independent living facility but also has a house of her own in another state where she spends much of her time) keeps track of health issues, finds her help, and other personal care she needs. My brother helps a little but doesn’t have the patience to deal with our mothers gradual cognitive decline. Right now she is two hours away by car so I can go up as often as needed but the house she prefers is a long plane flight for either me or my brother. It is easier for him to get the time to go there to visit but I am the one who calls her daily and finds people to help her, still “goes to”doctors appointments but by speaker phone and makes sure she is managing.
If my brother and I didn’t get along then I would want to have POA as well as the health proxy since I know her needs and the day to day of her life better than he does. Since he needs it for most of the financial issues I don’t mind him being POA but mostly because I do not want to handle that as well as her well being! We have gone for periods of time when we did not get along and also for a while my mother did not trust him with knowing about her finances and only discussed it with me. That is not my strong suit at all and he’s good at it so basically I’m the one who first pushed her to let him do that. I was not comfortable with him having that knowledge and power but I also knew I couldn’t handle it on top of everything else. In a recent meeting with the lawyer I also requested he be the executor rather than both of us.
Anyway, I have felt the stress of not getting along with the sibling with POA while I was doing the regular care and I do believe that you should have it in that case. I am lucky that my brother and I have resolved our issues and respect what the other is doing. Good luck with it all!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

A sentence your post that said it all…

“I felt it was my job to do what dad wanted.” You felt. It was your choice.

The second sentence that struck me

“He soon fell and broke his bones and again was hospitalized then followed up with rehabilitation center for 1 month”. 

He won’t like it, however your Dad will be better cared for in a nursing home. You and your sisters will not have to worry about money since he has the funds. The nursing home will deplete his finds rather quickly and after that, Medicaid and be applied for. And there won’t be anything monetary or material left for you and your family to squabble over.

Your Dad need to be safe and cared for by professionals. He doesn’t need to be placed in the middle of sisters/family carrying on about who gets what and who does what.

Grow up and let money and material things go and get your Dad into a place where he’s safe. Visit all you can. Get back your own life.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Thank you Donttestme for your feedback,

Its not about the money as it was about keeping dad safe. He was discharged to go home by the facility he did rehab with. They even came out to the house to make sure it was safe place to be. I worked in a nursing home for a couple of years. I seen first hand how people can be neglegted do to shorstaffed and incompitent staff. I have seen elderely people fall, medicine errors, and residence sit in soil for hours before they got proper care. If at all possible, I do not want my loved one to go there unless there is no other choice for his care. You are missing the point of what is best or safe for our family. You focused on money when that will be spent on a homehealth aid. You focused on the money being spent towards a nursing home and there will be nothing left to fight over. The irony of the statment is that putting him in a nursing home would benifit me greatly. When it was time for Medicaid to take over, the house would be protected with the Child care excemption. Meaning I am the primary care taker for over 2 years I took care of him that prevented him from going into a nursing home, and I am a daughter of his. Even the Federal Government will give you the house because its that important to keep your loved one home. They will pay for a care giver too. The main focus is what dad wants, and what we can do to make that happen. After all, he is still sound of mind. Yes, of course we all want to have dad safe, live our own lives, and to not deal with family quarrels. Just becasue he fell when he was dizzy and broke bones should not be a reason to put him in a nursing home where his quality of life woujld just disinegrate. I am a mother , a caretaker, a manager, a devoted daughter, and a child of GOD! How much more can a person grow up? The reason I feel that I would want to be the POA, is so that I can still be in control of dads medical decisions, since I am the one who knows him best and my sister does not even visit him. Although, I like the part to get back my life. yes, I want my life baclk. But, not in the exspense of putting my father in a nursing home. Time will be soon enough for when I get it back.
(0)
Report
I understand your problems all too well.

My fact pattern is a little different, but the moral of the story (and the morals of the siblings) are the same.

People on this forum are divided like the people in your family, so don’t be offended or discouraged if you find negative or cruel messages here.

Keep doing what your doing as long as it works for you. You are making your dad happy. That is clearly not a priority with all your family members and your family is no different from many.

Changing the will is not the same as changing the POA. As long as the other sister is POA, your Dad’s wishes may not be honored in the long run. That is important for him to consider.

My parents did change their will. They changed it drastically, starting with putting me in as executor (replacing a sibling that they justifiably decided to write out based on bad behavior). I knew about the executor, but not the other changes. It was better I didn’t know until I received the will along with all the other heirs. I could honestly say in court that I didn’t know.

My situation culminated in a lawsuit, and as you can already guess, I was accused of directing the will changes.

if your dad makes these changes, he should make them on his own without interference, direction (or even rides) from you.

My siblings would have sued me anyway. (I found out after our parents died that they were planning on suing me over expenses all along. (I took no pay for my caregiving))!

What would I have done differently? Nothing. I won the lawsuit 100%. I have peace of mind for following all my parents wishes.

Take care and private message me if you need support or someone to listen.

You are entering an unfamiliar boxing ring. Follow your heart and be strong.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Thank you, OMG! I am crying. I feel truly that someone knows exactly what I am going through. I am tired of trying to defend myself or thinking I am not good enough. I am undervalued, and feel really hurt. I sometimes feel like I am being used by my father so he can have his cake and eat it too. Please, can I have your email? It would be nice to converse and not be judged.
(0)
Report
I think its time to take control cause your toxic sister dont care and he should put you in charge for it all. My husband is the oldest but, his sister has the POA and Trustee and gloats about it. We never was told until we found out when both parents was getting sicker. Boy, was my husband pissed. We lived with them and was caring for them but, was never told that they had alzheimers or diemensia. We had to find out on our own. Sister never says anything to us about their medical and she is a nurse. She never tells us anything about anything. Til today she still doesnt when we ask. I got mad and told her ok now you take your mom and care for her, cause she gives me stress and doesnt listen to me and I am on dialysis. Dad passed in Jan and mom and sister doesnt include my husband in anything even the funeral. All they do is give us bills to pay and I told them no....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes. This is assuming Dad has the cognitive and communication skills necessary to change his POA. Since he seems to be calling the shots, do it now before his health deteriorates and your sister takes over legally. Before calling his lawyer, and please use the same one he had draw up documents to begin with, consider why your sister was made POA. Are those reasons still valid? It doesn't sound like shared POA is possible. Dad will have to make a plan with his lawyer to protect himself and you from manipulation by presumably well-meaning but otherwise not involved relatives.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Changing the POA or HPOA has nothing at all to do with a will. I could be wrong but I don't believe a POA can ever change a will. Clearing this up could help things along. A visit to an eldercare attorney could also put things in order if he does not already have a trust etc. Simply adding names to an account can create legal issues before and/or after a death unless it is handled in the proper way. If he is able to use online banking, each of you could be given the password and all see exactly what is happening to his accounts. I think there may even be a provision where everyone can view but only one can actually access the account. If he chooses to visit an eldercare attorney perhaps all of you could go together so everyone understands the rights and responsibilities of each person involved.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Good clear honest communication is key. As the other direction contains deception, manipulation & hurt.

Consider a Family Social Worker with experience in elder care to be a professional to facilitate a family meeting.
Where all the stakeholders can have their say & be heard.

Then a plan for your parents care can be formulated with transparency.

By refocussing on a Care Plan that works for everyone (with compromises) hopefuly, this will help maintain family relationships.

A family ripping itself apart won't help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If he won't change his POA, leave and go back to work. If she wants to put him in to care, there is nothing you can do. If you stay there and care for him without POA, you could damage your own financial security (unless she agrees to pay you). The situation will not improve so you need to decide what you want your future to look like.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

TerrieLynn, I read your profile and your Dad is 89 years old. He could easily live another ten years. If you continue as his full-time caregiver, you could pass on leaving behind your Dad. Up to 40% of full-time family caregivers do pass on. Those are not good odds.

I remember after my own Mom had passed, Dad was finally able to sell their house and move into senior living. He couldn't believe such nice places existed. He was so happy to be around people of his own generation [he was in his 90's]. The Staff took wonderful care of him....

Thus, I could once again be Dad's daughter, instead of his "logistical caregiver". Oh, I still watched over him but I was able to continue working and sleeping comfortably at night. Plus knowing Dad loved where he was living :)
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
Thank you,

I will confess, I started to giggle at the idea of me going to heaven before him. Wouldnt that be something. However, I would embrace heaven all the same. I woudnt have to worry about a place to live. or worry about being alone or who woud take care of me when I am old. lol Dad did his rehabilitation at a brand new facility called St. Theres. It had all the levels of care for senior living that you could dream of. I talked dad into taking a tour and getting a feel for the place. However, when he found out the cost, he wanted to stay at home. At home, he gets my sister 3 times a week for about a half an hour each visit. He gets grand children, and neighbors who drop in frequently,. He gets to be with his dog who he adores. But, yes, I thought shoot I want to move in there. lol
(0)
Report
Smart people entrust power of attorney with the person they feel is most able to handle the job properly. You might think about why Dad gave the job to your sister.

I'm the younger of two siblings, but my parents gave POA to me, because my brother isn't too swift with money and they felt I was more attuned to their day-to-day lives as well. My parents were able to talk to me about anything, but my brother was often too busy to really sit down with them and have adult conversations. The official reason given to him as to why I was POA instead of him, was that he was still working full-time and I had the time. It prevented hurt feelings and that was a good thing for all concerned.

Fortunately, my brother has had my back the entire eight years I've been dealing with our parents and now with their estate. He trusted my decisions, I conferred with him on most of them and took his opinions into account, and we've had no conflict through this entire time.

I suggest you work toward that kind of cooperation with your sisters, too. Martyring yourself isn't going to win you any points, and your dad may very well not be the best person to make medical decisions for himself now. Try to have calm, adult conversations with your sisters instead of everyone getting riled up about wills and such. The common goal is to do what's best for your dad.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
PatsyN Aug 2022
Such a nice, thoughtful response. ❤
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
IF your father is of SOUND MIND he can change his POA at will. It is as simple as his attending an attorney of his choice, withdrawing the POA extant to the sister if he wishes, and giving YOU the POA if that is what he wishes to do.
However, it seems you have several sisters who believe Dad should be in care. If Dad is not completely mentally capable at this time they may override a new POA designation to you with appication for guardianship. You can see the problems this would cause. Dad would undergo evaluation and diagnosis for competency. There may be a court action. And some judges, loathe to act as King Solomon, will take guardianship completely from a family squabbling situation, and appoint a fiduciary of the court to act as guardian under state auspices. This guardian would make all decisions regarding placement, including where it is, and would control all of Dad's finances.
I hope it isn't too late to work together. Get both sisters and Dad together and discuss the matter calmly.
Only you can decide how to move forward according to the wishes of your Dad and according to his competency to continue to act as he wishes and direct his own care himself on his own behalf.
I sure wish you good luck. Consider attending an hour with an Elder Law Attorney WITH DAD to discuss options.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
TerrieLynn Sep 2022
I 100 percent agree. Thank you for that eye opener.
(1)
Report
If you continue to care for him you should be the POA. However, just because he wants to be home does not mean that really is the best situation for him.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter