I am in a very complicated relationship and need advice. I am with a man 10 years older than me but we are still both young. We do not have any children together but he has two young kids from a previous marriage. We are very in love and have been very happy our time together.
His past is full of terrible mental and physical abuse and unfortunately within the last year his mental and physical health has began to decline rapidly. He and his ex do not have a custody agreement and their shared time with the children is worked out amongst themselves, due to his mental state he was not seeing the children for a few months until he was more stable (this worked out as they are in a different city and are safer from COVID where they are). We are now on the road to healing and things are looking up. He sees a therapist and with lots of support from me has worked towards improving his mental health.
Today he went to visit his father and came back with several decisions about himself, his health, and OUR future. He is not close to his family, but has an older brother who has some mental disabilities and can not live on his own. We will call him Joe. Joe is 40 years old and has the mental state of a 12 year old boy, he has lived with his father his whole life but the father is getting too old to care for him anymore. Joe can look after himself for the most part but needs a “parent” for help with meals, medications, staying on schedule, and getting to his learning centre. My husband came home and declared that his father would put a down payment on a house for us, Joe’s government money would pay the mortgage, and not only would we be moving, but Joe would be living with us for the rest of his life. I almost pooped my pants with the amount of weight that had just been dropped on my shoulders.
For the last year and a half I have been diligently caring for my partner and helping get him back to a place where we can enjoy our relationship, I have accepted his two children as my own and care for them very well when they are with us. I do all of the cooking and cleaning in our apartment and make sure my partner has everything he needs so the pressure of every day life does not do further harm to his mental state. I do EVERYTHING to maintain our relationship, I am also the main breadwinner in the house.
After being told that Joe would soon be our responsibility I simply said “well, we will have to talk” which sent my partner into a spiral about me being selfish, giving him an ultimatum where he would have to choose between me and Joe. He did not say it but I felt like I was being called selfish for even stopping to think about what a huge responsibility another human life under my roof would be. I have brought up assisted living homes for Joe and mentioned how great those places are, he could be with people like him and enjoy life, while having the care he needs. My partner will not entertain the thought of it, but I may try to bring this up again.
In the end I am a born mother, I love children and caring for others and I have no doubt with some work Joe could fit into our household well. I would certainly need to discuss many things about his presence with my partner, but I think I could do it?
I feel like I have worked so hard to be in a good place with my partner, where we can enjoy the kids when they are with us and enjoy eachother when they are with their mom. I want to travel with my partner and get married and maybe have one of our own some day. I feel like Joe being another responsibly of mine will have me burnt out in a couple years and my partner and I will end up resenting our life together because of it.
Do I pack my bags, run, and never look back? Or do I stay and make this work?
He should also be getting his sh*t together, sorting out his mental and physical health, and not relying you as being “the main breadwinner in the house”. Sometimes when you give ‘so much’, it just leads to increasingly unrealistic expectations that you will give and give and give with no limits.
Two options to suggest: a) cut and run, or b) say no very strongly and see whether he chooses Joe, or you with the right attitude and no recriminations - and if not, cut and run. Perhaps this isn’t true for you, but think about it!
Your partner has been struggling to care for himself. He has been fortunate to have a supportive partner like you. Has he shown any gratitude for all that you do for him? He is expecting a lot from you by asking you to accept his brother moving in with you. Your life will never be the same again. Can you live with that? No more privacy. No more packing your bags for a trip and leaving town. No more planning anything for just the two of you. Has he thought about how this will effect his children? Or your children, if you decide to have any? How old are you? I hope you are using birth control. Don’t get pregnant!
Assisted living facilities are for seniors. Do they accept individuals like your partner’s brother? Nursing homes or other facilities would most likely accept him.
I don’t think that you realize what you are getting into. I would NEVER, EVER accept this situation. You don’t know how long his brother will live. You may have him for the rest of your lives. That would be too much for me.
It’s your life. It’s your choice. There isn’t enough love in the world from your partner that could change my mind. But again, it is your decision.
How did you meet your partner? Were you aware his issues when you met him? Are the type of person that loves helping others so much that you have totally neglected yourself or feel like it is your mission in life?
I know someone like that. I can only be around her for a few minutes, once in a blue moon. She drains all of my energy! She is so negative that she attracts the neediest people in the world and claims that God sent them to her for her to help. I can’t be around her much because I find myself losing patience with her. I recently told her that she was mentally ill and I was not qualified to help her, nor did I want to hear about her latest project. She takes on every disturbed individual as a DIY project and I can’t relate to her nonsense.
Watch out. Don’t become like this woman that I know. She truly has mental issues and doesn’t want to get help. She says therapist can’t do anything! Grrrrrrrr
If your partner isn’t willing to listen to how you feel, then I would run as fast and far as I could go and never look back. There are plenty other men. Make sure that the next guy is in a better emotional place.
Wishing you all the best.
Joe needs a new home, a structured environment, assistance for his ADLs & people that care. I'm sure he would also benefit from work he can do, or activities he can succeed at & a social group he can connect to - so he can thrive & live his best life.
JoeorGo, you described yourself as a 'Mother' type. I'm guessing you are a natural giver, a nurturer. Maybe this is your career also? Your calling. You certainly describe great empathy & patience towards your partner's health issues.
So you may be totally awesome for Joe & be an amazing asset to his life.
But.
Becoming 'House Mother', Case Manager, Care Co-ordinator, friend, aide, driver +++ for Joe... is that what your heart & head is telling you is YOUR best future?
Is it Joe's best future? Is it your partner's best future?
It is nice your partner feels love for his brother. But *nice* is very different to taking on the full responsibility for another's welfare. Is he willing to be his legal guardian? Even if yes, is the actual day to day decisions & care going to slide over to you? I think so.
In honesty I think this decision needs discussion - lots of discussion - probably with a third party. While you have communicated the issue very clearly here, I don't think it is being clearly understood by your partner. His current level of understanding is *selfish or not selfish*. That is black or white thinking. But this issue is a full colorful spectrum.
I have a quote that comes to mind, which I'll post when I find it.
"Sometimes we need to give ourselves to permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change.
We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them.
I will affirm that it is my right to grow & change, even though someone I love may not be growing & changing alongside me."
There is nothing selfish about it on your part. I haven't even paused to consider your needs. The needs and circumstances of every other single person involved in this scenario make it out of the question that your partner can be Joe's primary caregiver. If you can stop this, do.
The man can't adequately care for himself or his children or earn a living (relies on you for all of those tasks already) and now wants to add his brother to the household? When will he move elderly dad in as well?
This is not a plan. This is a dump of responsibilities onto your shoulders and you have every right to be upset and want to have some say in this decision.
Another thing, if by government money you mean Social Security Disability, that can only be used on Joe. Its his money to pay for his needs not to pay your mortgage. Your partner will have to become his payee and with that he will need to show how Joe's money is spent.
"Representative payees are required to maintain detailed and accurate records of all funds received and spent in order to provide a true accounting to SSA"
I do this for a government annuity that my disabled nephew gets.
I don't think your partner knows what is involved in caring for his brother. Partner is used to coming and going as he pleases. He has had some mental problems. Not good for someone who is becoming a caregiver for an adult with the mind of a 12 year old. You need lots of patience to deal with this. So, if he has one of his episodes like he did with his kids, how is he going to care for his brother. Right, you will be doing the caring. Your too young to give up your life for someone you are not related too, at least.
I would first have your partner talk to his therapist. I would tell him if he is going to do this, the responsibility of his brother is his. You will continue to do what you do, cleaning, cooking and be as supportive as possible, but you will not be his brother's caregiver.
Sounds like you maybe in your late 20's at least. Do you really want this for the rest of your life? Just because you are in Love with someone means "he is the one". And if Joe is 40 Dad is what 70? That is not old. Like I said, Dad has options.
It may be good for you to go to the Therapist with your partner. If your partner loves you as much as you love him, your needs are important too. I would not make any plans on going in on a house. I would want to be able to walk away free and clear. You can give it a try. If u find you are giving and doing more than ur partner, walk away. At this point ur being used.
I also think you said it all right here, "I feel like Joe being another responsibly of mine will have me burnt out in a couple years and my partner and I will end up resenting our life together because of it." If not your partner, at least YOU.
Think long and hard before you agree to be bamboozled into caring for another mentally ill member of this family.
Best of luck!
Maybe try to convince him that the best choice for Joe would be for him to live in a group home setting. Let him know that you are not willing to be Joe's caregiver if for some reason his brother wasn't able to take care of him. You've already stated that your boyfriend's mental and physical health has declined rapidly over the last year. His father needs to understand this.
Your boyfriend needs to understand this too. You have your hands pretty full already. In truth you're a caregiver to your boyfriend and I think you know it. This being said you will also become the caregiver to his special needs brother, and very likely his elderly father as well at some point. Don't pack your bags and run just yet though.
If your boyfriend and his father are reasonable people they can be made to understand that a group home living situation is what's right for Joe. It's what's right for the rest of the family too because no one can commit to a lifetime of stable care for him. People get sick. They lose jobs. They lose homes. They die. Relationships end, etc... What remains the same is that brother Joe will always be like a 12 year old and his conditions will worsen with age and his care needs will increase. That's guaranteed. A group home will be able to meet his needs and will adjust the level of care his special needs will demand.
This whole ‘happy home life’ you’ve built is held together by you, trying to be everything to everybody. It’s one thing to nurture, another to enable. I doubt from what you’ve said that your partner has the mental and emotional tools to be an equal partner in a relationship. You’ve done a hero’s work to try to create a happy home, but…are you not exhausted? When do you get cared for? Where are your boundaries?
Sounds like Pop Pop came up with a plan to give more security to both his boys, throwing you under the bus in the process. Dad needs to arrange for a caregiver to get Joe off to the learning center in the am and handle any meds and meals.
Joe’s money shouldn’t be used to fund his brother’s housing. Kind of concerning that you note your guy continues to decline. Will you need to do more caregiving for him beyond what you do now? Because you’re doing a signifcant amount already.
Regarding meeting with your man’s therapist- not a critique of advice given here, but from personal experience- his therapist’s commitment is to his mental health, not your relationship. And therapists are like shoes, you might need to try a few on to find a good fit. See a pastor, your own therapist, or couples therapist if you go that route.
There are red flags all over the place here, as I suspect you know. There are lots of stable guys out there looking for someone kind and nuturing, without all the baggage (said the person who dated a tempermental alcoholic in her mid-20’s for 3 years before seeing the light.) You sound like a nice person who deserves a happy family of her own, not all this drama~level up.
He didn’t ask you how you felt. Just TOLD you how it was going to be, and had no problem telling you to leave if you don’t like it.
You mentioned how you have a mother’s heart, so to speak. You’re definitely the mother here… to your boyfriend. He is like a mad teenager stomping around the house and demanding what he wants.
Joe’s possibility of living with you just shone a light on all the problems with you and your “man”. You can do better. Find a grown man who isn’t demanding and is respectful of you.
Would this be good for Joe? Would this arrangement make his life the happiest and most fulfilled it can be? Is your partner (spouse?) choosing this because *he* wants to take care of Joe and make him happy, or because he saw a way to a free house and income, with you doing the work?
If you look at all of this from the perspective of Joe’s best interest, you may find your own with it.
I also have a sibling with disabilities. She lives in a group home. She has friends and assistance, and enjoys it.
If he doesn't understand, then it's up to you what to do.
Tare care yourself. All the best.
Its one thing when you have been married for years and a spouse becomes ill. Its another when you live together and the person gets ill. Not sure if mental illness is curable. It can be medicated and live a normal life but its on going. Not sure I would take on what your partner expects you to take on. From what I read, u seem to carry the relationship. And as said, Dad maybe eventually be in the picture especially since he seems to be supplying the money. My opinion, walk away saying you r not willing to do this. Thats not selfish its protecting yourself.
Find someone who appreciates you. My DH would never make a decision like this without involving me.
I am glad for your daughter and mine that they were wise enough to walk away from a dead end street.
I think adding someone to care for might be more than your SO can handle and then Joe's care would fall on you. Unless you are made POA for Joe you have no standing in what happens if Joe is your "responsibility"
Actually if Joe has not been declared incompetent no one has any authority to dictate any type of care for him.
If Joe decides to throw a temper tantrum, like some 12 year old's are want to do what happens to you when you are thrown across the room by a person that has the mind of a 12 year old but the strength of a 40 year old?
This is unfair for your SO's dad to put on your SO then to compound the transgression for your SO to drop this on you is doubly unfair.
There is some serious talk that needs to be done.
It might help making a list of Pro's (very short list) and Con's (very LONG list)
Pick a time when you are calm and he is open to LISTENING.
Is it possible that dad never wanted to place Joe in a Group Home because he was using the money Joe got from the Government? And that the money was not used solely for the care of Joe? If that is the case it is not legal. And to continue that by having Joe pay the mortgage on a house that who owns? Dad putting a down payment on it...is it dad's house?
Is it your SO's house? will the title be in his name? Will your name ever be on it?
Is Joe the real owner of the house since it is his money that will be paying the mortgage? Can he legally be the owner?
I would also seek the advice of an Elder Care Attorney or at least an attorney that does Family law and knows about Special Needs Trusts.
You speak of being a natural mother but the key was, "do I find a new family." That is a really old-school, dangerous train of thought and maybe you should speak to a therapist over it.
That says all I need to know.
If I'd written that sentence, I'd be out the door.
Seek counseling for yourself. Learn to value yourself and then you will attract a man that appreciates you. You deserve so much better than what you have now. You’re young and have your whole life in front of you.
Walk away, no make that, run away and don’t look back. Close the door never to be opened again. Before you know it, this guy will only be a distant memory.
We all know people like this. Some people are magnets and attract dysfunctional people in their lives because they either feel like they can fix them or they truly enjoy the drama. Sadly, they feel needed instead of seeing that they are being used. Sometimes, they even feel that they are doing ‘God’s work’ by going after the ‘lost’ sheep. She got furious with me when I told her that Jesus didn’t need her to do His job!
This woman has tried to help every lost soul that showed up on her doorstep. She talks to strangers in the street and tells them that she will help them. They see her coming a mile away. She is a target for all the misfits in society!
I had to tell her that her life had become as pitiful as a soap opera and not to share her drama with me anymore because it was giving me a headache. She was always asking me what I would do and got mad when I said that I would not do anything because I wouldn’t place myself in this position to begin with.