I am in a very complicated relationship and need advice. I am with a man 10 years older than me but we are still both young. We do not have any children together but he has two young kids from a previous marriage. We are very in love and have been very happy our time together.
His past is full of terrible mental and physical abuse and unfortunately within the last year his mental and physical health has began to decline rapidly. He and his ex do not have a custody agreement and their shared time with the children is worked out amongst themselves, due to his mental state he was not seeing the children for a few months until he was more stable (this worked out as they are in a different city and are safer from COVID where they are). We are now on the road to healing and things are looking up. He sees a therapist and with lots of support from me has worked towards improving his mental health.
Today he went to visit his father and came back with several decisions about himself, his health, and OUR future. He is not close to his family, but has an older brother who has some mental disabilities and can not live on his own. We will call him Joe. Joe is 40 years old and has the mental state of a 12 year old boy, he has lived with his father his whole life but the father is getting too old to care for him anymore. Joe can look after himself for the most part but needs a “parent” for help with meals, medications, staying on schedule, and getting to his learning centre. My husband came home and declared that his father would put a down payment on a house for us, Joe’s government money would pay the mortgage, and not only would we be moving, but Joe would be living with us for the rest of his life. I almost pooped my pants with the amount of weight that had just been dropped on my shoulders.
For the last year and a half I have been diligently caring for my partner and helping get him back to a place where we can enjoy our relationship, I have accepted his two children as my own and care for them very well when they are with us. I do all of the cooking and cleaning in our apartment and make sure my partner has everything he needs so the pressure of every day life does not do further harm to his mental state. I do EVERYTHING to maintain our relationship, I am also the main breadwinner in the house.
After being told that Joe would soon be our responsibility I simply said “well, we will have to talk” which sent my partner into a spiral about me being selfish, giving him an ultimatum where he would have to choose between me and Joe. He did not say it but I felt like I was being called selfish for even stopping to think about what a huge responsibility another human life under my roof would be. I have brought up assisted living homes for Joe and mentioned how great those places are, he could be with people like him and enjoy life, while having the care he needs. My partner will not entertain the thought of it, but I may try to bring this up again.
In the end I am a born mother, I love children and caring for others and I have no doubt with some work Joe could fit into our household well. I would certainly need to discuss many things about his presence with my partner, but I think I could do it?
I feel like I have worked so hard to be in a good place with my partner, where we can enjoy the kids when they are with us and enjoy eachother when they are with their mom. I want to travel with my partner and get married and maybe have one of our own some day. I feel like Joe being another responsibly of mine will have me burnt out in a couple years and my partner and I will end up resenting our life together because of it.
Do I pack my bags, run, and never look back? Or do I stay and make this work?
Anyway, he said that he likes a woman who speaks her piece and that she gets him up and going doing things that he would never have done on his own. He also said that people have spoken about how things got shaky with their spouses during the lockdown period in Covid but his experience was falling in love with his wife all over again.
I must say that I had the very same experience with my husband during Covid. We have been married for 43 years! My role as primary caregiver to my mom for 15 years had just ended. After all the stress of caregiving ended, being alone with my husband felt like a wonderful dream! At first, I was very upset about Covid hitting just when we had time for ourselves again. Then, I was able to look at the larger picture and put everything in perspective.
Our youngest daughter moved across county after graduation, our oldest daughter who lives here has suffered with several medical issues. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, just tons of issues hit us all at once. Yet, it all brought us closer to each other.
James Brolin said that he and Barbra can talk things out with each other and I can do the same with my husband. It isn’t about having a ‘perfect’ relationship. No one has that! It’s about being with a suitable partner and being the right match for them. For me, a good match means being with someone that has similar values in life.
Hey, James and Barbra being married for 23 years in Hollywood is like being married a million years! Good for them!
I absolutely believe in staying in a relationship for all the right reasons. I do not believe in staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Some people look at a separation or divorce as a failure. I actually applaud people who know when to throw in the towel.
If a person’s goal is to be in a healthy relationship with a future, they must close the door on an unhealthy relationship, allowing an opening for a new relationship to form. I truly hope the OP will read all of the sensible advice stated on this thread and come to her senses and walks out on her partner, then finds much peace and joy that she deserves in life, whether she has a partner or not.
I met my now husband after ending a previous relationship. I was enjoying being ‘unattached’ again, not really looking for anyone new in my life. Then I met my sweetheart and the rest is history!
I think talking to Joe's Dad could be key. What does he know about group homes? (Or is he against/doesn't trust/doesn't want that option). Not choosing that option does not automatically mean his other son must take on full responsibility for Joe, including housing.
That thinking is very old, where a relative 'inherited' a special needs relative who could not live independently. Probably still happens a lot, but certainly this was the only way 100 years ago. Or an awful asylum.
Even if this family worked that way, the OP's boyfriend just can't - so the responsibility would have to move on to the next relative's shoulders.
If Joe's brother is realistic of his own abilities, his strengths & limitations before making such a big decision - that would be best.
He may WANT to, but CAN he?
My message about my own experiences ended: ‘The moral is: don’t under-estimate the power of a weak needy person, their strength in controlling you, and the way they can mess up a lot of lives. Fight for yourself. Use your competence to care for your own future’.
Like you, I hope it helped, and I think perhaps it did.
"Your answer to my question about Joe really stuck with me and I have done a lot of thinking these last few days. I have to defend myself and stand up for what I believe is best for me and my future. Thank you for being so polite in your answer while still giving me the hard truth. All the best"
I replied back that always go with your gut. If you start questioning something, there is a reason. I told her a couple of times I should have gone with my gut. The third one was knowing that marrying my DH was a good gut feeling. Next month, 40 years.