Do I or don't I? How can I move mom from her home?

I have my dad in the same type of care home and he complains about everything, every time I see him. Then I talk to the staff and other residents and I get an entirely different story. He wants me to feel guilty and think he is miserable when in fact he is doing well. He keeps telling me he is moving, I have a couple of posts, which at 1st Oh no what to do? Now I just say that I'll miss you. It is still up in the air, he says he's leaving, driving himself in a uhaul back to his old stomping grounds, 2/14. I think I'll plan our weekly outing for the 15th or 16th. Anyway I did not mean to get side tracked, my point being, always talk to others in the home about how your LO is getting by, she like my dad may want to live some place else but, is quite happy were they are. I signed him up for the in home care and the doctors, lab, xray et AL come right to him, which has been a huge lightening of the load for me. I pray she finds peace at the home for your peace of mind. Good luck and God bless you for all you do for her and what you did for your dad.

Do it....there will always be some type of guilt. I learned in a support group "get rid of the should have, would have and could have." There comes a point when our health begins to take its toll. I wish my mom didn't have Parkinson's disease and Dementia but I know her issues were becoming my issues. It was effecting my household and health. You can request a week respite stay. Be sure to take her bedspread, a few pictures and small items to make it look homey.

Guilt will set in at different times, in different strengths, no matter if she is in a nursing home or if you are trying to take care of her in her home. As caregivers, we have the tendency to think we need to do more than we are doing already, so you might as well accept a dose of guilt, yet take care of your own health at the same time.

Place her in a nursing home now.
When her funds run out, you can apply to have Medicaid take those payments over. You will worry less and many of your responsibilities will be taken over by the facility. And when you visit her, you can actually spend quality time with her rather than worry about what you need to accomplish while there.

I will tell you from my own experience that if you wait longer to move her into a nursing or memory care facility, it will be harder for her to adjust.

I waited 3-5 years longer than necessary, wanting to have Mom in in a familiar environment and with her family (my husband and I). After being in a great nursing/memory home for now 9 months, Mom is having a hard time adjusting, since in dementia her old habits will always win over the newer environment.

The sooner she can create and adjust to new habits, the better for her.

Both of my parents are in an Adult Family Home with four other residents, total of six, counting my parents. I don't regret putting them there at all. They are less than five minutes away from me now, and the home takes care of everything. I see them at least twice a week and bring them home for supper occasionally. My Dad told me that he feels at home there and gets good care.

wow, every comment spot-on valuable.
all i can add is that my parents never fully acclimated - as rare and LOVELY and UNinstitutional the IL facility was. they were just deeply rooted homebodies and never forgot their home and neighbor.
i regret taking them from their home, but they would have needed much help, which mom vehemently resisted.
well, long story, short - i think my parents were outside the norm - and that senior living is a no-brainer for the majority. it is made hard for us baby-boomers, as our parents' parents did not need to do this, so we feel guilt in doing something that we and they never thought was ever going to happen.

Your inner guidance lead to you to that facility...the fact that you are "really interested" tells me that it's time...follow your intuition...
You may feel guilty at first, yet remember she's not going to get better...
And you will have the extra help to care for her...

All the best to you sister!

No matter how you do it, this is hard. In a perfect world, elders would recognize what is best for them and the rest of the family. And there are a few who do that, and they "downsize" their stuff, and get prepared.

But, of course, in many cases, that does not happen. So, we have to do it. To get her out of her house and into the home, you need to rely on the advice and expertise of professionals. For us this is a one-time event. For them it is a routine.

I had advice from the director of the Area Agency on Aging and the very competent staff of the home. Here is what happened...

We actually "tricked" my mother into going. I invited her for lunch and the lunch was at the home. About six staff members sat with us for lunch, with my husband and I closest to the door--they did this very skillfully. After lunch I told my mother that my husband and I would be leaving and she would not. Needless to say, she fell apart.

We left. And eventually, 5 weeks or so, she adjusted. She had her little dog with her. Since that time, about four years this May, she has slowly but steadily gone down hill and is now in the memory care unit.

Was this easy to do? No!  for me doing something like this was UNTHINKABLE!!!!!!!!  But that's because I was still in" dutiful child" mode.  I needed to "woman up" and get into "dutiful adult" mode.   It took all the courage I had and I relied on the words of the director of the AAOA:  "She will adjust."  

Was it important to do! Absolutely!!!!! My mom could not live alone anymore, couldn't drive, was extremely pig-headed, and I could not take care of her and my husband, who was very sick. Thieves were beginning to circle around her money. She needed care and protection.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Do it. I have found AL care for my mom to be awesome. Check it out well. Some things I looked for were a private room, cleanliness, adequate staff, low turn over of staff, bright, cheerful, caring, activity, good food, doctor visits, full time nurses.

Thank you all for your input. The facility is actually a residential home. No more than 6 women, half the distance I'm currently driving. It doesn't go to medicaid, but neck and neck cost of moms home, plus savings on utilizes, and groceries. Possibly holding us off on nursing home placement for 2 years. I think I have to atleast try it even for a month, otherwise I will never know. My mom sleeps all day in her house. I'm her activity 3 days a week. Today we go for her hair appt. I would still maintain my same routine with her. I just wouldn't have to fix anything. " I hope?.."

Thank you all for your input. The facility is actually a residential home. No more than 6 women, half the distance I'm currently driving. It doesn't go to medicaid, but neck and neck cost of moms home, plus savings on utilizes, and groceries. Possibly holding us off on nursing home placement for 2 years. I think I have to atleast try it even for a month, otherwise I will never know. My mom sleeps all day in her house. I'm her activity 3 days a week. Today we go for her hair appt. I would still maintain my same routine with her. I just wouldn't have to fix anything. " I hope?.."

Ihave1now, you never know, your Mom might perk up being around people from her own generation, plus the activities :) There will be an adjustment, so set aside any guilt you have. Just think of it as Mom needing a higher level of care. I wouldn't be surprised if her live-in caregiver is exhausted doing the work of 3 shifts per day.

My Dad moved into senior living and was happy as a clam. He said he wished he would have done that years ago, instead of living in his house and having around the clock caregivers. Dad had me sell his house, and the equity would have given him numerous years of living in Assisted Living/Memory Care.

One problem, the downsizing can be very difficult for an elder. For my Dad he just walked away from the house with his 200 books and some furniture, and never looked back, but I realize that isn't the norm. Dad called his room his college dorm room :)

My Dad moved a couple years ago in January, thus he got a really good deal on his senior apartment as Dad didn't mind moving in the snow. And how he loved that discount.

Now, if your Mom can budget this, maybe her caregiver could schedule to be at the Assisted Living mornings until your Mom gets use to the place. Dad did that, gave him a nice routine.

Occasionally, we need to put our guilt in the back pocket. Your list indicates that life will be much better if Mom goes into a facility. But, if I understand correctly what you’re saying, this opportunity may disappear if you wait? Or it will become a problem if you admit her now? How about consulting an Elder Law Attorney and finding out how you can budget and perhaps file for Medicaid.

What about seeing if you can accept the place with an initial probationary period of - whatever you can get away with, really - say one to three months?

Generally speaking, if a person is going to need long term care eventually then the earlier you get in there the better. The higher functioning your mother is when she's admitted, the better her chances of settling well and developing meaningful interaction with the staff and other residents.

Best of luck, please let us know what happens.

do it - you have already been doing enough and if it can lighten your load it is a good thing. Why is it wrong to take care of yourself too? you will visit your mom and still be her advocate - you are not abandoning her.