Do I tell my boyfriend that his dad is dying now or wait to tell him after his final exams?

Kallboe, keep yourself incredibly busy until the weekend so that you don't burst a blood vessel. And arrange with your boyfriend's mother for *her* to call him on Saturday morning and explain what's going on.

Nothing in life is certain, but I would expect your boyfriend's father to hold out 'til then at least - hospice and end of life care discussions do mean "terminal" but they don't by any means mean "imminent." And if, God forbid, the worst should happen then the college's compassionate leave exceptions will swing into action and they'll deal with it.

I agree with you on the not keeping bad news from people, but I can't help thinking that if your boyfriend really wanted to know his antennae would have twitched and he'd have asked. I'm sure he *does* want to know - just not as much right now as he wants to concentrate on his finals. Keep your counsel, and keep busy.

I must say, though, I think your boyfriend's mother didn't do you any favours sharing this with you. Is she short of people to confide in or something?

His family has known him much longer than you have, and they also understand his dad's health status much more fully than you do. I think you are imagining imminent death and your boyfriend being devastated about missing his dad's final moments, but being admitted to hospice does not mean he is dying tomorrow. It is unfortunate that this confidence has put you in the middle, but I'm sure if there a drastic decline the family will let him know, in the mean time respect their wish to spare him this news until he finishes his exams.

There's nothing your boyfriend can do to change the situation - not in the next three days anyhow. I also imagine his mother told you in confidence and trusted you to respect her wishes - if you ever want to have even a decent relationship with this woman - do not break her trust. I can't get why she told you in the first place - perhaps she's just overwhelmed.

Anyhow - it's not your place to tell your boyfriend, that right and decision is his mothers. It might be different if the dad was expected to pass any moment but it doesn't sound like that's the diagnosis. Nothing good will come of you blabbing what was told you in confidence- your boyfriend will possibly blow his finals and his mom will know you can't be trusted and likely hold a grudge for a long, long - long time.

Don't tell him. That is his mother's job. If/when you are his wife, it will be your job.

There is no point in letting him know unless his father is on his deathbed. That does not appear to be the case. Your bf's mother wants him to be able to focus on his finals, which I think is a good idea. I am sure she will call him if there is a crisis and he needs to come home. I think it's okay to say that the father is still not doing well if it comes up. You don't have to lie. Just wait until after the tests to talk about the details. I'm sure your bf's mother knows that her husband's life is nearing the end, but her son's future lays ahead of him. The finals are important to both bf and mother.

Kallboe,
Don't tell your boyfriend. Let him get through his finals. Someday, when you are much older you will probably understand where we are coming from.

I agree his Mom should not have told you. But it's her decision that your boyfriend not know until he gets home.
You do not want to be responsible for him blowing his finals. Let him get home safe. Let his family break the bad news.

My family just went through this situation after the first of the year with my brother in law and his 2 kids.

All my best. This is going to be very hard.

@jeannegibbs - Respectfully, I don't think my marital status changes any aspect of this. I've been with my boyfriend for a very long time, and if either of us believed in marriage, I would be his wife. All our married friends have been together for a shorter span of time than we've been.

That being said, I've chosen to keep quiet unless he asks me if I know anything he doesn't. He's already asked me if I knew anything, and I didn't.

It seems like the only reason anyone has for me not telling him is I'm "not family". I know my boyfriend is going to be upset with me for not telling him as soon as I found out. But, I respect his mom. Unless he asks, I don't plan on telling him. As of now I'm avoiding him around the house, so he doesn't see my puffy/red/tear streaked face and know something's up. I usually go to bed much earlier than he does, so that won't be a chance for me to break down either.

Thank you to those of you who offered me support as opposed to accusing me of "blabbing" and ruining my boyfriend's future or not being a part of the family (I am a part of the family. They've told me so, and I don't have any other family so what's a girl to do.)

I'm only 21, I thought maybe some of you guys would be older and more mature. That's why I came here. I wasn't really looking for any form of judgement, maybe some understanding, but mostly some kind advice. The news broke my heart.

kallboe, still sounds like you want to tell your boyfriend that his Dad is dying. Seriously, it doesn't matter how long you have been with your boyfriend. It is up to his mother to give him the news once she finds out more.

You don't want your boyfriend to resent you if you gave him the news and he couldn't focus on his college exams. Hospice patients have been known to live on for many months.

I read your post again. Hospice is being "discussed". No one has made a decision I am assuming. The patient may have been presented with the choice of some aggressive treatments or Hospice as an alternative to those treatments. There are a lot of blanks that need to be filled in here. As someone mentioned above unless you were in on all the discussions at the hospital all the information may not be available to you. I am so sorry you feel stuck in the middle of what sounds like an emotional time. You mentioned you were going to keep quiet for now. That sounds like a good plan. It does sound like you came in and caught boyfriends Mom in a weak moment.

Stay Strong.

@freqflyer of course i still want to tell him. that doesn't mean i'm going to.

i absolutely jumped to conclusions about hospice, the only times i've ever experienced it was with a friend who lived a little under a week after the fact, and my grandfather who stuck around for a month.

@lizzywho61 right. I was at work, but was filled in when I came back home. His doctor advised not to go for intubation, suggested hospice, and my partner's father is doing the paperwork for hospice as we speak. It's expected that he's going to be staying in the hospital for several days, probably longer than my partner's finals will last. Basically, he's going to suffocate sooner or later, which is terrifying, but the goal is to keep him comfortable and at home until that time comes.

If he keeps asking you can tell BF that his dad may need a few days in hospital and that they are working at a care plan to help him be more comfortable, which is nothing but the truth and isn't breaking any confidences. I imagine that deep down all of them have known for some time what these serious health conditions were leading to, part of the coping mechanism is to take life one day at a time and not dwell on worst case scenarios. Take some time to read here and on the web about hospice and end of life, (and please avoid the hospice-is-murder sites that will inevitably show up, you don't need to see that now), the more you know the less frightening and overwhelming the coming weeks will be, and the more able you will be to stand strong beside BF and his family.

@kallboe, let me try my answer again, now that I know more:

You have the right to give your partner this news, but I don't think under the circumstances it would be the right thing to do until after his last final. His mother has a more mature and considered approach. Dad is dying, yes, and he will still be dying 3 days from now. Announcing it now might be very detrimental to your partner, without being beneficial for any one.

You are speaking to a much older audience. I am 72, have 5 adult children and 12 grandkids (all of them older than you are). I have done caregiving for two loved ones with dementia. Both have died. My mother was on hospice for 3 months, my husband 5 weeks. I don't know how mature I am, but I am certainly experienced.

I imagine that some of the other older posters have the same reaction to "boyfriend" as I do. To my generation that conjures up a caring and possibly temporary relationship. I've seen my grandkids have one boyfriend (or girlfriend) one month, and a different boyfriend the next month. I imagine dates at the pizza parlor and romantic walks along the river. In other words, "boyfriend" is not a very serious relationship but it could lead to one. Our answers might make more sense when you understand where we are coming from about your "boyfriend."

Only later did you explain that you are living together, his family considers you part of the family, and you are partners. Ohhhh. That paints a different picture.

I think you have the same status as a wife, and you don't need parental permission to tell your partner anything you want to. BUT consider that his (older and wiser) mother thinks you should wait, and so do the people who've responded here.

BTW, My son is living with his partner. She is certainly more than a girlfriend. I asked him just last week how I should refer to her. He shrugged. "Special friend, significant other, partner, ??" I have a grandson who has bought a house with the woman he loves. I haven't heard them talking about marriage at all. She calls me Gramma. We've all taken her in as part of the family.

So I don't judge you at all for choosing not to marry. In my first answer I thought you were just a girlfriend. That's different.

Kallboe you are correct most people on this forum are much older and definitely more experienced, mature may be another matter. We all react in times of stress that don't seem very mature thats human nature.
If your boyfriend has any kind of connection with his father he already knows deep down that the end is close BUT and this maybe part of honoring his father that he has to concentrate on this exams.
Now can you be the strong partner your BF needs and keep your feelings under cover for three more days. I would even suggest keeping out of the house maybe helping out a friend with a move just something to keep you busy. There is never a right or wrong answer to this type of question so don't make it more difficult for everyone else by expecting your own feelings to be met. Of course you are upset and hurting and crying is a good thing but so is being strong for the other people in your life. You want ot roll up in a ball and curl into your boyfriends arms but for this brief moment he has another battle to fight and that is to secure his and your future. His mom knows that even with her great loss so help her all you can.

You have, in my opinion, been 'set-up' by his mother to carry a burden of secrecy that you have said, goes against the grain with you.

Looking at this carefully, you have been placed in a position to be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I can hear it all now:
"It's my Dad, how could you not tell me?"
"I told you NOT to tell him!"
etc. etc. etc. Is this only the first time his mother has tried to undermine your relationship with her son?

My advice is to go to the store, leave a note that says: "Call your mother".
Don't say why.

I believe it is her role to tell him about his father. Think about it....why would she tell you and not him, ask you to keep a serious secret from the man you love? Stop talking to her until this is settled.

Notice just who is suffering here....it's you, right?

You have already said he knows how ill his father is.

"Honey, have you called your mother?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Just to see if she has plans for Mother's day this Sunday?"

Is his mother narcissistic, a control freak?

Kalboe, yes, your partners Dad has some very serious health issues, but Hospitalist and his Dr's can do Amazing things with medications, to keep him comfortable, and to pull the "fluids" off his legs heart and abdomen, to make him much more comfortable, and his breathing much improved. Once the have him stabilized, the option for Hospice, and bringing him home will make more sense, and then, once those stressful exams are over with and your boyfriend will then be able to fully engage in his Dad's care as his role of helpful caregiver, giving his Mom some much needed back up, and probably you too.

You are in a tough spot, there's no doubt about it, but I truly believe that you are doing the right thing in not telling him the heavy details right now, but of course that all could change, should his Dad take a turn for the worse. Let you conscious be your guide on this, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! You will know what to do when the time comes!

I do wish the best for your boyfriends Dad, it does sound like you are very close, and that's a good thing! It takes a village of loving caregivers when a patient goes home on Hospice. You take care!

In college, just like having a job, they make allowances for a family crisis.
He can ask his instructor if he can sit for the final at another time, and go to his father's bedside now.

Or, at great personal risk to you, you can help his mother out by being strong and silent for 3 days.

I agree with other's advice to make yourself scarce so he can study.

You will do fine, whatever you choose.

Good advice, Stacey!  You have a great family that knows how to stick together!

Ask yourself what dad would want for his son. You know mom wants to wait. If it were me on hospice and my kids readying for final exams, I would not want them told until after the exam.

The mother, like you, also wanted her son to focus on his studies so she chose to talk to you about this family situation. I think it's wonderful that she feels so close to you with regards to this difficult situation. You are a comfort to her.

His exams will be done soon. If there's a severe crisis during hospice, then I know the mother will contact her son regardless of his exam status. College professsors will work with students on completing their final exams when there is a medical crisis.

Don't worry too much.

I would honor his mother's intentions and allow him to complete his semester unburdened. It's only a matter of a few days, and the loving thing would be to allow him to bring his hard work to completion before he faces his father's illness. It sounds as if his father has been in poor health a long time.
A friend of mine recently had this experience with her father who lived some distance away. He suffered with congestive heart failure and end of life care/hospice went on for several weeks before he passed. She made the difficult decision to make a visit then return home to take care of her own life needs.
I think the kindest thing you can do is respect your boyfriend's need to concentrate on completing his studies and honor his mother's request.

I don't agree with any of the advice that has been given to you. I must be odd.

First of all, mom should NEVER have put you in this position! You are caught between a rock and a hard place.

My sons would be extremely upset with me for doing this to their gal and for not telling them, immediately, what was going on. I speak from experience. My father was ill, several years ago, and I opted, on more than one occasion to "not burden" them with pertinent info. Maybe my family is different? But they wanted to be in the loop! I have learned and do not withhold anything, anymore.

Should YOU tell him? Perhaps. You know him. He has already asked you if you know more. But should you confront his mother and urge her to tell him? YES!!! I guess it's a crapshoot, either way, but I'd rather err on the side of truth. His mom did you no favors. She could have kept it to herself. Best of luck! I completely understand how you are feeling.

In retrospect, I'm glad my mother shielded me from bad news until I was in a time and place where I could deal with it effectively.

Not your place to tell him and certainly not now. Unless his father is going to die in the next day or two, let him finish his exams then let his mother tell him and you just be there to support and love him. There is nothing he can do to fix it so why risk being the reason he fails his exam because you felt the need to tell him just to one up his mom...which is exactly what you are doing. If you truly love him, relax, help him study and keep your mouth shut.

From recent experience, don’t tell him. Wait until exams are over and then arrange a meeting with the two of you and Mom. Let her tell him and as his partner be there for both of them. Time for you to be strong.
My BIL was given a cancer diagnosis just before thanksgiving, he and his wife let the family know that Hospice was being called and he had a few weeks or months left. Youngest sister, her husband and 7 yo son were due to leave on their dream vacation to Disney days later. Sister wanted to cancel and lose all they had saved several years for. BIL would not hear of it and insisted they go as planned. Unfortunately SIL was so upset she cried daily, upsetting her special needs son and no one enjoyed the vacation. There was nothing SIL could have done to stop the quick progression of his illness. He did not suffer long and had both his wife and son with him at the end which was all he wanted. Had he waited to tell his youngest sister she and her family would have been able to enjoy their experience and then dealt with this passing when they returned home. There was certainly enough other family and friends there to help him through his final weeks.

I just want to say that I personally was involved in a situation like this ,, my own husband was dying and had decided to go on hospice at the beginning of December 2015. My sons were headed for finals in the next few weeks. All I told them was that their dad had decided to stop treatment but that I would care for him and I wanted to make sure they focused on their finals. So I did all the caregiving along with hospice so they could focus. They had several weeks with him after finals to say their goodbyes and give him love .. if you know that he still has some time,, its best to let your boyfriend focus at least for the next several days on what he needs to accomplish as hard as it may be. ,, my 2cents ,, after all it was my husband that said quite clearly "life goes on" .

Just reading the question, without looking at the answers (opinions) my very first thought was, and still is, do NOT say anything to the boyfriend until his finals are over.

I really don't think his mother did something terrible in telling her DIL and not telling her son immediately. What would be the reason not to tell kallboe? She lives in the same house. She is considered part of the family. There is a logical and compassionate reason to postpone telling the son. But kallboe is not taking exams. It would seem to me natural to want to tell those who love Dad the outcome of the hospital visit when you return from the hospital.

I would also not fault Mother if she had chosen to wait and tell both son and DIL together.

Those of you who were told there were no more treatments for your husband to try and you had to decide to use hospice care -- how calm and rational and able to think ahead were you the hours after that decision? This is a big care milestone. It is big when it is your parent going on hospice and huge when it is your spouse.

I think kallboe's MIL deserves our compassion, whether she made the same decision we would make/made or not.

As I said in my original post, I think the mother must have been feeling something akin to overwhelmed. I also said I didn't understand why the mom told Kallboe. My meaning was - why would she tell one and then expect that person to keep the secret from the other. It's a hard position to put someone in - not knowing the mom personally myself it's hard to say - but I would hope that's not something the mom would typically do if it weren't for the fact she was probably stressed and feeling - overwhelmed.

But I think it speaks volumes as to how the mom feels about her DIL - that she trusts her and values her as a person of compassion and caring. This is why most of my answer addressed not breaking that bond of trust. Everyone has probably had a friend - or themselves - who has a MIL who gets in between their son and his wife to work both ends against the middle - but that definitely doesn't seem to apply here. Just a mom dealing with a very ill husband - the father of her child - and facing the possibility that his time left is short. Yes - mom deserves compassion and her wishes and confidences need to be respected.

If the son gets upset at kallboe for not telling I would hope -"honey, your mom is hurting, she told me what she did because she needed to talk about it. Your mom didn't want you stressed during finals when there isn't really anything you could have done. Mom is scared and hurting - how could I have NOT respected her wishes on this. She trusts me" I would hope this would be all kallboe would need to say.

As for kallboe- perhaps having never lost a parent - or spouse- as most of us have - maybe she doesn't fully grasp how devastating it can be. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt - and that she can see it's not about how she feels, what she think, its about trust, respect and compassion.

That was my other thought on the matter. MIL trusted you to help carry a huge burden, and specifically asked you to keep the confidence. This is a relationship you need to nurture by honoring her trust. It's just a matter of a day or two for a very good reason. You do NOT want to end up as the bad guy in both your BFs potentially damaging stress at exam time AND violating the trust and confidence of your mother in law. If your BF is upset that you didn't tell him the truth is the only reason you didn't us because your mother asked you not to. The decision not to tell rests on her, you were being a good friend by keeping her confidence. "Hospice" is a scary word but the truth is life is tenacious and odds are very great your BF will have time to square accounts and day goodbye after exams.