Do I tell our adult kids?

Your kids need to know. She has been diagnosed so now you will need to make all the decisions for her.

If you are caring for someone with diagnosed dementia, there is only ONE promise that you MUST KEEP- “I PROMISE MYSELF, that I will never promise the LO I care for ANY PROMISE that will potentially make her care, or the lives of anyone whom she loves, more difficult or painful”.

Making “promises” to someone with a condition that is progressively causing cognition loss is unfair to your wife AND to you and her children.

Your wife does not need to tell, nor will she benefit if you don’t tell them. If you are more comfortable waiting a while longer you could tell them that you’re trying to get a grip on why Mom has occasional outbursts, and you’ll let them know when you have more information.

Tough stuff. Wishing you the very best while dealing with it. PLEASE keep in mind that she’s losing what made her the woman you loved, and at some perhaps distorted level, she’s grieving your loss too.

SHE’S not abusing you. It’s the new person she’s becoming.

Your children need to know . My Mom did Not tell me and I had No idea what was going on. Knowing what I know Now I would have made better decisions for her care but in the end she wanted to remain in charge .

Hi Shadow - I'm so sorry to hear all you and your wife are going thru. You can't take this all on yourself - it's too much. And it wouldn't benefit your wife anyway.

You'll need to let your kids know, but your wife doesn't need to be informed of that. It's important to reach out to family and to various resources along the way as a support. There are support groups specifically for this as well that can also provide more information and knowledge.

Wishing you much strength and clarity ...and I hope you also take good care of yourself.

Well, how would you - or she - feel if your children kept their major medical conditions a secret from YOU?

You have already reached the point where wife's/mom's wishes in this matter are not appropriate.
You will have to tell your wife that she is currently having changes that her children won't understand without explanation, and that it is their right as grown children to know what is happening to their parents, and what they may have to help with in future.

Will she react well to your telling her this? Perhaps not. But her children have a right, imho, to know this. Knowing will increase their ability to understand daily interactions now; to me with vascular dementia, that is a must.

So you promised not to tell until there is a diagnosis. You kept that promise. Now you have the dx. They should be told. Even if you made a promise not to, it is time to tell your wife that you have reconsidered and have decided that the children have a right to know. Include her in the discussion. Tell her your plans first. Then do it.

I am so sorry you are both faced with this diagnosis and I wish you the best of luck. I don't really believe in lies and withholding something this crucial to the relationship of the mom to her children is a lie of a sort that can have bad repercussions.

Because vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of only 5 years, I think your children need to be told so they can better help you and also better understand why their mom is acting the way she is.
I don't think "family secrets" benefit anyone, promise or no promise. It will just cause hard and hurt feelings down the road.
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July of 2018, even though he was showing signs a good year before, and he died Sept. 2020.
I told both my children, as they deserved to know not only what their stepfather was going through but also what their mom was going through.
I wish you well in using your discernment in this situation.

You have my sympathy for what you and your wife are going through. Dementia really is a cruel disease.

You have already gotten good advice. I would tell your children.

As difficult as this will be they deserve a chance to prepare themselves for what is coming and help both of you through the difficult times ahead.

If you didn't tell them, you'd be going down this road alone.

There's really no good reason not to tell them. Your wife is upset, so tell them that, too, but they absolutely should know, especially if yours is a close family.

I’m so sorry. Please don’t feel as if you have to keep this promise. I think your children deserve to know.

I am sure your children will be terribly upset about their mother’s situation. How do you suppose they will handle their mother not wanting to share the news?

How are you doing? I read in your profile that you have been married for 50 plus years.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

I was not told.
But I could see.

I hope you’ll let them know. It’s unrealistic and unreasonable not to be honest with adult children. They will only be confused and frustrated without a clear understanding of what’s happening

I think you should tell them. It's really not fair that you bear this burden alone. Even if you don't plan to ask your kids for help, they need to understand what is happening with the changes in her behavior, especially if sometimes the behavior is targeted toward them. Also don't promise that you won't place her in professional care. It may not be a promise you can keep.

I would tell them - It is good to be educated about the Ilness - You can tell them secretly - They may want to join a support group or get a therapist or read up and Know what to expect. Knowledge is Power . I wish someone had let me know About My Mom I certainly would Have done things differently - I had No Idea . She was a great actress and I Knew nothing about dementia and in her Last stages she could Not smell or taste anything and she said " Karen I never thought this would Happen to me "

This is a hard decision. Me personally, if I told my husband not to tell and he did, I would be sooo p_ _ _ _d. I know she is hard to reason with but maybe you can talk her into it. Tell her its not fair to you because she is having you carry a burden you just don't want to do. I definitely would tell if asked. Then there is your kids being mad because they weren't told. Catch 22.

Maybe tell them so they r aware but keep it under their hats.

Since she has already had mean bouts with a son, assuming this was abnormal behavior, they should be told, however not with your wife around. Before you tell them though, I would think about what guidelines you would want to give them. For instance, is there some topic that seems to set her off more than others? If so, what are the safe zones and which are likely to incur her wrath. When you are dealing with her, how do you navigate getting her to agree to do something? Give them hints on how to navigate around her, however, don’t be so agreeable that she feels patronized.

Some of the reasons why I think you need to tell them is that you need emotional support now and perhaps in the future when you will not be feeling so well. You may also need their help in determining her future. As someone else pointed out, do not promise that you will keep her home or that you will take care of her all the time. Use the word manage, meaning you will oversee, however, not necessarily be physically present.

Most of all, don’t use the word crazy or irrational. Those types of words just make the person fearful and more argumentative.

If your wife asks whether you told the kids, be truthful and say yes. Point out that you promised to tell the kids when you know for sure, and now you know for sure.

I try very hard not to use therapeutic fibs. I believe that telling the truth is very important as it builds consistency and trust, something that a person who is losing their memory really needs during these times. Please choose words that respect the truth and do not alarm. This can be very hard to do depending upon the person you are. Consistency and truth are much easier to keep up as she goes through her diminishing memory cycles.

Also remember the behavior and compassion you show now, is teaching your children how to behave toward you when you will not be in good health.

Use this time as a teaching experience for your children and their children and all the people you interface with.

Best wishes for the journey ahead.

It seems to me that if you DO NOT tell your adult children, that they potentially are missing out on the quality time they could have with their mother, while she still have the cognitive abilities to understand and communicate with them.

You do not want to cheat your kids out of this time - which is a gift - to them - to everyone. Once this 'window of (time) opportunity is gone - it is gone forever.

Perhaps tell your kids and INSTRUCT THEM NOT TO MENTION (the disease/condition) to your wife / their mother that they know.

* In this way, your wife FEELS 'better' believing what she wants / believing what the truth is...

AND

* Your / her children have quality time with her 'while they can.'

This is a 'win-win' situation to me.

"Truth is subjective - when it has to do with changing brain chemistry - and must include a component of compassion."

Gena / Touch Matters

More than likely, your kids are catching on. Leaving them in the dark is taking away time they could have with their mom before the dementia takes over completely. Speaking as the daughter of a mom with Alzheimer’s, I’m so glad she lived with me before it took over. I have those memories and would give anything to have more.

I imagine your wife doesn’t want her kids to see her as weak, but this isn’t weakness, this disease is completely out of her control. As parents we want to be strong for our kids and let them know we will always be there for them. However, there does come a time when it is time to give back to our parents.

She may want to tell them on her own terms and I would support that as long as you can. But ultimately not sharing medical things with your kids almost makes it worse when you find out that not only are they sick but they have known for x number of time and kept it from you.

Hope this helps.

So you should bear this huge burden alone, while your son thinks his mother has just gotten real mean in her old age? All in an effort to keep a secret asked of you by an elder suffering from brain damage. Let common sense prevail here. Of course your children have the right to know their mother has a terminal illness that will take her life in relatively short order. Nobody is better off in the dark about such things. If your wife gets angry at you for divulging her secret, better that than your children's anger at you for keeping HER secret!

I'd have a hard time honoring that 'promise'.

For one thing, it's going to become VERY evident something is wrong with mom. They deserve to know and act accordingly.

My DH had HCV and it caused him to develop liver cancer. Our kids had all been told when they were 'of age' (between 16-18) that their dad had HCV and how it was impacting our lives. Also, so they wouldn't shave with his razor or use his toothbrush, or be sure to let ME handle any cuts, scrapes, etc. None of us contracted it from him.

When he was dxed with cancer, he didn't want the kids to know. Well, initially we thought it was a death sentence and I wanted the kids (who were ALL adults by this time) to know so they could support us both, emotionally.

4/5 handled the news well and they were so supportive. To this day, I am so grateful. The '1' just sat and cried and kind of fell apart. She got better and eventually was able to deal with the stress (and believe me, waiting for the 'right' organ is brutal, as he was actively dying.)

DH had a successful liver transplant 9 months after the dx of cancer. We both NEEDED the kids' support.

He was emotionally very depressed, post surgery and it was important that he had a good villaage of people to support him and to be with him when I was crashing and burning.

When I was dxed with NHL, I did all the tests required and then told the kids. Again, all adults. They didn't have to DO anything for me, but be there.

A burden shared is a blessing. You cannot carry it all on your own.

It’s a very difficult position to be in. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer he asked me not to share his situation with others. We did tell our daughters.

My mom was dying in hospice when he was diagnosed and we decided that she didn’t need to be burdened with knowing that he was going through cancer treatments.

One day, my husband caught me crying and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I respected his decision not to say anything to anyone but that it was really hard for me not to be able to discuss my feelings with anyone other than our children.

He saw that I was hurting and said that he understood that I needed support from my friends. My friends who had spouses who went through their own health issues were a great comfort to me.

Some people are private people and they don’t want to be treated any differently than they were before. They don’t want anyone to feel sorry for them. Plus, they may need time to process the information before sharing it with others.

I think it’s always best to look at the entire picture, process the situation ourselves, then decide what is best overall. Some people certainly deserve to know and others we may want to spare their few, such as my mother who was dying.

Others may be such worry warts that they would drive a person nuts if they knew what was going on. So, I feel like it’s fine to be selective in who we tell and when we say anything.

The same thing happens when a woman is struggling with infertility. We don’t want to share that we are pregnant until our pregnancy is farther along. It becomes too hard and sometimes it is easier to process our emotions privately.

People, even though they are well meaning, sometimes say foolish remarks that are hurtful. It’s easier to avoid saying anything to certain people.

Schedule a group appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can educate you and your children, so that you all have more clarity and get to communicate with mom before she disappears. Also, DO NOT make promises to anyone. The doctor can prescribe medications that can address temper tantrums. Don't forget to discuss how her disease is affecting YOU.

Tell your kids. You will need their support and their understanding. Your wife does not need to know that you told them. I'm so glad my daughter was there to hear the diagnosis when I was told.

Shadow23: If you hold onto that promise to not tell your kids that their mother now suffers from mid stage vascular dementia, THEY could be the ones who are angry at you. Oftentimes promises shouldn't be kept.

Longer story- years ago I had arthroscopic knee surgery- a simple office procedure but when I mentioned it to my adult kids they were furious that i hadn’t told them. I was mystified but realized they don’t want to be excluded or treated like children. You need to find out what she is afraid of in telling them and I’ll bet she’s afraid of how they will look at her or treat her. She is their mother and doesn’t want to be seen as deficient. You need to tell her that it will hurt the adult children if they don’t know, especially as the disease progresses and they are aware but feel they can’t talk about it. You need to tell her that you cannot keep the promise because it is unfair to “the kids” and unfair to you because you will need someone to discuss the situation with besides support groups.

Yes, tell the kids. Perhaps for her, ask them to not discuss with her. They need to know what the diagnosis is, that he problem w/son stems from the disease and you're having some issues with her too. If you don't tell them, they could take some of the outbursts or argumentative behavior personal and it's really not - it's the disease.

The kids need to know. They can do their own reading/research so they have a better understanding of how the disease progresses. One or more may step in to be available to help you more -or- maybe not. Some don't get involved because everyone has their own level of being a caretaker. Some can't watch a loved one in decline. You need to know up front what kind of participation you will get from them. Don't be angered if they don't help or remain in denial, you're going to need all the strength you can muster without carrying feelings of anger toward others. Bless you and the family on this journey.