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Mom is 92 with dementia and has been in her tiny little room since March. I was allowed in til about 2 months ago, then they kicked me out cause county cases had risen. I was an exception to the rule due to mom's mental condition and she gets so lonely and is completely dependent. With me getting covid tested and wearing a mask, why can’t I get her and take her for a ride or come in? It seems residents have no rights. Shouldn’t they be able to choose what risk they want to take?

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The elder who returns after "taking a risk" brings covid back to a facility that others cannot escape from. The facility will set the rules, and they are the best ones to explain the rules to you. Your Mom does have a choice in that she may make the choice to leave the facility, to be cared for by family during covid-19. Covid is on the rise again. I am afraid that rules will have to tighten again. All who congregate together, either by choice, or because they must (as in your Mom's situation) are more at risk, as are our elders.
I think that the only reason it is not allowed to give elders a ride away from their facility, say into the country, is that the facility cannot trust that their rules will be obeyed. For instance, Mom may insist on a shopping stop at Target, there get the virus, and bring it back home with her.
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Let’s say they change their policy and let family take Mom/Dad out for an hour or so. Ooops, one of them got contaminated while out, and the virus spread through the facility like crazy. Your mother gets it and either dies or has complications for the rest of her life.

Would you be able to accept that? Was the risk worth it? H*ll no.

Facilities with vulnerable people HAVE TO be vigilant if they want their residents to remain alive and mostly well. They aren’t restricting to be mean or paranoid. It legit is a matter of life or death.
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LoopyLoo Nov 2020
(Also, evidently H-E-L-L is too harsh a word here, got altered as “h*ll”.)

I don’t get the censoring; not like there’s 10 year olds on here. Carry on, dernit!
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My LO was infected with Covid by an ASYMPTOMATIC CARRIER. My LO didn’t get a choice about her risk.

She too “gets so lonely” and is completely dependent. In fact I’m her only living relative.

She became ill on a Friday, and the person who infected her had no symptoms until the Sunday afternoon following.

If you are in a high risk area, which most US areas are, your mom would be vulnerable to exposure too.

It really isn’t an issue of residents’ “rights”. In my area, it’s STILL a matter of safety. My heart breaks for both of us, you and me.

Being responsible for someone I care so deeply for, and not being able to assure her that I’m nearby and LOVE HER, is unbearable to me. When the phone rings at any time of day or not, I break into a cold sweat, each time thinking it may be that call informing me that she’s gone.

I have cautious hopes that I may be able to see her indoors at some point soon enough that she’ll still know who I am. I doubt that I’ll be able to hug her, but if/when I’m allowed to, it will be the biggest, gentlest hug I know how to give.

Hopes and prayers that you will be United SOON, with your mom. I know only too well how painful this is.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Ann, I so hope your LO will get through fine. My bro's ex got this in his late mid 70s with a predisposing medical fragility, and got through it, no ventilator. We are facing hard times. Today's map shows that Covid-19 is up in 37 States, and we are seeing the stats round the world. I never thought for a second this wouldn't come in the fall and here it is. We all must hope hard now, because the second go-round in the 1918 flu was the worst, and it hit the young quite hard, as well as the elders.
Very tough times. Is your LO in a facility? My daughter has just now returned to teaching, Washington State. I can tell you they are all pretty terrified. A friend went to a Seattle SeaHawks party where 17 were attending. 7 got it. One has died of it. Principal already has informed a friend tested positive so he is out for 14 days isolation. It seems to me it is coming fast, and hitting closer to home.
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Please note this is a very serious medical issue. You can argue residents should be allowed to choose, but the reality is that they are choosing for others in the facility, whether residents or staff. Don't they have rights too? Especially in regard to what is a life/death issue?
Please keep in mind that facility cannot properly monitor resident that is taken out and brought back in. Did they take all the precautions? Are they asymptomatic? This is hard on everyone's psychological health, but it is what it is - a serious medical/quarantine issue, not a political one. And people have, are and will die because of public failure to support preventive measures.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
Amen, Rovana.
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You're not understanding the responsibilities that the facilities face.. The facility cannot guarantee that you won't take your mom somewhere and pick up Covid. If she should bring it back to the facility then they've got a huge problem. You don't have the right to put other lives in jeopardy just because you want to take your mom out of the facility on a ride. The other patients can't be let out for a ride either because they could also endanger others in the facility...your mom included. Its tough for everyone not just you and your mom. Lucky you that you get to go visit her inside the facility. I get to visit through a closed window. Hardly seems fair that your allowed in. Just enjoy the time you have with her in whatever capacity you are allowed.
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my2cents Nov 2020
Agreed. A window visit is very limiting for you while another person is given an exception to go inside. Bringing the virus into the facility is a huge risk for all - not just the risk takers. And if your area sees a spike and hospitals shut down visitation, there's a good chance that fun trip you took will be your last memory of her alive. Many hospitals only allow 1 or 2 to visit when the patient is actively dying. And some don't even allow that. They die alone with no one holding their hand or talking to them. Went through that with my relative (he didn't have covid, but covid rules in place for hosp) and it's the most horrible feeling in the world not to be with your loved one. Especially when he hated to be alone - EVER - in his life.
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The risk taken with that does not apply to just your mom. The risk is exposed to everyone then. As much as you say you would wear a mask, only go for a drive... there are others who would say the same, down the road , the mask comes off , they stop somewhere...puts the entire community at risk. The elderly are the most vulnerable. My moms AL have gone to extreme lengths to keep Covid out. The lock down is one of them.
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Mysteryshopper Nov 2020
You make a very good point here. We were not allowed visits for a very long time and also were not allowed to drop off items to LO. It was literally NOTHING from the outside world could be brought to the facility by family members - even if we did not come inside. Even the workers were asked to bring in nothing more than phone and keys - everything else should be left in the car. Even basic items (like underwear) were not allowed to be dropped off to residents. They had to work with what they already had & fortunately I'd just gone thru her closet in Feb. To me, I felt like some judgment could have been used - it's not like I was dropping off great-granny's Victrola (something that could obviously wait). I think the rules are written for the lowest common denominator and if I were allowed to drop off underwear, someone would raise a fuss that they should be allowed to bring in whatever they want and it would get out of control. Not to mention possible exposure during the dropping off process, etc. Good point.
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OP - I can understand how you feel. (to some degree)

I understand the fact the Nursing Facilities want to follow guidelines in what they think will keep their residents safe. That part is understood and no questions asked.

However, Have they ever thought what damage is being done to these elderly by keeping them imprisoned? (sort of speak) Do they not understand this isolation is not good on their mental and physical well being?

Imagine the loneliness they must feel. How about the sadness and depression from not seeing their loved ones. Could this not add stress to the physical body? (heart)

I do understand here, there are measures to take to ensure safety. For instance, You can go to the doctor's office. They will check your temperature, keep you 6 feet apart and require a mask.

I feel the same can be done in a Nursing Facility.

Where the is a will, there is a way.
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haileybug Nov 2020
Really, I think it is an excuse. (to some degree)

Think about the employees there. When they are not working, they are out and about. Can possibly get contaminated, Right?

So, the same measures the facilities use for their employees to return into the building are the same measures they can use on the visitors?
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Most facilities have to follow the guidelines established by their state governors.
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You have to consider the rights of ALL of the patients in that facility when it comes to rules. As I always say, your rights end where my nose begins. Your mother's 'right' to go out on the town poses serious risk to the right of those patients are more concerned about catching covid. So as far as her rights, you did get extra consideration when they let you in for a period of time. Your mom can choose the risk she wants (or you choose it for her), however her risk taking should not include all the other patients in her choices.

Don't you think all of the patients would love for their family to come in, or go for a ride? And if 50% are really careful going in/going out, wouldn't you be a little upset if someone on the other side of that fence brought a huge covid outbreak and gave it to your mom?

They have no idea where you take mom, if you're really a masker when you are out, or if your family might be a bunch of anti-maskers. If case count went higher in your area, locking them down is the best defense they have. It's bad enough the staff have to come and go as a means for the virus to travel, but that is unavoidable. There was a nursing home in Texas where every single patient and all of the staff caught it - several died, including our neighbor's relative.

You/your mom do have rights/choices to make. Leave her there following the facility rules to avoid covid outbreak or take her to your house until they come up with a vaccine that works. Then you can come/go as you please.

You getting a covid test today at 1:00 certainly doesn't mean you can't be exposed to it by 2:00. The mask helps to contain your coughing, but if you get around others sharing their coughing fits and germs with everyone in a public setting, there's still a chance of getting it. Our job, as I see it, is to protect our families and those we don't know who could be at risk. Until we all get on board to take precautions for those we don't even know, I think we'll continue to see the spikes pop up. Wear the mask for someone else!!! - I wouldn't want you to bring in the virus and make my grandmother sick or kill her, she had the rights too. To expect facility to keep her safe.

You might get an ipad or other device so staff could help her connect with you. Maybe that would help both of you.
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There is really no good solution here. Yes, you are correct, patients in hospitals are allowed one designated visitor. And sometimes the hospital rules don't make complete sense either, In my state of Illinois, if you are having a procedure like a colonscopy or something that requires anesthesia and a driver, the driver cannot come in the hospital to wait. If you are having surgery, which my husband just did, one person could come in and wait with him in pre-op waiting area, and then again was allowed in room after he woke up. They are trying to limit access while still responding to needs. We cannot see my mother except outside because a staff member just tested positive again. It is 30 degrees here so no outside visits.

The facilities are doing the best they can do. And the NH population is more vulnerable. Of the 230,000 deaths in the United Stated, 80% of them are people over 65 years old and of that group, 40% of the deaths are people in nursing homes of some type. So the facilities are trying to keep them alive. Yes, the isolation might be hastening their declines but the facilities cannot do anything about that beyond what they can do, We did not see my FIL from March until he died on May 18th. So I do understand that this is difficult but when you look at the stats, taking people out of the facility for a ride is just too risky. How would they control the exposure that occurred. You take them for a ride, they get exposed, maybe by you and you bring them back so they can infect 10 people before anyone knows it has happened.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2020
But most people in a nursing home are dying. Does it really have to be so lonely for them in the last days?

How many of the deaths were actually covid and not the underlying ailment? I question the numbers because of the financial incentives offered for caring for covid patients. Were they even tested?

Don't get me wrong, I think that all reasonable precautions should be taken but, the reality is that people are failing because of the isolation. Is letting our elders die alone and believing that they have been forgotten really the best solution we can find? Especially when caregivers are the ones bringing it in to the facilities.
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