I take care of my mom, who lives with me. It seems like she is always finding things to get angry about or things to cry about or be depressed or worry about. In her defense, she has a lot of health issues and chronic pain. She's home alone a lot when I'm at work, and I do notice times when she's trying to be positive.
I'm just tired of all of it and I'd like to vent. I'm sick of her attitude, I'm sick of her constantly finding problems all the time with people or things that she expects me to fix or solve, I'm sick of talking to people on her behalf, I'm sick of trying to play devil's advocate all the time because she thinks everyone is out to screw her over, I'm sick of her feeling like she can say anything to me, no matter how rude, but is extremely defensive and reactive if I point out any of her flaws. I'm tired of her finding all the things wrong with her life instead of things that are right. I'm sick of her crying and feeling sorry for herself. I just want to leave sometimes.
SIMPLY ---- YES, and they do.
I guess there is solace to know we are not alone.
Often as we age we lose all the positive connections in life - friends, independence, physical health, meaningful activities, etc etc etc so it becomes harder to make any kind of conversation that isn't focused inwardly and in a negative way. But just because she is wallowing in in doesn't mean you have to wallow too, come right out and say that you'd rather talk about something more positive, if she can't/won't then get up and leave the room.
Why in the world aren't they more cheery?
Have you tried Adult care. No, its not cheap. But maybe Mom can get Medicaid to pay partial or all of the cost.
Does Mom have any money? Maybe a nice AL? Here in NJ you pay at least two years and then Medicaid can be applied for. If facility excepts Medicaid and has not hit their quota, Mom could stay using Medicaid for her care.
Blunt time. You don't need to pick out her flaws but you do need respect. Tell her after a hard day at work that you really don't want to hear her negativity. You would like to come home and enjoy a nice dinner and relax. Explain that you are now an adult not her little child. And as that adult who is allowing her to live in your house and supporting her, you deserve respect. You will no longer listen to her negativity. You will no longer do for her the things she can do for herself. You will no longer agree with her just to make her happy. You are not on this earth to make her happy. She needs to find that for herself. You know thats hard with all her health problems but her negativity is bringing you down and its not good for her. So the complaining has to stop. If she wants any kind of relationship with you everything has to stop. If not, you will be two people just sharing a space. Or, other living arrangements will have to be made. You have to work but you don't have to continuing to allow her to live with you.
Your obligation to Mom is to make sure she is cared for. Doesn't mean she has to live with you. Doesn't mean u foot the bill. At this point, she needs you more than you need her. I am not beyond a little threat to bring some people around. Yes, her life is not what she thought it would be. Thats not your fault and unless her illnesses were not brought on by neglect on her part, not her fault either. But she will not be happy unless she changes. And your reaction when she gets started is to tell her you will no longer listen, and walk out of the room. She can't complain if there is no one to complain to.
I would make an appointment and discuss anti-depressants with her and the doctor. They not only make many that are not so heavy-duty in this day and age, but they help with chronic pain.
What interests does your Mom have? Puzzles, books on tape. knitting, painting, coloring books? Anything you can think of to redirect her mind off the path it is habitually forming. You are describing hopelessness and grief as well as depression.
My aunt, age 80, is like this. Been married 55+ years to a nice man and never had to work. Husband made great money and she got to travel, buy whatever expensive things she wanted, big house in an affluent area, tons of jewelry, nice house, nice cars. You'd think she'd be happy with how her life turned out, right?
Nope. To hear her talk, you'd think she was broke and living in a shack. Every health problem is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone on Earth. She's been at death's doorstep for 50+ years. No one is as tired, gets as hungry, and hurts all day like she does. We know not to ask her how she's doing, because she will tell you.
Brings up all kinds of bad things from the past. None of which can be rectified now, since the people she gripes about are dead. If she's not doing that, she's talking about all these people that she is going to get revenge on for whatever reason. There's always someone she wants to sue.
At every family holiday gathering, she hobbles into the house and starts with the "Oh, it was all I could do just to get here" despite living all of 20 minutes drive away, and she wasn't even the one driving!
Some people are only happy when they are miserable.
I do think whenever someone doesn't feel good, has a lot of health issues and is in chronic pain that contributes to a person's overall outlook and they often express those things with anger, resentment and a "feel sorry for themselves" kind of attitude. In some ways I can't and don't blame them.
I did notice you said she thinks everyone is out to screw her over and to me that signals maybe some mental health issues that may include some paranoia. I think one of the main things to look at is someone's personality/temperament in general. In other words what was your mom like before all these issues as well as when she was younger. If she was the same but to a lesser degree, than I would say aging and health issues have magnified how she already was. As "Isthisrealyreal" said there are just some people who are only happy when they are miserable and I've heard that many times in my life. I also know there are so many people who suffer insurmountable problems whether they are health-related or not and they have phenomenal attitudes and you're left scratching your head wondering how they can be that way. I can probably sum that one up in one word "gratitude" (take out the letters "g" and "r" and add an extra "t" and you will have attitude).
Some people will work at changing their attitude while others will always remain stuck because it's what they know and sometimes oddly enough they may feel comfortable with that especially if it may get them attention or someone to feel sorry for them. You mentioned you've noticed she tries to be positive but it could be like trying to teach an old dog new tricks - it may not stick.
I do understand how sick and tired it's making you. It's extremely difficult living with someone like that and especially if you yourself are more of a positive, optimistic type. It's very hard to not allow yourself to be dragged down by that type of behavior. Sadly, that can be a goal of theirs. Miserable people don't like happy people - the reverse of what you're feeling. It's a good thing you have a job to go to as that may be your only saving grace!
True huh? :)
Anyway, I hear you. I'm lucky b/c my mother lives in a Memory Care ALF b/c there is NO WAY on EARTH I'd have her and her baggage come live with me. Period. Growing up in her home was more than enough. Way more.
You might want to start looking around at Independent Living places for seniors and get your mother set up in an apartment over there. Then she can join all the others who love to complain non-stop 24/7 about their horrible lots in life. Misery loves company; your mother doesn't have enough company so you're her only scratching post.
Good luck!
Mom has managed money very poorly and has waited until age 82 and poor health to decide she's probably not going to be able to stay in her house - sure would have been nice if this has anticipated a few years ago although I realize that isn't always possible. The expectation seems to be that I'm going to play a major role in decluttering her semi-hoarded home and help her move to a smaller place closer to me, then be available at her beck and call.... we'll have to see about that.
(Truth is I'm actually really mad about it. Mom got an advanced degree which she only used to work for 10 years, then she retired at 55 and has done volunteer work for the past 20+ years, with apparently no thought at all about saving for retirement. I have a BPD brother for whom she paid bills for a decade after he became an adult - maybe she should call HIM for help?)
The aunt who never seems to think about anyone but herself, very nearly, smoked cigarettes without a care in the world for 40 years. I do care that she now has COPD, asthma and a host of other problems but it's hard to have the world's deepest well of patience when at least some of it could have been prevented. I don't feel like I can say much when there's nothing she can do about it now but privately I'm thinking that often.
It helps to know we're all dealing with this. Hope I'm not this black hole of self absorption when I'm an octagenarian tho I do see how it happens with bad health, limited means of income and nothing much else to think about.
I have had to move home since my 91 yr old dad passed last year & I also lost my job due to COVID.
I just posted an issue regarding my relationship with my mom which at times gets very intense and difficult. My mom complains regularly about EVERYTHING. She judges unfairly based on nonsense and insists the world is out to get her, etc. Mom rarely - if EVER - takes accountability for anything so I try not to be disrespectful, but at times listening to her relentless complaining & bias judgements is more than I can take.
I believe we need to put ourselves first, which is easier said than done, and distance ourselves from a difficult parent/relative as needed. I wish you luck and will pray for both of us so we can enjoy what time we have left on this beautiful planet. Please take care & stay well!
Anxiety meds have helped; neither of us are ‘drug people’ but to me this is the time you do start using them. Would it help if she adopted new hobbies, made a new friend, exercised? Yes. But will she do any of those things? In my case, no. So she wouldn’t help herself so I intervened.
Wishing you the best. 💐
Fortunately my mother is only like this part of the time, just when some small situation arises that she doesn’t know how to deal with, sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.
I do what I can, and if that doesn’t help I just tune her out.
My mother doesn’t have the chronic pain though, thank God! Do you think this might be the main issue driving your mom’s constant misery?
Lets all of us here make a pact to NOT be like that as we enter that stage of life. Stay self-aware!
You are getting older
You hurt sometimes a lot sometimes it is a little and it might be all the time.
Your hands don't work as well
Your knees don't work
Your friends are dead or dying or you have lost contact with them
And you realize that you are dying. Maybe not this week or this month but you are a lot closer to the end than you were yesterday, or the day before that. And it makes you sad. It also makes you reflect on all the things that you should have, could have, would have done had you had the time, the money or just taken a week off work rather than trying to buy the next "new" thing.
Then you are not in your own house. You are no longer "in charge" so you try to do things that make you in charge of something.
Can you help mom get involved with Volunteer work?
Is there an Adult Day Care that is currently open?
Is there a project that she can work on?
A recipe book of family favorites. She can write them down and it can be copied and given as a gift to family members.
Do you have old photos with people you don't know? Can she identify people and locations on the back of them.
Are there boxes in the basement or attic that she can go though and divide into Toss, Donate, Sell and Save piles?
And stop trying to "fix" things for her tell her that she needs to talk to people herself. If she is having problems with purchases, contracts because of memory problems that opens up a Whole 'Nuther can of worms and at that point if you do not have POA it might be time to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and get all the paperwork in order.
Doesn't anyone have any compassion any more?
Of course EmotionallyNumb feels exasperated - who wouldn't?
But try to think of how her mother feels and put yourself in her shoes for a moment if you can.
How would YOU cope with being in pain 24/7? It takes over your life. When the meds stop working so well, there's nothing else there but pain.
You try to think about other things, and sometimes you can for a while, but then there it is again: Pain.
It is all-absorbing sometimes, taking a normally upbeat person and pulling them down into a living h*ll.
The worst part is knowing that it will never get better! Arthritis, etc. only get worse over time - there is no cure, no relief.
The next time you are ready to kick someone to the curb over the fact that they are voicing their discomfort, take a step back and realize that it won't be too much longer before you, yourself, may be in the very same situation.
How will you cope?