Do you dread going to the NH to visit?

When my mom was very advanced and mostly non verbal I found it easiest to visit during meal times or when there was a recreation event going on, sometimes I'd take her outside for a walk or I'd just push her up and down the halls - we could be together without having to come up with conversation.

I just returned from visiting my mother in her NH and I couldn't agree more. She has been there 3 years and is very, very slowly getting weaker, more forgetful, frustrated and difficult to deal with. She always wants to leave and believes that my dead dad will be there to pick her up whenever I visit. She never wants to leave her room as she can't hear. She will be 90 next month but I am sure she has many years ahead of her, continuing to decline.

People often say, "You are lucky she is still alive." Personally, I don't think the life she has is "living" and she is just a husk of the person she once ways. So "Yes", I dread going to the NH.

My mom had a four year stay in a NH and I dreaded every visit. She couldn’t communicate well due to stroke damage, making conversation tough, often one sided, and feeling forced. I continually had to remind myself of the importance of the visits, she desperately needed the company, and the workers needed to see that she was someone who was loved and cared for. We know without a doubt that it made a real impact on her care. Never a bedsore, never a fall, never a bruise in four years. It’s a fact that when people see you involved and caring, they step up and care more also. That doesn’t make the visits any more fun. I often took mom outside in a wheelchair if the weather was good, I talked about the plants we could see. I went during activities, her ability to participate was nominal, but both of us did our best and it was a distraction. Sometimes I just held her hand. The visits were long and awkward for me, but the life there was excruciating for her, to be away from her home, her family, and be robbed of all her abilities—not sure any of us can imagine until we live it ourselves. I truly wish you peace in this, knowing it’s so very hard

Please make an appointment with a Geriatric Psychologist who can walk you through this time with more understanding, more compassion and more hope for your future, since that's where you're going.

Ranting is perfectly acceptable as this stage of life is just as frustrating as raising rebellious teenagers. Most of the efforts are thwarted and confusing without a sense of control........as in "out of control."

Your visits are not rewarding, but they will be with you the rest of your life. Give it your best effort, even if you walk away defeated. This period is known as the "Long Goodbye." Go through it without expectations and learn to practice mindfulness meditation, if you're not already doing so.

Omg i could not have read this at a better time, as I lie here procrastinating going to the NH to see my dad. I dread it now, and go almost every other day, sometimes daily but he has declined so much and is so confused all the time, it makes it excruciatingly hard. I am depressed, and I am on only child so just me dealing with this. I have no advice, just that I relate so much and wish I didn't feel this way but it hangs over my head daily as a big dread. My dad is 90 with advanced Parkinson's, CHF, T2 Diabetes, incontinence, can't walk unassisted, kidney disease etc etc. There's no quality of life left with the recent severe decline in his cognition. I am just so burnt out and grieving the dad I used to have who is no longer this person.

I think you might dread the visit less if you shift your expectations of them (and of your visitee).

Take flowers, bottles of her preferred soft drink, chocolates, a magazine, whatever treats seem best; hug; check her over; swap over wardrobe (deliver clean clothes, take worn ones for laundering/repair); scan any notes/bulletin boards/communication books for NH or care team news; make a shopping list for next week (tissues, toiletries, etc); another hug; out of there.

If you give it the 30 minutes to 1 hour max we are supposed to allow for service reviews, you'll find you up the pace of your visit and it's over before you know it. Plus you've made yourself useful.

I think it's an unwise idea to write things down on paper for your mother who is now beyond comprehending such matters, and causing her frustration as a result. Visits don't have to be about 'communication' using words, either written or verbal, but about just sitting with her and holding her hand. Body language is often able to communicate more than words anyway! Rub her forehead, run your fingers through her hair, tell her "I love you" and smile when you say those words, so that the smile is relayed THROUGH your words. She'll understand your message. The important things, besides the basics like food and care, is that she knows you're there with her and for her, and that you care about her. Whether dementia is going on or some other disease process that prevents your mom from understanding/communication, it doesn't really matter. Stop applying your needs to these visits, and focus more on touch and gesture while you're there: that makes a stronger statement than any words EVER can. Bring a snack for her to enjoy for later on, or to eat while you're there if she's interested. Towards the end of my mother's life, she'd even turn down her favorite chocolate chip cookies when I'd bring them to her during a visit. So we'd just sit together out in the sunshine and enjoy the weather together, she in her wheelchair & me in a lawn chair.

I too dreaded the visits to her Memory Care b/c it's very difficult to witness the decline of our parents who we love. I don't think it denotes a lack of compassion or understanding, or the need for a geriatric psychologist to guide us through b/c nobody can DO such a thing! It's an individual path we all walk alone, in reality, and one we have to figure out ourselves, too. And while we are all headed towards old age, with God's help, we're not all headed to nursing homes with dementia and the inability to communicate. The support and tips we find here on AgingCare from others who walk this path is often MORE helpful & useful than the 'expert' advice we pay through the nose to get, then scratch our heads wondering WHY we took that route to begin with? That's been my experience with the 'professionals', anyway.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. And I also wish you compassion and grace for YOURSELF as you walk this difficult path which takes a huge toll on us, the children of these elders.

I was lucky at Moms NH. A woman who knew her would visit with her husband, his stroke made him not to be able to do anything. She was a talker like me so we would pass the time talking. Mom was in her last stage so not really doing much but this lady would bring her into the conversation by saying "what do u think of that Peg?" Did the same with her husband. I never stayed real long. Just long enough to say I was there and make sure Mom was fine. Talk to the Nurses.

I think ur once a week at this point is enough. You know we do this more for ourselves then them. They have no idea we have been there after awhile.

Nursing homes are sad and depressing, so it is definitely understandable you dread going to one for a visit.

Start alternating visits with a check-in phone call with the caregivers there. It'll make you feel better knowing how she's doing, and it can take some of the stress off you from physically visiting.

I hate to say it, but not being able to visit my mother during the Covid lockdown was good for my mental health. It wasn't good for hers, unfortunately, but she would have declined regardless of whether I was there or not.

I tried to time my visits for during bingo - it was nice because the other residents would interact with me and my ILs. I got to know their names and would be sure to greet them during visits. While I was good for at least 2 visits a week, my husband had a difficult time going once a week. Maybe because it was his parents.

Thanks for all the great responses and they all hit home in their own way. I do agree that it seems like she is just existing in her shell of a body and the quicker we realize this the easier it may become

Sorry to hear about your family situation. How many miles from your place is the NH,and how often are your visits? With the high cost of fuel, its hardly worth making the trips in. Is this your Mom or another relative?

In my case the opposite was true for the NH I called the care home. Staff were nice and other residents mostly quiet, but not my mother. My late mom, age 93 at the time hated the NH where she had to live for her safety to avoid further falls. When I drove about 4 miles from my place to hers to visit, Mom got very angry and once said,"Take me home!" I told her I could not do that, signed out and walked out, then called my brother to have a talk with her. Her bipolar behavior made it impossible to see her, so I had to stop driving over there and even called a cab to deliver anything to Mom. I could call her, but she always bullied me for "moving her out" of our condo. I always referred to my professional brother and sister for advise. She was finally moved to an OR area near my brother for her final year of life so we could just be friends, but by then she slept 20 hours daily until her end of time in November 20, 2014. Oh anniversary coming up, so I will light a candle that day.

My mom was just taken to a NH last night. She is blind and has many other physical problems but her mind and health is good which is bad to me. I’ve been taking care of her but can’t alone anymore. I cried my eyes out alone as I left. Now I realize as I wake up alone she is now alone.

My dad was the same in the NH, and it was so hard to see. He often didn't even wake up. But the last time I visited him, he did, and he said, "I love you, honey." He died the next day. That was a gift you might not get, but it might be worth the difficult visits. The fact that she wants to sleep so much could be a sign the end is coming. Hugs.

i consider myself a nice person not mean. Long time ago, as a teenager I worked in nursing homes as a nursing assistant. Now whenever a person I know goes to a nursing home or a long stay at hospital. I visit. I make sure there are pictures of their life around them. When my dad fell and was in nursing home, I even brought a newspaper article about something he had been involved in years ago.
These things make it easier for nursing staff to start a conversation while doing care. And the fact that there is family interest means better care...I'm not mean to someone alone, its just the way it is. Your short weekly visits are important for that reason, its the service you do for her now.

hi - i totally agree with lealonnie1. i visit my loved one every day for several hours and i wouldn't miss it for the world. some days are better than others. i tend to not necessarily try and make conversation as his hearing is bad and he can't process what i'm saying. instead i let him chatter away and nod at the appropriate times. if his chatter requires more of a response i may tell him 'i'm not sure, i'll find out' or 'i think so'. just something simple to reassure him. however as lealonnie1 says it's not just conversation - we sit and hold hands, hug, dance, sing etc - as and when he feels like it. he may not always remember my name however for sure he knows i'm someone who's there for him - that takes care of him (yes he has carers and i'm not diminishing their care - they're great) - however having a loved one visit just adds an extra layer of protection and love. i understand people's decision to not visit as much and that their loved one may not even remember they visited - that is also true. you have to do what works for you. personally i cherish every single moment i have with him and i know for sure he benefits from my being there. some homes/carers are happy to let residents sleep all day and of course, this is necessary. i know if i didn't visit my loved one he would sleep a lot more. i don't try to dissuade him from that however when i go he wants to get up, walk around and interact. i personally feel it keeps him alive. you should do whatever you feel is right for you. caregiving whether in a personal or professional capacity can be hard and extremely draining. however it's also very rewarding - to see my loved one 'come alive' when i visit is just the best!

I’d say go without expectations, and keep the visits short. Just tell her you are there and that you love her, and sit with her for maybe just 20 minutes, even if it took you longer than that to get there. Take this as time to breathe, to just “be” with her, even if nothing is “accomplished.” You and I have no idea what is going on beyond the seen - maybe something significant, maybe not. Whatever the case, this time can be a gift for you.

Also be sure to speak with staff a bit each time you are there, not with an agenda but just to ask after your mom or after them. It is important for them to know that you are there and take an interest, and this can make their care more personable.

Holding you in the light, along with the many others going through this difficult season-
Lois

Yes. Seeing my dad was so depressing. He stopped talking. A lot of times I watched him sleep or talked to his roommate if he was up.
I used to take him a small McDonald's shake occassional. But then he started to have swallowing issues.
I never knew he had a horrible bed sore that contributed to his death. I didn't find that out till I got his death certificate. I used to go there and he was always on his back. They are supposed to turn them every 2 hours. He never even had extra pillows on the bed, so now I know they never turned him.
You could go and take some reading material, or cut the visits short. It's hard to sit there and stare at them sleeping. I would also talk a little, but not sure if he understood. He had magazines I would comment on and just show him the pictures. He would nod.

Check her back and find out if they are turning her. There will be 2 extra pillows on the bed. Pop in at different times. Ypu will see if she is being turned. That way you know. Bed sores are horrible, and hard to stop once they kill off some area skin.
Id pop in and take a flower, or dress up her shelf with a dollar store seasonal items like a pumpkin, or a card. That type of thing.
I would stay an hour, but I'd have to read or look at my phone. Maybe you can wake her up?
Chat to the staff. They take better care, when they know the relatives and they aren't complaining. You can ask them how your loved one is doing.
If she is sleeping, then cut the visits 15mins if she wont wake up. I had to drive an hour and a half to see my dad so I stayed longer.
Matbe you can pop in at lunch/meal time and feed her,or see if she is eating ok. Take her something to eat, if no eating issues. Meal times are usually social times. Stay a half hour if she is awake.
Your gonna feel guilty if you stay or not. Take care.

How about visiting without expectations: quietly holding hands can be empowering and requires no other communication. Playing some of her favorite music may bring happy memories back. Happiness is not part of the equation, so don't stress over that issue...........safety, less pain and knowing she's loved will get her through these sad days.

My mom has vascular dementia. I go out about twice a week if I can. I go at mealtime because otherwise she is in bed sleeping. She is always glad to see me - especially if I take the grandbaby with me. She can't hear at all and can't process language very well anymore even if she could hear me. On good days she smiles and talks to me but it's word salad because she has Asphasia so most of the time it makes no sense and I just smile and nod. It seems to be enough. I dread going every single time and I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to go back for a few days after I go. But I'm glad I do, because my brothers are MIA and I'm the only one. Since I go regularly, she remembers me and almost always knows who I am - or at least that I'm someone she loves. So at least she gets some feeling of love and familiarity from my visits. My brother went the other day after not seeing her for a year and she didn't know him. Also, as someone else mentioned, it lets the NH staff know that I will be coming regularly at some point and so I feel that makes a difference in her care. But yes I hate it and then I feel guilty for hating it. It's a horrible cycle. Hang in there. We are all in this together!

Your presence and affirmation of love and caring even for a short visit is valuable to anyone in a NH. Yes, a NH is a challenging place to work in and visit in. Overall it will be helpful for her if you can continue the short visits and do not expect her to communicate well; or, perhaps you can take turns with your other family members and one or two of you make a short visit each week; that way perhaps you can rotate weeks and each will go say 2x a month or if you have four family members who will commit, then 1x month visits each of you. It is distressing and grief provoking to watch loved ones decline ; and the patient even though she cannot express it, is experiencing changing emotions and thoughts and feelings. If you stop going completely you may regret it later. Find some compromise and, plan some on going visit support. You will later be glad that you did. Practice good self care also; taking turns with other family members will help towards this also. Peace.

I may be strange, but I found visiting nursing homes ok. The staff were always friendly (before the Covid short staffed days) & there were activities to talk about.

For that winding down stage, I have sat quietly & looked at the trees out the window together.

What I am beginning to dread is visiting private homes if the occupant requires personal care (eg incontinence).

I think timing is the thing that helps me.

Timing to arrive when the person is likely to enjoy a visit. Keep visit to a reasonable time length. (Not into this sitting all day biz that some do). Timed to have an exit strategy too (if emotionally draining or akward 💩)

Maine127: Perhaps the idea of writing everything down on paper is not working very well. My mother resided in an NH until her life ending stroke. It was my opportunity to see her even though I had been living with her for six months. I cherished those visits.

I am sooo there with you! I love my mom to pieces, but avoid visiting. And I feel so guilty about it

I guess you have to put yourself in her place. I visited my mother 2 to 3 times a week for an hour or so only because my Dad was there every single day for most of her meals. She loved that he was there. She didn't always know who I was, and that can make you feel like your presence is not doing much good for them....but I realized that we don't always know how they are processing our visits and I didn't want her to feel abandoned by her children.....I was the ONLY one who went there regularly. Then I ended up being my father's caregiver and he lived with us until almost the end. He had to be placed in a NH. I visited every day. He needed to know someone was there and cared about him even if he could not verbalize it. Did I like going there??? Heck no....but I didn't like changing baby poopy diapers either...we do what we have to do out of love.

I try to visit 4-5 times per week. Sometimes I dread it, but I know that my mom depends on my visits.

Plus, I have to keep up with things because the staff tries, but does not do everything that they should be doing.

We have to be our loved-one's advocate, because they cannot speak for themself.

How would we feel if we were in the nursing home, and no one wanted to visit us?