I'm my Mother's sole caregiver, she's almost 83, not able to walk, can transfer from motorized chair to commode, can feed herself, lets the dog out, gets the mail when motivated, etc. There are several things she absolutely needs help with- grocery shopping, dr visits, picking up meds, and veterinary visits for her pet.
She is now stating she cannot get through a 12 hour period without someone checking on her, I think due to the fact I'm very busy and have been out of town for a few days at a time lately.
Her absolutey frantic efforts to keep me here 100% of the time smacks of a personality disorder. I believe more and more she has borderline or narcissistic traits, I know she won't ever be cured of this,
Is there a way any of you have successfully dealt with such a serious issue?
I'm not expecting many solutions, just, this is crazy making...
OK thank you all for any thoughts
Let her pout when she id ticked off that you did not jump when she wanted you to. Do not degrade yourself by looking through her trash to see if she has eaten.
When she does get in touch again, remind her how well she did by herself the week she refused to talk to you.
It does not matter that she wants you at her beck and call, you are not available. Block her number when you are away. If she has an emergency she can call 911.
I'm sure it is crazy-making - very stressful, very frustrating. But... such a serious issue? What you have is an 80 year old lady with cancer afraid to be on her own for long periods of time (12 hours is a long time to be your own company if you're ill, old, anxious and depressed). The fly in the ointment is that currently "on her own" means not joined at the hip to you. But as you say reintroducing the people she was happy with before should solve this, wouldn't it be worth nudging things along a bit?
She insists she cannot afford it. She most certainly can.
I have a life. I sometimes go on work trips. I sometimes go on short vacations with my partner.
I have given up a lot to sit here onsite with my Mom.
It is this, or an assisted living facility.
If she had even an on call $35/hr assistant 3 hours per week this problem would likely disappear.
She is absolutely either npd or bpd, to which degree etc. might be debated, what cant be debated is her insistence I stay in her immediate orbit or else consequences will be paid. She frantically tries to keep me from work trips, vacations etc.
Then, she sometimes wont talk to me for a week, the only way I know she's fine is by looking at the garbage can and what she's put in it, or by her picking up the mail I leave on her desk.
She will avoid me for some unknown reason.
Your mother's behavior is very common in elderly people. Often it comes from a belief that if they can control the lives of the people around them then nothing will change and those people will care for and serve them until they finally die. Of course everyone knows this isn't true.
I've had many encounters with elders who act like they have less independence than they actually do. Yet they will get very upset when you treat them like they have no independence.
Here's how to handle a case like your mother.
Tell her if she no longer possesses the mental faculties to be alone for a day or two it is unsafe for her to continue living in her own home. Make it known that you cannot go there twice a day or even every day to see her so unless she's willing to accept outside homecare help, you will find a care facility for her to be placed in.
I guarantee you she will no longer need to be checked on so frequently. Whatever you do, DO NOT start doing more. Don't be a monkey on a string to her who jumps at every demand. Otherwise you will become a nanny-slave.
Your mother's behavior is very common in elderly people. Often it comes from a belief that if they can control the lives of the people around them then nothing will change and those people will care for and serve them until they finally die. Of course everyone knows this isn't true.
I've had many encounters with elders who act like they have less independence than they actually do. Yet they will get very upset when you treat them like they have no independence.
Here's how to handle a case like your mother.
Tell her if she no longer possesses the mental faculties to be alone for a day or two it is unsafe for her to continue living in her own home. Make it known that you cannot go there twice a day or even every day to see her so unless she's willing to accept outside homecare help, you will find a care facility for her to be placed in.
I guarantee you she will no longer need to be checked on so frequently.
Strategies:
1. Try not to punish or reject her for having a mental illness, if this is what is happening, or if she is a narcissist.
2. Realize that you do not have to be the one to personally meet her needs.
3. Instead of rejecting, running away, understand that she will soon tire of you if you shower her with attention, concern, and caring. (You contact her, you go see her, you require things of her). Intermittently, unexpectedly, out of the blue.
4. Never announce that you won't be available. Have you noticed that she may be more frantic, more needy when you are busy, unavailable, out of town?
5. You can arrange for: Instacart grocery delivery; a Pharmacy that delivers;
a Pet lover/advocate who can take the pet to the vet, etc.
That's all I have for now. You can adapt this for your situation however you want, whatever works for you and your Mom.
Work with her to make that happen.
However, assuming elderly people are capable of doing what you can do or should have the same mental fortitude as someone decades younger and still able to walk isn't fair. You have to put yourself in her shoes. She's feeling her mortality, she's frail, and she's scared. That's 100% normal -- not mental illness -- and that's why I get so annoyed with people tossing around "narcissism" here. Most people don't have the foggiest idea of what it actually is.
Get more help in the house. She's lonely, afraid of falling, possibly not being found for hours or dying alone, and shouldn't be left alone as long as she is. She's TELLING you that clear as day.
You are stretching yourself too thin here with too much on your plate. Let the caregiving of your mother go, or at least some of it, by getting her to agree to hire someone to come in to help her.
Not wanting to be alone for long periods of time, in and of itself, does not smack of a personality disorder as much as it does fear and anxiety. There may be other character traits that add to your assessment of your mother, I don't know. But it's a good idea to get her some additional help to let you off the hook a bit & to alleviate her anxiety about being alone.
Best of luck!
They are really difficult to dealt with by family members because of their emotional involvement. It's better to put them in special institutions with trained staff.