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The doctor is coming on Thursday to the home to do a competency evaluation. I need to tell her, but haven't yet? How do I tell her? We have tried to tell her that this was going to happen, but she won't listen. Now it is happening and I need to tell her but don't want to live with the anger for two days. Any suggestions. I am filing guardianship after the doctor signs the paperwork. I don't know why this is so hard because she has been very difficult to live with and will not let anyone come into the home. So this is what I need to do for her safety and to move forward on selling her house and taking care of the bills at the house and to do her taxes.

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I would leave out the part about her being tested for competency, spin it in the best way she will accept. Someone is coming to see how well she is getting along at home? Evaluating her needs? Verifying her insurance coverage? Doing a study of random seniors in the area?
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cwillie wrote exactly what I was going to. If the doctor wants to tell her after arriving, then at least you won't have to go through two days of anger. She might also refuse to see the doctor if she knows what's up.
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When the doctor arrives, answer the door. Doc needs to see her angry. Just bring him in, maybe she is sitting at the dining table, offer him coffee, say, Mom, the doctor is here.
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Onlyacaregiver,
So glad you are going forward to help your Mother!
This is a good thing!
Yes, hard to do, but still a good thing!
Go forward without fear and trepidation, and let us know how well the doctor handled it.
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Yeah, a random senior, Lol.
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Jessie and cwillie nailed it. If your loved one was competent then telling her the full story might be commendable. But you feel she is not competent (or you won't be going through this). Telling her more than you know she can handle just doesn't make sense.

Someone is coming to see how you are getting along here. It will be at 10:00 tomorrow morning and last about an hour.

Doing the best thing for an incompetent loved one can be extremely hard emotionally. Hang in there!
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I, too, want to give my mother advance notice of doctor appts., etc. Yet, I've come to realize that it doesn't do any good for me or my mother. She becomes angry and wants to cancel if notified in advance. If she continues to remember that the appt. is coming she remains angry. If she forgets then she gets angry when the appt. comes around and accuses me of not telling her or bullying her. It causes me stress not to tell her but not nearly at the level that telling her does. If you still feel as though you need to tell her, cwillie's suggestion about someone doing a study of random seniors in the area is a good one. I used that once and it did work temporarily.
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Well my husband told her that a doctor was coming to the house to see her tomorrow. He said she was in a great mood and he thought this was a good time to tell her, so he did. She asked him what for and he told her that she was a referral from her doctor to follow up on her and see how she is doing in the home. She asked me when I got home from work if I knew that this doctor was coming to the house and was this doctor coming to tell her that she has dementia. I said I don't think she is going to say "you have dementia", but she is going to check to see how you are doing in the home. I did tell her that this doctor specializes in geriatric medicine. She was not angry, but that could all change by tomorrow. She asked us a million times what time is she coming. She did say at one point "Well my body works, but my brain is not so good anymore". She then just walked off with her walker in backward mode. Well I will update how it goes tomorrow.

I'm the one that is stress and she appeared to be fine which was completely opposite of what has happened in the past when people came into the home. This woman has been angry 24/7 for the past eight months and the past two days she has been happy and joking around with us. I would rather her be angry and mad about this, but then again does that sound weird?
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I hope it went well today! Let us know!
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Well that part is done. Doctor came to the house and stayed over 2 hours talking to her. I will have my expert evaluation Monday. My husband told me that this morning she was very angry and told him that if the doctor tried to do a memory test on her she better only use the three words to remember and they are "sh*t", "d*mn", and could not think of a third word. Doctor came and my mom could have won an oscar for her performance. The doctor was good and she won her heart. My mom totally trusted her and cooperated through the whole evaluation and even the memory evaluation. The doctor said that she thinks my mom would be ok with guardianship if we include her in the process. So now for that step. Any advice on letting her know about the guardianship. I can try to include her but she is not going to be happy about it. I'm going to file next week. Thanks everybody for the support. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. First thing my mom ask was "who sent you here and why". The doctor said l know you had some in home therapy and your family doctor had some concerns for your abilities and wanted me to stop by to see you in the home so we can evaluate you here at home and she said " oh ok". It was that simple.
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Am I missing something? Is guardianship necessary? Won't mom sign powers of attorney? Mom sounds competent enough to assign POA's. Guardianship can be very, very expensive. Mom would have to go to court and she may tell the judge that she does not want a guardian. And that is mom's right until a court finds her incompetent.
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With guardianship, you must make annual or more frequent reports to the state as to what all of her expenses are and all your activities as guardian. POA only requires - well, your siblings can sue you if they think you have misused her money or Medicare can come after you if you hide some money. POA is a much lower stress item and only requires an atty to make the paperwork and some witnesses. Atty has to be convinced she understands what this does, gives you the ability to help her with her bills, medical forms, etc.  Make sure the atty includes the power to sell property, gift, invest, etc.

I have sold mthr's land, gifted her house, and paid her taxes with her POA. She was wandering to start with, but now is late stage 6 Alz.
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If I could have done POA I would have but she has never signed any directives at all and she will not sign ANY. So I cannot sell her house, have anybody come into the house to be with her when we work, pay her bills, do her taxes, etc. We have all the responsibility and no authority. Guardianship is the only way I can go. The doctor asked her "do you stilll write checks"? She stated oh yes with the help of my daughter. She wants to write them and she wants me to sit there and tell her how to write it. The check she wrote last week took an hour. That process is gone. I know guardianship is expensive but it's for my mom and I just have to do this. I had my brothers sign off on the waiver awhile back. So hopefully no hassles.
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Onlycaregiver, was the doctor informed of what you have been dealing with? Did he only get her side of the story? Does he understand that someone can appear pretty good for a short time? Did he observe her walking backwards?

Do you have an attorney representing you in the Guardianship matter? Did the doctor advise if his report will be provided to you before the court hearing? If the report is not what you expect, I'd get legal advice on how to contest it, how much weight it carries, and basically how to prevail in court.
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It sounds like your mom is still competent enough to make the decision that she does not want or need a guardian. This will be a battle with the court, very likely, mom will have to go to court and agree to give up her rights. Maybe if someone she trusted, not a family member, an attorney maybe, that without poa's if something happens to her that the state would assign a guardian very quickly, on an emergency basis, and that person would not be a family member. Guardians appointed by the state have to be licensed and bonded and in my area charge $120.00 an hour which would be paid for from mom's assets. She would also be assigned a conservator at the rate of $150.00 an hour in my area. Find a way to get mom to sign the poa's. Pursuing guardianship will get very expensive and the court will not grant it if mom is in opposition.
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When we had our 3! guardianship hearings, I was always on edge. If mthr was having a bad day, she would badmouth me and everyone else who was kin, and show preference for the person who had been financially abusing her. We were real sweet to her those mornings, literally, with sticky buns and jelly biscuits, and always asked for the hearings first thing on the docket so she would be in her most clear mind.
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