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Our dad was diagnosed with dementia. He currently lives with us. He recently was lost by taking an Uber and not telling me. He’s also eating spoiled food so doctor says he can no longer live alone. My sister is not ok with this and is threatening to sue. What do I need to do, if anything?

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Drop your dad off at your sister's house, and tell her he's her problem now.

And don't forget to tell her that if she puts dad in a NH you will sue her.
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Dupedwife Sep 2023
I love your reply.
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It's incredible how many people here are telling you to drop him off at your sister's house and wash your hands of him. It's almost surprising that people haven't suggested you take him behind the barn and shoot him!

There is always a solution if you take the emotional idiocy out of the conversation and get to "what's so" about the situation. It sounds to me like Dad needs more care than you are able to provide. Packing him up and sending him out to pasture may not be the best solution, and maybe that is why your sister has gone whack on you.

I want to propose something radical. Ready???

Sit your sister down and ask her, "What do you think dad needs?" Then, listen intently and let her express herself. Offer to have a brainstorming (not brainwashing) session with her. There might be lots of better alternatives, for example:

Adult daycare.
Part-time/full-time in-home Caregiver.
Live-in Caregiver.
Help from your church or religious community.
Weekends at Sis' house.
Frequent and scheduled visits with family.
Asking Dad what he wants (dementia and brain dead are not the same thing).
And maybe 20 other ideas you, your sister, or the compassionate people in this community could offer.

Or maybe, after additional consideration, your sister may agree with you...

I hope that made a difference. If it didn't, you will hate the next paragraph...

Consider that people don't get upset about things they DO NOT care about. (I am not upset about the recent anchovy shortage because I don't like anchovies.) Consider your sister is upset because she loves and cares about your father (and probably you too). If you can acknowledge her for her love and care, maybe the two of you can form a partnership that works for you, her, and OMG, maybe even your dad!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and your results...

BRAD
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waytomisery Oct 2023
Gold star , I beg to differ . I would not converse with someone threatening to sue me . It’s hard enough taking care of someone with dementia without dealing with that sort of nonsense . If OP is to converse with anyone it should be an elder care attorney .

OP is trying to get his Dad safely placed . If sister doesn’t like that and wants Dad to have in home caregivers then she should offer to take Dad and arrange that . Threatening to sue does not start the conversation . Don’t put this on OP . Maybe the sister is just a whacko in general or perhaps she is looking to preserve inheritance .

Threatening to sue over this is ridiculous and to me shows a huge red flag that this sister is unhinged and someone I would not bend over backwards for as you are suggesting , nor do I think anything good would come from a conversation with her . I would not trust being alone with her either , who knows what lies she would come up with .

The fact that so many have answered similar goes to show how often this happens when the ones NOT giving the care are unreasonable .
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What is your sister going to sue you for? Looking out for your father’s best interest? What a jerk. She has no right to dictate what you need to be doing for her. The priority is what is best for your dad.

She sees she might lose her inheritance since he will need to pay for his care. That is what this boils down to.
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lkdrymom Sep 2023
Just what I was going to say. Sue for what? Responsibly assessing your fathers care?
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Your sister is an idiot. Just ignore her and do what's best for dad.
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Here's what you do NOT do. Do NOT resign your job (assuming you have one) to keep an eye on your father 24/7. It looks like you think it's time to place your father in a facility. Do you have POA/HCPOA?

Does your sister have the money to actually sue you? A lot of people threaten to sue, but then never follow through, because they think an attorney will do it on contingency. This doesn't sound like an attorney would take the case on contingency.

If your sister doesn't want your father in a facility, then it's HER turn to take him in. What does she say about that?
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BMartinez Sep 2023
Exactly what I told her, but she conveniently refuses to take him. Yes unfortunately she does have the money to sue. I am poa and feel it’s time for a home. I’m guessing I need to get this in writing from the doctor
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Since your sister is a jerk …. I’d be more worried your sister could sue if something happens to Dad while he’s living at your home under your watch . She could claim you didn’t keep a close enough eye on him and he was a vulnerable elder that you did not keep safe . Get Dad in a facility ASAP .
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Laugh at your sister. Seriously. Her threats have nothing behind them. Put your father where he will be safe, you are not responsible to give up your life and stay with him 24/7
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I hope you have POA.
I would not even tell your sister anything anymore . Wait until Dad is already in a facility and send her a post card FROM DAD announcing the address of his new home .
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DrBenshir Oct 2023
Or not. BMartinez can see if sister calls or writes to Dad.
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You can't be sued over such a thing. There's no neglect or abuse. You're the PoA. She hasn't lifted a finger to help. Plus, attorneys cost money and they like to take winnable cases and your sister has no evidence, no case, nada.

What she could do is attempt to get legal guardianship for your Father ($10K or more). If she does that, then resign your PoA and let him go live with her and then do not offer any help unless it's to move him to a facility.

If you wish to shut her up you can point out that, as the PoA, you may need to protect your Father and caregivers from toxic people. You have the ability to block her number, block her from visiting or maybe even get a restraining order against her. Turn the tables on her and see what she has to say about it then. But, don't make any threats that you aren't willing and able to carry out.

Also, read your PoA doc to see how to activate your authority if you haven't already done this. It may require 1 or more medical diagnsosis of cognitive impairment. Do this asap.
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B, you are on the right track in enlisting the help of his doctor. Get it in writing, keep the document safe, and if I were you, I would cease communicating with sister about dad's health. Any records, keep them locked up somewhere. None of that is her business.

When my dad assigned me POA, Rude Aunt said that if I tried to have him ruled incompetent, she'd see me in court. He wasn't incompetent or even approaching it. The thought had never entered my mind. But she WAS threatening me - over nothing. That was the day I knew she'd continue to make trouble if she could. She wanted to be his POA. She never would admit that he was dying, and she continued to be a problem after he died. When I was executor of his estate, she actually did take me to court over mishandling the estate, which wasn't true. Dad's estate lawyer was well-versed in estate law, and I did nothing without running it by him first. The judge threw Rude Aunt's complaint out of court, but it cost the estate thousands to defend against her.

The reason that I'm mentioning the above about Rude Aunt is that I thanked my lucky stars that once she started yapping about taking me to court, I didn't share with her any details of Dad's medical condition, business dealings, etc. It made her angrier, but also she had no fuel for the fire she was trying to light.

Keep sister out of the loop from now on, and good luck with placing your dad.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2023
As POA your weren't suppose to tell anyone anyone about Dads finances or health condition. Was Aunt in the Will? Because I thought only beneficiaries could contest. Also, should have asked the judge to have her payback the estate when she lost.
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