Our dad was diagnosed with dementia. He currently lives with us. He recently was lost by taking an Uber and not telling me. He’s also eating spoiled food so doctor says he can no longer live alone. My sister is not ok with this and is threatening to sue. What do I need to do, if anything?
Seriously, she needs to have a sit down with you to discuss the end of wants and the beginning of needs, beginning with safety. I am impressed he got himself an Uber. We are so thankful my mom never touched a computer ever and couldn't handle a cell phone.
OP states " He currently lives with us". I took that as OP recently took Dad in, until OP placed him in a facility , because the doctor said he can't live alone.
OP states , He was recently lost taking an Uber..... "He's also eating spoiled food so the doctor says he can no longer live alone." This would make more sense if it read "He was also eating spoiled food so the doctor says he can no longer live alone. "
It's possible auto correct changed " He was" to "He's". I have had that happen frequently.
When it was suggested in an answer , that sister take care of Dad.......OP replied with ...."Exactly what I told her, but she conveniently refuses to take him. Yes unfortunately she does have the money to sue. I am poa and feel it’s time for a home. I’m guessing I need to get this in writing from the doctor "
I could be wrong but this made me think sis did not want him in a home, ( possibly to preserve inheritance).
I wasn't seeing the possibility that My2cents saw. But it is confusing, so it could be . More details from OP would help.
More of the story may help.
You are your father's POA. It is your decision and yours alone as to whether or not his home is with you or in a lovely facility.
Either way , OP replied on this thread that the sister is not willing to take in or care for the father . She can not force OP to continue living with the Dad either . And the Dad is not safe home alone .
Take a deep breath. What is it YOU need help with to take care of dad. What does your sister want. Put it all down on paper. Look at the costs to do this. REMEMBER you both need to remain the loving daughters to him, and get help to do the things that a caretaker can do. It is a long road. The two of you need to support each other more now than ever. There are more decisions ahead that will get harder. Do this together!!!
If there's a solution for that, put it in effect. If it came from trash, lock the trash can. If he's storing food in his room. Check his room daily. In the refrigerator?
At any rate, you might be able to put measures in place for his safety. Sitter for dad? Air tag in his shoes?
If you desire, Dad my be able to stay with you, with intervention.
Best wishes,
Chickie
Also, how did dad get spoiled food? Surely you don't keep spoiled food on hand, so I ask -- Is he hiding food in his room?
I'm not sure your sister could find a lawyer that would take this lawsuit. I suspect any lawyer she went to would advise that some reasonable conversations need to occur before legal steps are taken.
If there's no money involved and sister just trying to make you keep him in your home, his condition states other needs that you can't or won't accommodate any longer. If sister can be with him all day, she could come to your house and sit with him or move him to her house. If no one can keep eyes on him all the time, he needs facility care for his own safety.
2. Speak with an Elder Law Attorney about the situation and family dynamics. An initial consult should be perhaps gratis. And, though there may be fee involved, it may save you financially, and in many other ways.
3. This is about the " safety" of an aging person diagnosed with dementia and, from his PCP orders that " he not live alone". You may in fact need a lawyer to set straight your sister or anyone else fighting the father's potential placement in a facility .
4. You may benefit from having a Geriatric Case Manager ( usually an licensed social worker) assigned to your father to help you also navigate his needs, options for safety and care based on PCP " assessment of level of care needs".
5. Practice good self care for your own well being.
There is always a solution if you take the emotional idiocy out of the conversation and get to "what's so" about the situation. It sounds to me like Dad needs more care than you are able to provide. Packing him up and sending him out to pasture may not be the best solution, and maybe that is why your sister has gone whack on you.
I want to propose something radical. Ready???
Sit your sister down and ask her, "What do you think dad needs?" Then, listen intently and let her express herself. Offer to have a brainstorming (not brainwashing) session with her. There might be lots of better alternatives, for example:
Adult daycare.
Part-time/full-time in-home Caregiver.
Live-in Caregiver.
Help from your church or religious community.
Weekends at Sis' house.
Frequent and scheduled visits with family.
Asking Dad what he wants (dementia and brain dead are not the same thing).
And maybe 20 other ideas you, your sister, or the compassionate people in this community could offer.
Or maybe, after additional consideration, your sister may agree with you...
I hope that made a difference. If it didn't, you will hate the next paragraph...
Consider that people don't get upset about things they DO NOT care about. (I am not upset about the recent anchovy shortage because I don't like anchovies.) Consider your sister is upset because she loves and cares about your father (and probably you too). If you can acknowledge her for her love and care, maybe the two of you can form a partnership that works for you, her, and OMG, maybe even your dad!
I'd love to hear your thoughts and your results...
BRAD
OP is trying to get his Dad safely placed . If sister doesn’t like that and wants Dad to have in home caregivers then she should offer to take Dad and arrange that . Threatening to sue does not start the conversation . Don’t put this on OP . Maybe the sister is just a whacko in general or perhaps she is looking to preserve inheritance .
Threatening to sue over this is ridiculous and to me shows a huge red flag that this sister is unhinged and someone I would not bend over backwards for as you are suggesting , nor do I think anything good would come from a conversation with her . I would not trust being alone with her either , who knows what lies she would come up with .
The fact that so many have answered similar goes to show how often this happens when the ones NOT giving the care are unreasonable .
Someone could potentially be sued for NOT providing proper care, whether it's in a private residence or a nursing home, but the act of placing someone in a licensed nursing home cannot be grounds for proving damages. Especially since you would have met the burden of your responsibility by doing so....
You can safely ignore her threat. She’d just be wasting her money, even if she can find a lawyer to take her BS case. IF she has any sort of grounds for a suit (hint: she doesn’t) a judge would throw her out of the courtroom on her ear.
Before your Dad gets worse, make sure all his paperwork is in order, especially the POAs, POLST, Medical Directives, bank accounts, investment accounts. If you were planning on moving him to an MC unit, make sure he is up-to-date on his vaccinations and any other things that have to be done before he can be moved into managed care.
I suspect your sister is going whacky because she has heard all the horrible stories of managed care, and she sees her inheritance being used to pay for this care. On the more civil side, she might be going whacky because she isn't aware of how bad off your Dad is.
Find out who has POA, and if it is you, then do what you think is best for your Dad (however, do NOT take him into your home, even if it is temporary.)
...and .... enlist the aid of an elder attorney, especially if you think you will have to sell his residence in order to pay for his care. If your sister and you have reasonably good relations, other than this bump, then I suggest that you invite her to the discussions with the attorney.
If your Dad is unprepared or just a little prepared for all of this, the "fun" is just beginning.
If you are the one that is legally responsible for his safety then you can do what you have to do in order to keep him safe.
If no one is POA then you may have to obtain Guardianship.
If your sister fights this and she petitions for Guardianship the Court will want to know that he will be taken care of and will be safe. If your sister agrees to take him into her home and care for him then caring for him becomes her responsibility.
If she can not care for him and you can no longer SAFELY care for him then placing him in a facility that will meet his level of care needs is the only safe option.
To "sue you" would accomplish nothing. I doubt any lawyer would take a case like this.
Make sure you have everything documented that the doctor has said he can not live alone.
If you can not care for him safely make sure that you are able to indicate why you can not safely care for him. (you may never need this but it is always better to have every thing you need documented.)
Seriously! If she continues in this rant, simply pack his stuff and him and take him to her house.
Why do people think they can sue somebody else over well, pretty much ANYTHING?
No lawyer would take this case, BTW. It's beyond ridiculous.