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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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When I read what others are going through here, my mind races back to when my (beloved) mother was here. I felt the same way too, and when she didn't want to co-operate with me, I felt helpless. The time came when she could no longer stay 'at home' and I have to say that her attitude really improved (for the most part) once she was in the nursing home. She seemed to be more engaged with others (even if it was bossing them around), and HAPPY to see family members, even if she couldn't get the names right.
I would encourage you to have her medications reviewed, as many of the 'recommended' meds for dementia (or Alzheimer's) tend to produce an OPPOSITE effect after prolonged uses. I found my mothers mood was BETTER once she was off her meds! Please talk to their doctor and see if this is what is going on.
NAEHKE: Why not try to get Mom involved in a 'senior center (day care). So many times the interaction will provide them with a 'reason to live'. My heart just breaks to read these 'posts' sometimes, and a flood of memories come back to similar situations when my mother was alive. Some of the problems are related to the dementia itself.
I had to get VERY creative to keep mom interested in life. Children and pets seemed to interest Mom most.
God bless all of you still on this journey. It isn't easier after they are gone, I just sit sometimes and think of all I 'could have' or 'should have done to make life better for Mom while she was here.
I had to stop in the genuine sense of caring...I kept the duty alive, and the sense of necessity to take care of my parents...and am available if they need me again...I've had my 'teeth kicked in' by my mother who is, frankly, lost it. She thinks I am jealous of the brother who does nothing to help; she says I pour poison in all my actions because I take charge; she says I should not report to her doctors or nursing home staff the things she is hysterical about because she doesn't think I should be in charge (she literally is demented). She cannot recall any facts, has no sense of reality. My heart has slowly shifted from loving my Mom to feeling I LOVED my Mom and she is gone and I now take care of, in all aspects, a stranger. If a stranger treated me the way my mother does now, I'd leave the circumstance. BUT she is my mother; she was a GOOD mom/mommy/mother and friend. But that is gone. The caring is gone but for wanting to do the daughter's duty...and from my standpoint, that helps me NOT be mean, but manage with respect and duty and integrity for how it really is. So...I'm with you, I'd like to run away often...but I also bet it's not in your make-up either. But you can run away by getting your mental stage in line with the new reality of who you are now caring for...NOT the same as the Mom you used to know. And cry when you have to. It's necessary and healing.
I think many of these marriages where the couple cannot get away or one spouse will not stand up to their abusive parent's stuff or will not make their mate feel abandoned as if they are no longer married are heading straight for divorce court at some point. There must be solutions somewhere to keep this story from being repeated so often like I read here. It's really bad when the other person is someone's mom, at least emotionally speaking.
Tell the person you're caring for exactly how you feel...start a conversation. You might be surprised at how they too feel about being a burden to you and hopefully will thank you for all you do for them.
My mother is 83 and has dementia. It is not so much her mind that is a problem. She does not want to live and tells me this every day. She dosen't want to eat, bath, brush her teeth or anything that might help me out a little. I have to make her do everything that has to be done. I have not been anywhere in over 2 years. I can't even go to the store unless my husband is home. My husband and I can not go anywhere together. I get no help from my sister, and we cannot afford to pay someone to stay with her. Does anyone else have this same problem. Sometimes I just feel like running away.
Yes!! I give and give and give and get no encouragement from my 83 year old mother. My "caring" attitude is beginning to slip and I do things because they "have" to be done. These feelings make me feel guilty, but right now that is just the way it is.
Be sure to work on getting away from your parent and get time for yourself and your spouse. After three years of not getting away at all, we finally called a sitter. It helps so much. Mother isn't happy, (she's not happy if we are there are not there!!) but I know for 3-4 hours, we can be away from her, her watchful eyes, and she is in good hands. We just don't do it enough because it costs money for the sitter. It is so worth it, though.
yes, i too get the not careing feeling, you are not off the track, and i commend you for recoznizing your feelings. helps me to do a day, by day existance. maybe do something for someone else that will say thankyou. ex. yesterday i made fried apple pies and shared some with the early morning customers where i use to work. hugs to you , firstgirl
Read along on agingcare.com and you'll see questions and articles that show that you aren't alone with this feeling.It sounds as though you are ready for some outside help, whether it's in-home care, assisted living, adult day care or any other resource. Caregivers get burned out. It's common and unhealthy for you and for your care receiver. Please look at options to get some help. You can go to your state's Web site and type in "aging." You'll find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. They should be able to help you with some resources. Carol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I would encourage you to have her medications reviewed, as many of the 'recommended' meds for dementia (or Alzheimer's) tend to produce an OPPOSITE effect after prolonged uses. I found my mothers mood was BETTER once she was off her meds! Please talk to their doctor and see if this is what is going on.
NAEHKE: Why not try to get Mom involved in a 'senior center (day care). So many times the interaction will provide them with a 'reason to live'. My heart just breaks to read these 'posts' sometimes, and a flood of memories come back to similar situations when my mother was alive. Some of the problems are related to the dementia itself.
I had to get VERY creative to keep mom interested in life. Children and pets seemed to interest Mom most.
God bless all of you still on this journey. It isn't easier after they are gone, I just sit sometimes and think of all I 'could have' or 'should have done to make life better for Mom while she was here.
I get no help from my sister, and we cannot afford to pay someone to stay with her. Does anyone else have this same problem. Sometimes I just feel like running away.
Be sure to work on getting away from your parent and get time for yourself and your spouse. After three years of not getting away at all, we finally called a sitter. It helps so much. Mother isn't happy, (she's not happy if we are there are not there!!) but I know for 3-4 hours, we can be away from her, her watchful eyes, and she is in good hands. We just don't do it enough because it costs money for the sitter. It is so worth it, though.
God bless you.
Carol