“How can I stop my mother from controlling me and taking over my life? Many answers are from people who seem to have lovely mothers. This answer is for people who have controlling mothers: You can stop her by taking control of your own life. Depend on her for nothing. If you are financially independent, she can’t hang money over your head. If you don’t care about her opinion, she can’t hurt you with her judgement. The more independent you are, the less she has to control you with. Give her no ammunition to use against you. Don’t ask her for help with anything. If she realizes she can’t control you directly, she may send others as emissaries. Ignore them. Remain neutral. Do not explain anything to them, send them back to her with nothing to report. If she has no respect for boundaries, you must set them and then keep them. Next step, if those boundaries are ignored, restrict contact or go no-contact for a time. Next step, move away. Last step. No contact at all. Make decisions based on what’s best for you, not her. Be good. Be happy. Don’t rely on a controlling mother for happiness. That, you must find elsewhere. Good luck. You can do it. Lots of us have.”
I’m trying again on a different place for aunt to live. Could you take her on one of the guided tours of AL, see if she likes it. You can make some excuse for the guided tour – eg you have been asked to check it out for a friend, and her opinion would really help as well. If it makes her think, tell her that she will be able to visit the house she loves as often as she wants to, but she will also be able to have time away and new things to do.It might help – you can’t know until you try!
Yes, it happens. Best wishes. You can change your legal name & keep the new name secret. It does help. And don't share personal info with her. Keep your workplace and address secret. That has worked for me. I don't think you are obligated to help her anymore. When my mom reaches that stage, I don't plan to.
Soun, since mom thinks YOU'RE evil, consider telling her to sit down and shut up while you are tending Aunt.
If you are going to subject yourself to her, you might as well stop being nice to her. Don't yell, don't cuss, just "get out of my sight while I help".
When this crisis is over, I would consder calling Adult Protective Services and telling them about your mother's false accusations against you. And the presence of your kind aunt, about whom you worry in the face of this hag.
There's only one sure way to figure out if she's an evil witch. Go old school on her. Throw her into a lake. If she floats, she's a witch, if she drowns she wasn't one.
I’m wondering what it’s like for your aunt living with your unpleasant mother. Does aunt get off scot-free from the regular abuse? Most very unpleasant people pick on the closest to abuse, and that would usually include aunt. Aunt may have a very different relationship, she may be a door-mat appeaser herself, or she may want to stay in the house in spite of unpleasantness.
Has aunt considered a very nice AL? You say that there is plenty of money, so she would have that option. You could see her separately, and leave your mother to sort out care her own way. Aunt may never have thought about ‘leaving home’. However if mother continues down the line of accusations against you, you may find it almost impossible to visit aunt. Perhaps you could take just her out to lunch and talk about it.
Advice from the internet, on how to deal with mean/evil mothers:
“There is no pleasing women who are unhappy with themselves. Or anyone for that matter. Accept that they’re unhappy and it’s in their core. It has nothing to do with daughter or MIL/DIL. This is who they are and you’re an easy target for their drama loving ***. So let it go by accepting this is who they are and don’t care too much of the opinions of someone you have no interest in becoming.”
Since my mom intentionally said lies about me to others (like I stole money from her), I was advised to speak to a lawyer. My mom might invent other allegations. (Indeed, meanwhile she told others that I’m mean towards her and my aunt; and that I’m BRAINWASHING my aunt).
I’ve been advised, my aunt should talk to the lawyer too, to back me up. To show it’s not true. So that’s what we did. Together, we spoke to the lawyer.
Crazy that I must protect myself legally against my mom. But things can always get ugly in the future, since she keeps lying about me.
She changes every sentence I say. “My daughter said…” And I never said that. For example, “My daughter said I’m the worst person in the world.” Then she pretends to cry, especially if there’s a caregiver nearby to watch the performance. ”My daughter stops me from going to the bathroom.” I never did. Etc.
My sister-in-law is a verbally and emotionally abusive narcissist with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcoholism, benzodiazepine addiction, and maybe on the autism /Asperger's spectrum. She was abusive to her sons when they were children, and my brother stayed with her and made excuses for her. She has been on dozens of psychiatric medications over the decades, but nothing seems to change the fact that in her perception of reality, other people just don't exist, except as audience members or servants for her. In layman's terms, yeah, she's evil. Over the past 10 years, she has been developing severe medical problems. She is now at the point where my brother must help her up from couch to toilet, wipe her butt, bathe her, and of course every other task related to her care and every other household chore, while he still works full-time. This woman emotionally crippled her sons with her abuse, and my brother will probably never know what's it's like to be in a mutual relationship with a kind, sane person. Now she has been diagnosed with a very severe medical condition; possibly she's had the condition for many years already. Maybe the condition is partly to blame for why she became such a terrible person. But having seen what damage she's done to people I love, I don't have much sympathy for her. When she was waiting for test results for the recent diagnosis, she said if test results were positive, she was going to a state with legal assisted suicide and kill herself. I thought, "Why do you have to wait for the test results?" I just try to be grateful that everyone else has somehow survived her pathology, and interact with her as little as possible.
I’d like to do the same. I’ll try. But it’s difficult. I don’t want to break contact with my aunt. Phone calls are also not private, since it’s on speaker phone.
I continue to think about your question. I really think some mothers aren’t just mean, they’re evil, towards their daughter or DIL.
I’m helping my dear aunt right now. (She had a medical crisis last night. She’s ok now.). My mean mom lives with my aunt. If I want to spend time with my aunt, I must spend time with my mean mom, because they’re in the same house.
I also realize I have totally different values from my mom. I never thought that before.
My mom has just passed, and while she could be a little 'biting' and chose her favorites, she was NEVER mean.
My MIL, on the other hand, straight from the bowels of hell. Mean when I first met her (before I had met my DH) and meaner every year that passes. As 90% of the 'hate' is directed at ME, it's kind of hard to explain to people, so I just don't.
Haven't spoken to nor seen her in 2 years, Of course, DH thinks I am supposed to be the bigger person and just keep forgiving her for her nastiness. I. Just. Can't.
Maybe if I were a better person, but right now, nope.
I did point out to my DH (at mother's funeral a month ago) that HE has not seen MY mother in over 3 years. And I was hassling him about visiting and being a better person. Maybe the difference is, my mom loved my DH whereas I KNOW beyond a doubt that my MIL wishes I would die. Preferably yesterday.
I hated mine as long as I can remember, childhood was a doozy. But I realized she was actually evil the time she had called and left me several minutes long crying/shrieking voicemails that she was in so much pain she didn't know what to do. I immediately called back and no answer, and after a few messages on the answering machine begging her to press her emergency pendant if she could hear me I went ahead and called a friend from my hometown and 911.
My friend put me on speakerphone when she got there, right after the police arrived, and you should have heard the HILARIOUS LAUGHTER (actual witch cackling). After leaving me those messages she had gotten bored and went next door to hang out with a neighbor. Then they all came back to my moms house and were drinking a glass of wine together. Thought it was the absolute funniest thing ever that I had called 911. Never occurred to her to follow up and let me know she was fine. She "hadn't thought" to check her answering machine and hear MY desperate messages.
Anyway that was the last time I fell for one of her phony emergencies and I remind myself of her absolute evil whenever I find myself feeling sorry for her.
My mother had been verbally and physically abusive to me and my siblings when we were children. Pure evil. My father chose to ignore what was going on. I really think if she seriously hurt one of us my father would have taken steps to help cover it up. My mother hasn’t changed, she’s the same person she was back then. What has changed is we now have help coming in in the mornings and afternoons and that has allowed my siblings and me to get some distance again.
Me. I am fed up with her horrible behaviors. Pure evil. Trying my best to be good to myself & tune her out my mind outside of when I phone her daily or go up twice a month. She was terrible to my Dad and to everyone in our family.. Sure is confusing....
I don't know that I would go all the way to "evil" when describing my FIL....but I could probably get close. A man who was physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive of his children now expects and depends on them to take care of him 100%..and yet he can't find a single word of appreciation or stop being verbally, mentally or emotionally abusive even when they are taking care of him. He is a toxic narcissist and I would never choose to be in the same room with him if it weren't for my husband. I hate that my dh and his sister thought that their father was a "normal" father and even worse I hate how sad they both were when they realized he wasn't normal. They both deserved so much more. All people who have parents like that deserve more.
I do. And I was looking through old posts right now, searching for the word “evil”, to see whether others have been in this position. I see there are many posts about “evil” elderly mothers.
Some victims have the following religious attitude: “God is my witness. I know all the good things I’ve done for her. God sees how cruelly she treats me.”
I haven’t figured out what attitude I want. I send you empathy. My Mom is definitely sometimes evil. And she’s really enjoying her elderly position, of playing “poor me”, while in reality being the one who’s torturing her daughter.
I recently found someone to replace me, so I can be more out of the picture.
So, how could this have been resolved if YOU did not come running?
Did Aunt contact you? Would calling 911 have been a suitable response?
Are you indispensable to Aunt?
She is making a choice. She knows that exposing you to your mom is damaging and toxic. HER behavior exposes you to a stressor.
Figure out how to get Aunt's needs met WITHOUT your being present in the house.
AND find a therapist.
“How can I stop my mother from controlling me and taking over my life?
Many answers are from people who seem to have lovely mothers. This answer is for people who have controlling mothers:
You can stop her by taking control of your own life. Depend on her for nothing.
If you are financially independent, she can’t hang money over your head.
If you don’t care about her opinion, she can’t hurt you with her judgement.
The more independent you are, the less she has to control you with. Give her no ammunition to use against you. Don’t ask her for help with anything.
If she realizes she can’t control you directly, she may send others as emissaries. Ignore them. Remain neutral. Do not explain anything to them, send them back to her with nothing to report.
If she has no respect for boundaries, you must set them and then keep them.
Next step, if those boundaries are ignored, restrict contact or go no-contact for a time.
Next step, move away.
Last step. No contact at all.
Make decisions based on what’s best for you, not her. Be good. Be happy. Don’t rely on a controlling mother for happiness. That, you must find elsewhere. Good luck. You can do it. Lots of us have.”
If you are going to subject yourself to her, you might as well stop being nice to her. Don't yell, don't cuss, just "get out of my sight while I help".
When this crisis is over, I would consder calling Adult Protective Services and telling them about your mother's false accusations against you. And the presence of your kind aunt, about whom you worry in the face of this hag.
At least you'll know!
I’m here helping my aunt right now with her medical crisis. I’m about to see the “witch” again.
The only way to get out of this is to walk away. But I prefer not to walk away from my aunt.
Has aunt considered a very nice AL? You say that there is plenty of money, so she would have that option. You could see her separately, and leave your mother to sort out care her own way. Aunt may never have thought about ‘leaving home’. However if mother continues down the line of accusations against you, you may find it almost impossible to visit aunt. Perhaps you could take just her out to lunch and talk about it.
That’s right.
(I also thought of ways to separate them. But they want to live in the house.)
“There is no pleasing women who are unhappy with themselves. Or anyone for that matter. Accept that they’re unhappy and it’s in their core. It has nothing to do with daughter or MIL/DIL. This is who they are and you’re an easy target for their drama loving ***. So let it go by accepting this is who they are and don’t care too much of the opinions of someone you have no interest in becoming.”
“Life is a roll of the dice and you got the crap Mum in yours. Don’t let it steal the rest of the life you are given.”
I’ve been advised, my aunt should talk to the lawyer too, to back me up. To show it’s not true. So that’s what we did. Together, we spoke to the lawyer.
Crazy that I must protect myself legally against my mom. But things can always get ugly in the future, since she keeps lying about me.
She changes every sentence I say. “My daughter said…” And I never said that. For example, “My daughter said I’m the worst person in the world.” Then she pretends to cry, especially if there’s a caregiver nearby to watch the performance. ”My daughter stops me from going to the bathroom.” I never did. Etc.
“and interact with her as little as possible.”
I’d like to do the same. I’ll try. But it’s difficult. I don’t want to break contact with my aunt. Phone calls are also not private, since it’s on speaker phone.
How do you beat evil?
I continue to think about your question. I really think some mothers aren’t just mean, they’re evil, towards their daughter or DIL.
I’m helping my dear aunt right now. (She had a medical crisis last night. She’s ok now.). My mean mom lives with my aunt. If I want to spend time with my aunt, I must spend time with my mean mom, because they’re in the same house.
I also realize I have totally different values from my mom. I never thought that before.
My mom is evil.
My MIL, on the other hand, straight from the bowels of hell. Mean when I first met her (before I had met my DH) and meaner every year that passes. As 90% of the 'hate' is directed at ME, it's kind of hard to explain to people, so I just don't.
Haven't spoken to nor seen her in 2 years, Of course, DH thinks I am supposed to be the bigger person and just keep forgiving her for her nastiness. I. Just. Can't.
Maybe if I were a better person, but right now, nope.
I did point out to my DH (at mother's funeral a month ago) that HE has not seen MY mother in over 3 years. And I was hassling him about visiting and being a better person. Maybe the difference is, my mom loved my DH whereas I KNOW beyond a doubt that my MIL wishes I would die. Preferably yesterday.
My friend put me on speakerphone when she got there, right after the police arrived, and you should have heard the HILARIOUS LAUGHTER (actual witch cackling). After leaving me those messages she had gotten bored and went next door to hang out with a neighbor. Then they all came back to my moms house and were drinking a glass of wine together. Thought it was the absolute funniest thing ever that I had called 911. Never occurred to her to follow up and let me know she was fine. She "hadn't thought" to check her answering machine and hear MY desperate messages.
Anyway that was the last time I fell for one of her phony emergencies and I remind myself of her absolute evil whenever I find myself feeling sorry for her.
How do you beat evil?
I wish I knew the answer.
I do think some mothers are evil, especially towards their daughter. Probably jealous of her youth and beauty.
Much like Snow White, Cinderella…common theme. An evil older woman against a young, pretty woman.
How do you beat evil?
I hate that my dh and his sister thought that their father was a "normal" father and even worse I hate how sad they both were when they realized he wasn't normal. They both deserved so much more. All people who have parents like that deserve more.
Some victims have the following religious attitude: “God is my witness. I know all the good things I’ve done for her. God sees how cruelly she treats me.”
I haven’t figured out what attitude I want. I send you empathy. My Mom is definitely sometimes evil. And she’s really enjoying her elderly position, of playing “poor me”, while in reality being the one who’s torturing her daughter.
I recently found someone to replace me, so I can be more out of the picture.