I care for my 81 yr old mother (she doesn’t drive, needs help showering, I cook all her meals, manage her meds) who has been in our (w/my amazing husband) home for the last 2 1/2 yrs. We (hubby and I) moved 1100 miles from home (what few friends/family I had are there) to help w/hubby’s medical issues (moving here, FL, he now is now able to work). I have no friends here and now with COVID (what few visiting nurses we HAD) no one has been in my house for months. I get out only to go to the grocery store (mom comes along but if stores are swamped she stays in the car - which is most of the time) and when she has a doctors appt. I don’t want to expose myself to anyone outside my home because I doesn’t want to get sick or pass it onto my mother.
Most days I’m alright but there are times when I just feel so alone (especially when my husband goes out fishing once every six weeks or so). I feel like some days I’m absolutely going stark raving mad. Anyone have any ideas or thoughts on what I could do before I lose it?
Make a list of things she can do for herself, then sit down with her and explain that you want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible. Then tell her, she will need to help herself out as much as possible to do that. So anything she can do, then she will need to do for herself. This keeps her active, alert and helpful to herself and you.
My Mom couldn't cook on the burner or oven without possible risk of leaving stove or oven on. So, I only allow her to cook on our toaster oven that has automatic cut off or microwave. With dinners, I ask her to cut things up for meal prep or wash vegtables or fruit. She sets the table and she clears dishes and puts them in dishwasher. If she's able, she washes the dishes.
She was able to bring me her laundry but couldn't reach deep into my washer to change over the clothes but once they were dried, I would bring all the clothes to her bed and she folded it all and put it away.
Bathtubs and toilets were hard to clean but she kept her sink area cleaned and spot cleaned her toilet each day, making it easier for me.
She will sweep the floor and sometimes vacuum.
We got her a TV for her room with her recliner so she can watch whatever she wants as LOUD as she wants.
During the day, she reads, does puzzles, talks on the phone or helps out with different things.
We give each other space. When I want or need to go out, I let her know where I'll be and when I'll be home. She has my number on her cell phone and can call it there is an emergency. She also wears a Medic Alert necklace for falls. If it's during meals times, I leave a meal prepared for her. Now, that she's home, I meal prep 20 or so individual meals for 2 weeks or more at a time, where it has chicken, pork, meat, and 2 vegetables with it to microwave. I stock her up weekly on cereal, yogurt, cottage cheese, salad items, vegetables, bread, lunch meat, cheeses, soups, etc. to make breakfast and lunch. I also spent time trying new recipes in her microwave or toaster (we disabled her stove). She can now make omelets, eggs, baked potatoes or sweet potatoes, fresh salmon or fish without the stove.
So GO GO GO GO GO out. Go fishing with your husband. Find a church to attend or a small Bible Study Group to socialize with. Or a group that meets weekly for a hobby. Many things you can still do with social distancing. Order takeout food from a restaurant and bring it home.
Once a week or twice, set nights that you let your Mom know will be date nights with your husband. Ask that she eat early and enjoy time in her room while you and your husband have couple time. Then set the table for 2 and enjoy married life together. Watch a movie afterwards, or play a game or whatever. Just make sure it's just you two.
Go get your hair done.
Go get your nails done.
Go get a massage.
Go to Barnes and Noble and browse for a book.
Just get out.
If your Mom needs constant supervision, call around for Agencies that will send a Adult Babysitter for these times. Call different churches and see if they offer anything like that. Join a group where you take turns watching each others adult parents so you can have a break. Do you have family any where in the area, that can help?
With my Mom, thankfully she is kind and considerate and fully realizes the help she is given and tries to make life as easy as possible. I know many people have extremely difficult people to care for. My Grandfather and Grandmother were like that and they both had Alzheimer's. But with loving kind words but blunt words, we usually managed to try to see each other's point of view. Good Luck
My mother has a 24/7 IV line in for a constant milrinone drip. I'm really annoyed with her cardiologist because the impression I was under was this would be a 1 or 2 time per week infusion done by a visiting nurse. The day she had the PICC line put in, I found out no, it's a steady therapy and I am responsible to change the IV bag every day. It's been a week and so far I've had to deal with an occluded line (3 times) and her getting the line so tangled around her Walker she's had to hit her life alert button (twice, once st 4:30 AM). So while she's tethered to this machine, I'm tethered to her. And only one facility in my area will take her with an IV, and hospice wont pick her up while she's on this medication.
And the kick of it all, I dont think it's doing a f***ing thing for her! And I know she's just going to go along with whatever he thinks is best. So I'm going to impress upon both of them that I'm reaching the end of my rope, if this is a long term plan we're going to have to have a serious discussion on benefits vs. risks and then placement in a facility
I do not think I would be able to enjoy decent mental health without my work. I am a better daughter because of it.
Oh, how I love them. Oh, how my role grates my nerves (daily).
My suggestion is to find something you can do to carve out time that is not focused on their needs. And also get out of the house to take a walk (masks on, social distance, etc.) with your husband.
D
my husband is better now
doctors offices and rare grocery store ( masked)are my outings
I am sick as a dog for over a week and fear covid. I get tested monday.
my house is a mess and it is all i can do to get food and meds done.
NO ONE Warns you and I dunno what I can do .
I have to assume that if I die or go in to the hospital, my brother will die.
I dunno where to turn because my brother makes just a bit too much money for anything.
Phone calls to old friends really perks me up, although it is had to initiate the call because I feel like I have nothing interesting to say!
Take care of yourself. I have not and am now suffering multiple health issues, not looking good for my end years!
I know it’s tough. I have been the sole caregiver for my parents for 4 1/2 years now. My Dad passed 9 months ago and my Mom has late stage dementia. Talk about trapped! Call and ask her friends or family to call. My Mom lives talking on the phone. Let me know if any of this helps.