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I’m a sixty year-old daughter of a narcissistic mother who believes it is her children’s job to take care of her in the manner to which she was accustomed. She is still angry with us for selling her house because she thought we should be caring for her there. She has been led to think she is more important than anyone else in the family and my father buckled under her every whim.
She complains constantly despite living in a lovely $5,000/month ASL. Nothing has ever been enough for her; she is attention-seeking and will go to any length to get it.


I was just diagnosed with my second cancer and will start chemo next week. I also have an adult son with severe mental health problems and wonderful grandchildren who I choose to help with. My mother’s complaints include earaches and a sore knee.
I can guarantee that I will not be a burden to my children when/if (god willing) I reach my mother’s age of 86. I will not assume that my children will be responsible for my happiness or that they should be managing my life while I sit and complain about not being able to get my hair colored.
Is this a generational thing? Or is it simply that my mother has never been a very nice person and I resent giving her any amount of energy that I don’t even have for myself?

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I'm so sorry you are having so many difficulties. I'm sure your resentment is largely due to your mother's personality and how she has treated you.

As for being a "burden" to your children, were they not a burden to you when you devoted so much of yourself to them when they were babies and all through their childhood years? This is what families do - they care for one another. Nobody has to put up with abuse, but we are obligated, I believe, to make sure our parents are not left to die in poverty. Beyond that, it depends on the situation. It seems your mother is just fine financially.

Nobody has to listen to somebody else whine and complain all the time. If she calls, tell her you are too busy or too tired to talk. She can only make you miserable if you let her.

If I were you, I would have as little contact with mom as possible. You don't need that aggravation with all the other problems you have. Laura Schlessinger has some excellent books on how to deal with what she calls toxic relatives.

Hope things get better for you and that the cancer treatment is successful. I will pray for your healing and relief from the stress.
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Tothill Sep 2020
OkieGranny,

I wonder about this sentence "...but we are obligated, I believe, to make sure our parents are not left to die in poverty." Some of our parents have made such a mess of their personal finances through greed, mismanagement, hoarding etc. They would become a financial vampire on their children if they could.

I don't think you were referring to parents like this in your post, but for me reading that I am somehow obligated to provide financial support for someone who was never there to support me, who actively defamed my character and has neglected a trust to the tune of a few hundred thousand dollars in back taxes, maintenance and neglect, is a trigger and causes an tearful reaction.
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YES.   It takes 3 kids (but mostly me) to care for my mom.   I have one DC, my siblings have none and my former inlaws have only my DC also.  So one kid for a lot of adults.

I read about final exit and will stock pile pills.  I cannot count on DD to pull the plug
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Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear of what you are going through, and about your second cancer diagnosis. Now is the time to look after yourself and to put your own needs first. You will see from the many chats, posts and threads on this site that you are not alone in terms of your experiences with your mother. There are many of us with narcissistic parents who are living with the fall out of this in our lives. It sounds like your mother is safe and cared for in her ASL, so please take a step back right now and focus on dealing with your chemo, resting and making yourself the priority. I’m sensing you have a lot of anger towards your mum, perhaps because she is not able to be supportive to you and with your health issues. Writing from experience of my own anger towards my mother and her narcissism, I can tell you it’s a waste of energy getting resentful and wishing they were different. They will never change, so instead focus that energy positively, on yourself, as you get through the coming months. Also from my own experience I can say that it’s entirely possible that your mother may start to “act up “ and attention seek once you are getting more attention than her. You must ignore this if this happens, and focus on your own needs. You deserve some kindness and care right now. Wishing you all the very best with your chemo, and remember that there are many people on this forum who will be here to support you, if you need us.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
"Writing from experience of my own anger towards my mother and her narcissism, I can tell you it’s a waste of energy getting resentful and wishing they were different. They will never change, so instead focus that energy positively, on yourself, as you get through the coming months."

This is key! In my case, it was anger towards my brothers, who did so little to help out, before, during and since the move to MC. I did have to come to the realization that anger and resentment were NOT going to change them, AND had a negative impact on me, so I had to learn to let it go. Before getting to that point, I did start one email for each, and over time would put it away (draft folder) and then edit/add to it, until finally it was enough. I could say what I wanted in it and get it out. I never sent them, as it wouldn't change anything for the better, but would more likely make things worse, so there the drafts sit!

I mostly severed ties with OB (over 2 years, no contact), but due to mom's recent stroke, I sent info/msg so he would be informed. Took 15 hours to get back "Thanks for update". That was it. The other was needed to take her to Mac Deg appts as she wouldn't stand/walk alone, and I can't support her weight. Given her age, dementia and now stroke, I canceled future treatments, so basically once we finish up everything, I'm done with him too!

You can pick your seat, you can pick your nose, but you CAN'T pick your family!
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I still remember the day I had to sit on a bus and think (this was about a child, not a parent) "You may have to accept that ___________ may simply be not a very good person". It was freeing. Whatever the injuries or genes are that make up an individual we can all recognize that some have "more to give" than others. It is harder when they are the parent we love, the sister we depend upon, the child we raised. But it is a fact.
And yes, the generations are different. This current generation seemed "Sandwiched" between helping their parents at the same time they are supporting grown children. And I think it is doubtful that the coming up generation will have a whole lot to give their elders. It's a different world. Many of them are still paying off college loans while getting Social Security.
As the old Dylan song posited, The Times They Are A-changin. They always have been. Changing, that is.
I would caution everyone to save for yourself; you will need it. There are more and more senior living, and as this generation moves into needing care I suspect there will be ever more options, both because many jobs will be lower pay jobs in health support and because there will be more and more senior living villages and such because of the need. A guess for our dystopian world. Or, there will be more fires like those eating up my own area, and more pandemics to take us out before we become too needy. We will wait and see, shall we?
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
I'm not buying that it is generational. My mother and her sisters took turns caring for their mother. She was not really ill, no dementia, but needed a place to live, someone to watch over her (minimal), ensure she had good meals, etc. She only made it to maybe upper 70s? I know she was gone before mom & sisters retired, but my generation was mostly grown.

Mom took care of dad while he was still able to get around, but eventually he had to move to a facility. She never asked us to care for him and when much later she developed dementia, she was ADAMANT that she wouldn't move ANYWHERE, but esp not AL. She (dementia) thought she was fine and could manage on her own.

I've already told my kids that if I follow mom down the yellow brick road, find a nice place for me. Visit if you WANT to visit, otherwise, go on with your life. I had mine. Manage things for me, but otherwise, enjoy what you can in your own time!
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My dad had a firm rule of his own making that he wouldn’t allow any of us to live with him, nor him to live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I remain grateful for his wisdom. So, no, I don’t think a particular generation expects more, I think it’s individual. And I doubt future generations will be doing a lot of hands on caregiving, they’re too busy staring at their phones (apologies for stereotyping 😜) Please place first priority on your care, you’re no good to anyone of not to yourself. Wishing you the best
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
You have a very smart dad! Love the comment about the phones. It always amazes me when I see a family with mom, dad and kids eating dinner together and texting each other!
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Having watched two generations having a miserable existence I think a lot of us will decide to leave this earth when we feel we have had enough.
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Invisible Sep 2020
And then there is hope - a human condition - for a better tomorrow.
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My mom is the nicest person you would ever know, but I would not wish her or my life on anyone.  I will stock up on Oxy whatevers and plan my own final exit
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2020
Agree 100% with you on this!!
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As we get older and our freedoms diminish along with our dreams and aspirations, our world gets very small. Little things take on more significance. Cut your mother some slack and tune her out if you have other things on your mind that you feel are more important.
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MJ1929 Sep 2020
^^^This is very, very true. My father said these very words -- "My world has gotten so small" -- to me when my mother's care made it impossible for them to travel, go out to dinner, or enjoy any of the things they once enjoyed. He had lost control of life, and as he wasn't suffering from any memory loss or health issues, it was devastating for him.

I've said it time and again, but as our parents get old, they revert to more toddler-like behavior in many ways. You wouldn't begrudge a toddler your attention for a sore knee or an earache, but because it's your mother who was once an adult who could care for herself, you can't understand why she doesn't just suck it up and deal with it. Unfortunately, she can't, and that's just how it is.

I clearly remember when my relationship with my own mother shifted from mother/daughter to daughter/mother. If you haven't taken that step mentally, I think it makes it much more difficult for you to work with your mother's limitations.

You need to put your own health first, but keep in mind that she's not necessarily trying to get attention or demand she be kept in the lifestyle to which she's become accustomed, but rather she is someone with diminishing capabilities, knows she is near the end of her life, and is quite honestly afraid of what's to come as we all will be someday. Try to keep that in mind as you deal with her.

My mother is 91 and is terrified she's going to die before she gets old. She doesn't know she's already old, but she knows she's scared of dying. That's how her mind works now. She, too, vowed she wouldn't be a burden to her children. She battled with her father over hearing aids because he didn't want them, and everyone was tired of yelling not to be heard. So guess what my mother fought us on when she was losing her hearing? Yup.

I'd just say that OP needs to take care of her health first and foremost, but definitely cut her mother some slack. It's easy to look at old age from the perspective of a younger person, but the reality is very different once we arrive at that place. Be kind to your mom.
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Egads, I think your mother and my mother are twins that were separated at birth! Today I find out that she's been giving my son an earful about how she 'should be' living with ME at my house, and not in the AL where I 'put' her! Meanwhile, she's been living there since 2015 but now she's in the Memory Care annex since her dementia has progressed to a moderate level. That and she's in a wheelchair. To hear HER tell it, there is NOTHING wrong with her at ALL, she has NO memory issues whatsoever, needs NO help with ANY activities of daily life, and would be fine taking care of herself alone in my home all day long! My God, a total joke since she can't even get dressed by herself and her wheelchair would not fit thru ONE of my bathroom doors, not to mention the showers all have tubs which she wouldn't be able to even step into! She wouldn't even be able to feed herself, never mind get out of bed in the morning and to/from the toilet!

These types of women live to complain and to blame US for all their misery. My mother is soon to be 94 and hasn't had ONE day in all those years where her life has been 'enough'. My father was never 'enough', either, and she was glad when he died! Her chronic, endless complaining and misery consists of her legs hurting and here I am, going for surgery tomorrow which I haven't even bothered telling her about. What for? If it doesn't involve HER, it doesn't matter. Ain't that the truth?

My DH and I have 7 children between us; we will NOT be a burden to ANY of our children if we live long enough to get to old age, and will have enough opiates on hand to do away with ourselves if/when the time comes. Plus, Colorado is an assisted suicide state, so we're all set.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with your chemo treatments, my friend. I pray that you have a full recovery with no more cancer diagnoses ever again.
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dogparkmomma Sep 2020
My very wonderful brother in law died a little over 3 years ago from cancer. In the end, he was in pain and had moved to hospice. He did avail himself of assisted living laws in California to end it. It had involved interviews with doctors and was not an easy thing to do as it required taking a large amount of pills.

maybe 6 months later my FIL asked me how to get the same type of pills that my brother in law had taken. I must say I was shocked but I did explain that it is not legal in our state and he had been dying of cancer when those pills were taken. I told him that he could not get those pills just because he was old. He dropped it. He died 2 years later, this past May.

Several of you have mentioned stockpiling opiates so that you could end things. Might not be that easy and I am a little worried that by the time I felt ready to do it, I would not be able to initiate the action. My in-laws both died in the past year. They lived in their own home until October 2018. They probably should have moved a couple of years earlier. They lived great lives and she was 93 and he was 95. Luckily they saved their money and had enough to pay for memory care rooms for both of them. We did supervise them and visit them after moving them to our town. I would hope for something similar with less dementia. We are getting ready to move closer to our daughter. Not super close but closer than 2000. I plan to monitor our situation and take action to move if we cannot manage on our own. Not making them stress the way we did. I am a nurse and I feel like that helped me guide their process. My son is engaged to a lovely girl. Pills could be in my future as well I guess but we will see.
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First of all, I am so sorry about your situation. You know that you made the right decision regarding the care of your mom and may I say congratulations on not taking her bait.

I had unusual circumstances that caused me to allow my mom to move into our family home. She had just lost everything she owned in Hurricane Katrina. She had no flood insurance because it wasn’t required in her neighborhood. The only reason why her home had nine feet of water was because the levee broke.

Mom was emotionally devastated. So was I. I felt so badly for her that I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. It was my childhood home where I grew up.

Mom had little funds, certainly not enough for an assisted living facility like your mom lives. I didn’t consider a nursing home as an option either. I just wanted to comfort her. I had compassion because I am a charitable person at heart.

My emotions got in the way of thinking clearly. I had promised my father that I would always care for her after his death. She needed me more. She no longer drove due to her Parkinson’s. Well, you get the picture.

The dynamic of the relationship changed after she moved in with us. It didn’t start out badly but it surely ended up being a challenging and difficult experience.

All I can say is that I felt as if I lived with her instead of her living in my home with us. She had a strong desire to still be ‘mom.’ She didn’t seem to respect me as her adult daughter instead of her daughter as a child.

Anyway, periodically I would hear my daughters say to me, “Mom, we will take care of you like you are taking care of grandma.” My children adore her and she adores them. I have never interfered in their relationship.

I did not wish to take my children’s grandmother from them, nor take her grandchildren from her and they get along well.

I did tell my children though that while I appreciated their sentiments I did not want them to care for me. At first they responded with, “But we want to do it, Mom.” I said to them, “That will change if I am no longer capable of caring for myself and I never want you to feel obligated to care for me.”

So, I am breaking the cycle of family caregivers and I am totally at peace with my decision.

I am also at peace with my mom being cared for with hospice and that she is no longer in my home. I speak to her but she is nearly deaf now. Communication is difficult.

I have a hunch that the younger generation will not be as quick to decide to be caregivers as past generations. Just look at the number of assisted living facilities that have been built. It’s a huge business!
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Takincare Sep 2020
Completely agree about breaking the cycle. DH and I do not want to burden our children or grandchildren in our later years either which is why we have a life insurance policy that will pay for in home care or a very large percentage of AL. If there are funds left in policy it will revert back to the estate upon our death. It is expensive but well worth the cost in the long run to break the chain. They will be able to remain our children and advocates without the need to do the physical day to day caregiving. After caring for MIL in my home it lit a fire under our rears to clear out, pitch, declutter, donate, and organize our home. You would be surprised how much "stuff" has accumulated over the years that is completely unnecessary and just taking up space. This was also a great time to have them go thru all their "treasures" still here and get them out of the house too, just told them do it now or you'll have to deal with it later.
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This trip you mom is taking is not yor own swrtitingn

endure it....
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Harpcat Sep 2020
Uh...what was that last word????
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After caring for my Husband I decided that I was not going to "expect" any family member to care for me.
I grew up in a care-giving household. My Mom died of cancer and she was taken care of at home when possible, my grandma had cancer and my Dad took care of her while battling his own cancer. So caregiving was what was done. But I do not expect my stepdaughter or step son to help care for me, I do not expect my sister to care for me. I have also informed them of my health care wishes. I have a Will and POA selected for Health and Financial. (I should make some changes to the Will though...)
While caring for my Husband I made the decision to buy Long Term Care Insurance. Yes the payment once a year hurts! But not as much as the hurt, anger, resentment of family would.
The house I am in I bought when I knew my Husband would need a place that was accessible so I plan on "aging in place" in a house built for it.
And I have actually gone through closets, the basement and tossed stuff out or donated. I want no one to have to weed thorough my "treasures" so I am trying to cull out stuff that I really am not attached to.
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I'm sorry to hear about what is happening to you, and have a mother very similar to yours who is beyond difficult, demanding, and never happy. I help her as much as I can AND want to, and set strict boundaries that I firmly keep. She has many options but would rather complain instead and lay the guilt at my feet. However, I have learned to compartmentalize and prioritize so she doesn't overwhelm me because that's actually on me if I let her get to me. Narcissists don't change because they think the problem is you and everyone else; they don't see you as a person, rather someone who can do their bidding. I have learned to focus on what she needs to be healthy and safe, and tune out miscellaneous complaints, etc. You might gain a great deal from researching narcissism and applying some of what you learn about how to deal with such a person. Narcissists groom and manipulate certain people to react to their every need. It takes time and practice, but is worth it to be released from her hold.
Save your energy to focus on the positives in your life - your family and and whatever else gives you strength to stay as healthy as you can and to enjoy life.
I have helped with my aunts who have passed and now my mother, and my husband and I are both retired and are very active and enjoy helping with our grandchildren. When the need arises for us to get help (we're in our mid 60s), we both want to stay in our home as long as possible, get help in, and if needed, move to senior living or a smaller home.
Take care of yourself and I wish you and everyone here the best!
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I'm thinking we'll be more educated about our options, more likely to buy necessary insurances like LTC, sell large family homes and downsize, etc. Big question is how much SS and pensions will be available in 25+ years.

We'll also be more aware of the realities of IL/AL options, and not falsely think they're the same things and asylums were in the 30's.

Hopefully more people will be read up on the realities of aging, and less will count on their children as retirement options. Independent and Assisted Living doesn't scare me, as long as I have my own room and space I can be happy.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
For intelligent and educated people, what you have said will likely be true, but there are still many people who don't understand this, have their head in the sand, etc that just don't get it. Many think SS is their "golden" time, but in reality most SS isn't enough to live on, even if it is a higher amount. "The average Social Security benefit was $1,503 per month in January 2020." How far is that going to go when one retires? I had to laugh when I reported how mom's SS funds were used (I am rep payee, so yearly reports required.) I got a letter back questioning it, stating I listed food and housing only, but people have other needs and wants. Sure they do, but seriously? About $1100/m? Where do you think that goes? I told them I allocated her pension and SS to the facility (together it covers less than half of her MC fee) and funds from her saved money (trust) covers the remainder and any necessities. I doubt that $1100 would even cover rent anywhere, never mind food, utils, wants, needs, vacations. I also went on to say she is 96 (at the time, now 97), lives in MC, she's in a wheelchair, with no real hearing, losing eyesight and has dementia - where is she going on vaca, Australia???

On top of that, those who are low wage earners aren't always able to save for the future (and some just don't realize they need to!) Given the current situation (rampant unemployment), many are in jeopardy of losing whatever they did manage to set aside, using it to cover basic needs such as food and housing. Whoever is caught up in this disaster is going to be in big trouble in the future! Given "...in 2018, an analysis of Federal Reserve data put the median savings account balance among Americans at $5,200. The average, however, was $33,766.49.", even the best of those isn't going to go far!

Pensions have gone the way of the dodo bird too. When I started my last job, we still had pensions. About 5 years later, that was transitioned for new hires to having more contributed to their 401K, but how many in the lower paying jobs even take advantage of that? Additionally, many who were to retire around the time of the housing crisis saw their nice nest egg vanish!

Unless they find a fix for SS, even that isn't going to provide a less-than-basic living for anyone.
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The latter.
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probably generational. People used to take care of their family members without thinking about it. What is it like to be losing control over everything thing in your life. Even the smallest decision? There is usually a reason people do what they do. Is this your mother's way of getting assurance that she is loved and accepted? One thing I do not believe one would ever regret is to take care of their parents to the absolute best of their ability. Even if appreciation is not shown. This is also probably one of the most important things children can experience seeing others do. IT IS NOT easy, but it IS right.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
"...take care of their parents to the absolute best of their ability."

Agreed when possible, BUT this does NOT mean we have to provide the actual care, nor does it mean we have to kowtow to every whim and demand. The best of my ability is to ensure my mother is in a very nice, safe place, cared for better than I ever could do, and manage everything for her, while visiting when I can.

Even this isn't always possible. If there are no funds to cover a place, our choices are very limited. Some people cannot provide in-home care if they are still working and raising a family. Some of us are seniors ourselves and have our own physical and medical limitations. There are NO simple answers.
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I think my father's generation pretty much grew up expecting kids to help out. And that's ok except when it places undue stress on a person's own health, family, relationships or finances. Boundaries are important and it shouldn’t be a given. An adult should be aware that they are going to age and plan accordingly. It is the responsible adult thing to do. We have seen from the pandemic how few people ever save money for emergencies. A lot of people live without a thought of tomorrow. I don’t have children and I do have an IRA and a LTC policy. We both do. My husband thought spending all that money on LTC policy was a waste until he saw what it cost for my dad to live in IL, AL, and LTC. I too will be stockpiling pills so that I don’t live the end of my life the way my dad did.
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Sounds so much like my mother, always complaining, returning everything my sister and I are asked to order. She is so bored and sleeping all day is her favorite activity. Got her a daily evening sitter and have set boundaries for myself. If she leaves a phone msg I do return her calls if urgent. Limit and shorten visits. Sister and two daughters visit when they can. Tried countless activities for her and she wants no part of them. She expects to be entertained all day. I make sure she has her needs met but more and more not by me. She is tired of covid and she has threatened to call a cab or ride a bus. She moves little due to neglect of bad knees so good luck with that mom!

I help and enjoy caring for my six grandchildren. My mother resents this and is jealous although she cared nothing for her own grandchildren.
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jacobsonbob Sep 2020
That's why she's jealous--she deliberately ignored her own grandchildren, and now she's both envious of your relationship with your own, and jealous because the time and effort being spent with your grandchildren isn't being spent with her.
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It's your mother. My Mom took care of herself as long as she could and insisted on moving to Assisted Living when she could no longer manage at home alone. Each of her 3 daughters offered to have her move in with them and she said no, so as not to be a burden. I am sorry your situation with your mother is so different, stressful, and not at all what any of us would wish on another person. Please do take care of yourself as much as you possibly can. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. My thoughts are with you and I hope you will find strength and encouragement from all of the supportive notes I see on this forum.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
Most of us could only wish to have a mother like yours! At least for the part about wanting to move to AL and refusing to put the burden on any of you, whether you wanted to do it or not.

My mother's plan included AL - I know this because a few times she said she needed to clear out stuff in case she ever has to "get outta here." When I asked what that meant, she said assisted living. Okay then, good plan and good to know.

Enter dementia. So much for that plan! In her mind, she was fine, independent and could cook. She wasn't, and couldn't. We tried bringing in aides, 1hr min, to get her used to having someone around, to increase as needed. Less than 2 months, she refused to let them in, repeating her mantra. At that point I saw to it legal paperwork was updated and starting researching dementia and AL/MC near me (her condo was about 1.5 hrs away and most AL/MC in her area was VERY expensive.) I wanted her closer to where I live so I could manage things easier, esp in winter! So, as the time approached to make the move, she was adamant she would NOT move anywhere, ESP not AL! Let the fun and games begin!

She's been in MC over 3.5 years now, is living at least 40+ years ago, and just recently had a stroke. Denied hospice. Really? At 97, virtually no hearing, losing eyesight, won't stand/walk on her own, overweight, loss of right side control, slurring words. Whatever.. we continue on...
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Sorry that you mom feels she is the "queen" and all should revolve around her. There are wonderful seniors that are cared for at home - my grandparents were like that - and those who are difficult to care for (let alone live with)- my dad will be that person. Usually the more difficult personalities and more difficult types of care require a permanent 24/7/365 residential facility. Staff caring for residents have the luxury of going home for "time off" from caring. Seems that you may need to see your life more in this light - care when you are there and live your life outside of the visit.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2020
In addition to the 24/7/365 care is all the miscellaneous tasks such as buying supplies they need, paying any bills they have, managing medical care and medications, managing what funds they still have left or get each month! There is NO way that I could provide the kind of care mom gets in her facility, but I still spend a lot of time managing and advocating!
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I think it’s a family thing, my Mother took care of her parents till the end, she does have a sister & brother who helped by giving her a break for 2 weeks every other year. She always assumed I would take care of her. I am an only child. Well she came to live with me 30 years ago and now I am her 365/24/7 caregiver she is unable to do anything for herself. One time when she had cataract surgery she must of said something and the nurses said she one of those who except their children to take total care of them. So here I am 30 years of caregiving. Don’t get me wrong it has only been 4 years of total care giving she was able to do her own thing up till then, but it feels like 30 years cause she is a very needy person.
always there even our family vacations she came along. Now I am her house slave. It is probably a family thing cultural thing. I have started that I do not want my children to take care of me, it is a horrible ending.
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Sunnydayze Sep 2020
Bless your heart.
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I tell my kids frequently... place me when I need placing! We laugh and they repeat...”Mom will need a good tv, pizza once a week and fun pajamas!” Also...they have seen firsthand the issues with my parents.

My prayers are with you for your total healing. You have a lot on your shoulders. I am so sorry you are going through this.🙏🌻
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Good Day. I hardly know where to start...my own Mom is 86 and in rapidly declining health, physically...her physician has recommended AL but Mom refuses to leave her little house in a rural area near the small town where she grew up. Pre-Covid, I traveled to her home every 6 weeks to visit, take her to doctors, etc...she was still driving then and could manage daily things and I enjoyed time spent with her. We toured a number of Senior communities near the larger city where I live so she could see how AL has changed and I felt a huge weight lifted off, knowing Mom has plenty of money to live in a nice place for many years and all but agreed to move when the time came. Well, little did I know she has other plans. She expects me to give up my job, home and life and move in with her; I refuse to do that-I live near my own children and grands, have a job and a home so now, she is threatening to ask her 'new friend' (a woman my family barely knows but who Mom has latched onto) to move in and take care of her. I arranged for Home Health to come in daily but Mom has fired all of the ladies, one by one because she doesn't need them. We do not have a POA or even a Med POA...she refuses to sign either because she's heard horror stories of children who robbed their parents of life savings and so forth. Her mental state is such that no judge will give grant a guardianship; Mom is really good at acting like she's in control when visiting the dr or at the bank, etc. but dissolves into a scared, lost little lady when back in the car. My 2 younger brothers live out of state and visit once a year and, tho I do send updates on Mom's health, they have no clue the physical & emotional toll caring for her has taken on me. Her paranoia and loneliness means daily calls and I simply don't have the energy any longer; my one glass of wine has turned into 3, I've put on a few pounds, I don't enjoy my own life like I used to because I am consumed by my Mom's. Is that normal? I'm a very healthy 64 yrs young single woman and I am tired. Covid restrictions has only exacerbated her loneliness ( for so many, I know) yet I still make the trip and do what what I can, knowing it's never enough. We have the same tired circular chats about her needing to move into AL where she can be looked after but she insists it is MY job to care for her. My Mom was always a social person and I think she would thrive in AL, after a period of transition...her world is so small now and she hates it and I know she wants to maintain control of her life...I KNOW this yet still beat myself up for becoming annoyed with her because, after all, she's my mother. I pray for endurance.
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Daughterof1930 Sep 2020
I’m sorry you have so much weighing on you. Your mom is like many, digging in right where she is. One day an event will happen that will force change, meanwhile you wait. And while you wait I do hope you’ll refuse to participate any longer in the endlessly circular conversations of you moving in with her or her moving to assisted living, it’s only frustrating you both so don’t have it any longer. Wish you the best
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I am also 60 with a mom 87. She is living in independent living for about 6 months now. It's not ideal since coronavirus has limited so much of the activities. My mom gave me mixed messages. I moved from Ohio to Florida about a year before she moved to IL. I had told her for years we were thinking of doing that. She has always been extremely independent. She never balked or had a conversation with me when I brought it up. But man oh man, I found out she had been crying and complaining to the rest of the family about it. Apparently she figured I would take care of her. I never wanted to move in together because she is still my mom, and as my mom, she is the boss, and I just can't take not being my own boss. I think it was the right decision for her to go to IL. Her memory declined rapidly after I left to Florida. All the relatives are saying its my fault for moving. I would gladly move her to IL here in Florida. But, now she is with her sisters and is familiar with the area there. So, its the best to stay there. Anyway, no easy answers.
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Sunnydayze Sep 2020
I get it!
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I believe that when it comes to old age, each person may have had plans but a lot of the time they just don't work out. My parents were planners, my mother kept a multi-year family budget planner their entire married life (70 years). Yet when it came to getting older, they completely ignored the fact and never planned for it. I had to step in during an emergency and basically make all the decisions in one week.
I have tried to set up for myself as much financial help as possible for my future. The thing I am worried about is losing my ability to make good decisions and not having anyone to help me with those. If I had had any children, I would not expect them to do anything caregiving for me.
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I don’t think it’s you not wanting to give her energy and time. She wasn’t a nice person and you shouldn’t be burdened with her care. I think it is part of her nature to be difficult and make unreasonable demands. She should have planned to not be a burden. If she was pleasant and loving, your attitude would be different.

I have many friends that have parents that planned for their care, even if they didn’t have a lot of funds. I have friends with kind and loving parents and my friends are happy to be around them and pitch in. I married a person with a tight knit happy family and every talks through options and makes reasonable decisions.

Similar to you, my mother was abusive and neglectful. I HAD to disconnect years ago for my own well being. I now manage her care from a distance. Putting in boundaries was very hard. Nothing made her happy in her life and she’s still that way even with dementia!

I’m not sure it’s generational. I think there have always been families that function better than others. But our generation is aware that we will be living longer. Our families are smaller and our children face a higher cost of living and will need to work longer. And those of us that have had those mean and selfish parents, don’t want our children to suffer with our care.
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XenaJada Sep 2020
"I have friends with kind and loving parents and my friends are happy to be around them and pitch in"

It sure does make a difference when the elderly person is kind and appreciative. One of my grandmothers was just a delightful person who loved to laugh and have a good time. She frequently had visitors.
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Sones like what goez around comes around. I suppose if your mom had hzve been a nicer person. You would probably be nicer to her.
I think there will always be people letting their parents live with them. People that will put them in a Senior Home and People that do nothing.
My Dad is 96 and he stayed in his own home where he wanted to be with 24 7 Care.
The Insurance won't cover it as they will only cover the price if my Dad is in a Senior Care Place.
Fortunately my Dad has enough money to pay for his Care for about 3 yrs then I will try to hire a Live In for him because it would be less expensive.
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It is hard dealing with people with dementia. My MIL has dementia and narcissism. She is in ASL. I can't imagine having her live with us. I am fortunate my husband would not allow her to live with us. She can be mean and demanding. I have learned to hang up on her and we visit now only once a week. One of us talks to her most days. She thinks she is the smartest, most athletic and best cook there is. She may be average in all. I just listen and if I get tired of it I say I have to go.
It is hard to visit now and she can go out. We are trying to get her to leave her room and come outside on her own but she has been refusing. She says she still walks but we do not believe her. Should we keep trying or make the effort just to visit her in her room. I think it is good if she walks or goes outside. I think she may be scared to walk or leave her room. She has always liked us to go up and take her back. Now you have to make an appointment to visit.
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Invisible Sep 2020
My father liked being near a familiar bathroom. Perhaps that is the case for your MIL. I can't think there would be anything more frightening than not being able to trust your own judgement or the people around you.
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I do wonder. For those of us without kids, I suppose it will be AL or NHs of some kind. Or just passing away without help at home. Too many people I know of my generation have, unfortunately, addled themselves with drugs or too much alcohol and passed away in their 50s or 60s. As for the rest of us, I have gotten over any expectation of staying in my own home forever, if care needs to be beyond someone I pay coming in a few times a week. I hope NH's and AL are better someday. One NH my mom was in for rehab had all pink chairs and curtains in the women's resident rooms...and blue in the men's resident rooms. It felt like a baby nursery and was awful. I never want to see that color of pink again!!
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Invisible Sep 2020
Oh my.
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I have the same mother father combo. My mother is not a nice person and has not improved with age. She is 80. I am battling cancer too right now and need my energy. I have been implementing boundaries. Phone calls once a week. I don’t get involved in issues for which they can hire someone. Stuff like that. Still hard as even the weekly call is usually upsetting. Take care of yourself!
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