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Yup! They need so much done that they can't do and they don't realize how much of an imposition it really can be.

But your family putting you down and such (per your profile), well that's just unnecessary and intolerable. Time to set some boundaries (do some reading on how to do it) and stand up for yourself. Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to take their crap. Spend your time and energy with people that appreciate you and make you feel good.

You're nobody's servant!
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Agree, you need to start standing up for yourself. I also agree you keep your LOs away from a probably a Narcissistic person/s.

You set boundries. If you have a husband and kids, they come first. As does a job. You do not need to put up with abuse. And putting you down is verbal abuse. Do you have to do the caring? Are there other siblings? Is it because you are the girl? Cultural thing.
If you don't want to care for the parent, then don't. There are options. They pay for aides, go into an AL if they have money if not, there is Medicaid for in home and Longterm care.

There is something called "grey rock method". This is where you do what you need to do but have no interaction with the person. There is a book called "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its very good. She liked:

When saying "No" you are not responsible for the reaction you get for saying it.
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Morethanthat1 Dec 2021
Thanks so much JoAnn29 for your thoughtful response. I am a burnt out Mother but still functioning. Most of the contributing factors is from putting up with verbal and mental abuse that no one realizes or admits, out of shame perhaps, that comes with the job of Caregiving. I was raised from early on to be a Mother and learned how to cook by watching the Women in my Family how to cook. I also learned to be Independent but contradicting examples from home and school steered me in the wrong direction early in my formative years.
The wake up call to put me first before being so giving, while Caregiving is when I was rushed to the ER with chest pains, rapid heart beat, and immense stomach pains. I was crying so hard but it was necessary and freeing. Everyone's similar experiences of being dumped on by Family is real. Family is all we have and if they can not make themselves available to all jump in voluntarily to help too and be respectful, I do not see why I it takes me being sent to the ER and still no one cares. Sadly, when I told my Brother and our Elderly Father what happened to me, they did not even ask me how I was. They don't have any children, they just have themselves to take care of. I am a Mother and they do not respect that.
In fact, I was told again via Messenger to "wash blankets and to dry them thoroughly to prevent molds" while they sent me pictures of themselves and our Elderly Father on vacation somewhere.
I wish I could just hop on a plane with my own Family and go as far away as possible to Live life happily with my children. Far away from these selfish, nosy, imposing, no boundaries, all drama "Family members" rather than continue to be humiliated and treated like a servant through life while they are all actually living their lives and being show offs. Microphone drop.
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Love my mom beyond life, but doing all the miniscule things makes me feel like a servant. She says thank you but it makes a person weary.
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Morethanthat1 Dec 2021
You said it all. It helps to keep positive to stay strong. I get tired being expected to do all the chores and cooking. Making time for what you like and staying healthy will help. That is what my Doctor told me. Thanks for replying Tynagh! Good Luck to you.
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Back when I was helping my parents, I didn't feel like a servant, but felt like I was once again in my early 20's doing things to help out like when I was still living at home. My parents, who were in their 90's, still viewed me as still being that young person, instead of now being a senior myself.

My parents were always very thankful when I helped out, I just wished I had known about boundaries. It wasn't until years later that the pattern was set into place. Only I could do things for them [their choice]. But if I had said "no", I am sure they would look at me like my hair was on fire.

Now that I am older, 75, I have a much better understanding why my parents needed the help they did. It is like a light switch, once you turn a certain age, it feels like all the energy you once had half has disappeared. Naps become your best friend, as you feel better afterwards. Eye sight not as sharp, and hearing can creating some comical moments when we mis-understand a word being said.

I wish there was an easy solution that could create a win-win for everyone.
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Morethanthat1 Dec 2021
Thank you FreqFlyer! I have much respect for you for dedicating your Life as a Caregiver. Hugs. I grew up mostly with my Grandparents; who had lost everything in WW2 but were survivors and they were not well most of the time yet took care of me and my Brother. I had to learn from early on to help them and without them I would not be here. I empathize with your situation and I respect and appreciate your advice. You are right 100%.
I will keep you and everyone who took the time to reply in my prayers. Everyone here needs to hear uplifting words to carry on. Thank you again.🙂💝
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YES!!!

I foolishly opened a discussion regarding my “poking the bear” by not jumping up and doing my MIL’s laundry when she wanted and was hammered for it by people on here. Called horrible things. Jeez Louise, people, I’M NOT HER SERVANT! I don’t get paid one cent for what I do for her, and I have two small children and my own parents to care for as well.

My MIL is very demanding, has OCD, is entitled, and has the memory of a teaspoon. I’m doing my best, but I am not a servant.

I now don’t do anything she demands if she doesn’t say ‘please.’ I don’t care how she says it, so long as she says it.
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Morethanthat1 Dec 2021
I understand totally because I have been made the Villain in this too and I too, am a Mother with children. All I can say from learning the hard way is there are "do-ers" then there are the ones who nosy and are good at pointing fingers and blame yet don't do anything to help. I have learned to be thick skinned because it is the only way to not let all the negative blamers get the best of me. I have my Life and I am the type who will help just do not cross boundaries and disrespect me. Caregiving requires patience and time whether paid or not. We could do without the on demand servant expectations over our heads.
If it helps, I use daily "Positive Affirmations" that are on YouTube to get me through all this. Good Luck!
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Thanks againx100! Finding this Safe Caregiving Forum is a Blessing! I appreciate your advice and thoughts. It is uplifting to share caregiving experiences. Thanks to Everyone who replied. Happy Holidays ❤💝
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Thanks "againx100" for your comments. I appreciate your spot on advice! Good Luck. 🙂🙌
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For 2022 we all need Hope, Blessings and Positivity in all our lives as Caregivers of our Loved Ones. I hope that all our Family members who are able to help out will do so voluntarily with empathy and cheer. No more disrespectful expectations or taking advantage. We all have our own Lives to Live Happy too now.
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