Does anyone have an issue with their 83 year old mother showing favoritism to a sibling?

The most straightforward way to separate yourself from your difficult family members is to move a long way away and develop a real life of your own. This stops you from thinking too much about things that aren’t helping you at all. Don’t visit. Get a separate phone, so that if they phone or if you phone them, it doesn’t get tangled up with your NEW REAL LIFE. Be yourself, not part of that mess.

I understand the frustration of not knowing how to communicate your feelings and how you have the hope that you just need to make them understand. You need to find a way to let go of thinking you can change this relationship. You can't. You are not being treated badly because you deserve it or for any other reason so you cannot change it. I think most of us who are the family scapegoats hold on to the wish to be treated differently up until the very end. I know I did, even though I didn't realise it at the time. It is not going to happen!
But you are also treating yourself badly by staying. You need to leave and not go back. If it is for financial reasons you are there, I hope you can find a solution that enables you to leave. It is not your fault they are violent towards you.. there is no scenario where that could be your fault. Please leave. Find a happy life and be the one who treats you well.. everything you wish for from them, all the love and acceptance you wish for.. you be the one to give it to yourself.

I know exactly how you feel. My mom had several daughters and a son. Her son was her golden child and her daughters were just there. No matter, how much you try, you have to understand this may never change. You are searching for your mother’s love and you may never receive it. Be kind to her but stay away if you need to. Love her but do not expect anything in return. When you need to stay your distance do so, it’s ok. It is extremely painful but if you don’t expect anything in return you cannot get hurt. Your sibling is equal to you. I wish you well and pray for God’s help and guidance.

All of my life my mom would pick a fight with me and then ghost me. I took on the lovely task of raising my 2 year old granddaughter. My son died several months later in 2020 & my dad died 4 months later. He and I have worked together on the rental properties since 2009.
In 2019, my mom and dad came to me and asked me to help pay their bills because my mother was obvious with dementia. I have been handling everything since. My mom kept getting hateful with me plus I was taking care of all the rentals and the grandchild and my three hair shops. Yes, I am sane 🥹 Next thing I knew, my brother and his minions put APS on me. The agent was an absolute bully and caused me extensive stress. This has been over a year ago and nothing has become of it because there was nothing to find or blame me for. I am doing the absolute best I know how.
I absolute feel for others that are going through this. My brother tells me my dead son hated me and then I am a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that) and that I can't get a man. Well who in the absolute hell has time? I thank God everyday that I am not like either one of them. There's a lot more to it than this, obviously but it certainly does suck how people act. I'm just amazed that they are related to me.

Distance yourself (physically) from any potential violence. See a good therapist to help you develop coping skills. I believe the therapist will help you understand that lifelong habits will not change. You must decide how you want to live the rest of your life. It may be better without those two in it. I know that this will be very hard to do. Best of luck to you.

My Mom favored my brother over me since birth, I'm the eldest and he is the middle child My Mom herself was a middle child, and was brought up to revere the males in the family. My brother was the only son.)

This is what worked for me:
1) Put a lot of distance between you and your Mom and brother. Physical distance. Make a life of your own, be financially stable and proud of it, and don't seek affirmation from them. Don't request or expect financial or emotional assistance from them, now or in the future.

2) When they want you to see you or you see them, thoroughly vet out the reasons before agreeing to anything they say. If you have to hang up on them, do. If your instincts say "no" then believe your instincts. Don't offer your home if they come to visit. Don't let them manipulate you into providing them anything.

3) Seek help of a therapist.

My Mom used to pit my brother and sister against me. She threatened to dis-inherit me. I said "please do." She did, and I didn't care. I went "no contact" for awhile with her and visited my Dad separately from her.

After my Dad died, I later went to "limited contact." When she came to see me, we couldn't be in the same room for more than 2 hours without her irritating me. My brother kept on telling her to stop being such a bully. She denied being a bully. When I was in her city, I never stayed at her house, never took anything she offered, always paid for my own meals, as everything she provided had "strings attached". I never knew when or in what form, the payment would be. I made sure she never used the guilt trip on me. I couldn't even throw trash away in her trash can, as she would dig it out and try to use it against me.

My brother did his time with her during her retirement years. He watched over her, took her places, fixed things around the house, etc. I kept in touch with my mother via my brother. In the meantime, I've built up my finances and my education and totally could give a damn less about her. Whenever she visited, I was always anxious around her and couldn't wait for her to leave.

Yes, my brother got numerous things from my mother. She paid for his car insurance, down payments on real estate, gas money, monthly allowance (yes, he was married), etc. She would throw it in my face. I did not react positively or negatively.

In her early 90s, we had a big "blowup" and I told her that if she didn't respect my rules while she was in my house, then she was no longer welcome. She called my brother and got no sympathy from him. However, her behavior did change toward me to be more respectful.

In her late 90s, beginning of dementia (although we didn't know it at the time), I'm the only one she trusts with her health and finances. I ended up being her primary caregiver for the last 5 years of her life.

So, my advice to you is to quit trying to get affirmation from your Mom or your brother. Do what you can do to become completely independent from them. Be an upstanding member of the community.

You can do it!

Cobrasue1999: Seek the help of a therapist.

Yes.. Except my real brother died in 2014. My mother, in her early 80s, has sort of adopted this man in his early 50s and made him her priority.

The worst thing is, he's a man I spent a few nights with over NYE 2019-2020. Hence him being early 50s (my age).

She has him stay with her for about five days every fortnight and they get drunk together, fight, and generally behave horribly. He still wants *me* but I want nothing to do with him.

My father refuses to intervene, in fact he and his partner prefer me there. So again I have gone no contact with either of my parents. I am living in my car or motel rooms.

I can't believe she's done this and it's in its fourth year.

Hi Cobrasue - You stated that your mother has always shown overwhelming favoritism towards your younger brother, even while growing up - my thought is, I think there are some mothers who gravitate towards sons - and cannot relate to daughters. I think it's as basic as that unfortunately. It actually removes taking anything to heart because maybe your mother was just never capable of being the kind of mother that you deserved - unless you were a son.  

Very dysfunctional family dynamics. Move as far away as possible.

I am in a dysfunctional family situation myself. After high school, l lived with my mother for over 30 years just so I had shared housing and decent jobs since I lacked sufficient income to live on my own. My mother had mental problems, but we worked things with our faith. One of my sisters was jealous because Mom and I did some traveling and she could not join us. Sorry, but my siblings lost the West Coast for greener pastures.

Finally, my mother was forced into assisted living when too old to care for herself. It was a relief off my back to live by myself in peace.

Withdraw from them totally until you can get respect as a member of the family. Stand your ground. Don’t cave in. If they value you at all, things will turn around in your favor.

I had to check the name of who posted this to see if it was me in the middle of the night, typing it all out only to delete (bc it at leasts get it out of me) but accidentally hitting submit. I’m living thru this identical thing my mom & brother. My mom who has dementia can be in a room full of people & saying oh hello how are you to each until she gets to me. Her facial expressions change into someone else & I get cussed at, questioned, accused - you name it. She is still and has always been horrible to me. She’s 81, the youngest of 9 with only 2 siblings left at 94 & 85. They’ve both witnessed how she treats me and have said she (my mom) has never been happy ever. I always feel so bad for her unhappiness but it’s not my fault. Worst part is I’m the one depended on for almost everything now. I handle all the day to day at her house where her and my brother live. I get calls not asking if I’m busy, how’s my day, hey have you —- it’s straight to “I need you to check-I need you to order-What did you do….

I’m so sorry to be so blunt .. but you are 59. It’s not going to change. Your mother isn’t going to finally open her eyes and see that you were also a wonderful child. At some point, you have to care less. I know my sister is my mother’s favorite. But here’s the thing .. so what? There’s no prize for being the favorite. There’s no special place in heaven she gets to be that I don’t. I can’t care. I choose to see it as a bit of a positive in that when disaster strikes, as it tends frequently do with my mother, at least she’s calling my sister vs me. Beyond the deep seated pain of this having been going on your whole life - what does not being the favorite kid deprive you of? What does your bother get that don’t and how is that improving his life? If you can get there, try the “so what.” “Who cares” approach. Because it likely doesn’t matter one way or the other that she favors your brother. You are the only one suffering here and you can choose not to suffer anymore. I hope you can get there.

This is more than about favoritism. I am sure many have experienced this.

It is trauma and wounding.

WHAT TO DO?

I sense you need to develop inner resources to set limits with both your mother and your brother. You are currently (perhaps over a life-time) allowing them to interact / communicate / talk to you as they do ... (perhaps it is emotional / verbal abuse).

You need to say: S-T-O-P immediately when this starts to occur.

You need assert how you feel and that being disrespected will not be tolerated.
They will continue to do / 'test' you as this is a new response from you and for them to hear.

At some point, you will need to make a decision:

1) Allow this to continue.

2) If they continue when you state your boundaries and needs, you will need to:
a) Either leave the room; and/or
b) Decide how to be involved with your mother and your brother.

3) You may need to step aside or down - get out of this dyfunction. Only you can do that. It will hurt as it is a huge loss to you - although being in this 'family dynamic' is toxic and (will continue to) affect you in every way: emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically.

Whatever you decide, consider if you want to get into therapy. It is wounding and trauma. You need to learn (your value as a human b-e-i-n-g) and that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It starts with you believing you deserve how to be treated by others. They won't do it on their own. As the saying goes "We teach others how to treat us." Yes. We do.

You (may not) will not change your mother perhaps although you will change yourself and not only feel better about being you, you will MEET a new you.

To encourage this change of self-image / self-love / self-respect, include exercise and a good diet, get enough sleep, increase/find supportive networks - and as needed new friends to support you in loving yourself / valuing yourself.

From my point of view, this is the goal. If your brother doesn't get on board, then you need to ask yourself: Is this relationship worth it?

And, yes. My sister was one year older than me and favored by my mother.
My mother was told that my sister needed 'special attention' due to being legally blind in one eye. Whether that has anything to do with my mother's feelings / behavior with how she treated me ... or having two young children back-to-back and no inner or outer resources to know how to 'mother' to support the development of both her children - who knows. The thing is, we all need to deal with who we are and do the best we can to be the best 'me' and 'you' possible - through hard inner work, and support.

Gena / Touch Matters

Set strong boundaries for yourself. There is a manner in which you can distance yourself without estrangement altogether. Seek joy for yourself and optimize your own last third as I call it as I am also 59: in pursuing anything that makes you know peace and do not feel guilty about it. I call siblings and even parents extended family once we attain a certain age as adults ourselves. Letting go of needing your mom’s approval may be a first step. I wish you well in your healing journey and then that you thrive! jah

How long do you have? I could write a book about being the UN favorite - the scapegoat - of my mother.

In a nutshell....

I had a twin brother and for as long as I can remember, he was a tattle tale. He was without a doubt my mother's favorite. As she once told me, "we love our boys".

My brother was always on the hunt for something that I had done or was doing that could get me into trouble with my very strict parents.

The biggest error that my parents made was acting on his tattling. It paid off for him because it got me into trouble. I would get called on the carpet and/or blindsided, punished, shamed, etc.

I learned to be very secretive and underground but that didn't stop my brother from hunting for anything he could find.

He would even criticize - to my parents - my mothering style when I was raising my two children. Mind you - he never married or had children himself.

The unhealthy relationship between he and my mother deepened after my father died in 2004. We were 45 years old at the time. Over the ensuing years, the triangulation was crazy.

Anything that I did or said that set my brother off would become a huge huge deal with my mother coming after me - sometimes they would pile on together. Any apologies that I made were discarded and disregarded.

Way back in 2016 - one particular event - I was very upset and here are a couple of things that my mother said to me. (From my journal).
* I'm jealous of her relationship with my brother.
* I'm resentful because I "think" he has been given more than me.
* I started this argument.
* I'm too sensitive. I've always been way too sensitive.
* I was just as "bad" as my brother growing up.

Blame, blame, guilt, shame........sigh........

I didn't realize the depth of the co-dependency and enabling between them until I had to bring my mother into my home in 2017 to care for her, and she brought with her the toxic relationship with my brother.

To make matter worse, by this time, my brother was a full-blown raging alcoholic and pill popper who was no longer able to hold down a job. My mother had been financially supporting him to some degree for most of his adult life and it was still going on with a vengeance.

It was miserable for me. It didn't end until my brother passed away 5 years ago. I do miss my brother and the relationship that we never were able to forge. I blame my parents for not putting a stop to his tattling which became a life time dynamic.

So I'm very sorry that you're stuck in the same situation with people who should be supporting and valuing you.

It's not your fault!!!
It goes back to the parent(s) who could put a stop to it.
You will never change it.
Don't blame yourself!!!

I wish you peace and happiness. 💕

Mental health issues. That's what's behind your mom and brother's actions.

Do you have any available counseling through your work? Every job I've ever held offered free EAP services. Maybe there's something available through your city or county. I'd reach out for assistance to help with emotionally detaching from this situation.

Your physical absence needs to be immediate if they're now violent.

I know how that goes. I was the eldest child, daughter. My mother always seemed to favor my younger sister, and although that sister was the only adult child living nearest my Mom, she did the least to help Mom, now a widow. I lived 350 miles away and most of the time I lived overseas. My younger brother lived in another state. When I asked my mother why she catered to that sister when she lived so close (4-5 blocks away) but the sister didn't help my Mom, Mom said, she loved that sister the most since she was the only child (4th) they had made out of love. That was a very hard pill to swallow since I am the eldest of 5, and I suspected but never found out, if they HAD to get married, and I was probably the one who caused that to happen. I asked several times, but Mom always said, no, they didn't have to get married, at the time, both 16 & 17. I'm 84 now and over that, but I'm still not close to that sister. Seems she knows more than I, does less with her life than I did, and got away with a lot we other kids couldn't or be punished. When I left home after marriage, I lived far away, and decided I would not return to that town except to visit once in a while. I did more with my life than that sister, but when Mom would visit, Mom would praise her but just say to me, how can you stand living overseas instead of the US. My answer, "cause I married a soldier and he took me " 'round the world". They all thought that was a terrible thing to do, live overseas. I loved it. Got my dream to come true. Only went back home to visit Mom, but not often, even paid her way overseas to do some sightseeing, something she never got from that daughter, but mostly no help at all, despite living just a few miles from Mom. Oh, well, what's 4.000 miles away. I had to go home to houseclean, paint, etc. But other daughter, no help. I'm okay with that now, but then, it hurt, especially to be told "your sister was the only one made out of love". There were 5 of us children. Hurtful!!!

I totally understand. My parents have been living with me for almost 3yrs. My older brother has been living in California for years. Just 7months ago my father had a terrible accident and is now 24hr care along with my mother whom has been a big help but also dealing with dementia herself. Before the accident I over heard my mom telling my brother he was her favorite. That killed me to the core. With everything I'm doing for them and all he does is call and says he loves them. He's lied to me and always gives excuses why he can't come to help. I've come to realize that I'm here because I love my parents and know getting to spend time with them is precious but accepted it can be very challenging. I know I can't worry about he's not doing just what I need to do. Trust me everyday is different but I think accepting the way things are helps. Good luck. God is good

I’m the so called favourite for my dad
ive told him off over the years
he doesn’t stop
i just brush it off or make a joke now - it’s not going to change
I’m always helping family- they just ignore it - he says it’s not favouritism and I’ve always been there for him more and he treats us all the same
- I was quicker on academic so that may have appealed to his ego
who knows
sometimes in life there are things you just have to ignore
earlier years I felt a little resentment but as my family grew up and matured they realised it actually doesn’t matter- the lovewe have for each other is stronger - no one has to prove anything
S for your strong feelings -I think it’s wasted on closed ears you need to speak to a counsellor- it’s not your family who will
mend you it’s you
and a counsellor will steer you how to
best wishes

So sorry for your situation, but you can not fix this by yourself. You should begin to distant yourself from the situation.

If they are becoming violent call Social Services or someone in
Senior Services or talk to a lawyer.

When either one of them starts acting like that just leave. My mother always showed favoritism to my older sibling because he never had any friends due to his narcissism .

She was 95 with onset dementia & I was caring for her when all this ugliness really came out full force. He started telling me how I was going to do things for her while he did nothing. He told me he had “POA….he had control”.

I ended up telling him he could do it all himself & walked away. To spite me he took her to a lawyer and amended her trust to remove me completely so that he would get 100% of her estate.

Walk away for your own health & sanity.

Stop calling, stop going over there, and have nothing to do with them.

You cant be the scapegoat if you aren’t participating.

and I’m sorry. It’s a shame and it’s never going to get better. The above is what I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

In order to turn your life around and be the person you where ment to be and not the person that others around you want you to be, takes work .

Read melody Beatties books, about codependency

It may be 2 steps forward and one step back, but continue to move forward.

Letting go of old habits is so hard, letting go of people you care about is even harder, just remember as much as you care about them, they can't care about you. It's just not in there DNA, I guess you could say. Most of the time there is no good reason and you did nothing wrong. The only thing you did wrong was being there for people that will never be there for you. Blood or no blood

You have years of brain washing to over come. You can't just over come it with our help. Today you made the first step in getting that help. So keep stepping forward.

One of the things that was hard for me when I started therapy was admitting I was mentally abused. I don't know why, because it shouldn't be, but you can't turn your life around without admitting it . The other thing that's been hard for me was asking for help. Admitting you need help, because so many times in my life I was disappointed because the people I thought cared where not the ones that would help me. So I learned not to ask for help, I didn't feel like anyone would be there for me.

But we are here for you. Take the suggestion that people have given you that you like and ask more anytime.

Best of luck to you my friend

Your mother is not going to change, she’s a narcissist. Your brother? Same. What you need to do is resolve to live your life without them. Find your strength, your self-esteem - keep your friends close and your enemies far.

SOP for a momma and her son, daughters are just there for servitude duties.

Accept this, neither of them will change, leave them in your dust, reinvent yourself become a new version of you.

Happiness and acceptance can be on the horizon for you, start the change now.

Let mother and her Golden Child live happily ever after together while you vanish from their lives to a brighter future w/o them. Your mother is never going to magically morph into Donna Reed, and you need to accept that this is the hand you were dealt. You don't have to like it, but you have to stop expecting things to be different. You just choose not to be involved with the dysfunction and ugliness anymore. Allow yourself to heal by staying away from the toxic duo.

I, along with Misery, am confused by the discrepancy in the age you list. One part of profile says you're caring for Albie who is in 90s. Another lists a mother, 83, you are care for. It is clear your own age is 59.

If you have not moved away from a dysfunctional family for all these many years, it's late at 59 to sever the natal cord. You say you're having a "mental issue" with your mother's favoritism for your violent brother who still lives in her the family home. That you moved in with them, but have now moved out again (GOOD on you for that latter).

If this is the case I think you honestly need much more than the sympathy and caring of a bunch of strangers on a Forum. I think you honestly need mental health professionals to help you break habitual patterns of reaction. In fact it is quite late to address this lifelong habit.

As to a pattern of favoritism: I am not a believer, but I've often read the bible for its lovely and poetic allegories. I recommend reading about the Prodigal Son. (Luke 15, 11-31) It is an age old truism that the most troubled child often gets the most attention. He/she is often seen as the most needy. Parental instinct plays into it.

Step outside the bible to psychology and there are many theories as to how dysfunctional families "divide up the goodies (love)" or how they "choose a victim". At its worst it can move to a child singled out for severe physical punishment and even death.

Knowing these things doesn't help YOUR pain.
Please seek help.
I wish you the very best, and your case is more proof of my belief that the best place for children who have reached the age of majority is 1,000 miles away from their parents.

I agree, you need to stay away from these people. Brother is the favorite so let him care for her. She will not change. She foes not know what love is. They feed off of each other.