I am so sensitive to her constant negativity. I feel the need for therapy as her constant and I mean constant complaining causes me great anxiety that can spiral to depression. I try to listen every single day but it is the only topic of conversation that keeps her interest.
She has even spoken negatively about my Dad who passed away 22 years ago & her best friend who won’t take her out anymore because she’s a fall risk.
It got to the point where I would just leave or say goodbye when she started talking like this.
I found this website and it has been so helpful to me to see that others are going through the same thing & everyone shares their thoughts & solutions. I just wish I had found this site years ago when I was caring for my mom and I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now.
I hope this website offers you some way of dealing with what you are going through. Hugs to you!
Seriously think about this. It doesn't adversely affect her, so you need to protect yourself from negativity that is adversely affecting you. You have no reason to feel bad, it is totally acceptable to protect yourself from anyone or anything that puts your wellbeing in peril.
Let go of the negativity immediately after listening to it, cut the exposure to it down to a minimum , and move on with your day. Under NO circumstances should you even consider moving such an Energy Vampire into your home!!!! Then there is no escape, literally. Right now, YOU get to choose how long you listen to the nonsense. Keep it that way!
I think what got to me most were the passive aggressive digs. You know, pretending to be nice, then out of left field comes the insults that just flatten us, right? I would think to myself, wait, did she just say that? Some of the comments were truly hard to believe that a mom could say these things to their only daughter, ahhh, but she did.
I think checking in on Mom by phone everyday is good. Visiting all the time is draining you. Boundries need to be set now ur retired. You are entitled to a life. Like said, when Mom starts the negativity, redirect or leave. "Sorry Mom could we talk about something else. You just drain me with slights from the past" But, I really think Dementia is involved and if so, Mom may not be able to control what she says.
The oldest kid, I can identify. I am the oldest girl and then there are brothers. Who seem to have no guilt about not seeing or doing for my Mom. Who was a good Mom. I was not the best Caregiver. Watching her decline was heartbreaking and to deal with it I put up a wall. Mom could guilt me into doing things but not my siblings. But, I did my best to care for her. I took care of her in my home and when that was no longer safe, she was placed in an AL and later LTC. No, I was not perfect but I was there.
Thank you for sharing your story. ♥️
WHY would you go listen to this every single day?
It isn’t good for her or you.
Why are you there every single day? Are you there for long periods? Cooking, cleaning, giving meds? Tell us more about your purpose in being there. Is she bed bound? Needs her meds multiple times? Do you help her with her ADLs? Pay her bills? Just popping in to check on her? How long has this been going on? Give us a bit more info so we can help you beyond telling you to just stop listening which is probably the best advice regardless.
The bulk of the criticism ironically was for me. I did the most for her. She favored my brothers.
I will tell you something that my mom did that drove me up the wall. She would always try to pump me for information about others. I would stop her dead in her tracks and say, “Why are you asking me personal questions about them? If you want to know ask them because whether I know the answer or not it is not my place to tell.” It drove her nuts but she stopped doing it because she knew that I wouldn’t blab.
I am sorry you are hurting. Therapy absolutely helps. Please let us know how you are doing and vent anytime.
Best wishes to you.
Change the subject and if she gets nasty, tell her that you are leaving and leave.
It is okay to protect yourself when dealing with your parent.
What do you have the power to do? And, what are you doing to protect yourself from her toxic behavior?
It is up to you to change your reaction towards her, as, she is not going to change.
Don't allow her to pull you any further down, do what is needed to get a handle on your emotions.
thank you for being so insightful & kind. I truly appreciate your words.
Do you love music? Athletic events? Politics? Gardening and home design? Cooking?
There’s a wonderful world open to you of auditory stimuli that are NOT your mother’s whining, nagging voices seek it out!
She can, and no doubt will, complain about anything she wants, but if you convince her, by use of ear speakers, that you aren’t able to listen to her because you’re listening to something ELSE that you FIND interesting and pleasant, she will need to employ some other conversational gambit, or perhaps silence, to engage you, and you can choose when and if you wish to accept her attempts.
By all means, find a compassionate therapist if you need to. Worked wonders for me. But DON’T feel as though you’re doing yourself, OR HER, any favors by being her built in audience.
Encourage any attempts on her part to take part in pleasant, interactive conversation, and make the ear buds your go to when she launches into a diatribe about her unfulfilled past.
Constant negativity can understandably be very emotionally draining. I believe you will just have to tune out the issues she bombards you with. If there is a way to distance yourself I hope you might start to do that. When you do have to hear her complain perhaps you can realize those are her issues not yours. There is nothing to be done about the slights of the deceased.
I presently feel overwhelmed with dealing with my husband's recovery from surgery. He won't accept any suggestions I make to try and help his symptoms. I am also dealing with my 89 year old mother and issues she has. I believe what makes it harder is that when I look back it doesn't feel as though she was someone I could go to for relief for much not to mention problems she created. It now feels as though anything she tries to do without my input just gives me more to deal with and sort out. There are times I feel just so tired with life and I don't want to be that way. I have grown children who have given me grandchildren that I want to be around for.
Between my husband and I there were alot of medical issues that happened in the last year. Some were unnecessary such as improper treatment that led to more problems. They are still ongoing and sometimes I find myself asking God for some relief. I know though that many have it much worse and this site has helped me greatly.
You are one of many who are dealing with what you have described. The fact that you came here seeking help shows you to have a survivor instinct. I hope you can find necessary ways to cope and feel stronger. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for better times for you.
ps; I so much want to tell u I empathize with you on dealing with your husband’s health as well as your own. I’m just 62... and I’m a little in shell shock that all my loved ones are starting to age & fail. It can be depressing. You are NOT alone. I am sending you positive & loving thoughts ♥️
This is not good for HER (also not good for you, but want to point out that you're not doing her a kindness by listening to her rehash old wounds).
Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. There are antidepressant meds that specifically target rumination. ((((((Hugs)))))) and good luck.