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I am so sensitive to her constant negativity. I feel the need for therapy as her constant and I mean constant complaining causes me great anxiety that can spiral to depression. I try to listen every single day but it is the only topic of conversation that keeps her interest.

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Sometimes I wonder if it’s the dementia talking or if this is how she really feels about me. She’ll bring up things I did in my teenage years from over 50 years ago. My brother was no angel either but somehow she never brings up anything negative about him.

She has even spoken negatively about my Dad who passed away 22 years ago & her best friend who won’t take her out anymore because she’s a fall risk.

It got to the point where I would just leave or say goodbye when she started talking like this.

I found this website and it has been so helpful to me to see that others are going through the same thing & everyone shares their thoughts & solutions. I just wish I had found this site years ago when I was caring for my mom and I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now.

I hope this website offers you some way of dealing with what you are going through. Hugs to you!
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Why are you visiting your mother regularly? Is it for conversation, or is it just for the company of being around and doing the jobs that need to be done? If it’s mostly for company and jobs, it might be worth investing a couple of dollars in ear plugs, which you can say that the doctor has recommended for you to stop your sinus problems (or blah blah blah). You both might have a happier visit.
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Daughter62, if she just forgets, why feel bad about enforcing a boundary that helps you?

Seriously think about this. It doesn't adversely affect her, so you need to protect yourself from negativity that is adversely affecting you. You have no reason to feel bad, it is totally acceptable to protect yourself from anyone or anything that puts your wellbeing in peril.
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Every single word coming out of my 93 y/o mother's mouth is negative. A put down of someone else, mostly, even those family members who do nice things for her. Since she's been diagnosed with dementia in 2016, things have only gotten worse.....she forgets she's told me the same BS 100x so she will say it again. And again. It's maddening. Let me say, however, that she has always been a horribly negative person with never a decent thing to say about ANYONE. Thank God she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I can limit my visit times and leave when she gets too foul. I call daily and will cut the call short when she gets too negative. Like tonight, she was insisting her friend was "faking it" with her memory issues, believe it or not! I vamoosed it off the phone in short order because what's the point in even listening to such nonsense??

Let go of the negativity immediately after listening to it, cut the exposure to it down to a minimum , and move on with your day. Under NO circumstances should you even consider moving such an Energy Vampire into your home!!!! Then there is no escape, literally. Right now, YOU get to choose how long you listen to the nonsense. Keep it that way!
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
Lealonnie,

I think what got to me most were the passive aggressive digs. You know, pretending to be nice, then out of left field comes the insults that just flatten us, right? I would think to myself, wait, did she just say that? Some of the comments were truly hard to believe that a mom could say these things to their only daughter, ahhh, but she did.
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"Her memory is slipping" Mom needs a good physical. She may need to see a neurologist. She may be showing signs of Dementia. Or it can be any number of problems. Lab work will show any deficiencies. If found she does have Dementia, don't try to keep her in her home. If she can afford it get her into a nice AL. The sooner she excepts that as her home the better she will be as her decline continues.

I think checking in on Mom by phone everyday is good. Visiting all the time is draining you. Boundries need to be set now ur retired. You are entitled to a life. Like said, when Mom starts the negativity, redirect or leave. "Sorry Mom could we talk about something else. You just drain me with slights from the past" But, I really think Dementia is involved and if so, Mom may not be able to control what she says.

The oldest kid, I can identify. I am the oldest girl and then there are brothers. Who seem to have no guilt about not seeing or doing for my Mom. Who was a good Mom. I was not the best Caregiver. Watching her decline was heartbreaking and to deal with it I put up a wall. Mom could guilt me into doing things but not my siblings. But, I did my best to care for her. I took care of her in my home and when that was no longer safe, she was placed in an AL and later LTC. No, I was not perfect but I was there.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
JoAnn - your response touched me. That you are eldest kid and took care of mom in your own home... that is real sacrifice. I always thought I would move in with my mom if she needed assistance, but now realize that would not be possible if I want to keep my sanity and marriage intact. I am starting the process of looking into AL facilities for future when she no longer can manage alone. I don’t know how she’ll react but I’m going to broach it as future planning. Anyways this is all so new to me... like I’ve said to a few others my mom was hip, cool and independent. It’s hard to see the decline like you shared with me. God you are wonderful for sharing your story and I hope you realize how incredible your act of love was by caring for your mom the BEST you could. How many people do you know who care that much or attempt home care?! People are asking me why do you put yourself through her barrage of negativity- I can only say it’s empathy. And also in a strange way “ karma”. I would hope someone will listen to me someday and care.
Thank you for sharing your story. ♥️
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daughter62sad, your therapist was right!!DONT EVER MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOTHER EVER!!!! Read it again!!!I am going through the same thing with my mother. I have limited contact with her now. I never take her out to dinner anymore. She acts worse than a 2 year old. At least with a 2 year old you can scoop them up and get them out of the restaurant quickly!!!
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Is anyone else unable to post on here? I hit send and nothing happens. Then it says try again later. This is the 5th time I tried to post this.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Elaine- I am easily able to post or respond. Did you reach out to the website support/help link. Good luck.
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”every single day”!!!!!
WHY would you go listen to this every single day?
It isn’t good for her or you.
Why are you there every single day? Are you there for long periods? Cooking, cleaning, giving meds? Tell us more about your purpose in being there. Is she bed bound? Needs her meds multiple times? Do you help her with her ADLs? Pay her bills? Just popping in to check on her? How long has this been going on? Give us a bit more info so we can help you beyond telling you to just stop listening which is probably the best advice regardless.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Hi- I reach out to my mom every day via phone call to check in. She’s a widow and I do worry about her more than my sibs. I live a mile away & I'm retired so I also try to visit or go out with her a few times a week. I’m not sure why I feel so obligated and my sibs don’t. I’m the oldest kid in fam and feel more responsible to her since my dear dad passed away 10 years ago. I think since her memory is slipping she does not realize how much she repeats the same negative stories... she always tells me like it’s the FIRST amazing time I’m hearing this tale. I think she was always like this it’s just gotten worse since her old age. My dad, when alive, really depended on me to engage & keep busy my mom to relieve pressure on himself. It’s probably a deep psychological habit I can’t shake when I feel responsible for her happiness.
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I sought therapy from the constant criticism. My mom did not have a mother in law. Daddy’s mom had died young. His dad met my mom and he loved my mom and she was fond of him. He died a couple years after they were married. Plus he lived in another state.

The bulk of the criticism ironically was for me. I did the most for her. She favored my brothers.

I will tell you something that my mom did that drove me up the wall. She would always try to pump me for information about others. I would stop her dead in her tracks and say, “Why are you asking me personal questions about them? If you want to know ask them because whether I know the answer or not it is not my place to tell.” It drove her nuts but she stopped doing it because she knew that I wouldn’t blab.

I am sorry you are hurting. Therapy absolutely helps. Please let us know how you are doing and vent anytime.

Best wishes to you.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Thank you for sharing & for your empathy. We’re all going through something. You are very kind and I wish you the best too.
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My ex-husband's dad died last year at age 93. By the time he died, it had been several years since I had seen him. But I remember when he was in his 70s and 80s and would complain about his own parents and siblings and about allegedly being mistreated by them when he was growing up (in the 1940s and 1950s). And he also made some odd statements about his wife's parents, such as a vague allegation that when his wife was a child, she might have been molested by her father. I accept as truthful or based in valid perceptions his complaints about his own family; he was there, I wasn't. But the stuff about his father-in-law was ridiculous. There was no basis in reality. I think he was just jealous that his wife's upbringing was relatively happy and she remained close to her parents and siblings throughout their lives.
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Stop being her barf bag. You don't have to let her barf all her negativity on you, that doesn't do anything but harm you.

Change the subject and if she gets nasty, tell her that you are leaving and leave.

It is okay to protect yourself when dealing with your parent.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Yes I agree with you about shutting down when she gets negative... however when I do that - I feel bad about it AND she just forgets & continues the negative BS cycle.,
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I have family members who do the same thing, when they start, I gather up my things and leave, I have the power to do this. When they start on the phone, I tell them that I do not want to listen to this, and, I hang up, I have the power to do this. If they keep calling me, I block them for a period of time, I have the power to do this.

What do you have the power to do? And, what are you doing to protect yourself from her toxic behavior?

It is up to you to change your reaction towards her, as, she is not going to change.

Don't allow her to pull you any further down, do what is needed to get a handle on your emotions.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Your feedback was very helpful. I’m getting “free” therapy here from the kind & helpful folks who reached out. It truly helps to know I’m not alone. I do have the power to react differently... I think I’m in a depressed rut. I’m working on it... you gave me hope.
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My mother, who generally has a pleasant personality, had always had a tendency to ruminate about past injustices. After developing MCI this tendency increased a bit and focused on my estranged brother's recent bad actions. Although Mom has reason to feel wronged by my brother, I do not feel focusing on his offences and being angry on a daily or multiple times a day basis is good for her. I sure didn't want to listen to it that often either. So I changed the topic. "Yes, I agree he was wrong, but what he did is in the past and talking about it doesn't change anything. Let's talk about something more pleasant like the beautiful day, or how cute your great-grandson looks playing in the yard outside your window." It usually works. Acknowledge her pain and anger are valid, state all the talking about it in the world won't change what has happened, then ask her to move on to a new topic. It might help you and your mother too.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Everything you mention - I do try with my mom... I’m always there to listen & sympathize. It’s just hard to see my once vital and hip mother now turn into this miserable negative imposter. The worst part is that my brothers & sis don’t see it because they don’t interact on daily basis.
thank you for being so insightful & kind. I truly appreciate your words.
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Why on earth do you “try to listen”? Why don’t you begin to avail yourself of all of your potential opportunities NOT to listen?

Do you love music? Athletic events? Politics? Gardening and home design? Cooking?

There’s a wonderful world open to you of auditory stimuli that are NOT your mother’s whining, nagging voices seek it out!

She can, and no doubt will, complain about anything she wants, but if you convince her, by use of ear speakers, that you aren’t able to listen to her because you’re listening to something ELSE that you FIND interesting and pleasant, she will need to employ some other conversational gambit, or perhaps silence, to engage you, and you can choose when and if you wish to accept her attempts.

By all means, find a compassionate therapist if you need to. Worked wonders for me. But DON’T feel as though you’re doing yourself, OR HER, any favors by being her built in audience.

Encourage any attempts on her part to take part in pleasant, interactive conversation, and make the ear buds your go to when she launches into a diatribe about her unfulfilled past.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
Fantastic feedback - I appreciate so much! Thank you. I too had a great therapist- but she was not covered my my insurance plan ... and unfortunately the cost became prohibitive to continue. She did give me advice that I should never move in with my mother should she need more care... I’ll always remember that. She was the first person to make me realize my sanity and happiness mattered just as much.
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My father seems to thrive on all the slights in his life, especially the perceived slights from his own father. Often I feel if I have to hear it one more time, I will spontaneously combust. His other big obsessions are bowel movements, money, and what the neighbors are doing (or not doing). The only thing that seems to break the spell is the cat. Her presence seems to distract him long enough to let the other stuff go for a few minutes. I love that cat.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
You made me laugh... and I thank you for making me feel less alone. It appears our aging family members are all on the same page! Thank you for caring!
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The fact that you recognize a need for therapy is most important. I hope you can seek that out for yourself.

Constant negativity can understandably be very emotionally draining. I believe you will just have to tune out the issues she bombards you with. If there is a way to distance yourself I hope you might start to do that. When you do have to hear her complain perhaps you can realize those are her issues not yours. There is nothing to be done about the slights of the deceased.

I presently feel overwhelmed with dealing with my husband's recovery from surgery. He won't accept any suggestions I make to try and help his symptoms. I am also dealing with my 89 year old mother and issues she has. I believe what makes it harder is that when I look back it doesn't feel as though she was someone I could go to for relief for much not to mention problems she created. It now feels as though anything she tries to do without my input just gives me more to deal with and sort out. There are times I feel just so tired with life and I don't want to be that way. I have grown children who have given me grandchildren that I want to be around for.

Between my husband and I there were alot of medical issues that happened in the last year. Some were unnecessary such as improper treatment that led to more problems. They are still ongoing and sometimes I find myself asking God for some relief. I know though that many have it much worse and this site has helped me greatly.

You are one of many who are dealing with what you have described. The fact that you came here seeking help shows you to have a survivor instinct. I hope you can find necessary ways to cope and feel stronger. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for better times for you.
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
your response was SO helpful & comforting. Thank you- it means the world to me!
ps; I so much want to tell u I empathize with you on dealing with your husband’s health as well as your own. I’m just 62... and I’m a little in shell shock that all my loved ones are starting to age & fail. It can be depressing. You are NOT alone. I am sending you positive & loving thoughts ♥️
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Your mother sounds quite depressed and is ruminating on the past.

This is not good for HER (also not good for you, but want to point out that you're not doing her a kindness by listening to her rehash old wounds).

Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist. There are antidepressant meds that specifically target rumination. ((((((Hugs)))))) and good luck.
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Riverdale Feb 2020
Do you feel that there are very specific antidepressants for the issues described by the poster? Lately at times I feel unsure if I am on the right one.
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they say that time heals all wounds. I don’t think that’s true. I have found that the older I get, now 61, the more things return to my thoughts. Things that were cruel and hurtful for which there was never any apology or redress. Things that are still going on. It makes a person angry that the truth was never found out
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Daughter62sad Feb 2020
I wish you all the best & appreciate your feedback & share. We are not alone in these struggles. 💕
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