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I have always been a crier when faced with frustration. Even on the phone when dealing with a billing problem, or trying to get information, I just start to cry. Right now, I am POA for my Dad who is 800 miles away and I just had him admitted to a nursing home against his will. I did fly back and met with siblings and an elder care attorney to get the ball rolling for one of them to file for guardianship. I also am supporting my husband who is in a crisis with severe chronic pain from fibromyalgia and severe depression (he is also bipolar). He looks like he is dying, and I am driving him for consultations, Doctor appt., physical therapy, the emergency room, and psychiatrist. Some of these are over a hundred miles away. When we get there and I try to describe what is happening (suicide statements, his extreme pain, his not being able to walk a few hundred feet), I always start crying. I feel like an idiot and probably look like a dysfunctional spouse. Any ideas on how to think and act like an adult rather than a needy child? I am even crying pretty hard while typing this. I really need to pull myself together to support those I love while they need me.

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Thank you to all the people that answered this post. It is amazing that, although each circumstance is unique, our feelings, reactions and approaches are so similar.
But reading the responses for all sorts of different situations is very helpful. We really are not alone.
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By the number of responses you've received I think you know you are not alone. There is little I can add, but I do relate. In 2013 my mom was suddenly evicted from her husband's home after his sons had him placed in a nursing home, without even telling her. Granted, he needed to go, but...Anyway, water under the bridge, but my mom and I were never close and when I found out about this, I realized that someone had to step in. My brother, like my mom, was not mentally strong enough to handle it, so I stepped up, but I had no idea what I was getting into. I was faced with finding her a place to live in a matter of weeks, getting a POA, figuring out her bills, etc. There's so much more, but the housing was the hardest and I found myself breaking down in tears to strangers on the phone when they said they couldn't help. Other issues would arise, making me feel overwhelmed and sorry for myself and, once again, I'm crying to strangers. A few months ago I had my physical and was told my blood pressure was abnormally high. I was explaining why it was likely situational, due to a number of stresses--some of which still involved issues with my mom, and I burst into tears. If you cry because you're under stress that's normal. Some people are just better at controlling their emotions than others. I think looking into the eyes of a person who you know is in a position to help you in some way can bring the emotions to the surface.  You've been hoping for rescuers with a life raft and you want to make sure they actually can see that you're drowning--not consciously, maybe, but the desperation makes it way out. You are dealing with A LOT!! Don't feel ashamed, but notice if you might need help--if you cry a lot, are depressed on a regular basis, etc--it may be time to seek professional help. And there is no shame in that either. Just talking things out with a professional or a really close friend is very therapeutic. 

I've found this message board to be helpful, too. :)

Big Hugs to you!
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My daughter has that problem. It works with her and against her. Like you, she’ll burst into tears when she needs to stick to the facts. She told me that is the way she is and she doesn’t want to be able to turn her emotions on and off (like I can), so it is what it is.

I turn off the ‘feels’ and try to stick to what I’ve objectively observed. In fact I have trouble letting my feelings go. We’re all different.

Maybe write down the information and hand it to whomever you’re talking to?
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Do NOT beat up on yourself or feel badly for having emotions. When I read your post, it was as though I were reading about myself. These health care professionals can drive anyone crazy with their unreasonable demands and guilt trips, especially when you have so demands from other directions that you are ready to break. You are frustrated and stressed. With some people the release is anger, over eating or some other trait. I may be tough in my professional life, but when it comes to my loved ones, the tears flow. Be kind to yourself and realize there is only so much you can do.
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I've sent a few people "private" messages because I can write too much, and obviously that gets tedious (why it seems less so one on one is beyond me?)! This topic, though, hits home so closely... I cry - I've always cried - can't help it, cry at sad stories, cry if anyone else does, cry at hokey TV movies or commercials - but those tears just seem to end up as sore and swollen eyes. So much for cathartic release? Often, I cry if I'm righteously angry with someone or a situation, and it makes me angrier because the tears "steal my thunder" and make me appear weak. I'd like to smack "that look: off whoever it is I'm angry with at that moment - and that just makes me cry more!

However, the tears spilled because of the heartbreak and stress, exhaustion and frustration, of day after day managing and intervention on behalf of a loved one are different. They still leave me with sore and swollen eyes, but somehow sometimes there is just a crack in the Hell life can become... Any relief is huge!

Sometimes, they just can't be held back, and that can lead to pretty unpredictable results? I think my most memorable "meltdown" was the day I left for home from Mom in the hospital, following another surgery and feeling totally overwhelmed, scared, heartbroken, and drained. A slightly plump, vaguely disheveled and a little sweaty, cheerful man in the elevator asked innocently "Hello - and how are you today". I somehow found myself blathering all over this total stranger, crying, totally undone... When we got off the elevator, he took me off to the side, talked to me and held me close while he patted my back... And I leaned on this total stranger and bawled! He was SO nice and kind to me! Turns out he's a Mormon, regularly tries to connect with and help people, his sister was my age and he gave me her number... I'm not religious (wish often I was or could be?), and prior to this just got sort of annoyed when "they" came knocking on my door with their pamphlets. I'm still not converting - but now I feel softer and somehow warmer as I send them away... He was SOOO nice, and I really needed that so much...
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I had "a really good" cry yesterday am when the song Dog and Butterfly by Heart came on!  The kind of cry when your tears are blazing HOT and just roll down your face like Niagara Falls! I've been holding a lot in for a while now and the lyrics opened the floodgates. Kind of wiped me out but also emptied my mind 😉  And could to think clear for the day.  That's my go to song now when I need to get my junk out!!!

 Just reading all your posts made me cry 😢😊
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I've gotten so much better than I used to be when this all started 8 years ago. Doing it myself leaving my husband to live with mom/dementia but "functioning and dad who had just had a heart attack. Coded twice.....once in my sister's car going to er because he wouldn't let me call 911 and she was closer than I was and then again in er. Mom never got the gravity of it all. Just joked with the nurses and drs. I thought it was going to be for a couple of weeks that I would live after he got released but ended up being for 6 mos. During this time I completely through my mom off living there. She just didn't remember from time to time what was going on. The stress that this brought on while getting very little sleep (she was a pacer at night so would turn on every light) broke me down. Anytime someone would even look at me with a sweet look or pathetic look i would try not to lose it but would end up crying. I always explained to the Drs why. I was sleep depth and stressed out. They never one said buck up. Just said I was doing the best I could and to try really hard to get some he!p. Well, one day it for so bad I admitted my mom to a memory care facility thinking it would be for a couple weeks just for respite care. It was one of the worst days of my life. It wasn't pretty since I had to trick her. Looking back there were other ways but in the moment I did what I thought was best and I still do. Neither my dad or myself would have recovered the way she was. It ended up being her home for 7 years until her passing. Cut yourself some slack and just tell the Drs or attorneys etc that you are overwhelmed from decisions and lack of sleep. They deal with this all the time. And no, I don't believe it has anything to do with not working outside the home. It is what it is and we are who we are. Good luck to you and God Bless. Things will get better.
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Actually my 94 year old mom had been crying like that for the last 4 years. I was at my wits end. She fell last summer and after being in the hospital she went to rehab and was put on Paxil 25 mg. The doctor never told me but 3 weeks in I realized she was no longer crying and I found out she was given the Paxil (a mild antidepressant) I don't know if this is something you are willing to try but she is now a new person at 94! I shouldn't say this but I thank god that she fell.
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PrairieLake - I have always cried at the drop of a hat. What I hated most was crying when I was angry or frustrated. It's very difficult to communicate in a professional manner while blubbering like a baby. That said, I find that as I get older I cry less. I don't get less frustrated, I just don't cry - and I have discovered that crying was a much needed way of releasing those feelings of being overwhelmed & frustrated. So cry when you need to and don't be ashamed. It's much better than trying to hold those feelings in restraint.
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sjdorsey, I don't know where op is but I very much identify with what you've experienced in moving to the south - don't this this post/thread is the place but think there's a way to pm; am going to try, would love to discuss this with you
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I took care of 2 parents at once. One was in an Alf and has since passed. But I never cried, my mind was too busy and I needed to stay focused. There is one word I used a lot...”excuse me?” I knew exactly what my parent needed and if the nurse would not listen to me I would go straight to the director. I wrote things that I saw down to refer to. Don’t take NO as an answer. Be determined!!!! You know your parent better than anyone. My hardest time was at bedtime, my mind would not stop working. So I would light a candle and put some soft music on and sit in the floor in my room. I’ve even drove to the park and sit under a tree. The people that watch over our loved ones don’t always care. Matter of fact most don’t. Remember....you are in charge. Don’t let anyone walk away till you have your answer. The place where my parent was always stopped to answer any of my questions because they knew I would not stand to be ignored. Information is power. Read read read. You can find peace, relax, try to calm your thoughts. You can do it and so many people are in the same situation. What ever is going to happen, will. Be strong! Peace be with you from my heart.
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Oh my - with that situation I'd be crying all the time. I'm pretty tough - have owned and operated many businesses - currently a Chief Operating Officer. Nothing can possibly train you for the intense level of frustration you are feeling now. I remember when I took both my elderly parents out to dinner, and one thing after the other was going wrong. Before I could get them in the car, a walker had broken, my dad was wandering on a busy street, my mom had denied ordering a desert and made a scene, dad's pants had fallen down....bla bla bla ... I ended up sitting on the tail gate of the car crying my brains out in the street. No one stopped to help (BTW that wouldn't happen here in Puerto Rico), but I was completely beyond my wits end. Another time, I was getting them on a plane and the battery from mom's scooter which is heavy fell off onto my big toe. Normally I would have been okay, but this time I was so busy taking care of them that I couldn't sit down and take care of myself. I ended up sitting down on the floor of the airport boarding gate crying my brains out again... this time thankfully the airline got me a wheel care and got me on the plane. Even when my Dad was crazy with Alzheimer's the site of me crying would have an impact on him, and he would try to comfort me. We lost him a couple of months ago.. crying again just thinking of those moments.
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I agree that there is nothing wrong with crying. It does release oxytocin. But I'd talk to my doc about an antidepressant. It has made a world of difference for me. It controls that chemical issues that were formerly controlling me. We raised the dose during my mom's cancer. Helped even more.
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Another example of this wonderful site showing me that so many people are going through so much pain. Trying to do "the right thing" with my 85 year old live-in Dad, has taken all of my own strength and I a!most always cry inthe circumstances described by our friends on the site.

Show me kindness, empathy and support and I crumble. My own Anger, frustration and the unending situation brings me to my knees and I cry and cry and cry. In my case, I have been capable, dependable and insightful. BUT, I have paid a huge price and now I hit my limit very early on with any new problem. I am now weakened and scared. Why have I allowed my Dad to dominate this stage of my life, just like he dominated my childhood until I left home to marry my husband, 41 years ago. Big Mistake, I should NEVER have asked my husband if Dad could move in.
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I don’t cry. I get angry, mostly because the ineptitude of “professionals” is sometimes staggering. I’m often told things that I know, from prior research, are wrong.
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These are very stressful situations and it’s hard to get everything out when you have to relay a lot of information in a small amount of time. I’ve had similar issues, and I realize then that there are some very strong emotions just below the surface that haven’t dealt with very effectively. In some of these situations I’ve sent advance emails laying out the situation so the person can read the background so I don’t have to go through it all. Of course that doesn’t mean they will, but it also helps you organize your thoughts and what you want to accomplish. Then bring it with you to help stay on track. And be sure to get enough sleep, stretch, walk, yoga, whatever and keep in mind that this too shall pass. 😉
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Prairie Lake, after reading what you’ve written I think you will see that you cry when you are feeling stressed and/or frustrated. I’ve done the same thing. It is embarrassing. I also cry when people offer me sympathy or words of condolence.
I can cry when singing hymns in church, always on spangled banner, things that are connected to memories. I read where where we look with our eyes during a potential cry actually is connected with stopping or starting a cry. It has to do with neurolinguistict programming. If you look up and to the right it’s much easier to stop crying. When we look down...the crying will get more likely. Try it...I have found it works. If I begin to feel a cry come on, I stop and direct my gaze up and to the right .
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Your post sounds just like me. My mother used to tell me I "wore my heart on my sleeve". I was in a stressful business (escrow) and used to cry when overwhelmed (or yelled at by a realtor). I cry at the drop of a hat. In this situation, caring for a loved one who s far away (my dad is 70 miles away) adds to the frustration and stress. Do not think badly of yourself. You care. And when caring gets to be too much you let off the steam in the form of tears. God bless you for all you're doing.
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It sounds like you've been blindsided with stress and your cortisol levels are probably off the charts. Suggestion: Write it down. Then talk to yourself; practice at home when you're alone. Pretend you're speaking to the professional. I've done this before meetings with social workers, doctors, etc. and it I've often ended up sounding pretty articulate. Nevertheless, I've broken down before - and so what? We didn't ask for this. Take care of yourself first - write down what needs to be done each day to get it out of your mind. Try to get some exercise even if it's just a walk around the block. You're not alone; take care.
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Dear PrairieLake, Trust me, you are not alone! When I begin to feel fearful, overwhelmed, and totally alone, the tears just begin to flow without warning, even in public! I can not prevent the flow of tears and they usually run their course and stop only when I can meditate on a few of God's scriptures I have memorized. When you are responsible for the well being of an elderly loved one and still bogged down with your own problems, it can be very daunting. Before you can make crucial decisions you must take care of yourself first. Only when you are strong emotionally/physically, can you take on the care of a loved one. I cried for 15 years knowing that I would be the one to carry my family's burdens. I had to give up caring for my mother for at least 3 years until I could heal inwardly and begin looking after my 93 year old mother in my small apartment. The one thing I do know is that you have to be still and listen to God's direction for your life. I was fortunate enough to find a support group known as Emotions Anonymous, and learned through the 12 step method of recovery that I was not in control of my emotions and had to learn how to live at peace with my unsolved circumstances. Meetings with the group helped me realize I wasn't alone and was actually hearing stories that validated my own feelings. Now with the help of this group and my higher power, I can deal with the tasks before me for just what is given to me each new day. Anxiety about the future still scares the living heck out of me, but I believe we have only the day before us to solve what comes our way. Don't live in the past and don't worry about what may come. Live with your loved one/s only for each new day given to us by God.
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Oh boy-- thanks for sharing your experience. I sure cry when facing frustrations like that! I say I do not have the "anger gene." I just let loose and cry. I rarely feel anger.

So you are not alone.

Once when getting help riding the chair lift I told the instructor that I would cry. I said just go with it. I will be fine. chris
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PrairieLake, you might find it helpful to type or write questions and comments you want to present to any professional with whom you consult. I always type as much as I can beforehand so I don't forget to mention something, and the person to whom I give it can read it faster than I can say it. In addition, by leaving a copy with the professional, there is a record of why I came and what I said.
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Wow, it's nice to know that other people cry like that. I have POA for my mother in law and I also had to put her in a nursing home. I had the monumental job of getting her qualified for Medicaid, which was a long drawn out frustrating job. I cried with just about everyone I had to deal with. Between the huge responsibility of handling her affairs and the guilt I felt for having to put her in the home, I was an emotional wreck. She is bedridden and a very large woman and I have a bad back. No one else in the family was wanting to take responsibility for her, and she asked me to do this. My guilt has caused me to act a little psycho. I literally was at the nursing home every morning and every night. I would get her anything she wanted and do anything she needed me to do. But let me warn you, burn out is very real and after carrying on this way for over a year, I have her so spoiled and it is becoming too much for me. My son who lives less than a mile from her now goes in the morning for a few minutes. I still go just about every night. I feed her and brush her teeth and listen to her talk for 2-3 hours. Sounds like I am a real "good" daughter in law, but it has become very hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love her and care about her, but my guilt has exhausted me, and the tears still flow!
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Pwhite's observation that crying is cathartic is insightful. It is. It helps channel emotions, probably more than we can deal with at that point

TNtechie's reliance on deep breathing learning during singing is another tactic I've used. I tried out and was accepted to a university choir in my early 20's and learned the REAL power of singing. Our first performance was Carmina Burana, during the Christmas season. As an encore we sang the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah.

That is one of the most magnificent chorale pieces ever composed, and singing it provides a "high" that's literally incomparable to anything, even better than fine chocolate. Schiller's Ode to Joy in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is another powerful masterpiece.

Even if you don't sing, listen to music that's powerful for you, whether it's polka, soothing Tahitian music, ethnic music, lullabies, children's songs or whatever. If the event happens when you can't sing or listen to music, take deep breaths and envision yourself singing.

IsntEasy, very good suggestion to manage the tears and use them as the strength they are.

PaulBern, your post is so sad; the heartbreak of 7 children who won't participate would literally "drive someone to tears." You have my sympathy. There will be a time when the children wish they had been closer to their parents, but then it will be too late to act on the feelings.
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You sound like you have a lot to deal with and you stress out to the max. you are a human being. how much can you take? not only you have to deal with your own issues but have to deal with dad's issues. i hope you get the help you deserve and don't feel bad for your decisions .
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I'm so glad that you see you have been neglecting you during this most stressful time. Exercise and soak on!

I wish I could actually have a good cry, don't get me wrong, I do on occasion cry a river, it's the leaking cries that I long for on days. As a child weaknesses were used to torment me, crying being at the top of the list, so you learn to shut it off, wish I could find that switch and turn it back on. You are blessed to be able to reduce your stress with tears. (I know, when it happens you feel more stress but you are changing your chemicals with tears and that is the real stress reducer)
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It is a good practice to WRITE OUT all the information you think will be needed, before you go to the doctor or whoever.
Put in CAPS the key words so it is easy to find.
Put all the details about each topic together.

The last time I went, I gave the paper to the nurse. She
sat down with me and went over the entire paper with me,
asking questions and clarifying . It was a very productive and
complete consultation. I did not feel intimidated, emotionally
involved, nor compromised in any way. I was able to treat it
all matter-of-factly.

I think the key is to have worked through the information and cry it
out during the preparation. The brain has time to process and organize
the information ahead of time so you are not being slammed by
(1) presenting all the information in an organized complete fashion
(2) the emotional distress of the condition of your loved one
(3) the pressure of the professional's presence
all at the same time and overloading yourself. You already are on max.
Cut yourself some slack. Divide and conquer. You are doing a great job.
God gave us tears as an emotional release so they are just fine. We just
want to use them at the appropriate times. I pray this will help you.
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Dear dear Prairie-my tearful heart goes out to you. I send you sincere hugs! I too am a crier. Sometimes I just hate that about myself. And I almost always dissolve into tears when talking to anyone about my husband's condition. There are many other parts to my story that add to my stress and I do put forth a valiant effort to keep it together for long periods of time, but when and if I finally get him down and sleeping, even if it is an afternoon nap sitting on the sofa, and I am alone with the tv and my convoluted thoughts, the tears roll silently down my face again. It is a lonely catharthis, but sometimes just the release of emotion helps me to drop into an exhausted sleep myself. The nights are never uninterrupted, but that is our life. I too have fibromyalgia and for four years I facilitated a support group in my community. I am in chronic pain from that and from issues with hip replacements and a badly broken ankle from two years ago, but I have learned that living with the pain, though definitely not anything I "recommend", is something I cannot avoid. I have a couple of tools that help me avoid the pitfalls of over medicating, and I know that my husband's care takes priority here. Trust me I am no martyr, and sometimes through my tears I beg for release from this prison of sorts. But finding this site has actually helped too. So please just let your tears soothe and give you strength. We cry because we must. "In the midst of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer." Albert Camus
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It's totally OK to cry - I did that when I found out that my mother was going to die 10 years ago because of lung cancer. My sister, niece, and I all sat with her up until she passed, and I let it all hang out. If you want to let it all hang out, feel free to do so. No sense in holding it all in
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Honey...you are dealing with so much....and I’m sure your taking care of everyone but you (which is what we women tend to do). But if you don’t take care of you...YOU can’t be emotionally or physically sound to take care of those you love. If your going through menopause then you’re going to be on any emotional roller coaster. So it’s essential to find something to help you. Please listen to your body because right now your body is saying “this so much please help me”. Please tell your GYN doctor what’s going on (hopefully it’s a woman)...But if you can try and do things naturally (so no side effects)...It might be a good idea to look into vitamin supplements to support your emotional health. I understand your pain my husband also suffered from a mental illness, while I cared for my father with dementia. All though this tunnel seems very dark right now...there is light at the end....and you will get there IF you take care of YOU.
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