After 55 years of marriage, which the first few years were good, the last 25/30 weren’t. He drank himself into a stupor every night then the Alzheimer’s hit. My question is for my own sanity, been diagnosed with Anxiety,depression and PTSD (due to his behavior at home)I do not want to visit him in the facility. My kids can’t understand why I am now taking care of myself and refusing to do what they expect me to do. Do I stop going or continue seeing my husband every 2 weeks? I am 80 and so is my husband.
It is very possible that your son may be looking for an apology that probably will never come. Or he is looking for some approval from his dad.
Let him do his thing that makes him comfortable and you do what makes you comfortable.
Do not let anyone tell you what emotions you should have. No one knows what is going on in your head or your heart.
Take care of yourself
I am glad that views have changed in some circles and that they no longer feel like a person must stay in an abusive and unhappy marriage.
If not then they may not be aware of what you are going through.
If they were then they must be oblivious to the lasting effects of abuse be it mental, physical, emotional.
(If you are seeing a therapist of any type it might be good for them to attend a session or two)
You do what you feel is right for you.
If you can not visit for any reason then don't .
If at some point you feel as if you "have to" then make a quick stop when you know he will be at lunch or dinner and just take a look. No need to talk or engage him in any way.
If your kids want to visit that is up to them.
Just as you would not "force" them to visit, they should not "force" you to do so.
Continue to take care of yourself.
I mentioned above if you are talking to a therapist..if you are not you might want to just to continue the validation that you are doing what is right for you.
My thought is this... You've already made a huge time investment. Given how dutiful your kids are, you obviously raised them great. I'm a little concerned that your boozing husband is going to reap all of the benefits of this work, and then when *you* need care your kids may be like those we routinely see on this forum who say things such as "why should I take care of mom when mom didn't take care of dad?"
So just to hedge your bets a little, and to preserve your multi-decade investment in the kids (sorry for this instrumentalist language...), maybe you can suck up a visit every two weeks? (If I'm reading your original post right, this will be all it takes to restore yourself in your children's eyes as doing your "duty.")
You could make each visit short and reward yourself afterwards with something you really enjoy. You might also wear a little bluetooth ear piece when you visit and enjoy your favorite music or audiobook while making the requisite caring-wife cooing sounds.
Maybe a behavioral therapists could suggest some good practical getting-through-it recommendations? This sort of thing is good to have in one's mental toolbox anyway. You could approach the whole thing as an *opportunity* to practice self-regulation. (Sorry for the warmed-over stoic philosophy here.)
Just a thought.
One wants to be authentic with one's children, of course; but you are 80 and may need to let a bit of that go in favor of strategy.
To be clear, I float this recommendation with YOU in mind, not your user/abuser husband.
I wish you peace and hope you have a long, happier life going forward.
You need to protect yourself financially as well as emotionally.
Thank you so much for your responsiveness to everyone here on Forum. It is seldom that someone writes such a comprehensive post, and then responds as people write suggestions. It is wonderful when our OPs engage in a conversation that adds to the information, and that can help.
It is a wonderful thing that your kids didn't bear the brunt of Dad's later alcoholism. And it is wonderful that they support him now. That's great good news. They can take over much of what you no longer wish to do.
Children can be demanding and unforgiving, and you must learn to live with and embrace their judgements of you while you CONTINUE to advocate for YOURSELF and your survival and movement into a new life. I think you can now only guess as how difficult that is going to be, but it is in your hands, and you can do it.
The one thing I am going to stress again is to PLEASE find an Al-Anon group. There you will meet men and women who will say things so profoundly out of YOUR OWN soul that you will be somewhat shocked. There you can share honestly your disappointment. Your kids can't and don't want or need to hear it. Al-Anon is the place for it. When they see you thrive more on your own they will be OK, will begin to let go.
If you want to pay for a TV they choose I have no problem with it, as their Dad is in care and some of the money you use likely was money he earned? It's up to you and it's your decision. The important thing to remember is that you owe NO ONE explanations. Don't let things go into argument. When people come at you just respond gently that you wish you were are certain about questions that arise in life as they are, and that they inspire you. Ha ha, they can take that as a compliment or wonder if you are serious or being sarcastic. Leave them guessing, woman!
You need to rediscover you. You need peace. To forgive and to let things go. GO TO AL-ANON. You are not alone. You need to FEEL that.
Wishing you the best.
Continue to take care of yourself. No, you do not need to visit this man every two weeks if you don't feel like it. You dedicated fifty five years to this man, please don't give him the last years out of dedication.
Interesting that all four of the daughters have been divorced 1 or 2 times, suddenly the light bulb has gone on.
This mentally level is a throwback to 50 years ago when "Daddy" was the "King" of the castle and whatever he did was just fine, as the little woman was to accept it.
If your children don't like it that you are finally standing up for yourself and doing away with the servitude role that is their problem not yours. Let them visit him and take over his care.
Do what is best for you, the clock is ticking, we only have one chance at a good life, don't miss this opportunity.
Sending support your way.
The first is with your husband. You don’t have to hate him, divorce him, or refuse to visit him. Just do what you want, when you want it. Your feelings may change over time – in either direction – so leave your options open.
The second issue is with your sons. It sounds from your ‘dates’ that the first 20 or so years of the 55 year marriage were OK, and that is the time when your sons were growing up. You can be glad for them and for you that they didn’t really see or suffer from their father’s later alcoholism. You were able to do a great job as a mother, and he was an OK father. It is no wonder that they can’t really relate to your actions now. You don’t need to convince them, or to get them to reject him because of your later problems. You have nothing to prove, and nothing to gain by proving it. If you need support, find it somewhere else.
I’d suggest that you leave your feelings and your current actions as vague as possible. Stick to white lies about ‘yes I’ve seen him quite recently’ and ‘I’m glad that the facility is working out so well’. Be positive about their own visits to him, and change the subject to them and their lives.
somehow I think adult children rationalize and normalize your husband’s behavior even though they know it is wrong.
my ex’s mother was a saint and his dad a jerk. He told me what he thought was a funny story about his dad cheating on him mom. Of course I didn’t find it funny and asked why she stayed with him after that. He said she loved him so of course she would tolerate his shortcomings as if this slip up was ok. I had no idea he was grooming me to be like his mom. I wasn’t. As soon as I knew about the cheating I was done.
I assure your sons think because you tolerated this for so long you were ok with it. Never occurred to them to think about your wellbeing. Are they more like your husband or you?
Tell your kids they can go visit him all they want. You put in 55 years of service, including raising them while under a dictatorship. I'd guess you kept your suffering hidden from your kids as well.
Go only once a month, if even that much. Enjoy your last years of life in peace...you have earned every right to do so. The kids can take their "expectations" and shove them.
Keep taking care of yourself! Not your fault he drank or has Alz. He is 100% responsible for his bad behavior. Liquor tends to kill/damage brain cells, why people have bad headaches when hung over.
Stay strong and keep going forward! Best of luck to you.
Don’t even give your husband (in name only) a second thought. Before too long, he will only be a distant memory for you.
You appear to be very self aware which is fantastic! Being self aware will serve you well. You know what you want and need at this point in your life.
The past is over and I suspect that you have done all of your reflecting. Now you’re ready to move forward and live your life exactly as you want.
Good for you for realizing that you are worthy of a peaceful existence.
Wishing you blessings, peace and joy as you live your best life now. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Take care.
Tell your children that now you need to take care of yourself , if that means not visiting , so be it . They should be supporting your decisions that will bring relief for you . You getting the care that you need is just as important .
After what your husband has put you through for 55 years, you don’t have to adhere to what your children want you to do. Tell your children that you are done with the hurt and pain that their father has put you through and you are now going to find YOUR happiness. Tell your children that their father is all theirs now and they can go and take over his care. It’s time for YOU to heal. It’s time for YOU to find the peace and happiness that YOU deserve. DO NOT feel guilty about walking away because when your husband was putting you through the psychological pain, he did not feel guilty. It’s sad that you did not walk away from this marriage years ago, but it’s not too late. You can now live the rest of your golden years in happiness and peace.
Please stay strong and do what’s best for YOU. If you care to go visit your husband you can, but you don’t have to. Praying that you will find the peace and happiness that YOU deserve.
I agree with Alva and Fawnby. You need to take care of yourself and heal.
((((Hugs))))
When FIL's first leg was amputated she told the care team she WOULD not take care of him and placed him in a nursing home. She was fine with the plan to spend down their savings to pay for his care when Medicare ceased. FIL had anesthesia related dementia post amputation and could not follow the transfer steps.
Two of her sons were outraged, my husband was not because he knew his mother was serious and he doubted her capabilities to care for her husband due to her mental illness issues. The other brothers secretly removed him from the nursing home and dumped him back with their mom saying it was her job to take care of him. Neither hung around to help, both lived several states away.
Their story took a twist as MIL's vascular dementia went hardcore. Husband and I had to move both of them into a nursing home in our state. FIL and MIL's siblings wanted them kept apart on different wings as they had endured years of the two hating each other. All of the elderlies felt the other family was to blame.
MIL ( mid stage vascular dementia) refused to be in a different room at the nursing home and kept crawling into FIL's bed. The nursing home put them in the same room and they were very happy together - for the first time in decades. Lasted only 5ish months as FIL launched himself out of his wheelchair, tore his intestine and was placed on hospice as no surgeon felt it was responsible to leave him in his demented state with a colostomy bag.
MIL mourned him for about a week before coloring her hair red and looking for another nursing home partner.
As far as "The psychiatrist wants me to go on meds but I refused. I need a clear mind to make some serious decisions" goes, antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds help clear your mind so you CAN make serious decisions. When I had PTSD in 2000, my head was so muddled and I was so anxiety ridden, that I was unable to function. Going on Paxil changed all that and helped me TO think clearly and function once again.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this. Take care of yourself now, you deserve to.
Your kids don't get to call the shots in your marriage or in the rest of your life, either. Be honest with them. Don't they know that he was drunk every night? If they don't, tell them. Inform them that you did your duty as you understood it to be throughout the ordeal of your marriage. Now you are asking for their understanding and love (understanding that they apparently are giving to their dad despite his past behavior).
I wouldn't blame you for never going to see your husband. What's the point? The marriage appears to have been over for a long time.
Tell them that you and your husband were lost to one another long ago.
And I would imagine your husband is increasingly more lost now even to himself.
In all truth, he may now be given some of the most non-judgemental love he has had in a while, and he is in a whole new community (such as it is).
And that you hope they will continue any loving visits to him that they wish to make.
But that you now, finally, at 80, will be making decisions for your own peace and well-being.
For me, had I chosen to stay, I would own that.
I would take responsibility for my choice in the matter and tell myself ALL the reasons I DID stay. I would then forgive myself. Because having children and choosing to leave something financially safe isn't always an option for many. You did the best you could. You are STILL doing the best you can.
I would tell my children that I have made choices for my own life, and that they will have to live with that as I live with their given rights to make their own choices in their own lives.
I would invite my children to go to Al-Anon with me; there I would seek support and community.
Then I would make the decision I felt best for ME. I have been to Al-Anon in the past. They were wonderful support, non-judgemental and helpful; and you will find as many divergent opinions as you find in your own children, but the love and community is an awning over all.
I wish you the best. Your husband is in care. My brother was once in an abusive relationship in which his partner would abuse him and then come back begging. When finally my brother had the courage to leave this needy man he cried to me "But who will take CARE of Jose" (who was then ill with HIV. I told him that I as an RN could assure him that Jose would receive the loving care of the nurses and aids in the medical community. Your hubby will have that as well.
I hope you'll update us on your journey. Best to you and my heart goes out to you. You will receive a whole lot of criticism. They will tell you that you did not leave when he was well and you can't while he is ill. But the truth is that you cannot save everyone. Sometimes you can only swim for shore.