Downsizing: What worked best for you?

Gosh, I am not the person to answer this question because my mother lost everything but the clothes on her back and and the few other things that she packed to evacuate for Hurricane Katrina.

Katrina destroyed her entire home and it’s contents.

I will let others answer this question.

Good luck!

Try...
"Mom, we are going to have to move you to a new apartment. What dresser do you want, the tall dark brown one or the short one? (Doing this you have given her a choice but a limited one so she still feels like it is her decision.)
You really only need 1 night stand, I am going to keep the other one in our spare bedroom." (doing this she may feel she is not really getting rid of it that it will be put to use...do with it what you want once she has moved.)
"Fancy" clothing she probably will not use again, keep maybe 1 or 2 better outfits. the rest you can tell her you will keep in storage. Donate any clothing that she has not worn in a while. "Vintage" items you might want to check with a local theater group or the local high school arts department and see if they want any items.

Congrats on such a find.

I like Grandma's short, simple decision approach "big or small dresser?" Also I'd try to avoid late afternoon decisions or whenever you see fatigue or frustration.

Another idea I've heard of is by theme. Ask her how she wants her new place to be, to feel & look then choose for her to meet that 'theme'.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a professional stylist or organiser? Bet they cost big time.

I'll just lurk here as I'll need all the help I can get with this too!
DH & I have downsize plans + elders both sides will need to do one day... Siblings are sentimental about Every Thing - execpting zero help there. They can strore & pay but I won't. Why pay storage for items not in use? Thank it & say goodbye, Marie Kondo style.

When I moved my parents into a smaller living situation, I measured each room and drew out a floor plan. We went room by room deciding which larger pieces of furniture were necessary and which would fit in their new space. Some of these decisions were done over FaceTime because I moved them before their house sold and then shipped everything that would fit in the new place after their old house sold. We started the purge with trash and any duplicate items and then sold or donated anything that wasn’t going to fit in the new space. We ended up getting rid of a ton of stuff and they haven’t asked for anything that is “missing”. They still have way too much stuff but I didn’t want to fight them on everything so their bookshelves are full and they have lots hung on the walls but it is manageable and they seem happy to have the things that did make the trip to the new space.

I think I would like to move there - really nice find!

We made all the decisions for the folks. Named a week all of the siblings were available and told them this was the only chance to get what they wanted while helping us move the essentials. The staff had suggested we furnish rooms "lightly" for future wheelchairs, etc. Everything not taken was donated that week or tossed. Their community garbage service brought a large dumpster and would change it out for a new one when we called. I think we did 3 dumpsters of stuff. The neighbors who had been so kind to them were also invited to select furniture and belongings.

The older relatives were a little shocked. The three kids all lived out of state, we sold the house within 3 weeks of the clean out.

Once she’s moved to her new place, she’ll probably forget about the stuff that’s so important she wants to keep it. Get rid of as much as you can and rent a small storage unit for the rest. You can go there from time to time and take a load of it to her favorite charity. She’ll never know or care.

Just a question, why does Mom need a 2 bed 2 bath apt?

If she puts stuff in a box to get rid of then get rid of it. It doesnt matter if she forgets because she already decided to toss the stuff in the box. Are you asking her twice about items she agrees to discard?

I "kinda sorta" started this myself.
There is a "thing" called Swedish Death Cleaning. The idea is you go through things and get rid of them or organize in a way so that upon your death relatives are not faced with a monumental task.
Since I am not dying....at least anytime soon as far as I know...I did what I called Swedish Invalid Cleaning. Pretty much the same idea but not quite as intense. In a week or two I did get rid of a lot of things. A lot went to the curb on garbage day but a lot went to a resale shop in town. (Now I just know I can't shop there for a few weeks 😂) And on that note..if I do shop when I get something new to me I will try to get rid of at least 1 thing.
I think we all collect more stuff than we really need and I am trying to change that in myself. Not all bargains are bargains if they end up getting tossed later on.

You want to do this all at once and be done. Good for you. I did it in bits and pieces and it seemed to have gone on forever. Actually, I still have boxes of Mom's stuff in my storage over a year after her death. To assisted living she didn't have as large a space as your mom will have, so it's great that your mom will get to take quite a bit of her furniture. But then there's the possibility that she'll have to downsize again. At one point, when Mom was in nursing home in a hospital bed, all her furniture had to come back to the house, I had a dumpster for absolute junk, a yard sale that didn't get rid of much, and then gave away the bulk of it to a friend who just finished his basement and had to furnish it. It was covid lockdown and the resale places wouldn't take anything. You might look into getting her smaller furniture or taking only her smaller items. She'll eventually need space to get around and it'll make her life simpler. I think there are people you can hire to help you with this. I retained my mom's home care person for a week after Mom's move to help me. That might have saved my life, as she also took turns with me helping Mom get settled at assisted living.

When we downsized mom and dad from a 3,000sf home to an 800sf apartment, it took us 3 YEARS. Yup, YEARS.

If I had to do it again--and I sure hope not--I would probably not be so 'kind' about it. Mom looked at everything with such a sense of ownership and longing. Realistically, they could have put everything in storage and then paid those enormous storage fees for the rest of their lives, b/c they just WANTED all their stuff. But, why?

We did finally get to the stage where we just gave mom choices: How many 9x13 pans do you really need? 10 (that you have) or 1? She had a very hard time making decisions! We ended up, at the end, just making one sided decisions and she 'lost' a lot of things that she wanted.

Dad really didn't care. He was losing the house he'd built and there was no getting around that. (OB 'borrowed' the equity in their home and lost it in a bad business deal. That's why mom and dad had to sell and move. Heartbreaking.)

We did have to get 'brutal' about some things and to this day I feel badly about it. But mom could not make decisions, and was frozen in place.

SO MUCH was junk. Not to be rude, just saying. JUNK. And she saved everything, every bank statement for the past 42 years, every card, everything. That was the stuff that was hard to get her to let loose.

I let this memory of how awful it was to pack and move mom & dad guide me as I am still purging my 'new to us' house of stuff we brought here that we do not need. I try to toss 1-2 garbage bags of stuff per week. And take one box/bag to GoodWill per month. Or more. I have a lot of closets and many of them are completely empty. It's a good feeling!

I'm finding that the older I get, the less I want all this 'stuff' around me.

After mom passed, YB went a little crazy and had mom's apt completely emptied in 48 hrs. It caused some ruffled feathers, as he didn't do it with an eye to what had been 'promised' to various family members--he just wanted it EMPTY. It was his way of mourning mom, and of erasing 25 years of non-stop caregiving.

That's one way to do it, but I gurantee it will cause some hurt feelings. I don't think YS has spoken to him since the funeral. Luckily, I didn't want ANYTHING from her house, so I didn't care, just felt sorry for YB and his frantic purging.

IMHO, there is NO one way to do this without there being a lot of emotions involved. Good and bad. Prepare for some anger, sorrow and sadness.

I moved my dad from a 4 bedroom 3 story house with attic and basement into a 1 bedroom assisted living apartment. I didn't ask him to go through his things with the idea of what needed to downsize; I approached it to how did he want to decorate his new apartment. Then we moved those things, decorated the apartment, moved his personal items and then I attacked the house. We only kept family photos, a couple of boxes of keepsakes, and financial paperwork. All furniture, housewares, china, etc were disposed of - donate, sell, trash. Once it's out of sight it is generally quickly out of mind. Sometimes he'll ask about something he remembers I I just say "Oh, that's in a box in my downstairs closet." or "I know it's in one of the boxes in the attic." even if you know you got rid of it. He rarely asks again as it seems to be a random thought and he doesn't really want it; he just wants reassurance.

If you ask them to go through their things with the idea of getting rid of them it is heartbreaking so try not to do that so explicitly. Just get moved into the new place and take over doing it disposals yourself. And occassional little white lies will help.

When we were downsizing my grandmother from a house to an independent living situation, I used masking tape to lay out her new living room in her huge current one. This was intended to give her an idea of how big her new space was and what could realistically fit in it. She was completely competent, so this was her decision.

She was LIVID.

She was the one who signed up for this place, not me, but she had zero concept of what the space really would be like with her furniture. Still, we worked out what could fit, and we arranged furniture within that outline. Everything else went into the estate sale, and in the end she was more excited about the money the sale brought in than about the "stuff."

As it was, she never went to that IL place, and she spent her final years sharing a bedroom in her niece's house. The furniture we selected went into a storage unit at $200/month (such a waste), because she was always "almost ready" to move to IL.

Dear Groovygal,
The hubs and I moved my parents into assisted living.
Cleaning out the house was quite a big project. I would loathe to have to do it again. There was a lot of stuff accumulated over 60 years. For example, there was over 300 glasses for every beverage
imaginable. The Hubs and I chose to tackle the project head on with no storage unit. We felt that it was just an avoidance tactic. I also let my parents and sibling know that my house was not a storage option. We would not allow our home and garage to be filled to the brim waiting for my parents to make decisions on who got what.
As you can imagine this did not go over very well with them. It was a very stressful time and if I had to do it again I would probably just let my parents put their stuff in storage knowing it would sit forever and I would make sure that my sibling who lives out of state be the contact for whatever needs to be done and wash my hands of the matter. I learned a lot of things about my family during this time and most of them were very interested in my parents possessions and not my parents, even though they sat at their holiday table for over 50 years.

When I moved my father into assisted living we only took a few things because quite frankly most of his stuff smelled of urine. We used his money to buy a new couch, recliner, & bed. Took his dresser and nightstand and some personal items. Got rid of a lot of his clothing. Kept a few things at my house just in case but for the most part I got him all new.

Groovy; When mom moved to Independent Living, she went first to a respite unit that was furnished. When she decided that she was going to stay, we moved a couple of pieces of her furniture and some clothes into the new unit. Everything else, my sil and brother purchased (on her dime of course) from Bob's. Stuff that fit into the rooms. Because rooms in apartments tend to be smaller than rooms in houses.

I cleared out mom's house (lived in from 1956-2011) in an epic purge over my Department of Education summer break (June-Aug). Took most of the housewares to Goodwill; saved the good stainless and silverplate for my kids, told everyone to come and take what they wanted.

Called the Salvation Army and had them take the rest of the furniture. Then Brother called JunkLuggers or one of those services.

Then, there was the garage (Daddy's realm). Took my brother 3 years to clear that out (lots of hazardous waste stuff--DDT, asbestos based stuff). My father never met a chemical he didn't want to save.

I cleared out 50 years of tax returns, old greeting cards, unused toasters and blenders. I put loads of stuff at the curb and was gratified by the folks who came by and walked away looking happy that they'd found a treasure. It meant that what mom loved was going to be loved by someone else.

In your shoes, needing to do a quick sale, I would have movers take EVERYTHING to storage and purge it, without mom's "help" over the course of a month or two. If you are ruthless, go every weekend for a couple of weeks, you can get this done.

DO NOT put this stuff in front of your mom to choose from. That way lies madness.

I know I already put my 2cents' worth in here--but I wanted to add that long term storage with those "PODS" in insanely expensive. A great way to MOVE, but for storage? I was 'helping' a friend pack for a move 800 miles away. We completely filled 3 storage pods (the biggest ones they had) and the garage was still full of stuff--could have filled 2 more.

This woman would not let go of anything!

I paid for the pods b/c she had absolutely no money and made her sign a contract that she would pay me back once her house sold. She ended up not moving and I was out almost $4K, for delivery and storage in her driveway only. This was the cost for >3 months usage.

Moving these pods to one of the company's storage sites and having to pay for delivery of them would have run another $700+ PER pod.

So take that into consideration when you are thinking you can just pick away at a storage pod or unit. It's a slow and incredibly depressing thing to do.

She BEGGED me for help and I worked with/for her for almost 4 months---(Long, long backstory here). I'd go every morning and work for 6-8 hrs and maybe throw away one contractor's bag of junk. Maybe.

When she decided not to move--I was FURIOUS. I never went to help her again. She asked me why and I told her "L, you BROKE me. You wouldn't even open your MAIL...we had to save it all. I just can't anymore". She was very, very angry, and I learned a lesson.

The out of sight--out of mind idea is good on paper, but if that's how you choose to deal with this move, you will get less and less motivated to work.

(BTW, the neighbors were all helping too, it was not just me. They got together and collected $$ and I was made 'whole' over the cost of the Pods. Lesson learned)

Mid, I HEAR you!!

I wouldn't use pods.

When I moved, post divorce from my house and my newly purchased coop wasn't ready yet, I paid the moving company to store my stuff for a couple of weeks. It wasn't that expensive.

I did move some books, boxes of papers and excess household stuff to a UHaul locker for a couple of months. The cost was great incentive to toss vigorously and ruthlessly.

I'm still independent at 67 in my CA two bedroom condo with its rain leaking problems but without local relatives. Recently, when I complained how hard it is for my required ownership responsibilities with only remote family support, the HOA manager suggested I sell my two-bedroom condo and move closer to some out -of-state family where it may be less expensive. I told her it was not for her to tell me to sell my place and move.

Moving is expensive, and I cannot afford to relocate on my limited income and resources. Our family was all permanently split up decades ago from foster care.

Years ago, my remote family verified and compared SF vs OR and TX shelter costs and advised me against moving. And, what independent living is affordable where I live or elsewhere?? I own my own place outright with all my precious things in it; just need shelter comfort. With my disability and no local support, this type of life event would be traumatic for myself move away from the lovely place in the Bay Area to an unfamiliar area outside of CA with unforeseen fun, volunteer work, limited public transit and unknown healthcare to use.

It's very likely that my future moving is reserved for when I'm forced out if unable to care for myself from my lovely condo of 32 plus years to an AL or NH just like my late mother was in 2013 when she could no longer care for herself. I sure hope the condo will sell with a decent fixer price.

So, I live nicely with some nice neighbors and just a few friends. Meanwhile, I use my free time to go through drawers, cabinets and closets to consolidate. It's very hard to eliminate things I lived with most of my life and will think out the purpose of each item. Will I use this item or that? I want to make one of three decisions, either keep, donate or trash, like I did when I had worked at Goodwill employment. I want to keep the mahagony highboy its matching desk that was my late mother's, and the nice nightstand. Who will help me decide when I cannot? Maybe I won't care about anything except comfort at the time. I say, God, don't keep me around until I'm 90 and using up my resources in some dumpy NH with unknown or even lack of staff to care for me.

My mom was already in a rented 2 bedroom house when she had to move out pretty quickly. She was loathe to get rid of ANYTHING and was horrified that my siblings and I were throwing out things like old wrapping paper and bags etc. She begged us to store it in a storage place and then she moved in with different family members for 6 years and then to an adult home. Occasionally, she would ask where something was and we would tell her we would get it from storage and then she never asked about it again.

We stored those things for 7 YEARS without ever going near the storage unit again. There was a huge bill of about $6,000.00 dollars when she died this September which came out of our inheritance. What a waste! We got all the family and grandkids together to help clean it out in a month but everyone took very little; they are all well established already. It was such a hassle to do right after she died because I had to go running all over to get anything disposed of. After Covid most businesses (SalvationArmy, Goodwill) were no longer picking up donations and we had to make arrangements with a place for homeless women with much aggravation from me since I was 1 hr. away from the storage unit and had to keep going there so people could pick up things.

Never again!!! Do not store things in a unit as your mom will probably never need them again. The only good that came out of this is I am making sure I don't leave my kids with the same mess.

Cleaning a house and selling may take around 4 months depending on selling conditions and what it will sell for. Do not expect high prices on furniture unless there are antiques. This is based on cleaning and selling as an executor for one family member and most important, moving my mom and her sister into IL. They moved in first with just the right amount of furniture. Then my brother and I did the clean out and sale. My mom and aunt were clueless on what to pack due to living in one place for 50 years. Once moved in, they did not miss a thing. We took them back as we were cleaning out in case they saw something they wanted. By then they were already oriented as to the size of their apartment.
The main stuff to hold on to which helps with aging memory are the photos and family memorabilia. I stored some in boxes at my home and rotated them in and out.
So if you can tolerate a few months of her being in a facility until the house sells, you keep a financial list until payback.

When we downsized my parents we threw away everything that couldn't be salvaged i.e. stained, broken, bad shape due to nicotine, holes or worn. My mom has dementia, when she was around for downsizing it caused a lot of anxiety. We found it easier not to do it in her face. For mom, I kept necessities and threw the rest away. In her case, she had zero sentimentality about stuff and didn't seem to even realize her massive amount of stuff was gone. We kept her bedroom set for her, dresser, end table, tv, lamp.

I didn't keep fancy outfits/gowns or sandals and heels she couldn't wear. Nothing that almost fit or didn't. It took 3 days just to sort mom's room. I didn't keep 20 of her 22 purses. I pretty much put aside (to keep)her comfortable clothing, a few cardigans and pajamas, under 10 of each tops and pants, and sneakers.

My dad still had his faculties, so he did his own sorting of what he wanted. He kept trying to get me to do a yard sale, which was completely out of the question. That stuff would have had to be stored, I just didn't have the time or space to do that. A majority went to garbage, because of the nicotine. He kept making snarky comments about how all his stuff was garbage. I just couldn't do it the way he wanted. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He doesn't miss any of it.

If I had to do it again, I'd start with necessary furniture first. If there was more space in the new place then add in 2nd choice furniture items. Same with everything else 1st choice items, if space add in 2nd choice items. If your mom is sentimental ask her about her choices for those items. Items like expired canned goods, worn out clothing, things gathering dust due to being unused etc... I tossed without asking. If they didn't realize it was there, they won't miss it. Those were the things we got rid of. It's an undertaking for sure. In the end the lack of clutter made things easier for them, less confusing and less overwhelming. Start earlier rather than later...if you can months before.

I would first take mom to look at the empty unit, and sitting in the empty unit, make a list of what she needs (number of bedroom sets, sofas chairs, tables, rugs, art, etc, that mom will need. Then go home and let her choose from what she has to go in the new place. Ask mom who or what charity she wants the other things to go to, or if ahe wants to do an eatate sale. Ensure that the friends and/or family members come and get items they want. Afterwards and/or in place of this you can have an estate sale handle the rest or a charity (some charities will actually come pick up the items). Assure her you will be keeping sentimental items such as family bibles, photo albums and legal documents. It sounds like a wonderful plan for your mom! My FIL refused this option, and continued to hoard. It is nearly a year after his death, and we are still cleaning out the hoard so that we can clean, repair, and lease the house.

You’re moving her to a larger apartment just to have to do this again to a smaller one later? As you’ll soon know first hand, moving her once is the preferred choice. My mom wanted a two bedroom. Nope. She couldn’t afford a two bedroom and it wouldn’t change anything - it would just prolong the suffering for all involved!

with memory issues already apparent, sounds like you’ll be moving her from IL to assisted living and then to memory care. Why?!

my sister did the approach of letting mom look at each item and decide. Torture for my mother and all of us that had to hear her dramatics around it.

storage is a bad idea. My mother is paying for a climate controlled storage closet my sister filled with nonsense that will never be needed again. Eventually one of us will have to go and get rid of the junk out of it.

this isn’t the time for a memory impaired person to make decisions that will impact you.

out of sight is real. She won’t remember what all she had and even if she did - so what? Rip the bandaid. Don’t prolong suffering for you both.

You are not helping your mother with these steps .. the temporary larger apartment will make her angry when she has to move to a smaller one. The small temporary storage you know she doesn’t need .. she gets to be angry once when you rip the bandaid … or many times as she continues to have to step down .. ultimately, the question is, why are you doing this to yourself? She won’t remember. You will.

If someone said to me today, you need to go through all of your things and decide what can fit into a small apartment....I would be overwhelmed. I can't imagine giving the task to someone with dementia. You know what will fit into her new space and what she really truly needs. If she can't remember what she put into a box five minutes ago, she isn't going to remember what she left behind a month ago. Move the things she will need, keep some of the heirlooms or things that mean something to you and get rid of the rest. Her next move will be smaller than this one and you will have to pick and choose again what to get rid of.

If you are worried she will call you out on getting rid of something, move those things into the garage of the home, if there is one, and work on the cleaning, floors and painting to get the house ready to sell. If she doesn't ask about it for a month, then you can donate or sell the items.

This is probably going to be more of an emotional move for you than her.
When you are outfitting her apartment, think minimalist, think functionality, think safety. Nothing she can fall and konk her head on or trip over. Less is more.

Don't be surprised once you move her if you notice that she needs even more care...

Good Luck.

There are some very caring companies that actually help sort through items and encourage the person along the way . Look for companies in your area that specialize in this. They also can help with movers . Worth the money for sure.

When we moved our step-father & wife into AL, we made the decisions and did all the packing, if we had not, we would still be there waiting for them.

Same with my mother, she made some furniture choices we did the rest. Moved her first then cleaned out the house and put it up for sale.

Each time we completed the job in a week, put the houses up for sale, have done this several times, my brother & I operate like machines.

I must admit I do not understand the moving her into a large apartment, to do this all over again, why not just move her into AL and be done with it? Find a place that has a step up program if she should need MC in the future. What does she need 2 bedrooms for? Visitors can stay in a motel.

I have to agree with the last paragraph of MeDolly's response. Multiple moves is challenging for the elderly, particularly those with memory issues. I know you're doing the best you can here, just look at all the options?

Cleaning out my mother's house WITH her proved to be impossible. She's gone now, I'm living in her house and still trying to clean it out. (Right, not going to leave stuff for my kids!) Help her choose what she wants with her and leave the rest until she has moved. If she wants to give you something, say "thank you" and take it. Then do with it what you want. My sisters and I wish we had done more of that. She carefully (or not) saved what she wanted to pass on and was sure we would be grateful to have. I'm afraid we trampled on her heart by saying we didn't want it.

Went through this ourself, suddenly last year. Moved from 2400 house with large garbage/store to 1300 sq ft apartment, 2 br, 2 bath. We did it in a few days. Done over (boy, your sr living sounds fabulous, and a fabulous deal, where is it?) I would have taken a month at minimum to move in Would take necessities first, and other things over time as room and need presented themself. Still, got rid of stuff I should have kept, and vice-versa. I would do the three pile theory. Absolutely keep, think it over for a bit, and get rid of the dumb stuff now. It will be painful. no matter what. Pop your Mom into the apartment and bring things over she really misses or needs over time. Good luck.

Dear Groovygal, Here is my 2 cents. I agree with others that one move is better than several. Find a nice place that can offer a continuum of care. If she is forgetful already I suspect assisted living would be the way to go.

I have done this twice, for mother-in-law, and also for my mother. Her is what we did. Start with the basic furniture needs and measure to make sure it will fit the space in the apartment. Select not what to get rid of, rather the focus is on what to take with you, Mom. That basically means furnish one bedroom and a small seating area--large family gatherings can be done in one of the facillity's gathering rooms. Dining room is not needed other than small table for snacks, morning coffee or to play cards with friends. She may want a display cabinet for "pretty dishes " and to store photo albumns and books if she still reads. Add the TV and a couple side tables with lamps. You have the basics. You just need to take towel sets and bathroom equipment.

All meals are furnished so no kitchen pans are needed other than a few items for snacking and heating up leftovers. I made sure there was a half dozen set of microwavable dishes. Don't forget flatware, glasses, cups, dish drainer, towels and wash cloths.

Clothing selection? Sort out items that no longer fit or are shabby and get rid of them. (Your mother will no longer be deep cleaning or gardening.) For my clothes hoarding mother, I looked to move only the clothes I knew she wore. If it had tags on it, donate it. It might be time for her to gift her jewelry to those she wants to inherit the items. Otherwise move her accesories that she will use.

You decide on decor to fit the space. She will want lots of family pictures. And do not forget the holiday items that will fit in the space. Many assisted living homes have storage areas for the Christmas tree and ornament boxes--be sure to ask.

That gives you a frame work. My family found that the furniture selection was best done with limited choices and with the assistance of the family member who could best emotionally detach.

Good Luck