Hello all,
I’m in a situation where I’ve been helping look after my aging mom for a long time. Longer than I should. We have recently gotten her a caregiver/helper 3 days a week, but I’ve noticed that tasks and chores are falling by the wayside. The caregiver is asked to do things that mom cannot safely ordinarily do, one of which is taking the garbage to the curb, or watering the outside plants, things that are hard for her. Lately, it’s this: “Oh I forgot to ask her, and now the trash needs to go out.” She doesn’t remember to ask the carer to do it but the minute she sees me she remembers.
As I was there yesterday doing a few odds and ends, she called me today and said that she wants some more Christmas decorations hung. I told her, “Why didn’t you ask me this yesterday.” And I flat out told her that I really didn’t want to go out anywhere today.
So, because of this, she is not turning on any of the decorations we’ve already hung for her, “my house can stay dark through christmas,” “I won’t be turning my lights on outside anymore.”
Mom has neuropathy that they say is idiopathic, all her blood tests and other tests are normal for someone her age, but is clearly depressed and continues to lash out at me time and again, and expect me to swoop in and help. I told her how busy I am at work (think 50-60 hours a week) and she says, “Well I guess I better be doing more for myself. I get the message, ok.” When I asked what that meant, she said “Oh I get the feeling, message received ok” just because I said I was in meetings all day.
I can’t handle this much longer.
from 1 daughter to another daughter...
i, like many others on this website, also have an abusive situation with LOs.
your mother's answers:
"I won’t be turning my lights on outside anymore.”
“Oh I get the feeling, message received ok”
very aggressive.
and not showing any compassion/empathy for your situation (for example, you just had meetings all day).
(by the way, this is typical of abusive people. no empathy for you, for your point of view) (indeed they're not interested in your point of view, except perhaps as an opportunity to yell at you again).
and she probably wants you to get all worked up/angry/upset/frustrated/hurt/feel used...
(those are all negative feelings, as opposed to being happy) (some LOs don't want you to be happy)
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by the way, i don't think she would treat you like this, if you were a man/son.
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you're a woman.
you're younger.
your mother is jealous.
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she wants to make your life difficult.
she wants to punish you, when you say, "no, i can't do X for you right now."
some LOs want TOTAL control of you.
...if you do X, they'll scream/insult you while you're helping them with X. every contact is an opportunity for abuse.
...if you can't do X for them right now, some LOs scream/insult/blame/accuse/lie. tantrum strategy (it's a conscious strategy). they abuse even more. want to hurt you even more. make your life hell.
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protect yourself.
make yourself unavailable.
i do think we should help our LOs.
but we must find the right balance.
too much is not good.
too little (in my opinion) isn't good either.
i do understand that every situation is unique, and one can find exceptions to every sentence anyone on this website writes/intending to give good advice.
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i have a general comment about helping our elderly parents, whether they're abusive or very sweet, either way:
no one was born on this planet to be sacrificed.
(and normally it's the daughter who's sacrificed).
really? were we given food, water, education, so that later, our elderly parents STEAL our lives?
again, i do think we should help our elderly parents.
it's a question of the right balance.
how much do i help them vs. how much do i help me/my life.
you weren't born, and your parents looked at you and said, "hi baby, now YOU'RE MARRIED TO US. by being born, you have given vows to help us forever, even if it totally destroys your life and robs you of your life. we'll give you some food and water, and then later your life belongs to us."
no.
obviously, your life belongs to you.
please don't be another sacrificed daughter.
there are millions of sacrificed daughters.
it's not just you:
it's a structural thing within our world.
...sacrificing 1 daughter after another.
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there are solutions.
sometimes things look hopeless (many elderly people don't have much money; there aren't many choices)...
keep looking for solutions.
this is my personal opinion (i'm not saying this works for everyone) (it depends on so many factors):
in my family, we will try to avoid facilities. my LOs will stay home.
in-home care.
if absolutely necessary, a facility will be used (my LOs even agree).
i believe we will be able to avoid it until the end.
....where i live facilities are absolutely awful.
...and anyway, my LOs are incredibly happy at home. they love everything about their home.
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many of us are the only one helping.
(siblings dumped it all on us)
again, keep looking for solutions.
dump problems on them.
don't let them get away with it.
you might spend days/years being angry against siblings --- and it's totally justified!!
you'll feel so much better, if somehow, there's a way of making it more even.
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loving parents want you to be happy and successful, to live a full life.
to see you happy and successful, should bring great joy to your elderly parent/s!
you were raised to be independent, to go for it!
to be an inspiration to all (kind to others, AND to yourself).
I suggest you sit your mom down one of these days, take her hands in yours, and thank her sincerely for everything she's taught you over the years, especially how not to be a good mother. Tell her you've taken all those lessons to heart, and now you know to act in exactly the opposite way of how she has acted.
Then go home and live your life free of any guilt or burdens. Mama doesn't always get to make the rules of the game, you know. ;-)
The best way through being manipulated--being the whipping post-- is to embrace it, own it, and treat it with humor and understanding, then move on with your day.
The answer to "Well, I guess I better be doing more for myself" is "Absolutely. If you need things done on a certain schedule it is best you do them for yourself. Basically the choice you have, my dear, is to do it yourself, or wait until someone has time to help you".
You are being manipulated and she finds the game-of-words entertaining. She's quite good at it. These people in fact become MASTERS of it, able to twist anything you might say. So stop her in her track with a playful "Yes. I am just so very bad that sometimes I can't even STAND my OWN self". Give a gentle laugh, say you will talk to her later when her mood is better, and hang up the phone.
I think you are frustrated that you are so easily sucked into her mean game. So it is on you to learn another way for yourself. People like this are unhappy, and won't be happy until you are as well.
I would begin to withdraw. All you are doing for her, including decorations, will never make you the "good girl". You will never get the gift of her love and appreciation. Put those efforts forward for friends who appreciate them, and let her stew in her unhappy world. She likely has no interest in changing. You can't help her. Time to accept your limitations. Time to accept YOURSELF. OWN being the bad guy, if that's what she wants you to be, and get some fun out of it. And let others who are PAID for it put up with her nasty manipulation.
I would be very surprised if you was ever any different.
My Mother's manipulation was pretty easy to handle. It was clear to see. Based on her own anxiety/panic I suppose. The 'this needs doing or XYZ will happen!!' Oh well. You can call the fire department or the police then.
My kids do it back to me now!
My MIL's anxiety is more subtle. Waves her manipulation wand more discreetly - where I don't see it but her kids feel it. It seeps like an underground spring. Hints to flying monkey #1, who phones #2 & then my DH. Luckily my DH is a plain talker & will ask directly what is being asked & by whom. Cuts out the crap.
My MIL was passive-aggressive but very subtle. Always with a smile. For years she tried to get us to move to Fla. My DH never responded "it will never happen" just went along without saying anything. Think that's how all 3 sons dealt with her, easier just to say "yes Mom" and then do their own thing. She got me one day. I told her that No we would never be moving to Fla. Mom was now a widow and I was the oldest, the daughter and lived the closest. She said to be bring her with me. I said No, she has her Church and her friends. My MIL said to that "we all need to compromise". We all but her.
Keep your boundries and like said, have your comebacks. Make a game out of it. Mom is the problem, not you. A note to the aides would be nice. Ask if they could please do the following while there because Mom is not capable of doing them. Then say thank you in advance. Do not disable Mom. If you know she is capable of doing, then tell her she needs to do it. Ask before you leave if there is anything she needs u to do because "I won't be able to get back till Saturday". Then when she calls, "Sorry Mom I told you I couldn't come before Saturday". No reason why u can't come just you can't.
Your work schedule does not give you time to jump everytime she thinks you should. The world is so much different than the world she grew up in. Its not so much children don't want to be there for a parent, children can't be there. Jobs, homes and families of their own. This got me:
“Well I guess I better be doing more for myself. I get the message, ok.” When I asked what that meant, she said “Oh I get the feeling, message received ok” just because I said I was in meetings all day."
I would not have asked "what did u mean by that" I would have said "maybe you should do more for yourself" put it back on her. Don't play into it. "Sorry can't, I have meetings all day" period. Tell her she has aides for a reason. You honor Mom by doing what you can when you can. You make sure she is safe and cared for. Remember that...
No is a one word sentence, no explanations needed.
When telling someone "No" you are not responsible for the way they react to ur "No".
"Well you don't know what it's like to have all these (health) problems."
"No, I don't, but I know it doesn't mean it's ok to talk to your daughter that way." And out the door I went. Small apology later of course.
Mom does not have dementia, she has severe depression and has blamed her lashing out and raging on me on it. I finally told her to get her brain chemistry in a better place (the antidepressants). She didn't like that, but at this point that's too bad.
I could ignore it for only so long. When she landed in rehab after a 17-day hospitalization for a gallbladder infection (they wouldn't remove it because of her age), I could feel the stress ratcheting up. I would get constant calls from her at the rehab telling me they were trying to kill her. One time the PT called me for her. It was at this point that I told one of the 2 POA brothers that I could not continue without monetary compensation. (I'd brought it up at one point with my mother and she was furious -- "You don't pay family!") We agreed upon an hourly rate ($20), and I got compensated from that point on. I even got back-pay. It was gifted to me by my mother (my brother signing the checks as POA). She never knew. No contract needed, since she would never qualify for Medicaid.
I know many (including here) would be appalled that I charged for caregiving (and it wasn't hands-on, as she was in a facility and even when she wasn't, I never lived with her nor vice-versa). But treating my duties as a job made it so much easier for me mentally. I decided that my mental health was important.
I felt that her losing her filter was bringing out how she'd always felt about me. I was mostly a disappointment to her.
My guesses are;
Attention seeking behaviour.
(Lonely)
Short term memory problems.
(Can't remember to ask aide or what aide replied)
Power tripper.
(Loves to watch you jump & dance to her command)
Anxious.
(Has to be done NOW or the house will fall down/catch fire etc).
Shy/Fearful.
(Too shy to ask non-family for help)
You could play detective & see what behaviour you think is causing it..
Or side step the lot. Hey, Mom yeah if you want that done I can on my next visit (in 2 weeks) or you can ask someone else if more urgent.
I finally told her that it's unfortunate that she doesn't want to utilize what we've done for her, and that when we CAN get to it we'd be happy to put the rest up.
"I always have to WAIT! All my life I've waited for someone else."
So I told her, metaphorically, "You either pick your own lock, or wait for the locksmith."
She's been nicer and in a better mood toward me since.
Let Mom ask directly for what she wants. She seems to have no problem ordering the OP. Call it confidence boosting for her to communicate with any 'staff'.
As a 53 yr old I suffer the same all my life because we only have one mother and that's all I know as normal. If I could cry on this forum I would be because this is a lifetime of suffering and deep hurt that us "kids" don't deserve.
I am sorry but I am hurting and stressed so much please know you are not alone because you are made to feel that way.
Learning to treat her passive aggressive manipulation tactics as nothing personal, because it is her problem, not yours, is a challenge. However, it is really rewarding to hang up the phone, laugh at being ably to dodge every arrow and go about your day.
I would have said, well done, not using extra power for Christmas decorations will definitely help the power grid. Oops, look at the time, gotta go, love ya, bye! Click.
I hang up with my mom like this about 90% of calls. I can hear her back pedaling as I am hanging up. She knows but, apparently can't help herself or doesn't want to. I, on the other hand, can be in full charge of how I respond, what I do and how I let her BS effect me.
I would be really tempted to say, oh dang mom, here I am going on a guilt trip and I didn't even pack a bag. Gotta go do that, talk later, love ya, bye! Click!
Finding the humor in the insanity is really helpful for me. I know by the way my mom says hello if the contact will be full of arrows or self pity. So I listen for her cues and go or I get smart with her. Depends on what it's about and if I feel up to her.
Take back your control and your heart won't feel so stomped on, I am speaking from personal experience.
I, like all of us, did nothing to this woman to warrant this kind of behavior, and she does not have the mindset to say, "hey, I can't talk today i'm not feeling good." My therapist says that she does not see this through the same lens I do. I'm hurt by her words. To mom, they are just words - words she's glad to get out, but make no mistake, regrets later, even though she won't admit it out loud.
Tomorrow, she will be Miss Mary Sunshine thinking this never happened. Me, not so much. But I'll get through.
I appreciate all these responses. It's like we're all siblings albeit with different parents.
The damned if you do or don't will end my life early.
I am sorry I am just venting as well.
So here you are, pandering to your mother's ego while her passive/aggressive behavior is saying things like "“my house can stay dark through christmas,” “I won’t be turning my lights on outside anymore.” Okay fine mom, then your house can stay dark through Christmas and you won't be turning your lights on outside anymore, sounds good to me. These types cannot EVER come out and ask for what they want or need; they have to hint around at it and then we need to read their minds and then jump to their rescue to fix whatever it is they need fixed. Right? I get it.
When mother agrees to TAKE the prescribed medication, THEN you can talk about what she'd like you to do for her. Until then, you're too busy, sorry/not sorry mom. When she agrees to help HERSELF, then you can talk. Until that happens, the endless cycle of passive/aggressive non-communication keeps you running on the hamster wheel and getting nowhere fast.
Set down some firm boundaries with her about what you are and aren't willing to do. When you will and will not go over there to do X things for her. When you will call and how long you will talk, etc. Otherwise, the game constantly changes (as it's intended to in order to keep you off kilter) and you never know WHAT to expect! You'll be going over there continuously and calling non-stop, only to never quite satisfy her ever-changing 'needs'. I know from where I speak b/c I have a mother like yours. It's time for YOU to make the rules now so you can have a life of your OWN in addition to being her daughter. Otherwise, being her daughter is the only role you'll have in life.
Good luck!
Now, I just need to remember your post, every day!
Just because she's always been passive-aggressive like this doesn't mean that treatment won't help. Look into getting her to a geriatric psychiatrist.
You can refuse to play this game by going " grey rock". Practise "non-reactions". "hmmm-hmmm". "I see". "That's your perogative". And then leave. It takes 2 to argue.
Tell her about the decorations that you're sorry she wasted her time, and you're sorry you wasted yours.
At the age of 30 (actually ON my 30th birthday!) she asked me to come by b/c she had something for me. So, since I was out with the kids, we stopped by. She gave me a card with a $5 bill in it. Ok, fine, that's nice of her.
BUT, she was in a 'mood' and before I could escape she was going on and on about nobody caring about her and how she was going to kill herself. There stand my 5 little ones--oldest is 9 and she is absolutely in tears. I looked at mom and said "Please, please DO. But don't you dare leave a mess for me to clean up". I was way past furious with her.
Calling her on her bluff, albeit 22 years too late to save my sanity--was very freeing. She's never even made an attempt to hurt herself and is now 92 and still pulling stunts. But not around me.
The emotional damage has been profound. AT age 65, I am STILL working through it.
If we ever bring this up she denies it vociferously, but we all know it's true and a shady, crummy thing to do to kids of any age.