Back in Sept, my husband and I were able to convince my MIL that it was time to have a aid come in once a week to do light house keeping. This also gave us a 2nd set of eye to see if there were any problems. Well, a piece of jewelry has gone missing and now MIL thinks the aid took it but also has stated that she may have missed placed it. But just the thought that the aid may have taken it has left it's impression on her mind and now she doesn't want any strangers in her home.
She liver 45 min away from us. I care for my mom who is in assisted living 2 miles from our home. I work and my husband is retired. I also help with taking care of my grandson as needed.
My MIL, has high blood pressure and breast cancer. we are sure that she has dementia, but she refused to be taken for testing. She will not take the med's that have been prescribed to her for blood pressure or the cancer. The breast cancer tumor is the size of lemon, close to the skin, so there is concern that it will rupture and ulcerate. She can't go shoping any more, walks with a shuffle, can't pay her bills with out a lot of help. Doesn't understand her finance. She won't go to church any more. She is worried about something happening. We know that she has taken some falls. She fell with us once. She lives alone in a condo and all that we would like is to have someone come in for 2 hours once a week.
Before we had the care giver come in, she was not cleaning house, but we think she was doing laundry, but we can't be certain. Not sure how she is getting her meals. My husband does shopping for her, he will pickup hot foods when he is at the store but I know that there is left over food in the fridg that is bad.
As for my husband talking with his mom about care. Every time we bring it up, she gets mad. He is fearful of making her angery. She will say nasty things to him, and he is very thin skinned.
I am at the end of my rope with her. While I understand with dementia, they aren't thinking clearly but my husband won't stand up and say this is what needs to be done. He alway says to her "Mom it's your choice" when we know that she is making very bad decicions. He does have POA. I want to call Social Service for a welfare check but he doesn't want to. Afraid that his mom will find out and get really mad at him. He is afraid that she will shut him out of her life. But he is an only child.
What other options do I have?
Eventually, your husband must realize that something needs to be done. I'd try the softer method of a church person or good friend first. Sometimes people tune out kids, but they will listen to a friend. However, a call to social services for a welfare check may be needed.
Take care,
Carol
Good luck, I hear your frustration and anger.
I have talked to people who have used this approach. I think it might help you and your husband, too. Good luck.
My previous comment about assisted living homes was not meant to be a criticism. They can be the best solution at the right time, for the right person. But they are not the ultimate answer for everyone. There are homes that specialize in care for people with alzheimers, if it comes to that.The treatment is much different than that in nursing homes.
Every decision I made was difficult, and not necessarily to her liking, but I did it out of love for her. She is good about taking her meds when given to her, but was not good when it was up to her. I wanted her to maintain her independence, but knew she was not safe in her own home. My Mom is not happy having people care for her and refused home health care any time it was offered. She was constantly losing things and became and still is very paranoid. This was our only solution. She is 91 now and somedays are better than others. I call at least every other day and we talk for over an hour each time. She will never like her new living accomodations and I can't change that. I am glad you have family who can help you make these difficult decisions. Whatever, you do, I know you will do it out of a loving heart. Good luck, and hang on tight, cause it is a wild ride!
Today when the new aid came, my MIL had a list of things that are missing and accused the last aid of taking them. A list of five things. My husband was there and was able to tell her that she left her cain at a relatives house. The rugs that are missing, my MIL put in storage after the Dr told her it wasn't safe to have throw rugs on the floor. In fact my husband got them out of the store room and showed her. As for a couple of other things, who know where she has put them. Can you imagin how the new aid felt when my MIL as accusing the first one of taking things?
gailmcg, thank you for the info about dementia. My Mom has dementia and I have done a lot of google searches and have read quit abit about it. I will have to look up dementia whisperers. We have know about my Mom's dementia for almost 3 years now. In fact she had to move from her home to assisted living, and it has been a great move for her. I will agree that assisted living homes may not be the answer for everyone but just like nursing homes aren't. But I can say I am worried about my MIL and her stubborn attitude that she is just fine.
For now, check up on her, show her your love, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
Well today, the new aid was coming to the house, so we got there 30 min early. My husband started to help her with paying the bills. Well, the meds came up. No she had not taken them. We had a long talk with her, advising her about the risks, and she finaly said she would take them. I got up to get her a glass of water and I find the stove is on, with an empty pan on the burn. The setting was on low but the pan was still hot. Also we notice that she was wearing the necklace that she thought the aid had taken. After telling her that the stove was on, we said, this is just not safe living her alone anymore, we need to do something. Well, she just shut down. I have now found out from one of her church friends the reason she stopped driving was because she was getting lost. And then today, I find out she is not taking showers. She said that she had her own way of caring for herself. Now I don't smell body oder but I'm not sure how she can be cleaning her self. Also, I checked the laundry bucket, and my huband said that the same clothes have been in that bucket for weeks. So I don't think she is doing landry.
We are now talking about getting what family we have together to have a meeting with her to let her know that we all think that it is now time for her to move. It is very hard to watch the ones you love change like this.
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