Back in Sept, my husband and I were able to convince my MIL that it was time to have a aid come in once a week to do light house keeping. This also gave us a 2nd set of eye to see if there were any problems. Well, a piece of jewelry has gone missing and now MIL thinks the aid took it but also has stated that she may have missed placed it. But just the thought that the aid may have taken it has left it's impression on her mind and now she doesn't want any strangers in her home.
She liver 45 min away from us. I care for my mom who is in assisted living 2 miles from our home. I work and my husband is retired. I also help with taking care of my grandson as needed.
My MIL, has high blood pressure and breast cancer. we are sure that she has dementia, but she refused to be taken for testing. She will not take the med's that have been prescribed to her for blood pressure or the cancer. The breast cancer tumor is the size of lemon, close to the skin, so there is concern that it will rupture and ulcerate. She can't go shoping any more, walks with a shuffle, can't pay her bills with out a lot of help. Doesn't understand her finance. She won't go to church any more. She is worried about something happening. We know that she has taken some falls. She fell with us once. She lives alone in a condo and all that we would like is to have someone come in for 2 hours once a week.
Before we had the care giver come in, she was not cleaning house, but we think she was doing laundry, but we can't be certain. Not sure how she is getting her meals. My husband does shopping for her, he will pickup hot foods when he is at the store but I know that there is left over food in the fridg that is bad.
As for my husband talking with his mom about care. Every time we bring it up, she gets mad. He is fearful of making her angery. She will say nasty things to him, and he is very thin skinned.
I am at the end of my rope with her. While I understand with dementia, they aren't thinking clearly but my husband won't stand up and say this is what needs to be done. He alway says to her "Mom it's your choice" when we know that she is making very bad decicions. He does have POA. I want to call Social Service for a welfare check but he doesn't want to. Afraid that his mom will find out and get really mad at him. He is afraid that she will shut him out of her life. But he is an only child.
What other options do I have?
Every decision I made was difficult, and not necessarily to her liking, but I did it out of love for her. She is good about taking her meds when given to her, but was not good when it was up to her. I wanted her to maintain her independence, but knew she was not safe in her own home. My Mom is not happy having people care for her and refused home health care any time it was offered. She was constantly losing things and became and still is very paranoid. This was our only solution. She is 91 now and somedays are better than others. I call at least every other day and we talk for over an hour each time. She will never like her new living accomodations and I can't change that. I am glad you have family who can help you make these difficult decisions. Whatever, you do, I know you will do it out of a loving heart. Good luck, and hang on tight, cause it is a wild ride!
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the developing situation with your MIL. It is difficult and frightening to lose one's autonomy, memory, and physical abilities.
Sounds a bit frustrating how your husband responds to her, but some people simply are not equipped to take charge. I remember taking on my Narcissist Mother and her equally enlightened husband about 6 years ago. I was the worst person in the universe, a trouble maker, etc. however, one of the six adult kids had to see reality and speak up, then follow through. It is not easy, and if you continue reading the many possibilities offered in caregiving, you will need to put on your full armor. Please find a nice memory home Near you so both you and Hubby take turns going to see her. Don't try to do it in your home; it will ruin your health. You are a good DIL. All the Best to you.
Additionally, she sounds like she simply does not want to deal with the cancer. It could be denial, or maybe it's just too much with the confusion.
Well today, the new aid was coming to the house, so we got there 30 min early. My husband started to help her with paying the bills. Well, the meds came up. No she had not taken them. We had a long talk with her, advising her about the risks, and she finaly said she would take them. I got up to get her a glass of water and I find the stove is on, with an empty pan on the burn. The setting was on low but the pan was still hot. Also we notice that she was wearing the necklace that she thought the aid had taken. After telling her that the stove was on, we said, this is just not safe living her alone anymore, we need to do something. Well, she just shut down. I have now found out from one of her church friends the reason she stopped driving was because she was getting lost. And then today, I find out she is not taking showers. She said that she had her own way of caring for herself. Now I don't smell body oder but I'm not sure how she can be cleaning her self. Also, I checked the laundry bucket, and my huband said that the same clothes have been in that bucket for weeks. So I don't think she is doing landry.
We are now talking about getting what family we have together to have a meeting with her to let her know that we all think that it is now time for her to move. It is very hard to watch the ones you love change like this.
For now, check up on her, show her your love, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
Today when the new aid came, my MIL had a list of things that are missing and accused the last aid of taking them. A list of five things. My husband was there and was able to tell her that she left her cain at a relatives house. The rugs that are missing, my MIL put in storage after the Dr told her it wasn't safe to have throw rugs on the floor. In fact my husband got them out of the store room and showed her. As for a couple of other things, who know where she has put them. Can you imagin how the new aid felt when my MIL as accusing the first one of taking things?
gailmcg, thank you for the info about dementia. My Mom has dementia and I have done a lot of google searches and have read quit abit about it. I will have to look up dementia whisperers. We have know about my Mom's dementia for almost 3 years now. In fact she had to move from her home to assisted living, and it has been a great move for her. I will agree that assisted living homes may not be the answer for everyone but just like nursing homes aren't. But I can say I am worried about my MIL and her stubborn attitude that she is just fine.
I have talked to people who have used this approach. I think it might help you and your husband, too. Good luck.
My previous comment about assisted living homes was not meant to be a criticism. They can be the best solution at the right time, for the right person. But they are not the ultimate answer for everyone. There are homes that specialize in care for people with alzheimers, if it comes to that.The treatment is much different than that in nursing homes.
But to convince him to go there at all, I had to be very adamant that either I would move in or move him out, neither of which I was willing to do and knew he didn't either. It was a rough period of time, but I had to stay firm. I think that's what they call "Tough Love". He liked the woman and eventually adjusted to the situation. Her duties to begin with were to take him for drives where ever he wanted to go, grocery shop (he liked going with her), be sure he showered at least 2-3 times a week and she stood nearby in case he needed help. As he got used to her being around and developed some trust he let her wash his back and feet. She could then be sure he was getting clean and not at risk of falling. You (and your husband) have got to be tough, but come from love. She will sense that.
About the dementia.
I have thought about calling social services but my husband is not ready to do that, as he thinks she will find out that we called and she will be angry with him and shut him out of her life. In fact for many years she would spend the holidays with relatives and not us and we could never figure out why. And at one point she had him taken off as POA and given it to a nephew. She thought my husband was have mental problems after having by-pass surgery. He never did have any mental problems, it was all in her head. After serveral years, she decieded that he was OK and put him back as the POA. I don't think at this point she has the mental ablity to make any legel changes but he is fearful that she will try and shut him out of her life. I don't see that happening but trying to convince him of that is another matter. We have talk about having the Dr talk with her but she doesn't trust Dr and it is very difficult to get her to go. Her last Dr appt to check her hight blood presser, she canceled. She has an appt with her medical oncologist this next week and we are hoping that she doesn't call an cancel that one. In her mind, what is the point of the appt if I don't feel bad and I'm not going to do anything about it. As she states she is "fiercely independent" and she is going to do it her way. Again thank you for all of the thoughts and suggestions.
I'm not sure but you would think that elders would have a right to take their meds or not but if they are diagnosed with AZ then they to me are not thinking quite right and they don't know what may be best for their safety and health. My husband and I sat with her and told her we did not feel comfortable or her to stay by her self even though she lived right down the street from us. Luckily for us that worked for her safetyness and health. Can you talk to your husband and get him to understand and just make an appt to get her their and have a AZ check? Tell her yall going shopping or something just to get her to the doctor to be exam. She may hate y'all for a while but her son can let her know that he loves her and that he is just concern about her and health as well as her saftey.
My mnl still lives with and will for awhile and yes sometimes I will go outside to scream but, I know it is for her own good. Now that she is living with us, my husband has notice that she gets confused late in the evening and he notice that he has to repeat himself to his mom as well. He is thankful that I pushed him to do something. Not really sure but it may be consider elder neglect if something needs to be done for her saftey but I could be wrong. I hope this help somewhat.
As said early, she needs help in paying her bills, I'm starting to wonder if she is doing laundry or even taking showers, as I have noticed that some of the clothes that she is wearing aren't clean. She only talks about the past and it is the same story every time we visit. But boy point these things out and she is angry, doesn't want to talk about it or states "you forget too". Then she doesn't want to talk about it. She claims that she will know when the time is to have someone come in and take care of her.
And gailmcg, you are correct I am frustrated. I have my mom who lives 2 miles from us in assisted living and wants me there all of the time and then there is my MIL who is 30 miles and she doens't want us there. At least my Mom with her health problems was willing when the Dr advised her that it was time to move into assisted living, followed the Dr advise.
Again thanks for the replys.
Good luck, I hear your frustration and anger.
Eventually, your husband must realize that something needs to be done. I'd try the softer method of a church person or good friend first. Sometimes people tune out kids, but they will listen to a friend. However, a call to social services for a welfare check may be needed.
Take care,
Carol