Elderly Aunt living in another state phones almost every day and tells offensive and racist jokes. I don't want to hear it anymore. Advice?

As I grow older ( I am 67 ), I try to avoid things that are upsetting to me. No longer do I like confrontation. In the past, I've tried to "make things right", often to the extent it upsets me rather than fixing the problem. So, avoiding or going no contact is the best, less worrisome and upsetting way for me. And then I forget about it and go on to more pleasant things. ( "Let go, let God" .... I understand it now :) )

I honestly am surprised at how many people suggest confrontation as a solution. This woman hasn't been in your life "all your life"; unless you want a relationship with her, why spend your emotional energy on "explaining, telling her off, etc." Just let her go.

And for all those who chalk it off to this woman being "older", possibly "dementia", possibly this or that, let's stop blaming older people! Maybe she has always been like this and maybe that is why she is trying to find a new person to be offensive to. And for the record, there are plenty of young people who like to do the same.

My dearest Auntie,

I am so happy to hear from you. I would like to talk to you about something that is very important to me...

Honesty is always okay and it doesn't have to be confrontational or demeaning or hurtful or any other dreadful thing. We can tell people that we don't appreciate their sense of humor without any drama.

If she goes all dramatic, well that is on her. I bet that she will be surprised and remorseful that she has been trying to be funny and make her calls a happy time and instead she has been allowed to make them miserable for you, all because you didn't speak up when it started.

Fresh beginnings are a great way to get over, what to me is a stupid mistake by both parties, and have a loving relationship with mutual respect and boundaries.

She is lonely!
She may have No One Else to talk to.

you and her other family members should not be blocking her calls!

Put yourself in her shoes.

Each and Every One of you, should each pick one day out of the week and make a 5 -10 minute phone call to her.
That time out of a whole week is nothing and to her could literally be life or death.

Loiliness Kills!

You should tell her exactly what you wrote here.

Let her know that you want to keep talking with her but it makes you uncomfortable to listen to her jokes because you find them sexual and racial.

She probably doesn't really have things to talk about.

Tell her when it's convenient for you to talk and have her call at those times.

Mare sure you let her know the hours of the day that she can call.

Have a list of questions you can ask and talk about.

Or, tell her when you will call her and be sure to call her.

Does she live close enough for ya'll to visit or have lunch together?

Praters for all to show compassion to a lonely elderly women.

Sometimes when people lack the awareness of their offensive words, they are missing the brain function of social screens neccesary to recognize the problem, then get all upset that people avoid then. My husband, dianosed w/ FTD (Picks Disease) lacks such a screen. There is nothing one can say or do to change the behavior as they don't get what they are doing is offensive. They are otherwise, functional in knowing who and where they are and doing daily activities. The deficit is in emotions, behavior, and language as it progresses... relentlessly downhill.

With all the judgemental answers here you must be feeling terrible. Your aunt may not have a clue that her jokes are racist for two very good reasons: She grew up hearing them at a time when no one was sensitive to them so she thinks they are fine. Secondly, she may be slipping mentally and that part of the brain that over rides more "base" thoughts and words may not be functioning as well so even if she knows her jokes are offensive she may no longer have the capacity to stop herself from being offensive. I have worked with a number of elders who never swore in their younger lives who now swear up a storm and they seem obsessed with sex. Their younger selves would be embarrassed and appalled.

All you can do is listen with love and encourage a change of subject. You can gently tell her those jokes are no longer acceptable, but do not be surprised if she doesn't stop. These are thoughts are deeply planted in her memories. Then try to remember that whatever you think is funny today in 50 years will be abhorrent to your grandchildren.

She is lonely and wants to stay connected to the world. Are there Senior Services in the community where she lives? Can you contact them and ask if they have activities she could join? Do they have a support service that can pair her with other lonely seniors? This COVID year has been horrible for everyone but especially for seniors living alone.

And, please, do not rail at her for her jokes. Do not judge her as some people responding have suggested. It will only confuse her and cause pain for something she does not understand. You can limit how many times you talk to her by not answering if she calls too frequently. But think about how you would like to be treated in your senior years by those in your life and go from there.

Best to you and to your aunt.

There's a reason not to look up estranged family members. It's not your job to talk to her daily or even weekly. Tell her straight up to not call so much and if she doesn't respect the boundaries tell her you will be blocking her number. She has no respect for you because if she did she would stop with the inappropriate conversation. If you think it's mental decline I would call say call APS to have them evaluate her but they are a pretty worthless organization.

Tell her that you don't want to hear racist, sexist, Islamophobic or homophobia jokes. When she starts telling such a joke, say "Aunt, sounds like a racist joke." I prefer not to hear it. Bye."

Hang up and Walk away immediately. Do this every single time no matter who is present.

You can't control her. But you have absolutely control over what you listen to,

Be straight with her. Tell her you'll take her calls if you have time, but you find her jokes offensive and if she starts up again, you will be hanging up.

So. My experience with this is that you can & should tell her a few times that racist language and "humor" is not acceptible. It might work, but it usually doesn't. What usually works better is just totally ignoring the behavior--leave those "jokes" hanging, pretend you never heard anything and move on with a different conversation. It might give you an ulcer not to respond, but she may just be feeding on your aggravation. My dad was a pro at baiting me for years with his racist comments. He's always been one of those everyday-1950's-white guy racists. In my youth, I didn't speak to him for years over it, but he never gave it up. I finally, finally learned not to respond. It didn't completely eliminate his behavior, but the look of disappointment on his face when he was ignored helped me a little. I also did get an ulcer.

One other note: in my dad's older years, the racist language always got worse when he had a UTI. So it became kind of a weird, useful indicator. He's 93 now and losing his memory and his hearing and his eyesight...... and, apparently, most of the triggers for his racism.

You probably cannot change your aunt. You can decide if and how you want to deal with her. It's your decision to make. I know your angst.

As I see it, this is offensive and she should not be doing this. You have two options - you block her calls and you call her. If she starts up, tell her NO and hang up at once. I don't see what else you can do. She is either extremely stupid and rude or she has dementia - neither should have a negative impact on you. Do NOT let her get away with this.

Matthole is right. Let her alone, don't make such a big deal about this. In her day and mine too lots of jokes were told and the world wasn't so "woke" that they made it the end of the world. If that's all you have to worry about you're better off than most.

Be direct instead of avoiding her. Tell your aunt that you don't like racist nor sexual jokes because they can be hurtful. Tell her you want to talk about something other than jokes

<long silent pause> “That’s not funny. I wish you wouldn’t tell me things like that.”

I still remember when a joke used to be something to make people laugh and/or cause amusement and was not meant to be taken seriously. These days everyone wants to see offense everywhere. You may not find something funny, two people won't always laugh at the same thing, but it doesn't mean its not funny. Watch someone walking along the street and walk into a lamppost or fall down a hole and watch people laugh. The person doing it may not find it very funny, some others may not, but some will. Racist and joke used in the same sentence? I find that funny. A racist is someone who is prejudiced against someone on the basis of their race. A comedian is someone who tells jokes. I happen to be both racist and a comedian but that doesn't mean if I tell a joke about someone relating to their race I am then racist, just the same as if I beat someone with a balloon with a brick inside it it doesn't make me a comedian. I heard someone say recently if you're white you're either racist or you're racist and don't know it. I see racism all the time but that's because I'm white and it doesn't get talked about or anything done about it that way. Try and understand people more and accept that people find things funny that you may not, and remember if you're old enough when we used to have free speech. We used to have a saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". Nowadays you only need to look at someone and they shout racist. Racism, PTSD, ADHD etc we used to live life, now all people want is a label and compensation. Sounds like your aunt still has a life, be thankful for it. At least she's not a true racist like myself who hates everybody who's not me.

She is loney and probably depressed.get her to see a therapist or physiologist. After you get her diagnosed if nothing is wrong. Then when she calls again tell her you don't appreciate her jokes if that doesn't stop her tell her "if you tell me one more offensive joke I will hang up on you". Then hang up if she tells another. Screen your calls she will stop when she has noone to answer her calls

No point in telling her that her jokes offend you. Though tell her that if you feel you must. She won't understand. She doesn't consider them objectionable...will probably just wonder what's the matter with YOU that you don't appreciate her humor.
But she doesn't mean to upset you.
So the problem is not hers to solve, but yours. You can do as others have suggested, and block her calls or just don't answer.

If you feel you must speak with her, your best response to her offensive jokes or comments is no response. Rather than be silent, try redirecting her. Be ready with a response that is not rude but entirely unrelated. "By the way, what's the weather like there in...(whatever state she's in)? Do you get out much?...any old friends that live close by?" Or "You know, dad always liked to play card games, do you? I remember he used to play solitaire and keep track of how many "cheats" it took him to win (laugh)!"

This seems like quite an effort to put out for someone you find offensive...and someone who keeps calling. No point in continuing the relationship with someone (especially a rather distant relative) that you can't actually relate to nor HELP. Though at some level you sound as if you'd like to. (And she sounds like she is indeed needy). You have no idea what her physical condition is nor her living situation. Unless you have some contacts near where she lives, I think there is little you can do. Hope that someone in closer proximity to her can reach out.

You aren’t close with this aunt. So, you aren’t betraying a long standing relationship with her.

What exactly do you know about this woman? She may indeed be lonely or she could have some sort of mental illness or even dementia.

Regardless of her circumstances, it’s important to be true to yourself.

So, I would absolutely tell her that you find her jokes offensive.

Yes, past generations did many things that they felt they were entitled to do.

The truth is that they didn’t have a right to do it. It was wrong then and is wrong now. Period!

There aren’t any good reasons to validate racism of any kind.

If you want to use this as a teaching moment, then do so.

If you feel that would be a waste of time on this woman, don’t bother.

You may even help her more by not being an attentive audience for her.

Please don’t feel guilty about not answering your phone or letting her calls go to voicemail. You don’t owe her any explanations.

This is a pattern for her and it may be a long standing pattern that could explain why she wasn’t a part of your family when you were growing up.

I wouldn’t allow a person to be around my children that told inappropriate jokes. It’s not funny. It’s disturbing.

Hopefully, if she isn’t suffering from dementia or a form of mental illness, she will wake up and stop telling offensive jokes that are hurtful to others and portray negative stereotypes.

Don’t encourage her by listening. If you wish to speak to her, change the subject immediately and certainly don’t feel obligated to correct her.

Walking away, hanging up, ignoring her is a strong non verbal cue that you aren’t interested!

If you are uncomfortable saying something because you feel that you would become too upset, it doesn’t have to be you that says something. Protect your emotions.

Let others deal with it. Sooner or later, she will be ignored or told off by anyone that is sick of her offensive behavior.

Yes, she could be totally ignorant of the fact that she is being offensive.

It still doesn’t mean that you or anyone else is obligated to listen to her distasteful and disrespectful jokes.

In addition to my previous comment to tell her that the “jokes” offend you I have to add this...
I have a lot of jokes and on occasion I will post some here but I try to be very careful as times have changed and people have changed. What might have been “thought” to be funny in the past really isn’t. So she may think the jokes are funny, and to some they might be. But if you find them offensive you are well within boundaries to tell her so and stop the conversation if she continues. Much like you would stop communicating with a Bully, this is the same. She is assaulting you with words.

Set boundaries with her and stick to it. You can do it gently, but if she doesn't get it then be less gentle.

Good luck

I agree with those who say Stop her in her tracks in a nice way. Just tell her it is not polite conversation and not funny to this generation.I am 74 and I would NEVER tell the jokes that were common 50 plus years ago.
What was passable at one time is no longer tolerated. I guess it is her way of getting the attention; but if offensive to you it likely is to other people also.

kat1944: Imho, you should let her know that the so called "jokes" that she tells you, even as late an hour as 10:00 P.M. are VERY inappropriate and you do not appreciate receiving these calls of her's. If you say nothing, how else will she know that she is doing anything inappropriate? You could also say something akin to the fact that 'you're busy at the moment,' 'you're sleeping,' 'Oh! my goodness Mildred (name not known), that is too hard on my ears; they've been violated!'

Is your dad still living? If so, can you ask him about her? Was she always like this? What is the reason there was no contact for many years? Was it related to the same issues or something else? You say he's had no contact with her for years and you didn't know her growing up. Perhaps he wasn't comfortable with her behavior?

Myself, I would want to know if this is who she always was, because then it makes decisions about continuing easier to choose from. Does she have any children, aka your cousins? If so, does anyone have contact with them? Perhaps someone could ask them if she's having cognitive issues. If this was not how she was before, something as simple as a UTI or other infection can change someone's behavior and actions, usually not in a good way! If she has no children, are there any other aunts or uncles? There is also the possibility for some kind of dementia. Some types of dementia can cause people to lose their "filters" and behave in socially unacceptable ways.

If this was an ongoing issue with her, you can try to ask her not to tell her offensive jokes and try to steer the conversation to something else. Asking her to stop when she starts and indicate you will hang up may help. Be sure to follow through with that hang up, maybe with a quick but firm BYE! It may not work, not if this is how she is. You can only try.

If those attempts don't work, you may have to resort to letting calls go to voicemail and deleting them, or blocking her calls. It would be sad to have to cut her out of your life again, but if this is who she is/was, it isn't likely to stop.

IF your attempts are successful, then perhaps you can continue to have a minimal relationship with her. She may occasionally backslide, so gentle reminders and hang ups may be needed sometimes for reinforcement. Just be consistent.

Although she is a "blood" relation, it won't be rude or nasty if you choose to break off communication. You really didn't have a relationship with her before this, so it would really be no different than breaking off contact with an acquaintance who you don't "mesh" with.

Fight fire with fire! Find out what offends her, and then make jokes about it.

Be straight with her, tell her you can't take these jokes...every time she starts. If she continues, excuse yourself with: We've talked about this, I can't listen to anymore of it, gotta go, bye...or similar.

I solved the phone dilemma with a very old aunt. She loves our phone calls andI am just willing to listen to whatever she says. She cares little about anyone else but herself and wants to tell me every detail about herself. I am grateful for her continued cognitive abilities but her constant phone calls were too much. I finally told her I would call her on two specific days a week ( I put them on my calendar and rarely miss our “ appointments.”)

If she calls me on other days I just don’t answer the phone. If she has a real emergency I gave another number or she can leave a message. I know I am lucky that she lives in an AL facility, that she has all her cognitive abilities and she does not live nearby.

At first it was horrible not answering the calls ( I was scared and worried,) and the frequency of the calls increased. I also listened to every message immediately for sounds of real emergency.

It worked ! She is used to my being in control, as long as I keep my commitment.

I hope this post doesn’t offend anyone dealing with a much more tragic and difficult situation. I know I am fortunate for the situation I’m in.

If this is a change in behavior it may be signs of behavior variety of frontotemporal dementia. Inappropriate behavior is one of the symptoms, Here is a site for information. Copy and paste

https://www.theaftd.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/FTD-Signs-and-Symptoms-bvFTD.pdf

Racist jokes are just not funny. If the aunt does not stop, then just hang up. That is how I would handle it.

Can you let the calls go to voice mail and call back when it's convenient for you? Maybe start the calls with a question about her life to get her going on a different tack. You might tell her that her jokes seem off-color and you feel uncomfortable hearing them.

Auntie is just looking for attention and acceptance and doesn't know how else to receive it. The jokes probably worked when she was much younger. Her communication skills may be and always have been very limited. The friends that she once had may have communicated in much the same fashion. She needs to know that what she is saying is, not only not funny or cute, but rather offensive and intolerable. Repetition is the way that we learn. If everyone would answer their phones and when she starts the offensive behavior let her know that she is loved and that you enjoy to talk with her, however, let her know that you find these topics of conversation rude, offensive and you do not like it. It makes you very uncomfortable. Warn her that if she continues to speak in such a crude and ungodly manner that you will have no choice but to end the conversation by hanging up. If she continues to talk say goodbye and gently hang up the phone. When she calls again act as though it never even happened but it she starts again just lovingly repeat. "Tough Love" If we do not demand respect others will think that how they treat us is acceptable. If everyone one handles it the same way she will change her way of communicating. She wants to communicate. She is lonely and wants acceptance. She will eventually do what is necessary to be a part of your loving family but needs to learn what that is.

Try changing the subject before she can or try telling a joke that you find appropriate and if all fails tell her that you enjoy talking to her but are offended by her inappropriate jokes. Just remember that she is from another time. I think asking her questions to divert her from the jokes will help establish that you don’t want to take part in the inappropriate conversation