Elderly Aunt living in another state phones almost every day and tells offensive and racist jokes. I don't want to hear it anymore. Advice?

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Elderly Aunt living in another state phones almost every day and tells offensive and racist jokes. I don't want to hear it anymore. Advice?

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She's probably, ironically, trying to impress you with her unconventional and racy style. I'd send her a book of jokes that actually *are* funny and hope she enjoys the new material.

You might also be able to break up her calling pattern by taking the initiative and ringing her for a good old chinwag, regularly and at a time that suits you, like every Sunday afternoon or something. Have interesting topics of conversation handy and talk to her as you would to any other lively-minded person you didn't (yet, God willing) know very well.

It is *fine* to tell her if you find something she says offensive. You don't have to be mean back at her or anything, just be truthful. She's a grown-up, she can take it.

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Having a list of topics ready to switch to is wonderful advice. When I was overwhelmed when we first started taking care of my FIL (now deceased) I went to a therapist a few times. Probably her most helpful suggestion was for dealing with phone calls from my mother - who tends to repeat well worn tales of how wronged she has been in her life - which was more than I could take at the time. The therapist suggested having a list of topics ready and just switch. Just jump right in to something else. It works amazingly well. I still do it.

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Maybe she has dementia. Or maybe she thinks you find her jokes as funny as she does since you keep listening to them. Silence is as good as agreement in this case. You don't have to be confrontational with the woman, you just have to let her know that you don't agree with her humor or find racial or ethnic (or whatever) type jokes to be funny, and to please stop sharing them with you. Let her know there are plenty of other topics of conversation you CAN have, however, just not the jokes. See how she takes it. Some folks honestly don't realize they're being offensive until they're told. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

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excellent advice!

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Set your phone to be silenced after whatever time of night you don’t wish to get calls. Mine has quiet hours from 11pm to 6am. And never hesitate to tell anyone, elderly or lonely or anything else, that you won’t listen to racist or offensive talk. You don’t need to explain why. If you’re not respected on this, give a reminder, and then hang up

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By not saying anything you've given the expression that you are complicit, you need to grow a backbone and tell her that her jokes are offensive and you don't appreciate hearing them - she needs to know your boundaries if you expect her to respect them. And most people have caller display, if you do there is no reason you can't screen her calls and only answer when you are in the mood to talk or to politely excuse yourself and hang up when she calls at an inconvenient time (although I doubt she will be calling so often once you stand up for yourself).

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Not with a relative but with a friend of a friend.

I think this person got the message when I got up and walked out of the house, which was awkward for me because I love my friend. A few others did it too. My friend soon saw how offensive he was and eventually spoke to him.

My friend accepts him as he is and is patient with him, okay fine, but he was crossing all kinds of lines for me and I seriously couldn’t stomach his comments or jokes. Let me just say that I would never give any credence to him by repeating them.

I would either say point blank that you do not consider the joke to be funny or not even bother to pick up the phone.

You would think in the year of 2021, these things would be gone. Sadly, they aren’t.

I appreciate the fact that you don’t find them funny.

I feel ‘prejudice’ is a learned behavior.

Fortunately, my family did not set bad examples regarding prejudice attitudes so I didn’t grow up learning this behavior.

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Elderly Aunt living in another state phones almost every day and tells offensive and racist jokes. I don't want to hear it anymore. Advice?

65 Answers

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