How do I deal with my father-in-law who is making sexually inappropriate passes because of his Parkinson's Disease?
My father in law has Parkinsons, is 87, uses a walker and has moved in with us as the assisted living place was not working out because he would wake up each night at midnight wanting his son...so my husband had to keep driving over there at midnight to calm his Dad down until my husband just decided it would be easier for his Dad to live with us. We need help so my best friend who is 60 came over to watch my father in law and he fell instantly in love. He keeps wanting hugs. Then my DAUGHTER and he grabbed her boobs. So, we took my father in law to a psychiatrist who talked to him about inappropriate behaviour. It didn't work. It is just that he is the type of man who has always had somebody to love and his wife passed away and now he wants a girlfriend. But his dementia which is part of his parkinsons cannot ascertain differences of my daughter, my friend and he forgets even if you tell him. We hired a complete stranger who was pregnant and he did the same thing. I am glad he hasn't made any passes at me...I don't know what I would do as he lives with me and my husband. I already feel uncomfortable being alone with him knowing that he is a Don Juan. He is just the type that is in love with love and needs somebody and is lonely. The short time he was in a nursing home, he would go down the hall into a room of a woman who was bedridden and just sit there and hold her hand and tell her how madly in love with her he was. She couldn't get away from him...she died..guess it was her only way to escape him.
19 Answers
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I would not have liked to be groped by my grandfather or my father or my father-in-law (or my borther, for that matter -- it isn't a matter of age). But if that had happened I think it would have been less upsetting and easier to brush off if I knew that the man had mental problems that prevented him from recognizing social boundaries. (And also, of course, if he couldn't do much more than leer and grope!)
What came across as a fantasy was actually a critique of the machistic escapades of some prematurely-aged -- and forever drunk -- men in my family; and a tasteless generalization Latino men who also take to the bottle. (Thank my lucky stars I stopped drinking when Dad passed away 15 years ago. Besides, there wasn't a valid reason for it. ... At least not for me.) Instead of answering Inky's question, however, I went off on a tangent that excused her FIL's behavior and made me realize it's been a year since my last psychiatric eval.
He's an 87 y/o and lonely man who gets away with the groping because some people don't see his behavior as sexual and/or feel sorry for him because of his age. After all, how much damage can he do? If I were a woman, I'd probably push his trespassing hands away and, with a fake laugh, say "You wicked boy." Or, like most of my sisters, make a scene and call him a pervert. My husband would defend my honor. Either that or sleep on the couch without a blanket and pillow.
When my boys began to walk and explore the world, I must have said "Don't touch" at least 10 times a day. If I said "No" emphatically and removed their hand, they'd do it again as if to challenge me. My wife -- may she rest in peace -- would say "Eddie they're babies! They don't know what they're doing." So we didn't enforce the boundaries much. But when I started attaching a consequence to the behavior, they began to understand that "No" means just that -- and the Nancy Reagan PSAs on TV made it much easier.
Anyway Jeanne, it's after 3 am. Thanks for the wake up call.
-- Ed
Have him evaluated properly for alz/dementia. Many ALFs either have units for dementia or are entirely dedicated to treating this disease. His behavior (such as calling out for his son at night) would not be considered unusual and they would know how to deal with it.
Just follow your instincts. If he is making you uncomfortable (which I would be too) and he is acting out, you and your hub need to think about some alternative plans. Good luck...there is never a perfect solution.
That's why I asked you if he had a "girlfriend". Hey, stranger things have happened. My Mother's last husband passed in 2008, and he used to brag that they were "still wearing out the sheets". EWWWW! When my Mother acted that way and my husband was around, he would look at me like , "well, there is another way you are NOT like your Mother." No, dear, I am not a sicko, I am a normal, loving wife. Please don't bother me while I'm a caregiver.
So, Mother has spent her first week in a care home, and my life is getting back to normal. With one on one care, as she had in our home, maybe that is why certain behavior came out. Probably why they say, "there is safety in numbers."
Just remember: REDIRECT and Keep Your Distance:))) Hugs, Christina
I've read that about 15% of dementia patients (I think this applies generally, not to a specific kind of dementia) exhibit inappropriate sexual behavior. I am so glad that my husband is in the majority in this regard. That would be very hard to deal with! I like Christina's advice. REDIRECT and Keep Your Distance!
He is aware enough to play cards and watch tv and can hold a conversation very well. Why should we think he can't control his urges to grope every woman that he thinks will not have him arrested?!!
Because, assuming you are correct and he is developing dementia, he can't control his urges. It is amazing how compartmentalized our thinking processes can be. A woman who can play cribbage and keep score accurately (which she has done for 70+ years) may not be able to use the remote control (which she has only known how to do for 10 years). A man who can carry on a coherent conversation may have no inhibitions and say rude things he would not have uttered a few years ago.
Inappropriate sexual behavior is not universal with demntia -- but 15% experience this. It is not faked. It happens. I don't know the percentage of people who repeat and repeat and repeat, but it, too, is not faked. He is not out to destroy your peace. The dementia is achieving that quite well.
You seem to think that he is manipulating you. That if he can play cards, he can't be too bad yet and he should just behave himself. Sorry, dementia doesn't work that way.
The most effective way to deal with questions repeated over and over is to answer them simply, over and over. Showing annoyance or impatience or anger is not going to correct the situation. You may be able to "shut him down" temporarily on this particular question, but you cannot teach him to not repeat questions. He can't help it. Just answer the question and redirect his attention to something else.
I think you will be happier or at least less stressed if you learn the characteristics of dementia in general, and of the specific type of dementia Dad has, if you know that. You can get information from his doctor and from many reputable sites, such as the Mayo Clinic, and the National Institute of Health.
It is a tough journey we embark on with our loved ones who have dementia. Good luck to you.
We have found ourselves dealing with a situation similar to the OP. Had a care giver walk out because my Dad was repeatedly grabbing her boobs. She asked him to quit several times, but he persisted.
After some time went by she went back and asked if she could work for him again. She explained how much she was hurt by the groping, Dad promised not to do it again. She thanked him, hugged him, and he grabbed her boobs again. Just seconds after he promised never to do it again.
That tells me there's no rationalizing with him. Gotta find another solution.
A lot of Google searches have brought up very little helpful information. One website suggested same-sex care givers. We have not found any men who are remotely interested in being care givers.
We've warned the other care givers about his behavior so they would be on the defensive. I've suggested they they refuse to hug him.
I honestly don't know what else to do.
We're fortunate that no young girls are involved - Only professional care givers.
I wondered about telling them to slap him if he groped them. Maybe some discomfort would make him stop. But he's old and frail enough that I'm afraid someone might accidentally hurt him in anger.
So if you've gotten far enough to be reading this and are dealing with something similar, I don't know what to say but hang in there. Do your best to keep everyone on the defensive.
And remember it is NOT your fault.