Follow
Share

My mother has always loved making everyone do everything for her. She never renewed her drivers license after her first child was born so my dad drove her to the grocery store every week, to all of our dr appointments, and any and all errands such as shopping and picking up burgers. My dad begged her to get her licenses renewed but she refused.
Years later when I turned 19, my dad passed and I was expected to drive my mom anywhere she needed to go from weekly grocery shopping , picking up her medications , dr appointments, bank , any birthday or xmas shopping , drive her to work in the morning before I started my job , sometimes pick her up from work ( Sonetimes she took the bus0.
I am now in my early 40s and I am still expected to be her driver at all times. She gets extremely angry if I say I can’t this week and I get the silent treatment and she tells my siblings I am mean etc . My mom Is perfectly able to drive herself. She has always been in good health etc. not disabled. There is no reason why she can’t do things for herself. One day she called me to help put a mattress cover on her bed and while I was there she made me hang up all her pictures and her shower curtain. Mind you. She isn’t disabled.
She doesn’t have any friends. She loves football. So she asked me and my other sis if we could watch the steelers game at restaurant that is a 45 min drive every Sunday. If we say no we can’t this weekend she gets angry and starts the guilt trip on how all she wants is to watch the game at the restaurant and she pouts.
She has actually called me or my sis to change light bulbs! When her tv went out I drove her to store to get new one and she made me do all of the hook up of cable etc ( she won’t even try to do anything on her own ). She just calls me or my sis and if we can’t she says things like “ if you girls can’t take me to my dr appointments I’m going to tell my dr I can’t make it bc none of my 3 girls will take me. I have even given her the number to the cities free rides that are offered to senior citizens that get them to the dr appointments and take them home and they also provide free rides to grocery stores. Her excuse to not use it is she doesn’t want to get in car with strangers or what if her dr runs late and the free service leaves her. She refuses to take the city bus bc she says she might get robbed. The bus system in this city is excellent! They run frequently and she gets a nice discount for being senior citizen.
Since she has always acted so helpless she hasn’t seen her grandkids unless one of her kids picks her up and drops her off etc. we are just to busy to do that all of the time. She has retired a few years ago. Still in great health where she can do things on her own but she refuses. Instead she expects her kids to take off work to drive her to her 100 errands like dr appointments, hair salon , grocery shopping , pick up her medications , . I have recently started resenting her and I am tired of being at her beck snd cslll when I have a full time job , have to go to my own dr appointments, I have been taking my cats to their appointments, having to take care of my house etc and I just got very angry a few weeks ago when I started feeling beyond fed up at the surprise of extta errands she throws upon me when I think I’m just taking her to grocery store. When I show up she also has me running her to the bank because she says it only take a min , then to Walgreens , then grocery shopping , then pick her up burgers because she is to tired to cook after all this running around. I end up spending 8-9 hours driving her everywhere. She never says thank you. I am ready to move to another state to get away from her

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
This is just a different approach. You have gone along with stupid demands because you don’t want mother to throw a hissy fit. It hasn’t worked. Another way to change things is to provoke a major hissy fit, then keep on with the provocation.

Refuse to do whatever. When the complaints start, say loudly ‘Mother you are a mean, lazy, manipulative bloodsucker, and I’m sick of it. Manage your own life by yourself, I’m done’. Then walk out. Chances are that no-one has said this before, and she will be flabbergasted. Make sure Sis knows what you are likely to do, so that when Mother phones her immediately, her response will be ‘Yes that’s all true’. Mother is not going to have a heart attack etc, and you are not going to hell. In fact you may well find it quite liberating! Follow it up with a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting where you lay out what you ARE prepared to do, then stick to it.

Let this suggestion rattle around in your head for a while. It’s a challenge, but if you can’t find a better way, there always this one!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

"We are reframing our relationship with her so that we are family members, not chore runners".

Thank you JudyJ65.
You deserve a bravery medal.

Some folk seem to be facing fire-breathing dragons.. they can flee far away or fight with anger. Or try your way - to teach. Lead & re-train 🤺
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Oh my goodness…This WAS my life a few months ago. Down to the lightbulb emergencies!!

Very long story short, my MIL has been chronically ignored by my FIL for the last half of their marriage. What that turned in to was an enmeshed relationship with my DH so that SOMEONE was paying attention to her. Always carting off to doctors appointments, taking her dog to the vet, picking up her compost and plants for her garden, etc. List goes on and on.

Things came to a head when my husband got his dream job and an unreasonable amount of HER things became overwhelming for US to take care of. We were barely able to get our daily needs met around the house and we’re just flat out exhausted from running two households.

We put our phones on silent and would check messages once or twice a day for true emergencies. Lightbulbs are not emergencies.

Moved her into a IL place that has transportation services readily available.

She is responsible for running her own life. If she needs something done, she needs to have at least made an attempt or two at problem solving how it needs to get handled and call the appropriate people.

We limit all visits to an hour or two and take her to lunch. We are reframing our relationship with her so that we are family members, not chore runners. We found that bookending all visits, she can’t throw a billion things on us while we’re there.

Hope something I’ve mentioned helps! It sounds like you’ve made excellent suggestions to/for her, just need to set those boundaries on your end. Which is so hard to do! Wishing you all the luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
JudyJ65 Jul 2021
I should specify that we gave her prior notice to these new boundaries and all the lists of numbers to everyone she would need.
(1)
Report
First i want to commend u on ur hard work and care despite the demands one day u will look back on all of this and u will know u did all u could for ur mother, now it is time to set boundaries my friend ❤️ take her out to lunch and explain to her how it affects your life. My mother is extremely manipulative and she is disabled and needs my care 24/7. She has decided that I am personally responsible for her declining health ( she has had COPD for years and smoked herself into the hospital this year making her situation worse) U gotta set those boundaries immediately, u do not want to end up like me. Now that mom cannot control her situation and has to cut back on her "cigs" ( she almost burned the house down on home oxygen and I live and sleep in fear) 😬 it has gotten so bad that I have to supervise her smokeing twice a day ( better than 3 packs but frick its been hard, she has said horrible things at 2 am to me to try to get a drag off a cig) I used to be a damn good door mat constantly just trying to make her happy when she clearly couldn't care less what i do for her, my life is a living hell. My phone is blown up at all hours of the day and Im losing my hair, my health and my happiness in general. Thank goodness we live in a time of Uber, Senior driving services and alot of senior services available for rides ect ( I wish i had used these services before things got worse). Maybe this will help her to gain some independence and some friends( who may drive and distract mom with activities so u can have some time to think). I wish u luck my friend ❤️ it is so important to set firm boundaries ( even down to days ur willing to help ect) u have a life of your own take care of yourself ❤️. I hope this helps more than scares u. Dont burn out before her demands increase. 🤗 Option 2. move she will figure her crap out. I know that is hard for anyone but having 3 siblings who do not do a thing, a girl can dream
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Beatty Jul 2021
Sounds like your Mother is living in 'Assisted Living' - staffed by you. Keep adding more home help/services & keep setting those boundaries. Waiting for sibs to help seems to be an impossible dream. Organise what you need & remember you do have choices.
(1)
Report
I hear Canada is nice - or New Zealand 😁

I don't jest. There are reasons some people move very far away from their families. Suffocation is one.

There a few shades of suffocating I've found...

The anxious Little Bird, too nervous to fly alone.

The Delicate Princess who is too dainty for 'work'.

The Dowager Queen who feels entitled to have her subjects so blessed in their low existence as to help her.

Anxiety meds & counselling may work for the birds. The other two can simply HIRE what help they need.

Please grab yourself a copy of the book Boundaries asap (by Cloud + Townsend).

Read it or download an audio version as you drive as far away as you can for a week.

Leave Mother a taxi number & local bus route brochure & GO.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You really don't need to move to another state, or to do anything at all. That is the answer, stop doing all this stuff. Just stop. I hope you do not live with her or she with you. If you are mom-free you are on your way to winning this one. Since she is healthy and capable, you are free to just ignore her. I think you will find this very restful. Let her pout, or whatever she does to manipulate you. Remember the old Gomer Pyle TV show and Sgt. Carter --"I can't hear you!" It may be hard at first but it will get easier and even quite a natural thing for you to do. And you know what? You will be doing her a big favor! Encouraging her to grow up! After all, when she declines and does truly need help, maybe there will be some "emotional capital" in her account, rather than dribbled away in childish tantrums.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have been in this type of relationship for the past 10 years caring for my mother who is 87. I am in my fifties. When I was younger and still living in my parent’s house she did the exact same things. Since your dad died she has transferred who she manipulates from her husband to her children. I have heard all the same excuses you have. It’s not easy to be in this type of relationship because to her if this worked on your dad it “should” work on you. Welcome to the world of “enmeshed” relationships. You mother did the same thing to your dad and he made her happy “Happy wife, happy life”. I feel like a default husband to my 87 year old mother. Do some research on “Emotional incest” and “Enmeshed relationships” there are several good videos on YouTube. You will need to start setting limits and you will need to start standing up to your mother, more and more. It will get worse.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

You and your siblings have enabled her behaviour for 21 years.

It is up to you to say no, I cannot do that. Then hang up the phone.

She will carry on, but that is her problem not yours.

If you agree to take her grocery shopping be clear that is all you will do that day. Drive her to one store and once you are finished shopping drive her home. It does not matter that she wants to do 10 more things, you agreed to one and that is all you do.If you go to her house be clear as to how much time you will spend there and what projects you will do and which ones you will not do. When your time is up, you leave.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Oh I think you are correct on the enabling. I hate to admit that but I think that is why my one sis refuses to help our mother. One day my one sis said she doesn’t have time to spend hours at the grocery store with our mom ( if you count the drive time and the 1.5 hours she takes browsing the store it can be an all day event ). I did start to think bc I rarely said no that I was enabling this behavior. Sometimes I feel like a bad child if I say no but on the other hand my mom is very fortunate to be in the good health she is in and be able to do everything on her own right now. It’s frustrating. I did tell her I was thinking about moving out of state in the next year. I did offer her to stay the winters with me when I move ( bc I will be relocating to much warmer place and she hates winters ). She said she didn’t think she wanted to go. I figured I could share the some of the running around with my one sis if I had mom 3- 6months out of the year . It’s exhausting
(1)
Report
Hire a personal assistant AKA, home & health aide to work a couple days a week. I did this for a few years and basically spent my days running my client from heck to breakfast all day long.

It was FINE with me, it was my JOB. It was known by her that all her personal errands had to be done on the days I worked, as her family all had big families and there just wasn't time in their busy days to come home and run mom to CVS to get a med she already had 100's of.

Calling me her 'personal assistant' made her feel pretty grand--perhaps that would work for mom.

Curious--how did she work FT if she won't take public transport or drives?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Oh she did take public transportation to work most of time bc she had no choice. When I worked a job that was fairly close to hers she asked if I could pick her up to take her to work because she Hated the bus. So I got up extra early to pick her up and bring her to work in the mornings. I think it lasted for months but when I got a job transfer I could no longer do that. So she took the bus but she absolutely hates it. When she retired she begged me and my one sis to drive her downtown to get a senior citizen pass that would give her a nice discount when she took the bus. She said she would take bus to her primary care dr if we couldn’t and she would take bus to bank if we couldn’t etc bc it was basically a 10 min bus ride to her dr and bank. She can walk to Walgreens to get her medications . She lives maybe a 2 min walk to Walgreens. Anyways , my sis spent an entire day driving her downtown to sign up for that pass. My mom has been retired for about 6 years now. I think she has used that pass 1-2 times ! Her excuses are it’s ti hot , to cold , to rainy , to icy ( she says she wil fall and break a hip ), then she said she was afraid of being robbed. Then when covid hit that was her new excuse
(1)
Report
This is the one reason I was glad MIL lived in FL. I know she would have expected my DH to be at her beck and call.

Its really going to be able to break old habits. But if u don't, this will get worse. She can get groceries delivered and same with prescriptions. Why does she have so many doctor visits. Are they really needed? My Moms PCP had her coming back every 2 months. Even had one of his nurses, family friend, ask why she was back. I said "I don't know but if he says 'why are we here today' it will only be if she is sick or needs refills. He asked and no more 2 month appts. Once Mom was stable with her specialists, it was every 6 months or a year with labs in between.

My SIL worked f/t and like u carted her Mom all over. She took her Mom shopping and ran errands after work. Her Mom would do the same thing ur Mom did. My SIL stopped that. Told her one stop only. Working a f/t job is enough for me in one day. When my Mom stopped driving, I set up one day a week for her. She went to the bank, shopped and ran her errands. And we may do lunch. If she forgot something and it wasn't important, it got done when I could get to it. And the passive-agressive has never worked for me. Just makes me not want to do it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
My mom is diabetic and thyroid issues so she goes to get blood draws every now and then. Then she had to hsve cataract surgery . Well you would not believe how many times you have to go for testing , then surgery ( both eyes done on different days ), then the follow ups. Then she wanted to see diabetic specialist so there were more appointments. Then she started having knee trouble. So we had to take her to dr for that. Then xrays then follow ups. That has all been subsided rhen she started to have chest pain. So she had to see cardiologist. Then he ordered all kinds of test from EKG, ultrasound , then he wanted to do a test where it would take a couple hours at the hospital but she had to have Xray before that and a covid test day before. Then she had eye infection etc. so her heart is fine. No major blockage. Her knee is fine. She just pulled muscle etc. her eye is cleared up etc … oh then she has her annual eye appt and bc her diabetes she has to have regular eye checks. So while she has no major health concerns anx she can get around just fine , there are quite a few dr appts. In fact her mammo is due soon !
(1)
Report
Please stop listening to any guilt attempts. Your mother has been enabled for far too long, it won’t be easy to change for her. But that doesn’t mean you need to participate in the enabling. The good thing about adulthood is being able to make your own choices and not having to justify them.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Unless your mother has a gun in her hand, she is not MAKING you be her driver.

You CAN say no.

Repeat this out loud until YOU believe it:

“Mother, I can’t POSSIBLY do that. Here is what I CAN do:

Cheering you in from here!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2021
So well said. Circumstances aren’t always as they seem to be.

Very often, it’s emotional blackmail and others attempting to control but we have to find the strength to break away.
(3)
Report
“Expected”? By what legally authorized authority? Are you saying “no”? Loudly? Meaning it?

You have “STARTED RESENTING HER”? It has taken you a few decades to get there? SAY NO.

Saying “no” is A LOT SIMPLER THAN MOVING. Don’t argue, practice saying it sweetly, gently, forcefully, PASSIONATELY.

Will she be mad? Sure. Say NO.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Wow!!! Just wow!!! If you can’t say no, then move away. Like on the opposite coast!!!

My grandmother lived alone in her apartment until she had a stroke at age 84. When she lived alone in her apartment she had her mind. She never drove. Her husband tried to teach her but she hit a tree. So she never drove again. She either walked or took a bus wherever she needed to go. She never relied on anyone to help her. She did everything herself. I forgot to mention my grandmother’s husband died when she was 70. So she lived alone on her own until she was 84.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Wow. That’s how I think it should be. If you are able to do things on your own then do it. If you can’t then it’s ok to ask for help but I feel I am being completely taken advantage of. I can only pray when I get to be 70 if I live that long that I can be in good health enough to drive myself to my dr appointments and grocery stores etc. I still do not understand why my mom doesn’t take advantage of the free car rides offered to senior citizens to get to dr appts. It’s a wonderful thing to have and she won’t have to worry about being robbed on the bus ( her excuse ). My moms excuse for not using those free rides to dr appts was “ I don’t like getting in cars with strangers “. I told her a lot of my patients use it and they love it bc it gets them to their dr and home and its free ! I hope something like that still exists when I’m in my late 60s or 70!
(1)
Report
If you can't say "No mom, I won't be able to do that" without caving to her tears and tantrums, then yes, you probably need to move.

There is a wonderful book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Please get hold of a copy and start putting some health boundaries into place.

You can love your mother without being her slave.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

"I am ready to move to another state to get away from her" People do this you know...

Is it anxiety behind this dependence do you think? Has she ever sought help for it?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Well honestly I have been thinking about moving back to SC and retire there. I am in my early 40s. I have lived a few different places but I have always missed SC and for few years now hsve been thinking about moving back there are retiring there. I did offer my mom to stay there during the winter bc right now we live in Ohio and she is sick of winters. My coworker asked me if my mom maybe thinks that if we don’t run all these errands for her that she will never see us. Well we do get together once a week ( on many Sundays ) to watch football during football season. We also watch some basketball games on weekends . We do see each other on birthdays and holidays etc ). My one sis likes to plan get togethers every now and then for a lunch ( haven’t done that since covid ) but we did. I do think my mom suffers from some sort of mental issues. She was very angry all the time and I think very depressed when I was little. She didn’t have any friends , she never really left the house except to grocery shop and do things that were necessary. However , she lives in a senior citizen apartment building and they have weekly get together and play cards and bingo and have pot luck few times a week. Her apartment has social gatherings like hot dog day and ice cream socials etc. she has been going to those
(1)
Report
Your mother isn't "making" you do anything....you are choosing to obey her passive aggressive manipulations. In other words, all of her ploys are WORKING! The silent treatment, the pouting, the lame excuses, the helpless act.....its all worked beautifully to the point where she hasn't had to drive anywhere or hire anyone or do anything for herself since your dad passed! You children have agreed to take over for him, is what happened.

Now is the time to say ENOUGH. You either stand up for yourselves as adults now or you move far enough away where you can no longer be her chauffeur, handyman and entertainment committee.

She either pulls on her big girl pants and gets a new license or she rides the big bad bus or calls an Uber, like the rest of the world does. Learn to say NO mom, I can't possibly do that. Set down some strong and unwavering boundaries where you see her once a week (or whatever) for X amount of time and agree to do X amount of things. Have it all set up in your mind and let HER know YOUR schedule. When she gets mad and throws a fit, oh well, she'll get over it. Or she won't and then you're REALLY off the hook! 🤣

Otherwise, you are a slave to her whims which change like the wind. She'll use and build on her arsenal of passive aggressive tricks and tools to guilt and shame you into doing all of the things she's perfectly capable of doing herself. She's just too lazy and hey, it's worked THIS long, so why fix what isn't broken (in her mind)?

Hopefully you and your sisters can present a united front to your mother now, while you still can. Force her to do for herself or by the time she gets really old, you'll be moving her into your home and waiting on her hand and foot, 24/7 as she reverts to being a baby again.....no joke. You can see these women coming a mile away. I have a mother like this myself and use tough love ALL THE TIME. It's a necessity. She's STILL blaming my father for giving her a miserable life.......and he died almost SIX YEARS ago!

Good luck....toughen up. You can do this!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This sounds bizarre! Why on earth are you and your sisters doing all this? It sounds as though your mother had your father well under her thumb, and when he died you drifted into keeping things as they were.

The best thing to do would be to get together with your sisters and talk the whole thing through. If you just stop on your own, there will be pressure on your sisters and your relationship with them will suffer. You need a shared game plan.

You may be willing to do some jobs for your mother, or you may just stop! There will of course be a huge hissy fit, but if you have a joint game plan you will cope with it. It would help if you give your mother some phone numbers and websites for the things she will need to organise herself. That is a very responsible move for you all to make, you won’t just be walking out on her.

What you are doing is not ‘normal’, and don’t let your mother pretend it is. Most of the carers on this site are the same age as your mother, and are certainly not being cared for themselves.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
Oh I have given her the phone number to the free rides cleveland offers to senior citizens to their dr appointments and back home. They also provide free rides to grocery store and back home ! I also told her about getting her medications delivered to her apartment! My sis set it up. My mom used it for maybe a month or two and claimed she was afraid someone was going to steal her meds so she stopped. I recently told my mom she could order her groceries online and get them delivered to her place for a very small fee. I told her I would show her how to do it. I actually order mine ahead of time and pick it up where they carry it to my car. Mind you my mom gets on FB and post all the time. She sends us pictures and texts us and she uses the Walgreens app. My mom could def figure out how to order her groceries ….. but she told me she wasn’t interested. It’s not like she has anything else to do. I know she is fully capable of doing all these things to make her life and her kids easier but she refuses
(1)
Report
Oh my gosh, she doesn’t want a driver. She wants a personal assistant that does it all!

My oldest brother did this too. He wrecked his vehicle. Then expected me to be his chauffeur all over creation. It becomes too much.

She has used not renewing her license to be able to control others.

Place Uber on her phone and show her how to use it if she is opposed to the bus.

If Uber is out than write the names and numbers of a couple of reputable cab companies for her to use.

Best wishes to you and your family.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
LynnAnderson Jul 2021
I told her about uber but she said no she isn’t getting in cars with strangers. The yellow cabs went out of business in Cleveland. Funny thjng tho … I told her my patients who are her age and older are way more independent then her and they drive themselves to their drs and shopping etc. I told her if she got her license she could drive to see her grandkids , drive to parks , museums , do whatever she wanted bc she could. Bc her health was so good right now that she should take advantage of being retired and able to travel and do whatever she wanted. She just ignored me. She did mention one time that she can’t afford a car and insurance but she gave my sis 8-9 thousand dollars for downpayment on her new home and she tells me she puts money every month away into her savings for emergencies and she told me she has thousands in the bank right now. So I know she can afford a used car. Then my sis told her if she just got her license then she could borrow her car and take herself to drs and shopping etc. well my mom ignored that too
(1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter