I am a 47 female who lives at home with my mother. I am finding it extremely difficult as she is negative about EVERYTHING. From the minute she gets up to the minute I go to bed she is constantly negative. Moaning about money and how she has none...though that's her own fault she blames everyone else. Complains that no one bothers with her...she doesn't bother with anyone so why should they make all the effort!! My sister stood up to her and told her some much needed and deserved home truths..result? My mother no longer speaks to her because she cant see that she done anything wrong. My brother is headed in same direction. His wife now refuses to let my mother in their house, not that my mum knows this yet but I do. I know people will say just move out, your an adult just leave and I had been intending to do so then she was diagnosed with two types of blood cancer and I now feel that if I leave it will seem as if she is being deserted. I want to live my life with out living under this great big black cloud of negativity. I feel as if I have no right to be happy and live my life because she hasn't the money or people around her to live hers. The house is a mess...I gave up years ago because she wouldn't help. I am becoming resentful as my brother and my sister have their lives and I have nothing apart from feeling chained to my mother. I feel I wont be free until the day she passes and I feel terrible for feeling that I really do but I see no other route for me apart from just disappearing and starting over else where.
It sounds like you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.
I know my mom doesn't like people coming to our house .. But I'm at the point of "Tough Sh*t!!" I happen to live there too. So ... She can suck it up. I will invite people over, she can go to her room if she doesn't want to be social.
Regarding the negative comments ... I have 2 ways of dealing with it.
1- For every negative comment she utters, I have a positive come back..
Example - MOM: "I hate this Fu*king country!! (We live in Canada .. So really?)
ME - I LOVE this country, it's so beautiful and the prime minister is so hot!
This seems to tire my mom out … all the positive talk exhausts her. So she usually stops talking.
If that fails I use technique # 2 ... And yes, this will be frowned upon by medical professionals.
We are in the Dr office and a middle age woman, bald likely due to chemo walks by ..
MOM - "Well .. At least I have hair"
ME - "Negative comment # 10!"
MOM - "Why do you work out so much … you have arms like a lumberjack!"
ME - "Negative comment # 55"
You get the gist … I point out all of her negative comments. Honestly, this actually turns her around. It never lasts but I can get a few hours of happy.
I believe people that are extremely negative get some type of payoff. I don't feel bad for pointing out her negativity, like your Mom, she has always been this way. It's just worse now.
If you choose to stay in her house … don't be her punching bag! Smile all the time and give yourself 2 positive comment for each of her negatives. Do it for a day … and see what happens!
Hugs!!! You aren't alone.
Lifelong issues within a family are so complex that I think it helps to have a professional person who can put things in focus. Establishing an internal dialogue inside our head that promotes positivity is vital. I certainly do wish you all the best in finding a more positive environment.
PS, she hasn't gotten over her depression.
I empathize so much with you, because I live with my self-centered mother. It is harder than most people realize. I'm 64 and my mother is totally dependent on me physically. Still, I would like nothing better than to get away. It is so lonely in her house. (I'm a long-term visitor, too.)
I agree she does have narcissistic qualities. Whenever I tell her about something that's happened to me during the day she turns it round to something that happened to her so I gave up telling her anything.
I couldn't stay another twenty years!!! I liken it to a marriage that has run it's course.....I want a divorce. Guess the only thing I can do is start making plans to go then do it. I can't let any more of my life slip away. Thanks for your comments everyone.
You are going to have to stop spending a lot on your mother. This is going to sound mean, but she has made a certain bed for herself. It is not your job to stay in that bed she made or to pay her so she can stay in it. I get the feeling this runs deep and she has made you feel that you owe her in some way. I think that all birth certificates should be stamped "Paid in Full." What we do for our parents is out of love or respect. We don't owe them our lives like that.
I have a strong feeling you might enjoy counseling and learning more about adult children from dysfunctional families. Your mother sounds like a narcissistic type personality. We have a lot written about them here on the site. There is also a lot on the internet if you have time to look.
If you need to leave to begin enjoying your life, then I encourage you to prepare yourself to do it. If your mother disowned you it sounds like you wouldn't be losing much. But this is something you have to work through for yourself, because you know your situation and how you feel. It is why I think that counseling would be such a good idea if you feel you are able to talk to someone. You'll have to look around for just the right counselor to make it work right.
The other option would be to stay with your mother. No one knows, but she could live 20 more years. You would probably be on Medicare by that time, broke because all your money went to her, and wondering what in the world you are going to do now. You don't owe her that.
One other question -- what type of income does she get? and why does she need to get money from you?
My mother has always been this way but I guess it wasn't so bad to put with when I had my sister and brother there to take some of the burden but now my sister and mum are estranged, my brother and sister in law no longer have her in the house so it's all heaped on me...I have to listen to all her problems and negativity and believe me it's from the minute she gets up till bedtime. She is a very selfish woman. I will give one example. My father passed away two years ago and obviously myself, sister and brother were very upset as it happened suddenly....my parents had been divorced for years, dad re married...myself and my siblings drew together and got on with supporting his wife and dealing with funeral arrangements and the financial problems we had no idea they had. My brother was desperately trying to help our step mum to sort finances so that she wouldn't lose the house and at this time my mother decided she was bankrupt, loading all this on me..I cracked up at her because I knew she wasn't but still she phoned my brother with her 'problem' . Even though my brother was stressed out doing what he was doing he looked at it and said no mother you are having a short term cash flow problem nothing else and he has never forgiven her for that which is totally unlike my brother. Plus on the day of the funeral when I came home there was no hug or how did it go? All I got was well when it's me I don't want all this fuss. No one is to come to my funeral or take time off their work because they're upset you've to go to work and carry on as normal.....nice eh?
Anyway as for her cancer she has multiple myloma and lymphoma. Both are not giving her any problems right now she is being monitored for now and receives no treatment. She is fit and healthy and well able to look after herself. she does not need me to do anything for her unless she feels bad some days in which case I merely cook meals etc. She even joined my gym and I can no longer go there on my own because the minute I say I'm going then she goes too, very annoying because that was my sanctuary where I could just switch off and work out in peace and now I cant.
She has been depressed in the past but got over that. I guess I feel I owe it to her to stay as she has given me a roof over my head for the past 47 years plus if I leave that's it, she has no one. When my sister in law still talked to her she tried to encourage her to socialize and go to the church activities that her parents go to but my mother feels this is below her and she's better than that. In fact thinking on it she thinks she's above anyone else.
JessieBelle I feel like a long term visitor. I can't invite people over or have a 'proper' relationship as she doesn't like people in the house. I don't think I've had a friend in my 'home' since I was a teenager....god, seeing that typed down is really sad...:(
Now at 47 I want to do things and see the world...I want to see Australia...but I again feel bad because I'm spending my money on something I want to do when she is getting deeper into a financial mess which her brother helped her out of but she is just right back where she started and again I feel that's my fault and I should be handing her all my wages to stop her stressing.
I really do need to leave even though I know she'll probably disown me too.
I understand how it is to live with a grouch. I wondered if you felt it was your home, too, or if you feel like a long-term visitor. If it is your home, I know you don't want to have to leave. If she doesn't need you, though, and you feel like you're only a visitor, I would look around to see if there is something out there. We don't owe our happiness to anyone. They have no right to make people around them miserable.
Also, how long has she been so negative? Have you noticed any type of cognitive decline with her? Sometimes, people who have dementia start out with negative and oppositional behavior. That happened with my cousin. She became very cross, contrary, and confrontational. At the time, I didn't know what was going on. Later, came the memory, lack of focus, confusion, etc. I'd keep that in mind as a possible explanation. If symptoms warrant, I'd mention it to her doctor.
If she won't get help for her condition and continues to make it impossible to live with her, then, I think I would certainly consider finding peace somewhere else. I'm not sure why some people have this determination to sacrifice their life for another, when the person's conduct is destructive and hurtful. Becoming a martyr serves no purpose, imo. AS LONG AS SHE IS mentally competent, I'd make other arrangements.
You don't say that you provide care for her like, cooking, bathing, administering meds, etc. If you do, I'd let her make other arrangements for that care through a service or other family member and provide her adequate notice of your intentions.
I'm not sure I understand why it's wrong to protect yourself from toxic people or make your own life happy. Maybe, there is something in the family dynamic that is causing this. Maybe, a counselor might help. Plus, posting on this site seems to be helpful to a lot of people. Many people come from similar situations.