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I am a 47 female who lives at home with my mother. I am finding it extremely difficult as she is negative about EVERYTHING. From the minute she gets up to the minute I go to bed she is constantly negative. Moaning about money and how she has none...though that's her own fault she blames everyone else. Complains that no one bothers with her...she doesn't bother with anyone so why should they make all the effort!! My sister stood up to her and told her some much needed and deserved home truths..result? My mother no longer speaks to her because she cant see that she done anything wrong. My brother is headed in same direction. His wife now refuses to let my mother in their house, not that my mum knows this yet but I do. I know people will say just move out, your an adult just leave and I had been intending to do so then she was diagnosed with two types of blood cancer and I now feel that if I leave it will seem as if she is being deserted. I want to live my life with out living under this great big black cloud of negativity. I feel as if I have no right to be happy and live my life because she hasn't the money or people around her to live hers. The house is a mess...I gave up years ago because she wouldn't help. I am becoming resentful as my brother and my sister have their lives and I have nothing apart from feeling chained to my mother. I feel I wont be free until the day she passes and I feel terrible for feeling that I really do but I see no other route for me apart from just disappearing and starting over else where.

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Has your mom been evaluated for depression? Sometimes, depression can cause people to lose hope, feel down, not plugged in, etc. Plus, there is the cancer treatments...I have you talked to her doctor about her mood? I might see how that turns out and see if medication might improve her mood. I know that my mom had A LOT of problems, including health issues and meds for depression have really cut down on her symptoms. I'd explore it.

Also, how long has she been so negative? Have you noticed any type of cognitive decline with her? Sometimes, people who have dementia start out with negative and oppositional behavior. That happened with my cousin. She became very cross, contrary, and confrontational. At the time, I didn't know what was going on. Later, came the memory, lack of focus, confusion, etc. I'd keep that in mind as a possible explanation. If symptoms warrant, I'd mention it to her doctor.

If she won't get help for her condition and continues to make it impossible to live with her, then, I think I would certainly consider finding peace somewhere else. I'm not sure why some people have this determination to sacrifice their life for another, when the person's conduct is destructive and hurtful. Becoming a martyr serves no purpose, imo. AS LONG AS SHE IS mentally competent, I'd make other arrangements.

You don't say that you provide care for her like, cooking, bathing, administering meds, etc. If you do, I'd let her make other arrangements for that care through a service or other family member and provide her adequate notice of your intentions.

I'm not sure I understand why it's wrong to protect yourself from toxic people or make your own life happy. Maybe, there is something in the family dynamic that is causing this. Maybe, a counselor might help. Plus, posting on this site seems to be helpful to a lot of people. Many people come from similar situations.
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Move out. Make sure you do not have POA, or you can be charged with neglect. Go. Live.
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fedup, what types of blood cancers are they? Did the doctor give any prognosis on the quality and length of life she can have? Some blood cancers can really take it out of you. I had a friend with acute leukemia. He was up and down to the extremes.

I understand how it is to live with a grouch. I wondered if you felt it was your home, too, or if you feel like a long-term visitor. If it is your home, I know you don't want to have to leave. If she doesn't need you, though, and you feel like you're only a visitor, I would look around to see if there is something out there. We don't owe our happiness to anyone. They have no right to make people around them miserable.
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Oh dear. You need to move, get back to counseling and let your mom sort herself out the best she can. You've been given lots of good advice here; none of it was "stay and listen to her misery".

PS, she hasn't gotten over her depression.
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Well, I just happen to live with the queen of negativity. The only positive thing she say is "good morning" then it all goes to sh*t after that.
It sounds like you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.
I know my mom doesn't like people coming to our house .. But I'm at the point of "Tough Sh*t!!" I happen to live there too. So ... She can suck it up. I will invite people over, she can go to her room if she doesn't want to be social.
Regarding the negative comments ... I have 2 ways of dealing with it.
1- For every negative comment she utters, I have a positive come back..
Example - MOM: "I hate this Fu*king country!! (We live in Canada .. So really?)
ME - I LOVE this country, it's so beautiful and the prime minister is so hot!
This seems to tire my mom out … all the positive talk exhausts her. So she usually stops talking.
If that fails I use technique # 2 ... And yes, this will be frowned upon by medical professionals.
We are in the Dr office and a middle age woman, bald likely due to chemo walks by ..
MOM - "Well .. At least I have hair"
ME - "Negative comment # 10!"
MOM - "Why do you work out so much … you have arms like a lumberjack!"
ME - "Negative comment # 55"
You get the gist … I point out all of her negative comments. Honestly, this actually turns her around. It never lasts but I can get a few hours of happy.
I believe people that are extremely negative get some type of payoff. I don't feel bad for pointing out her negativity, like your Mom, she has always been this way. It's just worse now.
If you choose to stay in her house … don't be her punching bag! Smile all the time and give yourself 2 positive comment for each of her negatives. Do it for a day … and see what happens!
Hugs!!! You aren't alone.
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Oh, my. This is bad :'(

You are going to have to stop spending a lot on your mother. This is going to sound mean, but she has made a certain bed for herself. It is not your job to stay in that bed she made or to pay her so she can stay in it. I get the feeling this runs deep and she has made you feel that you owe her in some way. I think that all birth certificates should be stamped "Paid in Full." What we do for our parents is out of love or respect. We don't owe them our lives like that.

I have a strong feeling you might enjoy counseling and learning more about adult children from dysfunctional families. Your mother sounds like a narcissistic type personality. We have a lot written about them here on the site. There is also a lot on the internet if you have time to look.

If you need to leave to begin enjoying your life, then I encourage you to prepare yourself to do it. If your mother disowned you it sounds like you wouldn't be losing much. But this is something you have to work through for yourself, because you know your situation and how you feel. It is why I think that counseling would be such a good idea if you feel you are able to talk to someone. You'll have to look around for just the right counselor to make it work right.

The other option would be to stay with your mother. No one knows, but she could live 20 more years. You would probably be on Medicare by that time, broke because all your money went to her, and wondering what in the world you are going to do now. You don't owe her that.

One other question -- what type of income does she get? and why does she need to get money from you?
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Whatever you do, don't quit work to become her full yime caregiver! There afe other resources out there, even if she must go onto Medicaid, and have caregivers in to help her. It may even come down to her having to sell her home, and move into residential care. You need to stay independent of her financially, so that you have a retirement of your own! Too many people make that mistake, and become destitute themselves. You can assist her in finding that help, but don't become enslaved to her. You would always be able to find a place of your own. You take care of you!
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Thanks JessieBelle....does it sound bad to know there are other people in the same boat as me? And what a lonely boat it is. Yes she had a separate life from her parents so your right I'm entitled to one to, it's just so hard when I've been her constant throughout my life and I will feel incredibly bad leaving but everyone is right I need to think about me and live life before it's to late for me. I'm just glad that she is capable of looking after herself, I really feel for you having a parent totally dependant on you..:(
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Fed up everyone is telling you right. My mother is a narc. I wish I had left when I was much better but the manipulation is such that you dont see them for what they truly are. I so wish that I had left with my son and started my own life. I dont know what it would have been like but Im sure my mental emotional and spiritual self would be much stronger if I wasnt around such pure hatred. My mother is selfish self centered all that . You are being manipulated to be her hand maid and extension. Even now I see and know the tones of and types of manipulation wheter its gonna be nobody helps me or a big blame. I understand it is hard when you feel safe where you are but its not worth you sense of happiness and self worth. Trust me she will suck all your life and then kick your carcass. Its happened to me all my life but it was when I was down and out that I saw it for what it truly was and the pain led me to the site and this site has given me great information that has change my life. Not to mention the support and encouragement. I spent a lot of my off days hanging out dancing away the stress and pain and surrounding myself to people who were good in spirit. I was lucky enough to have some loving and beautiful cousins deceased now who loved me unconditionally like a sister. I hope you have a positive inlet somewhere and keep checking the site the info on narcissism is a big eyeopener.
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JessieBelle - I love the "paid in full" stamp idea. The "they changed your diapers, now it's your turn" line of reasoning just makes me want to blow my head off!
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