Elderly mother’s resistance to wearing face mask during Covid crisis - anyone had a similar problem?

A quick update on the mask situation. Yesterday we went to the pharmacy. Mum said she didn’t think it was worth the bother of putting on a mask just to go to one store. I told her we would be driving straight home again if she didn’t put it on. She put it on. My concern is that, unsupervised, my mum could bring the virus into our house as she just doesn’t get the idea that we’re trying to protect other people as well as taking precautions to protect ourselves. I can’t trust her to do the right thing and to follow the law. I’m really tired of having to constantly enforce this.

Oh yes, had and having these same issues. You have to remind her everytime she goes out and stay with her to remind her again and again to wear her mast, keep distance between herself and others. It is a daily part of her care. I dont argue with her or try to tell her that this is something that everyone has to deal with daily. I simply remind her and wait until she complies and if she does I tell her then we have to go home, this is not optional and she complies for a few moments or 30 minutes if I am lucky. Sometimes I make it a game and that works better. I ask her whci mask is better and which mask she will wear today. Sometimes she says none but most of the time she choses like it is part of her outfit. Good luck. I would love to hear other thoughts as well.

I have two simple suggestions. Totally refuse in every way to do ANYTHING for her in terms of taking her out of the house. Second, if it is a must go out situation, take some kind of tape or string and tie it in such a way that it is impossible for HER to remove it.

sounds like your answer was the best......"if you don't/won't wear the mask, you can't go".....tell her she can stay home and you will handle all of her tasks.  Personally I hate wearing the mask also, but I put mine on right before I step into a business and take it off immediately upon leaving.  we all need fresh air.  But when we have to do something to keep people healthy, then it is, what it is.  Again....tell her no mask......no go.  wishing you luck

Stick to your comment - She either wears the mask or you don't take her out.  It's her choice. 

My friends son has CP it is a struggle for him to wear the mask and walk around.  He's good for about 10 minutes and then it is too much for him.  We try to make the errand short and one of us will go out to the car with him while the other finishes.

I take my husband out to dr. appts. Twice he wore a mask because he couldn't go in w/out one. He kept pulling it off, and getting agitated. I bought shields! That was the answer here. He said he could breath. Problem solved.

Chriscat, I take my hat off to you for getting so quickly to the key realisation:

your mother's behaviour is NOT your responsibility.

Accessing your Zen-like calm place when your loved elder does or says crashingly embarrassing things in public is a crucial skill :)

[thinks: I've never met this person...]

Yes, and it's part of the disease; well the "not wanting to do what they want to" like a 5 y/o because they've made it this far in life w/o someone telling them what They must do. My Mom is Still vehemently denying that she has Dementia; says it's just normal old age or from lack of routine; and she now has about a 10 min short term memory at best. I will not take her out anywhere anymore other than the doctor's office because she constantly complains she's hot, it's stupid, she can't breathe, etc... and loud enough to get crossed looks from people 20 ft away. All you can do is try to keep her distracted from the mask or ask her if she'll wait in the car; if you're just gonna be inside for less than 10 min.

When I made my original post, I hadn’t intended for people to get into an argument about whether or not masks are the right way forward. I think it would be better to agree to disagree about this if we have conflicting ideas, as everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect that. I think my post was more to do with how to handle an elderly family member dismissing whatever the local laws/rules are, and this could apply to other scenarios as well as mask wearing. On reflection I also think that much of my anxiety about this was fear of me being publicly challenged about her behaviour as though it was my responsibility. I can see from the responses that my mother’s behaviour isn’t my responsibility, so I can let these anxieties go. My mother doesn’t have Alzheimer’s and is in possession of all of her faculties, but is quite selfish, and just does not see that she has any duty to potentially protect others by wearing a mask, as our UK laws demand. As well as being anxious, I think I am embarrassed as well as being annoyed when we have been out and she has tried to duck out of doing what is required of her, with no real grounds for doing so. For me, it has made going out even more stressful than it already is at the moment.

!st tell her it's the law, and a finable offense, and multiple tickets could lead to jain time, and she is protecting herself from dying, and others from the same fte if she is a carrier. If she cannot drive, and you must take her anywhere, then tell her you will not drive her, and ask her to pay for a Cab, Taxi, Uber, Lift, and when her pocketbook starts running low, since all of the car services req uire a mask, she will eventually get the picture, but you MUST BE FIRM. FIRM is not bad when it is for someone's own good, and others.

i have made several styles of mask. I have found this mask to be the most comfortable. Maybe someone could make her one

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KQP3YFJOhDg

Imho, the statement "like a petulant child" sums it up pretty well. She knows the rules about the Novel Coronavirus as she follows them on the news, but she chooses not to put them into use for HERSELF. She will have to stay home until she decides she wants to follow the protocol put in place by your area's Governing body. I do not advocate that she be the ride along who stays in the auto while you go into the shop for many factors, e.g. an auto can get HOT and the windows down is not a valid option, an elder is not safe alone in an auto, the possibility of crime, the possibility of her exiting the auto and a lot more.

Years ago my FIL had a terrible case of the shingles that affected his face and head for the rest of his life. He had his doctor give him a note that he carried in his wallet that said he didn’t have to wear a seatbelt. (Not sure how that helped his face?)
When he rode with me he would spout this as if we hadn’t heard it a hundred times already. The nerve damage was real. We were sympathetic to that factor. I told him fine, but for safety he would need to ride in the back seat. He would put the seatbelt on.
We always had to go through this but I wouldn’t start the car until it was settled. A little harder for you with the mask.

I would immediately stop taking her out - no matter what she needs to have done, do not take her out. Tell her flatly either she wears the mask or you are done with her. DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER. Be tough and stand your ground.

If mask is the rule, she needs to follow the rule. If she will not follow the rule, she needs acceptable alternatives or consequences. Consider options if she will not wear her mask: stay outside in the car (with windows opens since it is summer), be escorted to car when she takes her mask off, or being left home when must go out. It truly is a pain in the backside to have to be the "rule enforcer" but she obviously has problems with following this rule which is for everybody's safety.

As for whether or not masks are "healthy" or "work," I encourage people to get their information from reliable sources: Centers for Disease Control, National Institute of Health, WHO or the equivalents for your country. I also recommend the same when it comes to treatments for COVID. I know for a fact how much misinformation is out there since I am an RN and see it in social media all day long.

Do NOT force her to wear a mask!!! There are some people that need to be exempt because they can not breath with them on. You are hurting your mother by trying to force it. STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY! You are not protecting anyone by wearing a mask. The virus particles are so small that they go right through the mask. Mask simply do not work! Go through the drive through when possible and distance yourself from those with symptoms.

If she had dementia or Alzheimer's this is expected

Yes I have had the same problem with my husband that is in mid stage Alzheimers. I do not take him shopping with me but when he went to the doctor he had to have it on and he really fussed about it as well as when we are in the halls of our apartment building. I have just had to be very firm with few words, then walk ahead of him. I look back to see he is wearing it and his complaining has stopped. A naughty kid that doesn’t want to be told to do something.🙃

The masks are an important tool for forcing conformity and control. They also allow us to breathe in our own carbon dioxide, plus maintain a nice, warm environment to breed more bacteria from our mouth and nose. Heaven forbid we should expose ourselves to fresh air or even the ultra violet rays of sunshine.

The masks do not protect you from the virus. Go to Dr. Mercola and read his informative articles if you wish.

Here our medical health officer requested everyone wear one. When asked if it would protect others from the virus she admitted that no it does not.

There are certain folks that cannot wear masks ( I am one of them) and here in Canada you are not harassed if you do not wear one for medical reasons. In respect of others I stay six feet back when in a grocery store and go on off hours when the store is almost empty. That is the only time I go out.

When mom goes visiting friends in a seniors home she stays six feet away and there is no problem as they are outside. Many of the residents refuse to wear them and she cannot wear one for medical reasons.

If your mother is being selfish and narcissist then just be firm and inform her these are the rules and she has a choice: obey them or stay home. You have to be firm with a narcissist.

"I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again."

If you have drawn that line in the sand, STICK TO IT! If my mother was still mobile and cognitively aware, she would either wear it or be left at home. Leaving her in the car isn't the best way to deal with this issue. Cars can get hot, even with windows open.

Our mother has dementia. Her Macular Degeneration treatment was delayed a month. When they called again, it was to ask questions and list "rules". One rule was she had to go in alone. This doesn't apply for kids, but when I mentioned that she has dementia and also won't stand or walk unassisted, they said someone could go in with her. Then came the mask requirement. I laughed, and said good luck with that! Staff had to take away her hearing aid as she would keep taking it out. One very new one went AWOL, likely wrapped in tissue or napkin at mealtime and tossed. She doesn't even like staff wearing the masks. I think part of it is she is minimally able to read lips, a bit, but with a mask, she can't do that.

YB is now the designated transport. The place is outside the facility transport and I can no longer support her weight. HE has tried twice now to get out of this. It is only 4x/year!!! He actually called them the day before the appt to try to get out of it because she likely wouldn't wear the mask. I told him they were aware of the issue, but what do I know? He could have called sooner to address this, but as usual he waits to the last minute for things like this!

So, if your mother has her "faculties", then it is her choice - wear it or stay home.

As I commented to someone else, a ventilator or coffin will mess up her hair a lot more and longer than wearing a mask while shopping!! Find some images to show her! And stand your ground on that line in the sand!!!

I find the cotton mask less offensive and hot, much easier to breathe. Remind her if she gets the virus she will go to the hospital. This works for my mom.

Tell mom she can either wear her mask and not complain or stay home. She can make you a grocery list. We often use a grocery delivery service and I shop online. Try to get as many things delivered as you can and make it easier for you.

I hate wearing mask too because I think it's harmful to me plus it's hard to breathe so I don't go a lot of places but when I do go to a place that has mandatory mask then I put one on.

You can twll your mom, she had a choice wear one when mandatory or stay home or wait in the car

Show her video how it spreads and she needs to protect others too. See if you can get her to make her own mask plenty utube videos on that also.

My Mom is aware of why masks are necessary, but says she can't breathe with one on, and actually pulled hers off in the middle of a shopping trip. As far as acting out like a child; our alzheimers/dementia loved ones are a lot like children in many ways, God bless them. Even if your Mother doesn't have dementia, she may feel panicky about covering up her nose and mouth, and is possibly afraid while not wanting to admit. It may be a power play, if she normally balks at being told what to do. Also, she may not be able to fully accept this Covid situation even while hearing and knowing about it ; the whole thing may be personally overwhelming. If you have control of her outings, I agree that you tell her she can't accompany you unless she wears a mask, and that if she takes hers off, turn around and take her home. She needs to know and accept that her life may depend on wearing one.

Show her a picture of the Queen wearing a face mask. And perhaps make a face mask at home -- there is a 5-dart pattern on youtube that puffs out and does not touch the nose or mouth, so it's more comfortable. Also, if the ear loops bother her, then a tie (but that would mess up her hair). Is your mom passionate about any causes? If you find fabric that reflects that (a favorite dog breed? A charity?) and hand-sew one, or make a cut-out and applique or glue on to your existing mask.

If your mom is fussy about many things, then it could be a sign of aging brain. You could emphasize that the virus is in the air and trying to invade her body, that you have to protect your mother from this invader trying to find ways to get in. I bought a pack of the clear plastic face shields -- I am not sure if they replace a mask, or if the law accepts them as a substitute.

Also, to help her get through it, quantify how long she has to wear it: show her on her own calendar that the vaccination will be available in maybe two months. If she goes to a store 2x/wk, then she will don a mask 16 times, each time for average of ten minutes, so she'll wear a mask 160 minutes. Just like a pedometer traces steps, or a fitbit traces things, she can use a counter on her cellphone. If you are going grocery shopping, then make a list beforehand so she can limit store-time. Quantification may give her back some control over her life, plus you give it a finite duration, say three months before the vaccination is available. And be very very patient -- this is difficult for many seniors to deal with. Everybody is handling the stress in different ways. She can even keep a diary about it and let her favorite news media know how she's doing with her challenge.

Another thing that you can do is give her reward points for each minute (timed) that she has a mask on. Give her a nice reward, too.

Another thing -- on the Lung.org website, there is a tutorial on face mask wearing, including tips to acclimate to wearing a face mask. Read to her the face mask wearing rationale and the tips. There may be a video.

If you think it may help, you can also share with her that many other people feel the way she does, but that she is lucky to have someone (you) to help her through this rough patch, and that you have her back.

Also, always carry extra masks for your mom. EArly on, I accordian-pleated a paper towel and used two rubber bands for ear loops. I still do that occasionally, because they are SO familiar in fabric, (paper towel); you can add a square of TP as a new filter each time. It's not the greatest, but it's easy and understandable.

She is SO lucky to have you. Hang in there, caregiver. My mom is 97 and never leaves the house, and I'm her caregiver. Your mom is lucky she can still go out.

My mom doesn't like wearing one, but I blame her dementia. She doesn't quite understand the importance.

I don't like my glasses getting fogged up but do not complain. It is the law to wear masks unless a medical reason not to. If not able to wear a mask or even face shield, do online shopping and have purchased delivered to you. Can't online it yourself? Call 211, a relative or a friend and ask to please have them do it for you.

My mom was the same way. I got her a face shield (off Amazon), it goes on with a clear glass frame and she actually LOVES it! I figure anything is better than nothing.

Also, with anti-maskers here who say it violates their rights, I say the law requires you to cover other body parts every time you are in public. Does that violate your civil rights? Do you truly believe we should let everyone who wants to walk around naked? Every person so far has no response at that point.