My Mother has always put her own health first. Since I can remember she has 'moaned' about one illness or another. Often spending most of her time in bed. I used to believe what she said but eventually realised her professed illnesses were mostly an attention seeking ploy. Her illnesses were used to control me and my stepfather.
My 'golden child' brother was protected and she didn't like to upset him. I was fair game though. My stepfather was an obedient enabler. So much of my life has been affected by feelings of guilt and dread of her volatile nature.
I live 25 miles away from them but over the last few years I have tried to help them both on a weekly basis. Though nothing I do is of significance. I have done alot for them both. I have a family of my own but I can't mention what I do for them as my Mother will turn on me saying why don't you do something for us!
Often my mother is both physically and verbally hostile towards me. I am 65 now and she drains the life out of me!
Now she constantly asks me to move in with them to totally care, cook and deal with my stepfathers incontinence etc! He does have daily homecare twice a day. They are both sound of mind.
If my Mother was an easier individual My dilemma would be so much easier but her hostile behaviour is often a nightmare. At the age of 89 she has so much energy and yet to hear her she is at death's door.
If I lived with her she would be the death of me I know!
I'm not a shy introverted type. I am a strong woman who held down a very responsible job but my Mother saps the very life out of me.
The more I see her, often the worse she treats me.
Now she constantly tells me I need to do more for them by moving in with them!
My Mother says its my duty to care for them now they are old ( not my Brothers!)
Incidentally, neither of them cared for their own parents in any way whatsoever!
I know I just can't live with her so how can I handle her constant request?
If I remember correctly, the first question I asked this forum was something along the lines of, "How do I deal with my mother's demands?" In 2 years, here's what I've learned: People like your mom have a radar for doubt and indecisiveness, which, given the opportunity they'll exploit by making demands and imposing FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). They don't care one whit about you, your health, your feelings, or any negative fallout their demands may cause. It's all about them. Me, me, me. Besides, successful manipulation (for them) is a power trip. It feels good. )o;
Tell your mom in no uncertain terms you can't possibly move in with her. Tell her what you are willing to do and what you won't. Tell her when you're willing to do these things and how often. When you assume an attitude of "I can't possibly do that, but I can do this at such and such a time," you not only let her hear and see your resolve, but you've empowered and strengthened yourself.
One of the most powerful lessons I learned from a therapist is this: If there are things you genuinely want to do for someone, by all means do them (as long as they aren't detrimental or enabling). But don't do the things you don't really want to do. For caregiving, bring in professionals for that. A lot of seniors think they'll live forever. Of course they want to live out their days at home. But they don't consider that living "independently" is a misnomer if they've taken their family hostage to accomplish it. And that's not fair.
My family are being held hostage right now so my sister can live "independantly" (she has 3x disabilities & similar issues to seniors) but the negotiators have been called in.
If your parents need help, they hire it, or move to a living situation where many issues, like cooking and cleaning, are provided. Their preferences should not control your life - actually this thing is a kind of abuse of you. And no one will be better off if you wreck your mental/physical health.
The only way to not play that game with her is to tell her that you will not argue, if she gets nasty you will be leaving. Then when she gets ugly, you just walk out. Every time. Your stepdad needs to get a caregiver in to help him that knows how to deal with people like your mom, his care requires more than he is currently receiving, leaving you to feel obligated to continually put yourself in her crosshairs.
You say she is trying harder to be nice, but it doesn't last. Because she isn't really trying to be nice, she is trying to figure out how to control you, that's why it goes out the window. You don't comply and she reverts to what has always worked.
Your stepdad will never get the care he needs as long as you keep doing this dance. When things get bad enough people will change their minds about spending money so they aren't so miserable, you keep the misery at bay and quite frankly, you aren't helping anyone by not putting your foot down and refusing to prop up a situation that requires professional attention.
It took me until the age of 61 to realize that my mother was a Narc. By the time I was able to identify my mom as a Narc, both parents were living with me in my home b/c I wanted my Dad to be taken care of.
Honestly it was the worst year I ever remember - one night I actually walked into the street without looking first halfway hoping that I would be hit/killed and put out of my emotional pain. I have a loving husband, and a wonderful productive life, but in that moment when I realized that my own mother wouldn't ever love me, I was willing to end it all. That's how bad it can get.
Eventually I was able to get both parents into AL and since my Dad has passed, my Mom's dementia has gotten worse, and the narcissism has almost disappeared, in fact she has become the mother I longed for so many years.
My Mom catered to my Dad. He was waited on hand and foot. He "was" the King of his Castle. We were never abused and got what my parents could afford to give. He worked doubles so we would have a good Xmas. His problem was he had a sarcastic side. There was a thin line where he could be condescending and not think how he hurt someone. Me, I did not do well in school. Teachers always said I could do better. But I was lead to believe, if I didn't get it the first time thru I was just stupid. Working changed all that for me. I found my nitch and was a good employee. My Dad never encouraged his kids. But, thought I got over all that until one TG dinner. I made the statement about I never understood why my cousin, who was very intellegent, never did more with his life. My Dad made some comment about me being stupid. He said this in front of my daughters new boyfriend. I looked at my DH and told him I was leaving and I left. I got home and just cried. I really thought I got passed this. As Dad aged, he lost his filter. I KNOW he would have gone to LTC if Mom passed before him. Loved him, but I would not have been able to deal with him on a daily basis.
Next time the subject is brought up, tell Mom this is the last time you will discuss the subject. NO! you will not be caring for her or Dad. Tell her that it would not work because of her abusive behavior to you. So, the subject will be dropped and if not, you will chose not to help them at all or visit. Tell her she has always favored brother so go to him for help. When she starts hollering, walk out.
You may want to call Office of the Aging to see if they have a booklet of services. Get one and hand it to her.
We owe our parents the following: to make sure they r fed, clothed, clean, warm and cared for. That doesn't mean we have to be hands on.
My Mom has been sick with various ailments for the past 30 years. Once her husband passed she wanted me to take his place. It did not matter that I had a family and a full time job or that I was a widow myself. All that mattered was her, and I was a terrible daughter for trying to live my life and not being there for her every need.
No matter what I did it was never good enough. I have been married now for only 6 months and I have spent two of those months with her. Yet I still get the guilt trip for leaving.
I finaly and firmly put my foot down with the the advice from this group. I have arranged for her care, put her finances in order and let her guilt trips slide off of me. This terrible daughter is going home to her husband on the 29th and will NOT come back for a fake "crisis"
I've been belittled, talked down too, told I was stupid, ordered around for far to long. I love my Mother, I do but I am just done being her servant, when at my age she enjoyed life to it's fullest. It's not easy saying no, I understand that. But when I got the courage to do that more courage came.
If she does not like that then write your brothers contact information down and tell her to go live with them.
You do not need to tolerate abuse in any form. Stop helping her, it's never good enough anyways, so let her find someone else.
You have a family and you are important to them, are you really willing to let her suck all your life force and leave your family without you?
Doesnt matter what she did or didn't do for her parents, she actually lost any rights to your help many years ago by being abusive. Time to implement change, give her the contact information to get in home help, that is not you. Then stop taking her every call and when you do talk to her, if she gets ugly say I am not listening to the ugliness anymore and I will talk to you when you can treat me civilly.
I just read all the responses, it's great you love your step dad and that he is a nice guy, that doesn't obligate you. He married her, he enabled a lot of her terrible behavior and quite frankly this is what that looks like. We all make choices and all choices have consequences, these are his. He wasn't always old, ill and frail, yet he choose to stay.
They have the money to hire help, that's what needs to be done. He may actually have to stand up and say I need this and that's the end of it.
Yes I do say No and Yes I have gone No contact too but I worry about them both as they become older and more dependant.
My stepfather is a lovely man even though he has enabled my Mothers controlling behaviour. I want to help him and he is grateful for this but my Mother never sees what I do as enough. My Mother is very rarely thankful unless it's something my brother does for them. He spends money on them and tries to do what he can from 200 miles away!
I do believe that when she is focused on directing her negativity at me it somehow protects my stepfather. He was her carer for many years and now she has become his 'reluctant' carer!! She never had to do anything in the house as he did it all! Hence wanting me to move in!
Of course, you are all right and I will continue to say no I can't move in with her or do much more than I am already doing.
Thanks so much for all your support everyone.
Your stepfather is receiving care twice a day at home - what for, do you mind my asking?
And looking ahead, what's the plan for your mother?
Then at the age of 89 he fell down the stairs( carrying a tray down after waiting on my Mum in her bed!) He had many injuries but the worst was a bleed on the brain which resulted in a Crainectomy!
Now at the age of 92 he is housebound and hardly mobile at all. His mind is strong with no Dementia!
They will not enter outside care.
I know it's becoming harder for mty Mum but her only solution is to have me do more for them!
As I said her mind is as strong as ever! Never stops talking. She hates spending money even though they have enough.
its a hard situation Countrymouse.
Is the problem "I feel uncomfortable saying no"? (Or worse: heart palps, sweating?) I was right there in January.
Little fixes like stalling or making excuses just extended the agony.
To solve led me to learn how to say no. I had to learn how to change the horrible guilt geelings over saying no. To change my feelings I had to change my thoughts. Took professional help. I was so conditioned to please my folks. I started with a small no, then kept adding. Now! My No muscle is working out & looking good! (I still feel uncomfortable saying No, but way way less so).
My thoughts have now moved from: "I have to do everything they ask to help them - it's my family, my duty". To: "I am helping my family organise the appropriate care for themselves". These thoughts do not cause guilt, they cause pride that I am have a positive attitude.
Good luck working on your No.
I do say No but it usually results in an explosive result. I then argue with her and eventually walk out and drive back home ( upset and angry!). I then try to cut all contact for a period of time.
My feelings for my stepfather (and her) always take me back and recently she has been trying harder to be 'nice'! It doesn't last long though and the cycle starts again.
I don't have a problem saying No but the aftermath wears me out.
In fact I think that you may be wrong in saying that if she was an easier individual, your position would be easier too. At present her behaviour is so bad that your position is justified in being very straightforward - NO!
What do you mean, she is physically hostile to you?
Feeling helpless and ashamed that you, as a strong woman of the world with a successful career and grown family to your credit, are - I'm guessing - unable to stop your mother pinching or slapping you - for example? - would be *completely* *normal* in the victim of an abusive relationship. Is that how it's feeling?
when my Mother is both physically and verbally hostile towards me I don't just take it. I respond but I feel myself getting so angry with her and I worry about just how angry and retaliatory she makes me feel!
where could it end?
I do try to leave her as soon as I can but I also feel so sorry for my very ill and frail stepfather who needs me! He is a lovely man.
These mixed emotions are the hardest thing to deal with!
It is a complete answer. Why do you not feel you can just say "NO"? She won't like to - she doesn't have to. You are an adult. You do what you want to. End of discussion. NO.
NO.
Learn to say "no" in all of them.
Also. The problem here is not so much what your mother genuinely expects. If you turned up on her doorstep with your suitcase and your cat in a carrier she'd probably fall down in a dead faint. And it most certainly isn't about what she needs, guilt or anxiety about any real risk to her or your stepfather's wellbeing.
The problem is that your habit of compliance is so deeply ingrained that every time you "fail" to agree with her 100%, it brings *you* out in a cold sweat. It's almost Pavlovian. With no dinner, just the bell.
Have you had any therapy about this?
A full time caregiver is the remedy, on their dime, not on your sanity. You can visit and call as needed. Live your life guilt free. You can be a loving daughter without being taken advantage of. Good luck