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I go about once a week now due to disability and very little gas money. Each time I go, she is either soaking wet down to socks and shoes OR in the bathroom picking poop out of butt and washing it down the sink. She was doing the poop picking when I arrived this am. As USUAL, I help her wipe, clean up her fingers, flush stool, then, looked at her pamper and it was poopy as well. I get SO TIRED of having to CLEAN HER UP every single time I go visit. I looked down the hall and found an AIDE and motioned her to come and help my mom. I told her the story AGAIN...MOM NEEDS HELP with toileting. Poop is UNDER her fingernails and I didn't bring my fingernail poop cleaner today...she also has poppy pampers. Can you please help her????? LIVID!!! But, I didn't show it. A few minutes later, mom comes out of her room and sits with me on couch. I ask her how she is feeling....FINE she said. Then, I said, "I heard you were playing the piano earlier". She said YES....MEAN and hateful like. I asked her what song she played..figuring she would MAKE a story up as she always does. She got SO MEAN AND HATEFUL..and started YELLING AT ME. I asked..Why are you so mean and hateful towards me???/ her words....because YOU MAKE ME THAT WAY!!! I just got up and left. WHY IS THIS? I'm the ONLY one who has EVER been her caregiver, been to visit her, take her to her appt. take her to outings...the ONLY ONE!! I'm sorry I wasted my PRECIOUS GAS to go get THAT behavior..had it every day with her as a child. NO MORE.

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Nobody mentioned it, but if you want to get the nursing home to do their job, start documenting everything, taking pictures when you arrive and find feces on her hands, dirty adult diapers, etc. Keep exact logs of bowel and bladder issues and staff response when notified, how long it took them, anything you can. Make it obvious that you are photographing and logging, and that you need the information to discuss the situation with the State Board of Health. Ask them for the number of their Ombudsman (they are required to have one and give it to you). Nothing makes a NH respond better than fear of being reported, and the board of health takes a special interest in bowel and bladder issues, not just abuse. The NH is being paid to provide service, and they can indeed put your mom on a toilet assistance schedule. Talk to the administrator, make an appt. Talk to their Social Worker (they have one!), make an appointment. You have to go higher up than nursing staff. Above all, stay calm and polite, but be firm! This is a patient care issue, and it IS their job. Trust me, if the Board of Health arrived for their random inspections and saw fecal matter on your mother's hands, they would certainly make note! Also, even though you are frustrated cleaning her up, do it quietly and don't let it show. I'm guessing your mom knows enough to be humiliated on some level, and also can't control her behavior about elimination. People revert to early behaviors, so it's like yelling at a toddler who is learning toileting for the first time
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I don't know what state you are in, but please contact your state's elder care agency (often through Department of Human Services). States monitor nursing homes, and they can be seriously fined for poor care, uncleanliness, etc. They need to be reported. A memory care nursing home specifically for Alzheimer's, dementia, and brain injury patients can be a real blessing for both of you. Have you complained to her physicians? Please report this, not only for you and your Mom but all the other patients there as well. Nursing homes are rated-there is a list of those with bad reports and poor care. If you would let us know your location, perhaps some of the other caregivers here can point you to a good home or local services to call and raise holy h*ll. This is abuse. I am disabled, too, and my Mom's caregiver. Money is always a problem for me. The stress over your Mom has to be taking a toll on your mental and physical health, too.
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Teachergear1,, I wonder if you got the" Media" involved, if that might help? Sometimes when the" Public" sees whats going on more is done about it??!! Make documentation everytime you go in to see your mom, yhen show that to a reporter in your city or ,mial it to them w/copies of whats "NOT" happening to help your mom? Maybe then the powers that be will sit up and take notice! Just a thought,... since they might be in the same perdicament oneday??!! Have you in my prayers too....Godbless and take care of you!!
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@ teachergear1 , I have worked with lots of patients that are this way.. Your mother is confused and she knows she is confused.. She doesn't have control of the way she thinks or the things she does.. That's why she may be talking to you and it doesn't make good sense to u.. It just doesn't come out or happen the way she wants it to...and she gets up set.. Sorry you have to experience this.. PLEASE don't take it personal.. She will always be your mother the same mother you've always had.. Just with a different mind set.
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@teachergear there is a jumpsuit that zips up the back.. Your mother can't get if off without assist.. This will also mean that the aids would have to take her to the bathroom every 2 hours... To help her.. I hope this helps...
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I used to do all of her laundry...every item because the NH washes everything in hot water and it shrank up all of her clothes. I did this with no help from silblings as usual for several years. Back then, I had money for gas and wasn't in the shape I'm in today. The NH she is in now is 16-17 miles from me and I have no gas money, no job.(can't work anymore) .am awaiting disability determination. I'm behind on bills...phone/internet to be shut off soon. I've pawned or sold anything I had of value just to keep afloat waiting on disability. I never thought I would be in this condition at age 54 but I've worked hard my enire life (since 2nd grade). My back is shot and a host of other problems. Sister and I were made to work as soon as we got home from school each day and all weekends, cleaning the entire house (2 story), doing all laundry, doing all garden work (we had a HUGE garden)..doing all cooking, dishes, etc. Mom never worked and I still to this day have no idea what she did all day long all those years besides look at herself in the mirror. She still does this by the way. It's like she's in love with herself. I realize that's the N in her. But back to my situation...I just have no money for gas to do her laundry once a week.. I'm not even going to be able to visit her when next week gets here unless disability goes through. I just keep praying.
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Dear Teachergear, I am so appaled at the NH you have your mom in!!! This sounds to me like "ELDER ABUSE"... you can file a complaint because there are LAW'S agaist it! PLEASE look for information here and ask, there are many on this site that can "steer" you in the right direction. My sis is a CNA at a facility in Wa.,state, and they check their residents every 2 hrs ? Can't imagine it any different across the country??! Well,... know I'm sayin my prayes for you too!! Hang in there, you are doing everything you can for her at the moment... God sees that you are helping her and that should give you some comfort...I hope. Godbless
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Teachergear1, When you file your disability claime, tell them what your situation is? This might help in expiditing it for you? Just a thought. Or,..... how about having your siblings help take some of the resonsibility of caring for their mom too!?? Why are you the only one to carry the stress of caregiving?? Is she not their mother too? This way they can "SHARE" the" Same Disrespect" that you do from your mom...?! I know it's hard and there doesn't seem to be an end insite... but we are in your corner if you need to vent! Take care of you too!!! Godbless
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THanks Tessamargaret and msdaizy. It's funny you mention your mom thinking that you are stealing her things. In my case, it is MOM who does the stealing..although she doesn't realize it. She goes into other residents' rooms and takes things such as, hair accessories, stuffed animals, shoes, etc. I find her using them and say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She lives in her own little world so she says...Oh, I went to town today and bought it..LOL. I learned a long time ago not to try to give it back to whomever she had stolen it from. I guess if the people miss their things, they can tell the aides to go search for them. Now, the mens clothes that she brings back, I DO give back and ask to find the rightful owner. Of course, she still argues with me saying they are HER clothes. Sigh. It's never ending..but one must laugh or we will cry.
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Enjoylife---The sad part is ...that is how mom always was to me and sis..mean, hateful, physically abusive. I know no other mom. Nobody ever visits her but me. Nobody ever takes her out of there to visit relatives, attend funerals, dr. appts, shopping, out to eat....but me. She's the same ole mom she's always been but I guess I was hoping she'd somehow be nicer to me now. I should have known better.
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