Why is mom SO hateful, mean and ALWAYS disrespectful to me?? I'm the ONLY one who has ever cared for her and visit her at the NH.
I go about once a week now due to disability and very little gas money. Each time I go, she is either soaking wet down to socks and shoes OR in the bathroom picking poop out of butt and washing it down the sink. She was doing the poop picking when I arrived this am. As USUAL, I help her wipe, clean up her fingers, flush stool, then, looked at her pamper and it was poopy as well. I get SO TIRED of having to CLEAN HER UP every single time I go visit. I looked down the hall and found an AIDE and motioned her to come and help my mom. I told her the story AGAIN...MOM NEEDS HELP with toileting. Poop is UNDER her fingernails and I didn't bring my fingernail poop cleaner today...she also has poppy pampers. Can you please help her????? LIVID!!! But, I didn't show it. A few minutes later, mom comes out of her room and sits with me on couch. I ask her how she is feeling....FINE she said. Then, I said, "I heard you were playing the piano earlier". She said YES....MEAN and hateful like. I asked her what song she played..figuring she would MAKE a story up as she always does. She got SO MEAN AND HATEFUL..and started YELLING AT ME. I asked..Why are you so mean and hateful towards me???/ her words....because YOU MAKE ME THAT WAY!!! I just got up and left. WHY IS THIS? I'm the ONLY one who has EVER been her caregiver, been to visit her, take her to her appt. take her to outings...the ONLY ONE!! I'm sorry I wasted my PRECIOUS GAS to go get THAT behavior..had it every day with her as a child. NO MORE.
You seem to have done everything you can withing the N/H so send a letter to your State board of health and report the Nursing Home. You don't mention which state you are in but in NYS that will prompt a rapid inspection and penalties.dates and times are helpful as will be the names of everyone you speak to on your visits
For now while you can not afford the gas go less frequently, with your health issues it is too stressful and it does not help your mother.
Go maybe once a month and take a small gift - something really cheap like a single flower or piece of candy or fruit. Ask for your mother to be cleaned up. Don't find an Aide ring the bell and do it every five minutes three times. After that if you have a cell phone call the nurses station. Keep it pleasant at this stage but under no circumstances do the job yourself. Your back does not need the stress of fighting with an unpleasant smelly old lady. After about half an hour if nothing has happened. Put on a pair of rubber gloves and tell mother you are going for a walk, pick up a pair of her nastiest slippers and take her arm and walk her up to the nurses desk. Place the slippers on the desk and ask the duty nurse if she would like to see her mother forced to wear the slippers. After that you can get as nasty as you like but maintain your inner calm. On the other side of the coin if mother is cleaned up to your satisfaction. Just take her for a short walk making pleasant conversation, totally ignore anything unpleasant she says.return her to her room and leave
http://health.mo.gov/safety/abuse/
Please take photos of your Mom when you arrive, including her wet clothing, dirty fingernails, etc. Make a list of your recent visits and the problems your Mom had when you walked in. My aunt (who recently passed of Alzheimer's herself) visited her aunt in a nursing home and was appalled at the condition she found her in. She put a red mark with a magic marker on her. She went back a couple of days later after calling daily to inquire if she had been bathed and changed. They said she had. The mark was still there, though. She had her proof. The state will assist you in moving her usually if there is documented abuse. I know what you mean about Mom's treatment never changing. We keep hoping for approval and appreciation that never comes.
We agreed that our roles with our parent have somewhat reversed.
I can remember being a well stroppy teenager, unable to understand the restrictions I was subjected to, and drove my Mum to distraction!
We agreed that the roles are now reversed - they react just like we did ! 'Get out of my face' - 'You have no right' - 'I know what I'm doing' - or the classic - 'leave me alone, I'm ok - its you that's the problem.'
Having said that, the staff at your Mums place have a duty of care to look after your Mum, and clearly they are not doing so. I think you should kick up stink (appropriate!) - and ask some serious questions about her care.
Don't beat yourself up about your circumstances. You are doing the best you can according to your means. It's clear you care deeply. Change what you can, and don't stress over what you have no control over.
Best wishes to you and Mum
lefaucon