Elderly parent oversharing to strangers?

Loss of social filters. It's frequently an issue - a formerly withdrawn, correct, reserved person suddenly starts saying out loud what you're sometimes horrified to know they even think! I believe it's a problem with the frontal lobe of the brain (don't quote me, others will know better) - it malfunctions and there go all the person's good manners along with it.

Yes it's part of dementia and it does get worse. The only person who is still able to control themselves is now you. Explaining, shaming, scolding -- none of those things will work either before or after he interacts with people. You will need to deal with your own reaction of embarrassment so that you don't start to live in a heightened state of anxiety as you provide his care. In all likelihood he may eventually say things much more explicit and even completely untrue to anyone and everyone. You can try to redirect the conversations when he does this with others in your presence, and ignore it when it's just the 2 of you. I can't even write what my 99-yr old aunt says on a daily basis to everyone in our family and her caregivers. My own 92-yr old mother will give people the middle finger if she doesn't like their driving. Not funny in a time when people will shoot you for stuff like that.

I have learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She's an expert in her field and does an excellent job of explaining how dementia changes our LOs, why their social filters break and how to better engage with them for a more cooperative and peaceful relationship (as much as possible). If you are choosing to be your father's caregiver you are in a journey together with him. Best to learn as much as possible and use this forum for it's wealth of information and support. Blessings to you!

Yep! We came back from a weekend trip to the shore, my husband stood on the front porch and loudly announced to the neighborhood we were going to move there. Two neighbors heard this and started to ask me about this and I said take what he is saying with a grain of salt.
I think the old description of "a second childhood" is still apt, as it helps me to deal with increasingly less adult behaviors and devolving in to fewer personal restraints. If he's chatting too much with someone in the grocery store, I'll re-direct him to the next item on the shopping list and away we go!
Yesterday he made a remark about some people outside the house, it was very, very rude, and I said something to the effect "if you say that outside, you can not come shopping with me", firmly, not exactly scolding, more of a "not nice" tone, and I think he understood, I hope.

He obviously has dementia. If you are present, interrupt him at once and make him stop and immediately say to the person he is very ill mentally and confused and ignore him. There is nothing you can do except keep the visitors apart from him and stop him at once.

People aging do start acting like a child in this way.

They are honest about their thoughts and feelings just like a child saying they don't like their present instead of saying thank you.

I'm sure he means nothing by it and I'm sure whatever he says is taken with a grain of salt and I doubt the person he says it too really cares.

It's probably you that is really being embarrassed about it.

Just overlook it, as he probably isn't going to change as you mentioned, he's been doing it for years.

So far all I've done is to say in a casual manner - "Sorry, WE have Alzheimers. This will be forgot in a moment." And then turn to my husband and say…Yay, now we can go for ice cream.
Deflect, deflect, deflect.
My calm in contrast to his behavior is helpful to the innocent bystander.

I hope to keep it together as mistakes get worse. I keep a card at the ready that says, "Hello The person I'm with has Alzheimers Please be patient. Thank you". I got one from my caregivers support group's leader but it's purchasable online.

Btw, in speak about inappropriate behavior with a group of caregivers one spoke about turning away from her spouse for 2 minutes in the vegetable section of the supermarket and found her husband standing by the hot food section of the deli department with a piece of chicken in both hands munching away. The rest of us were hysterical laughing and nodding our heads.
But when another talked about jumping out of a parked car for barely 3 minutes to grab a prescription, that had been prepared and pre-paid, she came back to find her Mom outside of the car in Wash DC screaming at black people - "We Love Black People". This caregiver is an especially shy person. We immediately envisioned the horrible situation and all were rolling on the floor in tears laughing.

You know how some might say that somethings, like a dog, or shoes are so ugly they're beautiful, there are somethings that are so sad, or so shocking and relatable that it can strike a funny bone with people in the same boat.

Most times it seems almost too awful to endure the constant nonsense, but behaviors must be looked at by taking a step back, sometimes several, detach and take a breath. Doesn't always work for me. Being in the thick of it every second of everyday is destroying my brain and control, but I tell myself this is a challenge that with practice I might come out of it a better person. So far he's winning half the time.

Same problem here and I’m puzzled as well. I’m a retired nurse and left my own home out of state to come stay with Mom. This is a small town and she has a reputation of being honest and well liked. I always wonder what people are thinking when she tells them horrible stories, always detailed and opinionated. She often unleashes her anger and downright rage on me. I took her for her med check up and her doctor Is about her age and not a lot better off. Mom refuses another doctor’s help. I’ve been trying to help her for three years now and I’m going back to my own home for my own sanity. My sister will be here, but I can’t help but feel that I need to do more for her. Thank you for listening and best of luck to you!!!!

Social norms? What's appropriate to say or not say? Sounds like you are a socially conscious woke person. People should be able to say what they want to whom they want whenever they want. The woke police are working overtime. You are embarrassed? Get over it. I don't have many people to talk to and a Customer service rep or cold caller can be kept on the phone for an hr plus pretty often. I share painful, personal things with strangers caz I DON'T want to share with Dr's or people who keep track of EVERYTHING & gets to the Utah massive collection computers. Most of the time when these people engage with your sharing, they thank me because they have similar experiences and don't know how to handle them and elderly people have been there, done that and they find hope in a not politically correct honest person who doesn't fear saying what needs to be said and Yes. It's unusual to find, but a good thing in my opinion. Don't police what people say but caution is strongly recommended if sharing something with the wrong people. Strangers are more amused than likely to report you. I REALLY don't want to offend you. But a little awake vs woke is what we need now.

If this is unusual behavior for your father, then yes, you could be looking at increasing levels of failing cognition and so on. However, if that's the case, then there is little you can do about it but be certain that you get diagnosis, that someone has POA for protecting Dad, and etc. You will never be able to monitor him, and to be frank I don't think it's a good thing to try to do with ANY relative. It simply isn't our business what our parents, our children, others discuss. If you don't want things spread, keep them to yourself would be the admonition.
Add to all this is the problem of the fact that many of our elders are so lonely, and so wishing to tell their stories, that they are preyed upon by the nefarious callers out there seeking to tell them they have won a lottery in Nigeria if they will only send in the tax payment. So it can lead to problems.
I would suggest you stop worrying about his oversharing. People will sidestep that as you have already explained. Other than that they won't even believe the stories as it is unusual behavior for people to share such things. And if they DO believe them, honestly, so what?
So just see if you can monitor, get staging diagnosis, and set in place advanced directives and POAs.

Yes—my mother has been talking to me and my sister at length about her bowel movements (she's in AL). I chalked that up to her feeling comfortable enough around family, not necessarily to the dementia. But one day she put her AL friend on the phone, an older man who I've met once and who I'd guess is in an early stage of dementia. Then HE started telling me all about his bowel movements. That made me say "Hmm."

It is an adventure, isn't it?

Every 3 months I think things couldn't get much worse, and sure enough they do! In 6 months, you'll look back on this as the "Good Old Days". All I can do now is smile to myself and hope others realize that my Sweetie doesn't have any idea what he is saying or why. There is no control. No teaching moment. It is what it is.

Since you put your post under the Alzheimer's and dementia category, I'll assume your father is suffering from one of the dementia's and say yes, in that case, over sharing information and even confabulating stories is perfectly normal. Explaining the behavior to be inappropriate to him is a waste of time because he's likely to continue doing it. Once a demented elder gets an idea stuck in their head, you can't chop it out of there with an axe. Understanding social cues or what's appropriate or inappropriate has now vanished. Dementia has robbed him of that understanding, and will continue to ravage his mind as it progresses.

You can have cards printed up that say Please have patience with my father, he suffers from Alzheimer's, or something like that, and hand one out on the QT to a repairman visiting your home. That won't work with a phone caller, so you may want to get him off the phone by pretending you need his help or ringing the doorbell and saying he has a visitor.

Learn all you can about what to expect as his disease progresses. Get a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is a great resource guide for tips and questions.

Good luck!

Mom has lost any social cues … I so understand, SummerRaya! Mom shares stuff about our family with her ‘friends’ (as she calls them) who frequent the diner, like Mom does.

Latest is while leaving the diner, and in saying bye to all her ‘friends’ on the way out, she she’s a man with exposed hairy chest, reaches out and touches it, saying he has a hairy chest!! He wasn’t surprised, but told her ‘to behave herself’.

Sure it’s embarrassing, and have tried talking to her about boundaries, but it’s over her head at this point. Lealonnie1 is absolutely correct - understanding social cues has vanished…..

Your father very likely has dementia and his behavior sounds like her's lonely too and needs some socialization.
Does your town have a senior center he can join? Or an adult day care program he can go to a couple days a week to get out and be around people?
I wouldn't be worried about your father's innapropriate over-sharing being embarrassing to you. The worry I'd have is that he's going to over-share information with scammers and end up getting robbed or worse.

SummerRaya: I am sorry to read that your father suffers from dementia per your profile and/or the category that you listed it under. While perhaps the "receiver" of his oversharing may realize that perhaps something is amiss, if per chance you have the opportunity, you could say something on the downlow to the individual.

My mom used to do that twenty years ago - no dementia, just an annoyingly proud mother. Used to brag to the check out girls at the grocery store about my brother. He was off getting his masters overseas, and meanwhile these poor checkout girls are stuck in a dead-end job getting paid minimum wage. I tried to explain (for their sake as well as my own) that they’re not interested and man did she ever get mad at me screaming, “YES THEY ARE!!!”

Clueless. They’re was no reasoning with her.

Don't worry - its you that is getting embarrassed not your father. As long as he isn't giving out address and bank information then in some cases the people will be happy to have someone who talks - for instance check-out staff get fed up with spending days taking money and packing bags for people who don't even acknowledge them. If its workmen in the house just have a quiet word and tell them he will do this and to let you know if it becomes a problem. It would be a good idea to get cognitive tests for ALZ / dementia done, but you don't need to worry about him talking excessively to people you aren't going to see again, after all you aren't going to see them again.