I have moved in in my final year of University at the age of 23 to help my mother after her heart attack financially by paying rent and food for the two of us. Before this time I have lived independently for over 3 years. Since university, I moved to a different town with her 5 years ago where I found permanent post university employment. This allowed me to pay for all bills for a 3 bed house, rent and food etc and the annual trip to the country we are from. My mother has my father's pension (post death thing) and eligible for her own too bit spend it on items not necessary but expects others to pay for winter clothing or even underwear etc.
I have 3 siblings over the age of 40, both in old and new country but not willing to take her in.
2.5 years ago met my husband who moved in after our engagement. My mother resented him from day 1 as this resulted in her having to dress up in the house and not run around half naked & once my husband requesting her to clean up after her dog, her bedroom and allow us to have quiet time after 6pm (when I get home from work so I can study for exams as she would not listen to my plea). Which I tried to achieve for years.
This resulted in never ending resentment from her and constant nastyness in our language which my husband understands partially.
She is putting pressure on our marriage by being non stop nasty to my husband who up until recently was always trying to make her happy and include her in our little new family.
Nowdays, I am tired of cleaning a house full of her furniture (many of them so bad in condition but not allowed to get rid off or replaced due to EVERYTHING HAVING EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE TO HER) that makes cleaning and looking after the house a nightmare. I pay for the rent of a house where I cannot decorate or even reorganise it to fit our needs. Moved the dining table and one of her furniture to make more space... resulted in her screaming for days on how we destroyed her design.
Her constant bickering and comparing my muslim good hearted husband to my alcoholic and abusive dead father -which I prefer to block out of my memory, makes me want to just send her home for her annual visit, pack up the house in two - her and our belongings- and just move & drop her stuff on my sibling's doorstep. But worried she will be left to become homeless as noone want to deal with her but I have come to my end and start focusing on what is important to me /us as a couple rather than constantly taking sh*t for doing the right thing.
Please advise.
On a practical note, what is missing that prohibits your mother from living independently? Your road to freedom means finding solutions to those barriers.
BTW, my mom had several severe heart attacks when I was still in high school, back in the days when coronary bypass surgery was new and experimental. She lived alone after being widowed at the age of 75 and died last fall at the age of 99.
I would take the opportunity to send her back for her annual visit, put her junky furniture in storage (if the house is rented) and purchase her only a 1-way ticket. You will need to figure out how to find her affordable housing or assisted living (which I understand may be counter to your heritage culture, as it is in mine), Medicare or Medicaid, etc. unless she decides to stay in old country, but I doubt she will. You will get a lot of anger from your older siblings but they're not the ones caring and supporting her so just keep repeating that you are no longer able to care for her personally and support her financially. Don't let them bully you...they will get over it eventually,
Also, you need to consider (depending on her age) that she may be having cognitive decline and her nastiness could be a symptom of that (read other posts at this site about nasty treatment by LOs). Does she ever go to the doctor? That would also be a good opportunity to accompany her and slip the doctor a note to perform a cognitive assessment because of her symptoms and also for a urinary tract infection (which can cause dementia-like symptoms in the elderly. Nonetheless there is no other path forward but to separate. Wishing you success in this difficult situation.
Did your Mom ever worked outside of the home, thus had her own spending money? If not, the household money came from the husband, and Mom could buy whatever she wanted. A habit she continues to want but with using your money.
I remember my Mom wasn't a happy camper when I had to move my Dad's recliner to the other side of the living room to give him a shorter path to the powder room as he was recovering from a heart attack and could barely walk. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to my Mom, I had said "It's not all about you".
Sounds like your Mom is jealous that your hubby is taking time away that you should be spending with her. That's normal. One has to remember there is this adult/child dynamics that happens when a parents and grown child once again live under the same roof. Mom returns to being the adult, and you return to be the child in her eyes. Her way is always the best... [sigh].
She owns nothing here. She stopped working and refuses to find a new job since her last heart attack. She is 65 this year. She has worked for about 40 years but her pension would not be enough to rent in the UK anything if she would be on her own.
My husband is from Asia and I am from Central Europe. We know our culture differs in some aspects but mostly very similar and we work well as a team& couple. The reason why I highlighted he is Muslim is that he does not drink or smoke... but she compares him to my alcoholic dead father non stop.
She seems to be pi$$ed about it, if we go out then she resents us for spending money / doing something she doesnt. She gets her own and dad's (widow) pension. Pays no bills other than the bag of her coffee once a month. But still we are the bad ones.
She is currently on her holidays which we had to pay for just to have a few weeks of peace... my husband and I have had no arguments other than what should we have for dinner... :D
We have made the decision that in a few months time when she will go once again back for xmas... she will be left with sister and we move. I have to give notice for the landlords and sort out where we buy next (dont want to rent anymore) prior taking the steps.
Thank you for your comments.
Let us know how it works out.