GM All - I have been a caretaker for my 93 yr old mother for the past 7 plus years. My mother is the only immediate family member I have now. My dad, and 2 sisters have already passed within the past 8 yrs. My care-taking days actually started 10 yrs ago when my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Then my dad fell ill and died of a broken heart after my sister died, then her husband died of colon cancer and then my other sister died a few years later of terrible health problems due to alcoholism. So for a decade, it has been caring for those who died. And now my mother is diagnosed with stage 4 chf and is not doing well. Every day is up and down. But I don’t see her lasting a year at this point.
My point is is that I feel I am developing PTSD from it all and I haven’t been sleeping. The cloud of death is hanging over me everyday - as it has for the passed 10 yrs. I have a good concept of death, as I have done a lot of soul-searching throughout the years and I believe we never die. We simply transition to life beyond this realm. But it is the act of dying that I am having a difficult time with for my mother. I feel this is going to be “the long goodbye” and it is starting to affect me. A year doesn’t seem like a long time, but it’s every day for this year that will be the most difficult for me to handle when it’s broken down.
My husband and daughter are very supportive. So I have support. And I am working on the care for my mother too so she has support outside of me.
I wish I could look at life again through different lenses. It’s been a long 10 yrs of saying goodbye to everyone. I really want to help my mother on her journey, but it is taking so much out of me. Going away for a few days may help, but then I’m back in the thick of things again. My mind and heart are so weary.
I cried my dad's death the day I found he had cancer. He was always afraid of cancer, then one day he gets it.
It is always hard to see your loved ones go. But it is also a relief that they are not suffering anymore. We suffer afterwards.
It never gets easier. We are at that age, when more people we are close to pass away. I talk to my family on the other side, ask for a sign or something. Most times I will hear a song, or something..
I told my hubby I didn't get a sign from mom when she passed. He did. He was driving home and this heart shaped balloon red and silver lining( I found out a bit later) was happily skipping along across the road. Mom was fun. When he talked about the balloon, I immediately brought up a pic of mom, wearing a red blouse with her shining gray hair...He didn't tell me thinking I wouldn't believe him.
It helps to talk to your loved ones. They will answer. Take walks, and breathe. You tube breathing exercises. Breathing tips. They may help you to relax a little.
Another short story: My parents have been divorced as long as they had been married. My mom made great chicken soup... Ok 2 stories.One day, she started making chicken soup. It was almost time to leave to get her hair done, so she turned up the electric stove to High, and forgot about it. I came home to an apartment full of smoke..I opened windows to the balcony and the front door, ran out, got a breathe of air, ran back in and turned off the stove; grabbed the cat and put her in the car. Wrote a note to mom that the cat and I were taking a drive, and P.S. I think the chicken soup is done :). Later we found out, after the stove cooled, she melted the aluminum pot, and the chicken... was basically burnt to a crisp. :) The apartment smelled of smoke for weeks.Oh well. story 2: when dad got cancer, and was going through chemo, etc, he would go over to moms for company, whatever, they were family after all.. He would demand everyone to be quiet while he napped. My dad did not want to be alone, and I don't blame him. MOm would make him her famous homemade soup every day, ok, not so famous, I did catch the catastrophe before it burned anything else. After work one day, I stopped at this nice lil mexican restaurant and got him tortilla soup without tortillas or cheese.. chicken soup - right? So you would think.. He was almost in tears when he saw I didn't drive 8 miles to moms, to drive back another 8 miles to give him Moms famous chicken soup. Dad was upset, and then when I told mom, she yelled at me. She just made a new batch of soup, and why didn't I come by and pick it up and take it to him? And you are thinking what I thought... SOUP is SOUP. I was wrong.
Okay these stories have no correlation to the topic at hand, it does say we try to do our best with the energy we got..WE are all human. We get tired, and get up and try doing it again. One foot in front of the other. To my parents, I didn't put the energy in that I needed to. Yes, they were right. They forgave me, I hope :) They are up there now laughing at me, and my brother too.
Both of our dads died of cancer. After seeing what I was going through with mom wiTH ALZ, she said she would rather go through cancer with dad, than go through ALZ like I did with my mom. When my other girlfriend had to find a place for her mom, her mom became my mom's roommate. That helped me out so much. She would call, and say, come over I got the strawberry shakes and In n Out burgers, come over and have lunch! I would stop by, she would have music playing, so after lunch, we would dance with the moms or take them for a stroll or a walk. I was really saddened when they move her to the other sister's area... Having a second set of eyes helped ease my personal stress, knowing someone I dearly trusted was watching her. Her mom was really cute!! I mom would smile and laugh, she stopped talking. Watch that with your mom, Keep conversation going, do not correct her, if she talks about the same story, just act like you havent heard it before, listen and ask questions about that time. Keep her talking, trust me, you will miss it when she stops... If she ha special treat you know she likes bring them in, and let her have a taste. You are a wonderful daughter who loves mom as deeply as Ido.
Here I go, talk to doctor about hospice, They may even give you palliative care - they go to house on a regular basis. If it's nice weather, check out the farmers market if it's good weather. It may be a fun thing to do;..!!
I am so sorry, sweetie. It's rough on a Family member who has to take on the Burden of a Family Member who you Feel is the Deal that is Coming straight from your Heart.
Focus on you as well...I told My Mom before she sadly Died: "If you get Sick, Who will Care for Dad?"
I hit my knees and ask for strength to endure all this. I search the scriptures for relief. I have found many things that helped me to understand. "Surely he hath born our griefs and carried our sorrows"(Isaiah 53:4) "Thou shalt live together in love in so much that thou shall weep for the loss of them that die"(D&C 42:45).
Thomas S Monson Said," I have learned that grief is the price we pay for loving someone-and that the price is worth it." I agree, I would never give up the love I have for my family to avoid the grief I felt at their loss. Even though I know I will feel the heavy weight of loss when someone I love leaves this planet, I know I will have the support I need to Carrie on until it is my turn to go home.