Help. I'm going crazy. My mom has been at an AL for 2 months. She is doing so well, a big improvement. She likes the place but of course wants to go home. One difficult problem is her planning. She cannot remember simple things like names, recent conversations, directions, but can fixate on and nearly carry out complex "escape plans." Is this typical of dementia? She doesn't seem to really try to escape, but makes plans to move, calls moving trucks, and completely forgets that she cannot leave. This is so frustrating and so deflating to her each time we thwart her plans. Recently she had a relative lined up to give her a ride to go away for a week! I found out quite by accident. I felt so bad for her I arranged the trip for her so she could get away, but we can't keep giving in. Today she says she is moving the week of Christmas and called a moving truck again. Help me deal with this.
I might look into doing something to her phone so that she can only call certain numbers, one's that are programmed in, or that she can't call out at all.
How frustrating and daunting for you! I'm so sorry that you're going through this!
Where is your Mom planning to move to? Back to her own house?
Regarding the week long trip away from the AL, what are the AL's policies on leaving the facility for overnight or longer? How will these trips affect her insurance or Medicare/Medicaid coverage?
Who was the relative that your Mom had "lined up to give her a ride to go away for a week"? Can you talk to this person calmly and explain why you prefer that this person not take your mother out of the AL?
Why did you feel the need to "arranged the trip for her so she could get away"? Did you arrange for your Mom to take the same trip that she was planning to take or did you personally take your Mom for a short 3-5 hour ride in your car or what? I need more information please.
On Monday, call the AL and talk to someone about your Mom's "escape plans", especially her plan to move the week of Christmas.
It can be so frustrating and emotionally draining for you when your Mom makes "escape plans". My Mom has asked me to take her home several times since she went to live in LTC and cries when I tell her that I can't because I can no longer take care her at home.
Please keep us updated regarding your Mom and please let us know how you are feeling and/or coping with the situation.
- do a brief timeline of mom’s escape plans going back to the move in. Pause to think if there’s someone or something triggering “escape”. My mil in a NH had a long distance friend that encouraged her illusion that she was totally fine to live on her own, sigh, but mil totally left out info on her status (legally blind, poor to the point of on Medicaid).
- schedule a care plan meeting at the AL regarding your concerns & if mom needs a higher level of care like MC or perhaps moves to a room that has easier oversight by staff. My feeling is not MC but more adjusting to reality of AL is home by all.
- do a family meeting so everybody’s on the same page as to her need to live in AL. She’s only been there 2 mos & it sounds like folks are taking her on trips or discussing with her visits & Holiday activity outside of AL. To me, she needs to let it sink in that the AL is her home & family needs to cease doing things that work against that. Your giving in to her, it’s hard but you’ve got to stop it. Big girl panties time for you, so gird up & put them on.
- Holidays..... Try to speaking with activities director of the AL and find out when stuff is planned and get you / family to go and participate with mom in them at the AL so it grounds her to the fact that the AL is her home now. If she starts waterworks on going to stay with you for Christmas, do not give in. Good luck.
You mention that your Mom is "bored stiff at the AL". What clubs, religious/non-religious activities, social groups, etc. did your Mom participate in prior to entering AL? Maybe she could attend a couple of those if accompanied by a "hired companion" who can take her to these social events and then return her to the AL with limitations on length of time out of AL and locations that "hired companion" can take your Mom. I wouldn't trust any family members to take your Mom to these social events. Maybe help your Mom to invite a group friends to the AL for "Afternoon Tea" so they can chat with each other an hour or so. Many AL have little dining rooms that residents can use when friends or family visit. Maybe if you can arrange for her to be included in some of her former social activities, she might not attempt to escape as much.
I am concerned that "The AL just takes moms plans in stride and don't really seem to worry about it." Who is responsible if your Mom actually does escape and then gets injured (by falling) or gets robbed or gets sick or whatever during the "escape"?
You are doing a great job looking after your Mom! Good Luck!