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Quarterly update: narcissist miserable anxious mother with no permanent home by choice continues insanity.
sum: seen her 10x in 20 years. She left my father. She traveled world for 15 years in fancy places but on budget through demands. She is now 77. 100k in bank. We fund 35k. Social security 10k. 2-5 emails a day for this year with:
”are you going to let me die”
“if you think I am going to get on with my life you are in a fantasyland.”
”I’m not going to make it.”
”You want to buy me a house and you expect me to live alone?”
”the prices of houses have doubled - even if you are paying for it; now I have less money from you.”
”I don’t want you to buy me a house.”
”nobody does this alone.”



now, for the past year, rabbis, psychiatrists, my stepmother of all people and us have tried to come up
with solutions.
now she is begging us to “make a deal” that she can come to see us for 2 weeks and just get some love. We held our ground and said no. She said, let me come and then you can decide whether to buy me a house in California or put me in a home.
for background, she did not sacrifice for me. She divorced my father when I was 13, he raised me. She never paid a nickel for college or bought me anything. She was never there emotionally. Ever. She sent one email from 2014 where she showed that I thanked her for her ideas about a mosquito
problem. Her problems are worse, but she ignores my ocd saying it isn’t her fault. I recently had an incident where I lost feeling in my leg and my husband told her and she can’t see it. Even people with cancer have it better than her because they have family. My mil can’t walk, but she has a house. When we offer her a house, she says it’s different because my mil has been in her house. I know it is insane and I should just stop reading the emails. My husband has taken over and she bombards him. He’s ready to cut ties completely but we still want to monitor where she is and need to send her funds. There is still a nagging sadness that she isn’t welcomed by any family - but she was - she just abused everyone to a point of no contact by everyone. I’m not supposed to judge as I’m not g-d but it has deeply affected my family and it’s not ending.

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And it's not GOING to end as long as your mother is still alive and getting responses to her chronic demand for attention, which you and or your dh are supplying her with. Not to mention $$$$, which will keep her around forever.

Happy Holidays.
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Quarterly answer—your husband is wise to be ready to cut her off. Same solution as before. Stop all funding. Stop all communication even through your husband. Care for the family you’ve been blessed to have, not the mess you have no hope of repairing, before you lose it all. I sincerely wish you the best
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you for your kindness.
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Oh Lord just reading your post raised my anxiety and I don't ever have an issue with that. Please for all your sakes just stop putting up with the nonsense and Bu!! S**t!!!
Your mother has mental issues and she will never get better, and you MUST just get on with your life without her in it.
Change your phone numbers or just block her number and change all your email addresses so she can't reach you. When are you going to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH?
And why are you funding your mother $35,000? I'm not sure what that is about, but you need to stop and let your mother lie in the bed that she has made for herself. She was able to figure things out on her own for many years, so let her figure things out now. And if she no longer can, well then she will have to reach out to senior services and have them assist her best they can.
Your mother(and I use that term loosely, because it takes more than just giving birth to be a mother)is NOT your responsibility.
The only way you'll be able to move forward in a more healthy manner is if you cut ties once and for all. And you and your immediate family deserve that, so please stop this nonsense. If it drives me crazy just reading about it I can only imagine how crazy it drives you. But you and only you have the power to change things, so please start today to take control of your life and health and say bye bye to your mother. And mean it.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you!!! you get it. Total bullshit. It’s as insane as I described for this one year and the prior 40 (not to mention the one time we asked her to help us one hour a week she said no). Last time in 2006 I moved out of the country to escape.
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What inside of you is truly making you continue to respond to her, much less send her money?

That's the issue you need to solve. The issue of her will solve itself once you fix you.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Guilt and fear. Fear that she will harm us somehow. Guilt that nobody should have nobody.
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As long as you enable her, she will never get or accept the help she needs from professionals.

Just stop.

Yes, it's very sad. But there isn't anything that you can do that will help.
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Continue to say no, no, no!
My adoptive daughters mother is the same way. When she gets drunk or high she's on the phone wanting to visit or to move back here. My daughter just says no, no and no! After the drunk time or whatever she doesn't even remember calling or texting saying someone else must have used her phone! really! So you can block the calls, ignore the calls, but you can also let it go to voice mail so you can keep track and not really answer her. My daughters mother one time wanted to stay with me! HECK NO! Remember this if they have enough nerve to ask you should have enough nerve to say no!
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Ohwow

You are your daughter's mother. The woman who birthed her is the woman who birthed her and nothing more.
It's very generous of you to even have allowed this person to be in your daughter's life and I hope your child appreciates your generosity.
Your daughter has to learn how to stop enabling her birth parent. The only contact she should have with her should involve only ways that will help in recovery from addiction. If she is unwilling to get sober and clean YOUR daughter should have nothing to do with her.
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I believe I told you this before. This person is someone you saw twice a year for half of your life. That's not a mother. That's a distant relative you see at weddings and funerals.
So treat her like one. You owe her nothing. Don't forget it.
At this point you're choosing to be an active participant her gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and threats. You're a willing player in her games.
You don't have to be. You CHOOSE to be.

"If you think I'm going to get on with my life, you are in a fantasyland".

You know what my response to that email would be?
Here it is:

'Don't threaten me or there will absolutely ZERO contact between the two of us. I am not playing your games anymore and I am not buying you a house. I will not tolerate your gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and assorted bullsh** for one more minute. Knock off your crap or you will be dead to me'.

Send her this message. If she doesn't get it, go no contact.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
You get it!! It actually has been not even been one time in two years. Yes that is the email we should send and carry through on
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Block, block and block! There are other ways to monitor where she is besides getting emails from her. Check her social media accounts, have your rabbi talk to her rabbi, be in touch with her neighbors, and for heaven's sake, you could get a private investigator to keep tabs on her whereabouts for the $35,000 a year you send her now. I truly believe you have come to a point where you are being shamelessly harassed by this woman and should report it to law enforcement where you live. Also, a stern cease & desist letter from an attorney might help. There may be other legal remedies that would deter her or at least scare her enough to leave you alone. It's time to get tough.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you! Yes we have contacted an attorney. She has no neighbors because she lives no place permanently. The rabbi that was helping her has now cut ties. I don’t really know who is helping her anymore. We thought about getting her an iPad which she asked for and locking the settings so it would have a tracking device! She hasn’t physically threatened us so I think it is hard to have a letter from the lawyer. When I told her we were going to call the police she said” fine I think I’m allowed to see my daughter.” I know we need to be tough!
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Stop funding her.

And while you may pity her for having no one else in her life… remember that she did this to herself. She could have been a loving mother to you, but chose not to. She could have remarried or gathered many friends over the years; she chose not to. Now she is badgering you to step in to the gap she created for herself. Funny how she didn’t have time before, but now that she’s older, she expects you to do for her. Stay strong!
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Right. She is 77 and I am 52. She missed my whole life! I do cry from time to time when I think about that. I have an amazing relationship with my son who is 13. I could not imagine not seeing him for the next 40 years and then coming back. But that is not what she actually did. I can't imagine badgering him for the next 40 years and then doing more harm. I would have rather she left me alone. She didn't really ever leave me alone - I have been receiving bad-negative-horrible emails for most of my life, this just happens to be one of the worst periods that has not subsided. The others subsided when I moved out of the country or the state when I was younger.
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OCD:

1. Google "Fear, Obligation and Guilt" (F.O.G.). Read everything you can about it. THAT is what is destroying your life.

2. Are you in therapy? You need to be.

3. You fear she will "harm" you? She already HAS harmed you!!!!!!!! Stop communicating with her, change your phone number and STOP keeping track of her.

4. Have you asked a lawyer to send a "cease and desist" letter to stop the harrassment? If not, do so. I don't think there need to be threats, just harassment.

5. For the love of God, STOP sending her money.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Will google. Yes. Fear of much worse looms although hours of my life already stolen. Maybe I do need to be in therapy again as reading all of these I realize I can't let her go completely. I would not feel right not speaking to her at all. I would not feel right letting her die. Everyone else has been able to let her go and not care if she is left for dead, but I don't want that. I actually want her to be happy although she has been horrible to me. Maybe I don't blame her and rationalize that somehow this might not be her fault that she was born with a defective brain.
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Maybe you feel some sort of responsibility to her because she gave birth to you. Take some time to think this through.

The truth is that you don’t owe her anything because she gave birth to you.

Do not be intimidated by her. You have the power to stop contributing to her. She feels entitled and she isn’t entitled to anything.

Many women give birth, but that doesn’t automatically make them a mother. A mother is the woman who cared for you while you were growing up and throughout your life. You don’t have a true relationship with her.

She abandoned you when you were young and she certainly didn’t come back into your life to show remorse or reconnect with you. She came back to use you. It’s all for her benefit.

Some people deserve second chances. Others don’t. Look at the entire picture. You haven’t gained anything from her returning, other than heartbreak.

Let go. This is a one way street. You deserve so much better.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Yes, so ENTITLED. She never really left my life completely. I've been funding her for 20 years and we've had contact. This is yearly trauma that only ceased for the two years my husband and I moved to Japan to escape her.
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Here's the thing, she will hurt you and your family no matter how many of her flaming hoops you jump through.

She is alone by choice, you can NOT care more about her then she does, it will suck your life force out.

She doesn't have a right to see you if you don't want to see her. That statement alone should get her completely cut off from ALL contact in EVERY form.

My dad kinda did the same thing, got divorced, forgot he had a daughter, made REALLY BAD choices, life turned to a chitshow and all of a sudden he wanted and needed me. NOPE! When I wanted and needed a dad, he had better things going, so I made my way and I wasn't going to let him hijack it because his choices didn't work out and now he was old and alone. I didn't put him there and I couldn't let him pull my life under to safe himself. It isn't about loving us, it's about realizing they now need someone because of their choices and they believe we are still that young child longing for a parents love and acceptance. And when that doesn't work, they use guilt, manipulation, I'm the parent and all other sorts of crap to get their way.

No! It is a complete sentence. You should tell your husband to do whatever he feels is best for the family and if that means a total disconnect, so be it.

She is playing you like a chump by the way. Please stop participating in her nonsense.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you. I'm not even resentful of the fact that my mother wasn't around when I was younger, yelled at me when I told her I was getting married, didn't come to my wedding, or graduation etc. I just hate the trauma she has caused me. I"m not doing this because she wasn't there for me. I'm keeping her away because of what she does now. I actually would have welcomed her if she didn't start with the "I'm going to die, come get me." as her opening. Thank you for sharing your story. The messages of "I just need your love" make me sick. Especially as you point out, she isn't longing for me, but her life in Europe. Her best years as she talks about them, are the years we were not speaking sadly.
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OCD; NeedsHelp made me see something.

You are being blackmailed by your mother. You think that if you pay her, she will stop bothering you.

The opposite is true, the more you pay, the more she will harrass, torture and gaslight you.

YOU and only you have the power to stop this insane dance--yes, insane, becasue you keep doing the same thing and think the outcome will be different.

Please stop responding to her. Let her threaten. She's full of hot air.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
If I do pay her enough, I do believe she will leave us alone. She said she would go to Israel if we want to pay $5k a month for her rent. So, I think she doesn't choose, because she doesn't want to be "stuck" in a condo in florida or phoenix, but wants to still travel the world somehow. It doesn't excite her and it isn't a life she wants, so she can't commit (yes, drinking the kool-aid, but I understand her mindset). She needs more somehow.
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Perhaps the key to your locked room is “we still want to monitor where she is and need to send her funds”. Why? No-one can understand why you send her $35K a year. Can you understand it? Perhaps you need counselling to unlock that door.

Why do you need to know “where she is”? My parents separated when I was 5, and I spent the rest of my dreadful father’s life not knowing ‘where he is’. Usually somewhere between England and Australia. When he had got money from somewhere, he would hop on a plane and could be anywhere. Worst place was turning up around my corner.

My sisters and I (well not my younger sister after she concluded that he had tried to push her down a flight of stairs) did our best for reasonable contact for decades because it seemed like the right thing to do. But there was no “nagging sadness that he isn’t welcomed by any family”, just gratitude for a shared understanding from the family. When he was in a NH, I flew 12,000 miles to see him one more time, following which he changed his will yet again to leave it all to the latest grifter (and I then had to deal with his local assets). We were shocked when he died – not sorry, just amazed that it could all be over.

My suggestion would be to report her to APS in the town where you think she is at the moment. They will care for her needs (if any) because it’s their job and they are paid to do it – guilt free. That includes finding her care and a place to live somewhere affordable. Get legal advice about what justifies a legal protection order where you are (they frequently have different names and different rules), and use it if you need to.

Be grateful that you have the ability to unlock your door and get out of this stupid situation. Do it! You are not alone in having a difficult parent. There is nothing ‘special’ about this one that should stop you being sensible. Judge yourself, not her, and use your brains a bit better. I know full well that it's difficult, but it is possible. Changing her is not.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
We can afford the $35k and we want her to have a decent living. She doesn't want to spend "her" money because she wants to feel safe and we've bought into her need to not use any of her assets. 100K isn't enough to live in this world. We believe that 50K is the minimum one can live on and we have taken on that burden - along with the offer to buy her a house. I've been having this conversation about where she will live for about 30 years. She can't commit to live in one place. There must be something wrong.
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Ocdtrauma,

Some family members say mean and awful things. They will stick the knife in and then give it a good hard twist to make sure that they hurt us.

I once fell for hurtful tactics because I was lost in my own destructive thinking. Therapy helped me understand why I felt as I did and how to reprogram my thoughts on what I once felt.

I grew up in a family where I constantly heard the expression, “To keep peace…” Please be aware that ‘keeping the peace’ is often taken out of context and is a big, fat lie!

These subtle tactics are often used in an effort to control others. You will not be able to control her behavior by pacifying her. Please stop prolonging your agony and end this ‘so called’ relationship with her.

You are not keeping the peace by giving into her desires. You are doing the exact opposite. She is getting the response that she wants. She truly doesn’t deserve to receive any response from you. Giving to her causes mayhem in your life.

You are not in debt to her. You owe her nothing! If anyone is in debt, it’s her, not you. She skipped out on raising you. She owes you an apology and she should allow you to live in peace. She is responsible for the turmoil that she created for herself.

It can take awhile for us to completely understand what is happening because we are too close to the situation.

Once we completely step away from the chaos we will gain a clearer perspective on what has happened and how to prevent it from continuing.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate your way out of this mess. We are all behind you. This forum was an enormous comfort to me and I hope that it will be to you as well.
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Am I right that in another message YOU were willing to buy her a home so she could settle in somewhere. Please, take that off the table. IMO your Mom has mental problems that you will never be able to do anything about.

"100k in bank. We fund 35k. Social security 10k" Mom has 100k in the bank? If so, why are you giving her more?

I do understand why u feel the way you do, its called empathy. But the reason I have never looked for my BioDad is for the reason you should not have let Mom into your life. You never know what kind of the people that side of the family is like. I owe nothing to that man. My adopted father I knew from a year old. Only father I knew, I was satisfied. You are banging your head against the wall. She will not change. Nothing you do will help her. Buying her an ipad, she will sell it or lose it. Track her so you can protect yourself? You need to stop helping this woman. She is a stranger. As said, she made choices, now she is paying for it. You need to block her in all ways. She will be OK. She has done it on her own before, she will continue to so.

I know, its the Christian thing to do to help someone. I also believe we are here to live the life given us and grow in that life until we die. If we don't allow people to experience consequences for what they did wrong how are they going to learn and grow. Mom needs to hit bottom, no one owes her anything. She has to get off that bottom and do for herself. Only when she shows she is trying to do better can others reach out to help. My God! a Rabbi gave up on her. A man of God.

You need to block her in every way and let her go. She will be OK she will find a way.

P.S. And her threats...call her bluff. If she does threaten you take that info to the Police and show them proof she is/has blackmailed you. She can be arrested for blackmail then u can get her off by making a deal she is never to contact u again.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you. I'm realizing that I still can't completely let her go. I want her to feel happy and safe as I have a blessed life. I just don't want her to stop the insanity and pick a place to live already.
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Ocdtrauma,

What is most important to you? What do you want at this point in time? Are you growing tired of focusing on your mom’s needs? Make your own life your priority.

Your mom may never decide what she wants.

You say that she doesn’t want to be ‘stuck’ in a condo in Florida or Arizona. She claims to want to travel the world, and live in Israel if you foot the bill.

You have been more than generous to her. Why should she be taking advantage of you? Would you ever expect this from your child? I know that I wouldn’t expect my children to pay for me to travel the world.

If this is what you truly want to do, then it is certainly your decision to make. What if she gets to Israel and then she decides that it doesn’t suit her fancy?

I just hope you won’t regret doing so much for her. She isn’t easily satisfied. She knows that she can continue to pull your strings and get a response.

She’s made it clear that she sees you as a bank account to satisfy her desires.

Have you given as much thought as to what you want? If you haven’t, please do, because your desires are important too.

Don’t empty your bank account for your mom without considering that you don’t know what your future holds and you may need those funds for yourself. Unless you are independently wealthy, everyone has to be concerned with how much they spend.

Do you think your mom is desiring these new experiences to numb herself from her past mistakes? She can’t deny her past. Does she show any remorse? Her behavior caused so much heartache for you. I wish that you didn’t have those memories. It’s terribly sad.

Have you ever tried to speak with her about therapy? Perhaps even going together if you are open to it. If you aren’t, it’s understandable and she can go on her own.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you so much. I’ve sent hundreds of emails outlining her options and trying to solve her problems - sending her nice 55 and older communities, actions to take, to see a doctor, call a suicide line, had my stepmom reachout and offers to meet her in phoenix, found a cousin whose dads wife would meet her in Florida but naively asking if she wants to live in Florida (a question she won’t answer), …
She has never and will never listen to my suggestions. She was not willing to have a one minute conversation about her plans 2 years ago. Only knows how to threaten to kill herself and write manipulative emails. she keeps telling us she isn’t going to stop and this isn’t going to end until we do more.
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OCD the best thing would probably be to let your husband handle the whole thing. Let him decide how much he wants to deal with. Then it’s not your decision, not your fault. I’m surprised that this isn’t already jeopardising your marriage.

If you have lots of money to pay out, and unending tolerance for putting your own mental health at further risk, I suppose you will go right ahead. But you can only blame yourself, not the mother you unfortunately got dealt with.

What a pity!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Margaret,

This is actually a wonderful idea! Ocdtrauma’s mom passed on her responsibility of being in her child’s life.

So, why shouldn’t Ocdtrauma pass on the responsibility of being the kind of daughter that her mom wants, which is only ‘Bank of Ocdtrauma’ to fund her living and traveling expenses.

You are correct, her husband can take over, freeing up his wife to heal from her ugly past. Once she steps away, she may begin to see things differently. Sometimes when we are too close to the situation we become blinded.
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Go cold turkey. No communication, no money, nothing. If she freezes to death homeless in a gutter, that's the price to be paid for a lifetime of bad decisions.

Do not let her in your house, even for a "short visit". Much like the common cockroach, once an elder infests a home it becomes significantly harder to remove them.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
That’s a little harsh but she is far from being on the streets. Yes, no way she would stay in our condo, which incidentally and not accidentally does not have space. I consciously made a decision to not have room for her for when this would come. I have not been under the same roof with her in 35 years. We wouldn’t trust her in our house as she would take stuff or look up
financial records. The saddest thing about bank security codes is that they always ask for the mothers maiden name!
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Nina brown: children of self absorbed parents. It was eye opening and help me protect myself and handle guilt.

when hubby had stroke I kept his adult children in the loop. Bent over backwards to kept difficult relationships peaceful. Begged them to visit. It was causing stress and harm to him and me. All I ever heard from them was crying pretty tears, lots of talk of love but never any action. All faux. They were willing to help out in their spare time when it was convenient only if we moved cross country closer to them. Never offer to help us move. Finally I had enough and stop responding. One kid tracked down my mother to ask what was going on!! The same kid that called a welfare check to the police under the pretense I was abusing her dad all because I wouldn’t answer her text fast enough. My mom told her and to pass it along that neither me or hubby wants anything to do with any of them and to leave us alone. Three blissful years so far and life is so much happier.

picture yourself five years from now. Do you want to look back and see that every year was of hurt from dealing with mom. Or do you want to look back and smile cause what you see brought you peace and joy.
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Ocdtrauma,

Stop spending money on your mom. If you don’t want to tell mom, ask your husband to tell her.

Spend money on finding a therapist for yourself who specializes in childhood trauma, abandonment, codependency, etc.
You deserve to heal.

It will be money well spent and worth every penny.

Either you or your husband can suggest to mom to get counseling for herself. Why can’t your mom scale back on her lifestyle? That’s what most people do when they’re running low on cash. They don’t call up their children to ask for for money to travel because they don’t want to live in Florida or Arizona.

You don’t have the power to change your mom’s attitudes but you can learn how to adjust your attitude.

You deserve to have many years of joy ahead of you. Speak to someone to help you find your way.

My therapist once said to me, “We don’t get over something. We work through it.” I believe that if you are willing to try, you can work through this and move forward to live a happy and healthy life. Haven’t you reached your threshold of pain yet? Just the stress alone isn’t good for any of you.
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Tagtae Dec 2022
“You don’t have the power to change your mom’s attitudes but you can learn how to adjust your attitude.”

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Solid true truth! Once we realize this we have greater power! And on the road to self protection. Changing ourselves is more powerful than trying to change someone else.
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If you choose to distance or cut completely from mom it won’t be easy. You might have many doubts and urges to reach out. I choose to believe these doubts are just check points to remind ourselves why we choose to make the hard choices.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
It wouldn’t hurt to write reminders of those checkpoints on post it’s and place them everywhere in sight for awhile!

Journaling helped me through tough times.
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Ocd, you want her to be "happy".

Happiness comes from inside the person whose life it is. Not from gifts given from others. You can't "fund" happiness.

Stop trying. You are feeding your mother a drug that enables her to keep demanding more.

Tell your mother that she isn't calling the shots here, you are.
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Ocd,

Everyone has given you the same message. She is your mother (in name only) but she is NOT your boss.

You said that you are paying her to be free of her. You don’t play games with someone who is emotionally blackmailing you. They just keep playing the same game over and over again because they are winning. You call them out any way that is possible. Then you live life on your terms.

Sorry if I sound harsh. I don’t mean to. I realize that you are stuck in this rut. It happens, but do whatever you need to to get unstuck. She has you under her thumb.

You are her daughter. Is she treating you as her daughter? Think about that for a moment.

You know the answer. Everyone else does too. She treats you like the ‘Bank of Whatever I Want Money For.’ And to top it off if she doesn’t get it, she throws in a suicide threat or two!

She has exceeded her ATM allowance for life! You are not an ATM machine that she is allowed to make continual withdrawals out of for the rest of her life. Next time she asks for money, send her an email back saying, ‘Insufficient funds.’ A person has to invest money to withdraw it. She hasn’t ever invested!

I taught my children this at a very young age. One day my daughter asked for an expensive toy because her friend had it and I told her that she could put the item on her Santa list.

Well, she piped up with, “Mommy, just go to the bank. The nice lady will give you money.” My first thought was to giggle because it was hilarious, but I contained my laughter.

I told her that mommy and daddy work and deposit money into the bank and that is why ‘the nice lady’ gives us our money when we go to the drive through at the bank. She understood then that money had to be put in first in order to get it out.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you. I don’t mind harsh and I hope everyone is as harsh as they want. Our issue now is not only money. If she just needed money, we could figure that out. She now says she wants family and doesn’t want to be alone. Won’t take a 55 community or anything. Won’t go to Phoenix or Florida. Won’t accept any solution, beyond a money issue.
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If your mom was struggling while doing the best that she could and she had been there for you during your lifetime, I wouldn’t feel as I do.

I absolutely believe in being charitable to those in need. Sometimes people need help in getting over a hump due to certain circumstances. They lost their job, they had a medical emergency and so on.

Your mom has been completely irresponsible and selfish. That’s a totally different story.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
yes, completely due to her decisions, just not sure whether there is a mental disorder driving all of it.
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OCD, this is from September 2022:

"I just found out from the religious doctor that she is in St. Louis at an upscale independent living place that ranges from $4300 for a one bedroom to $11,000 for a 2 bedroom. She told me that it was hell and she didn’t even have a toilet. She told us she got a deal for 2300, which I believe and I’m glad at least she manipulates other people so that she doesn’t spend all of our money! She lied and told us she was I. New Jersey. She’s been lying to me since I was young. Grrrr. So this kind man did help her get away from Europe where she said she was going to kill herself but now she says she hates being in this prison at this luxury residence and needs to go back to Europe. Then she’ll throw in that she needs hugs and love. It’s hard to know that your mother has lied to you her whole life to get what she wants but she must be really messed up."

She lies, she manipulates. She uses people. Giving to her--money, resources, suggestions--results in more lies and manipulation, not peace or happiness for either of you.

If you go "Grey Rock" or just pretend you're in Japan, she will find someone else to use.

Let her go.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
Ay yi yi, it must really be hell to be pooping in a bucket since the luxury $4k-11K apartments don't even have TOILETS!
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Ocd,

Look up the word ‘extortion’ in the dictionary. Ring any bells for you? After you read this definition hopefully you will see that she has coerced you into giving her money by emotionally abusing you.

Giving her money isn’t going to change her disposition and make her see you as the wonderful daughter that is helping her. She sees it as you ‘owe’ her and you don’t owe her a single thing.

Has giving her money ever worked for you and your family? It hasn’t, not even as a temporary solution. In fact, it magnifies the problem because she feels as if she can hit up the ATM machine again and again. This isn’t helping her at all, it’s crippling her. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

ATM’s hold a lot of money but after customers withdraw money from them repeatedly the money runs out and it has to be replaced.

Look at this practically, when your money is gone from her begging for more and more, what will you replace it with?

Say to yourself that you deserve better than this.

Your mom has plenty of practice doing this. She’ll move on and survive or be forced to accept her fate like everyone else does.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Need

It's not even extortion. At this point The OP is choosing to be a player in the mother's games. A willing participant.
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OCD, your update: ”I'm realizing that I still can't completely let her go. I want her to feel happy and safe as I have a blessed life. I just don't want her to stop the insanity and pick a place to live already” Seems like you checked in here on A/C Forum to let us know you’re not going to cut your mother off despite a steady consensus of advice. That’s certainly your right. I truly hope the madness of your mother ends before your husband and children grow so resentful that it costs you dearly. See you next update. Be well
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OCD, do have a therapist/psychiatrist managing your care?

I am fearful for your on-going well-being. Unless you (you and not your husband) bring in something like 25x the amount of money your mother is being gifted each year, you can't afford this.

Your children and your husband will start to resent this drain on your financial resources. If your husband were to leave, die or lose his job tomorrow, would you be able to support yourself?

I think instead of saying "giving her money has worked for X years" I think you need to start realizing that this path is unsustainable.

You can only do that with the help of a therapist, perhaps one who is experienced in working with folks who have been held hostage.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
I don’t care how wonderful her husband is, eventually mom’s behavior will get old!

Same with children. It does cause friction.
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Ocd,

Sometimes, we don’t know that we don’t know. Sad but true!

I am very grateful that my therapist was able to give examples of different scenarios and enlarge my views on my situation.

I was similar to you in that I was in a negative pattern for so long that it felt natural to me. We lose ourselves. This is the outcome from being programmed by our parents.

Therapy helps us find our way back to normalcy.
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