Estranged sister back after father’s passing. Any advice?
After my father’s passing an estranged sister has come back and reconciled with our mother. She caused great hardship for my parents by borrowing money, not paying it back, causing them to live on credit cards. Over the years they told me of so many sad hurtful things she said and did, she was even physical against my mother. I believe she has a personality disorder having had six marriages all with domestic violence and was abusive to her children. Her children cut ties with her and she has never met her grandchildren. I had to eliminate her from my life for my own well being. I was glad all those years that she stayed away. I think it was much better for my parents. The last visit with my mother did not go well, she was so emotional and angry, asking why won’t everybody forgive and just be a family, does my sister have to pay for her wrong doing for the rest of her life? I wish I never went that day, it was so awkward. I was shocked by the change in her feelings from sadness to anger. We were getting through this day by day until my sister gets involved. I am not giving up but accepting that this is my mother’s choice. This is a time of grief for a father that I always loved and respected. Not a time that I will allow my sister back into my life. Now how do I handle perhaps never seeing my mother again?
I think we all have at least 1 of those in our families. I happened to have 2 going on 3.
Watch everything, question everything.
1. is your sister suddenly wearing rather expensive clothing or clothing that one would not normally she her wearing
2. is she becoming extremely cozy with Mom
3. does it appear that your sister is directing Mom
4. is sister driving Mom's car or has Mom purchased a new car for her
5. are things 'disappearing' from the house; can Mom explain why if they are
6. is your sister 'pampering' Mom
7. is your sister shutting your Mom away from other family members
8. during a discussion, something said and your sister interject with 'now Mom, don't you remember.....'
You can start out with the bank first. You can call the branch of account and explaining that you're not on your Mother's account, BUT you have a feeling that there may be financial elderly abuse going on concerning your Mom's account(s).
They will take a report. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE YOUR NAME!!! They will send the report to the fraud department for further investigation.
IF ANY THING SHOWS THAT THERE IS, IN FACT FRAUD HAPPENING, THEY WILL CONTACT YOU.....JUST YOU.
NEITHER YOUR MOTHER NOR YOUR SISTER WILL KNOW ABOUT THIS REPORT OR WHO FILED IT. THEY WILL PROVIDE A REPORT TO THE POLICE AS LAW ENFORCEMENT MAYBE REQUIRED TO GET INVOLVED.
If nothing is found, then they will just file the report and to be aware of the possibilities at that point. They will NOT CONTACT YOU if nothing surfaces.
The whole process will take approximately 2-3 weeks as they have to start at a particular point and cover all of Mom's transactions. You will need to provide a starting point for them and what you feel may be happening.....check ATM withdrawals for time of day/night, what you know your Mom generally transacts for cash withdrawals. Is it $40-$100 and does she ever use the ATM at night.
****the majority of elderly people DO NOT use the ATM at night for fear someone will rob them and they can't drive late at night either*******
Check for use of debit/credit card transactions that are out of the ordinary. IF YOU are able and know where your Mom keeps her statements (most elderly people always want a paper statement not an e-statement.....don't trust banks.
Shoot, I took my Mother's investment end of yr statement and photo copied when I was home last yr and she was in the hospital. Lied to my step-father about having to go to UPS store and get some papers copied that I failed to do before I left home. I found the statement by surprise in all of Mom's bills!!! I was hoping to find the bank statements, but knowing this sibling....they're hidden or mysteriously disappeared like all of Mom's legal docs.
Yes, there's no guessing or wondering about this at all.......MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!
If you have other siblings that you can trust to get involved with you on this, do so. JUST be sure that you are able to trust them. They may go along with you and then decide that perhaps they too can get more from Mom now than when she passes.
It is a very tough row to hoe. I'm trying everything I can to keep the vulchers away from Mom too.
Several years ago she started with accusing her now ex-husband of abuse and neglect of their sons. She worked for the state and he was recently discharged from the Army and was a stay-at-home dad. Before his discharge little sister was living with her to assist with the boys.
Next she accused little sister of having an affair with husband. Claims that ex-husband had hired people to kill her and later that ex-husband was dead. Youngest brother and middle sister have been accused of dealing drugs and using her oldest son to transport.
She sold her house adjacent to the family farm and moved about an hour away. Has since shown up at her old house accusing the new owners of forcing her out and stealing her house from her. She has been observed driving up and down the road where the farm is and actually driving into the driveway in the middle of the night.
Constantly borrowing money from Dad until the family was forced to change the farm to an LLC and remove him from the checking account so they could continue to run the business without her draining all the assets.
She lost her job with the state by accusing the Senator she worked for of having affairs with all of his female staff except her and other illegal dealings.
When Dad passed several years ago she did not attend the wake and showed up at the last minute for the services. My husband attempted to approach her before the service to ask if the boys (19 & 17) would like to be bearers and both our son 17 and the 10 year old would also be bearers. She screamed at him outside the funeral home with the funeral director as witness. At the cemetery a neighbor approached her to give her condolences and she slapped the women (the town judge).
Since then we have taken turns being the ones to be named for all sorts of issues. Husband was accused of following her all weekend, he was in another state on military duty. Middle sister is accused of stealing older brother’s estate when he passed & that there was money for her son’s education, what ever was left of older brother’s funds Dad used to pay for older brother’s medical expenses. Not probating Mother’s will. Mother passed 3 months after oldest bother. Parents will had been written that they left everything to each other.
Recently I received a message via FB describing how my husband & I are responsible for everything that has gone wrong for her over the past 20 years. How we have not right to anything from the farm because we moved away. That gifts (which she listed) that Mom had given us were stolen. How we were responsible for her job loss and that we are to have tried to turn her children against her.
He sons (now 27 &25) have only recently been contacting family. Eldest son had a lot of anger that he thought the rest of the family had abandoned them. Once he realized that his mother had kept him from contacting any family he has started to communicate more. Younger son just wants us all (including his mother) to be one happy family and share the holidays together. We’ve all explained that the two of them are welcome as long as it does not interfere with plans his mother has but that we cannot allow her back into our lives. My final straw came when my son was 11 and home after school while his father who worked nights was sleeping. She called the house several times and hung up and then called screaming at him to stop calling her and that she was calling police. At that point we blocked her numbers from our phone. Fortunately our sons and his two cousins have been able to build a relationship and for the 1st time all 5 boys were together when younger brother passed last year.
We must be related! Your sister is the same sibling from hell that I have - sorry about that! As for mine, my sibling is an undiagnosed narcissist, but has all the traits. I encourage you to study the traits of a narcissist. If your sister has that challenge, at the very least by studying the traits, you might be able to understand why your sibling does the things she does. It may help you to stay one step ahead of your sibling.
Best regards!
She too, has been the #1 black sheep of the family; now she has convinced those that need to be assured, that she walks on water!
BEWARE! This is the time to grieve BUT it is also the time to silently attack.
Your sister is street/law smart having gone through 6 marriages. My sister is too. Knows how to circumvent laws.
I would hope not, but she is waiting for the most vulnerable time regarding your Mom to get what she wants.
Take time and slowly work into a conversation about any legal documents she may have signed or changed.
You can also go on your County Public Records and/or call the County Recorders office to find out about legal docs your Mom has signed.
You can view them, print non-certified copies or pay for certified copies.
My sister took advantage of Mom's mental condition to get 2 docs changed, but 1 of them will not hold up in Court. Going to love the look on the faces of my 3 siblings.....will be priceless!
So I can empathize with you. Siblings are hard to deal with. Especially the narcissistic ones. I was dealt with both a mom and a brother that were narcissists. What a roller coaster ride! You can’t win with them, so don’t keep trying. It will work itself out in the end. Or so the tell me anyway. I’m still working on it.
never spoke to again while she was alive.
My mother was very unhappy when we cut off her b@tsh*t crazy husband who has been violent, and she could not respect the boundaries I laid when I tried to continue a relationship with her. Frequently, she'd try horrible tactics like talking cr@p about us to other family members and having them call us to lay creepy guilt trips. Or trying things like refusing to let me see my grandfather when he visited her house unless we got involved in her planned family activities (that included her nasty husband) and forgave and forgot everything. I ended up having to go "no contact" with her 6 years ago when she tried to get into an argument with me about it in front of my (then) 2 year old after I asked her if we could talk about it later, and she made my child cry. I decided at that point, that my life and the little family I have are worth protecting, and I have no regrets. I am sad to not have my mom in my life, but it was not worth the toxic environment. It made me a miserable person, and that negatively impacted my ability to be a good mother, wife, and friend. I'm absolutely positive if I had continued to have a relationship with my mother, it would have ruined my marriage. My husband saw how crazy my mom's husband is, and that genie can't go back in the bottle. What I gained from it was sense of more peace and sanity than I ever realized I could have in life. Seeing my daughter grow up happy and secure is reassuring, and I'm very happy with the family and friends I have.
I'm sorry you're going through this .
I cut ties with one sister 8 years ago because she stole thousands of dollars from my parents while my father was on his death bed.
I cut ties with another sister after my mom died because she's a thorn in my side and we never got along.
I feel so much better without them in my life.
The only thing I can think of for you to do is get her mad about something again and maybe she'll leave your family alone again.
As someone said... it doesn't get easier. After all is said and done there are no medals for the "good" child. Your reward will be in knowing you did the best you could for your mom.
I did get her to put her assets into a trust, and that helped with my brother not getting money from her, me being the trustee. It was a bit of a pain, though, because my sister used the trust as an excuse to say she had been left out of an inheritance .. so she badmouthed me for the last 6 years and when my mom died she refused to sign anything that let me settle the estate and then sued me for not settling the estate. Just wrapping that up this week.
See all you have to look forward to? Try to get POA, and try to talk with your mom about a trust. Remember, though, what she does with her money is up to her. You can council, but it is still her decision. A mother's heart goes out to her children, especially the prodigal child.
So. What do you think your mother ought to do both for her own peace of mind and to protect her financial security? What approach could she take that you would approve?
And is there anything your sister could conceivably do which you would not one way or another find reprehensible?