Hi guys,
I worked with a woman who was my boss. She retired ten years ago and we maintained communication via email off and on for the ten years. However, this year she lost her husband and has become attached calling me when I’m busy, demanding my time even after an email . Wanting to know my every move and business.
She has no family, she is 35 years my senior and lives 40 min away. We have nothing in common other than the old job and neither of us work there anymore. She is making me uncomfortable. She does Seem to have dementia. Why is she all of a sudden so clingy with me? I’m wanting to abandon the relationship. I recently met her for a friendly dinner. After we ended she followed to my car. She eventually when to her own and drove away.
In the ten years since she retired sometimes we would go a year or months without talking, but now she freaks out if there’s no contact after a day or two?
Anone have any advice?
Contact APS on your own and ask them what they'd advise. Make it clear that you are not able to take on her care or supervise her care. She is simply a vulnerable elder you're reporting.
You can do this anonymously so she doesn't know who called.
Encourage her to find friends
I have two ways to do this. The honest way and the easiest way.
For honesty:
Dial the phone.
Tell your friend "I have to tell you that I am so sorry. I am not able to talk with you any more on the phone. I hope that you will find support where you live or that you have friends, family or a faith community to reach out to. I simply don't have time and I am already neglecting the friends I have. Do know that I wish you well."
For easiest way:
"Irene, I am so sorry, but I just cannot talk on the phone with you. It honestly hurts my ears, and I don't speak on phone even with family. One ear is almost deaf and the other hears things at a different tenor on the phone that I find disturbing.
Know that I wish you well."
This honestly is intrusive. If you wish to be nice those are the ways to do it.
If not tell her that you cannot accept her calls any more and block her.
If you wind up speaking with her agai for whatever reason, perhaps suggest she get to her doctor for a full physical because she seems a bit off lately..not like her old self.
Good luck to you.
Or do you mean she needs watch out for this person because she maybe a problem?
Have you thought about suggesting grief counseling? Or maybe she could participate in a grief support group such as griefshare.org.
Tell her that you are busy when you don’t have the time to chat.
Why do you suspect that she has dementia? Have you noticed different behavior before her husband died or is it only recently?
It like it was a weird relationship to begin with. I'm not sure that grief causes people to lose their awareness of social cues, so maybe she wasn't good at relationships to begin with and she's got something else going on, like mental illness/depression in the mix. If anything, someone with early-ish signs of dementia/memory impairment usually make a mess of their phone/address contacts (this happened in multiple of my family members, and am watching it happen to my Mom now). So, she is still able to do some very specific things, including driving herself to meet you places, which would make me personally think it is probably not dementia.
Without going to her home to see if it is in disarray (another sign of dementia/depression), you have no way of knowing what's really going on. You don't have any obligation to do anything, but out of mercy, if you want, you can report her to APS if you know her address (and tell APS you'll be blocking her). Then have peace in your heart that this is as much as you can do for her.