I know others have to be exhausted and overcome by caring for an elder parent. I don't know where to turn.
As far as choosing a topic, there are too many that fit... My Mom (95) has lived with me (my house) for about 20 years. She is very frail physically, but up until very recently she has been mentally bright. For about the last 8 or 10 months she has slipped a bit, sometimes almost indiscernibly - but I've been able to have a close friend/neighbor help her so I could get away for short breaks or for a long day. I call frequently, but if I don't reach her - usually get a "busy" signal when we have calls-waiting and that should never happen, but she's pushed "intercom") I freak out/call neighbors to check, drive home, etc.. In the middle of June, she fell in her bedroom and broke her right hip, right wrist, and aggravated an old lower back fusion. She was in the hospital for 6 days, and then I transferred her to a rehab/skilled nursing facility that had been recommended by several sources. I committed her to Hell for a week - they literally ruined her feet (she has bad circulation - not diabetes - but very vulnerable. Any wounds take months, with skilled wound care, to heal. The facility didn't "float" her heels and dragged them against the sheets when moving her. They became very sore, then black and "necrotic". They also put pressure stockings on her roughly/inproperly and tore huge wounds on the tops iof both feet. (This was in Salem Oregon, Salem Transitional Center). I had her transferred from there to another facility, which has been as good as could be expected. The wounds and her heels still are not healed, but are better... I'm pursuing charges through Medicare and the State Ombudsman again the facility, have ruined their 5-star FaceBook rating (all the "reviews" were left by employees), but now am facing the probably that she will be coming home. She wants desperately to be home, but I am terrified my life - little independence I actually have - will be done. Selfish? There is only me - no other relatives - she doesn't have Medicare Part B, only Part A which doesn't cover many home help solutions. I'm excited and happy she's actually getting better with therapy and rehab in her current facility. I love her with all my heart. But I'm 66, and have pretty much given up the last 15 years of my life to her - and actually some years before that as far as "companions" - and, for example, have not had the chance to meet a partner/have a relationship for myself - my life. It just wouldn't work... If she comes home - even if she's considered to have pre-fall capabilities - I'll now be afraid to let her out of my sight! Her bones are very soft, she is blind (macular degeneration), uses a walker at all times, and I wouldn't trust leaving her now even to run errands. I'm tired, scared, and want her home emotionally, but want a life for myself too. We don't have the resources to privately pay for outside help to come in and there is no insurance - even Medicare - to help...I guess I got carried away and vented here... Three months of visiting her every day - 45 minute drive each way - paying stacks of medical bills, and listening to her constant complaining about the food, the aids, being lonely (I can understand all that), and constant pleas, and sometimes demands, to come home have exhausted me... I end up frequently just crying when I get home... I don't feel like keeping anything up - My house is a mess, my yard is a mess, and I've gained 10 lbs. in 3 months... I don't think there's really anything anyone can do, but it sort of feels good just to be able to share this...Sorry for the lengthy post if you've made it this far...
It is one thing when you were 46 and your Mom who was 75 came to live with you. But 20 years later, there is a huge difference because you are now in your own age decline. You probably already noticed you don't have the energy to everything you did back when you were in your 40's. Yet, our parent(s) still expect the same level of care.
You're not selfish at all. Curious, did your mother take care of her parents? If not, she doesn't understand everything that you are going through. Also curious why your Mom came to live with you at 75? Did she have health issues back then?
My Mom [97] fell recently at their home and it was a serious fall, Dad called me in a panic, Mom is now in rehab/long term care. Today I got a call from the rehab that she was found sitting on the floor next to her bed, she is ok. I wasn't surprised as Mom probably forgot she couldn't walk and got out of the bed to use the bathroom, and I can't blame the rehab center as it is impossible to have a "sitter" watch an elder 24 hours a day... in fact a few years ago, Mom had fallen out of bed at home with Dad right there.
I have decided as of today not to visit my Mom every day, I am to a point of sheer exhaustion.... I thought my Dad could manage on his own until we got a call mid evening saying he was hungry... geeze, that man cannot make himself a sandwich. So I hire caregivers to help him. My house is also a mess, I had to hire someone to clean up the yard as the weeds were taking over, and found I had also gained about 10 lbs... what's up with that, I am not eating more??? Oops, never mind the chocolate has found a path to my door.
Image, can your mother qualify for Medicaid? Check into that, as the State will help pay for your Mom to live in a nursing home. Just tell the Social Worker who is following your Mom that you just can't be her full-time caregiver at home. Dig in your heels.
Would you be likely to place mom in a facility if there was only one woman who worked there around the clock, 365 days a year and who had no other support?
I would speak with the rep at the facility where she is now and have her accessed to see what level of care she needs, so you can find place for her. They may be able to assist you in doing this.
Is there any chance she would consider looking at assisted living arrangements, or is that even a possibility? I sounds like her care is more than you can provide - and there shouldn't be any guilt on your part for saying that, it's just the reality of the situation.
If you brought Mom home, you would be working all three 8 hour shifts with no relief, no sick days off, no weekends off, no holidays off for the next 5 years. We have writers on this forum who's Mom are 100.
I know this won't be simple. Saying "no" to one's parent is never easy.