I use childlike words but she has no idea what I am talking about. Then, many times, after spending time trying to explain it while she is on the toilet (with no luck), I put her into bed at night and she will have "accidents". We also go back and forth between constipation and diarrhea which is a constant struggle. Any suggestions?
Put her on a toileting schedule, after meals is the most likely time she will have a bowel movement so make sure to take her then. Give her plenty of time, I have read that at least 9 minutes is needed (not sure who came up with that magic number). I have read of others who toilet every two hours, but that seems excessive to me and frankly I'm not that concerned over the urinary incontinence.
Figuring out the constipation/diarrhea cycle will be a bigger challenge. Pay attention to what she is eating. Getting enough fiber and drinking plenty of fluids is essential for health bowels. Be stingy with laxatives if you use them, too much can easily tip you in the opposite direction.
Mom was hospitalized last weekend and was totally incontinent while there and when she first got home. I put two diapers on her the first night home just in case, the regular one with a overnight one over it. Our CNA took over in the morning and said mom is using the toilet again, but she's still using a pad on her.
There is almost an entire aisle in the drugstore devoted to these products because it it is so common.
There are padded toilet seats available which I personally find disgusting but that may help if the patient needs to "sit"
This idea may be far out but have you considered putting up a picture of a nice fat poop where Mom can see it when she is on the toilet.
Can you watch Mom for oncoming signs of needing to go? Just like training an infant there are signs like smelly gas, screwing up the face and holding the belly and sometimes very loud belly gurgling. Keep a log of the times when she is incontinent for a few days and you may find there is a pattern you can follow. Talk to her Dr or nurse about giving a very small warm water enema just as she is about to sit down which could have a reflex action.