Follow
Share

When one sibling was courageous enough to suggest Mom re-consider getting some cognitive testing, she became ballistic armed with sibling and spouse protective attitudes and enabling. Sadly Dad is overlooked entirely, with his worries for the future, seemingly sworn to silence. We were all a close family. How to live respecting her wishes while doing nothing? We know it is fear and pride and pray we are soo wrong.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I am the daughter in law. My husband addressed the issue along with his Father expressing concern for her memory and need to be examined/ tested. The siblings are enabling her denial while shunning their brother. His Mother has expressed concerns to her PCP previously re her memory, but the PCP failed to follow through suggesting referal, testing etc., Today a year later she doesn't remember even that. No doubt it would be easier and more comfortable to not explore the issue further much less be tested. I doubt there's a soul on board here that given a chance to reverse or delay dementia or any illness, would gladly have done so. It remains her decision. Knowing this woman as I do, if she were well, she would never permit her family to be strained with worry resulting in what has already happened. We are simply praying for protection that nothing happens to his Mother, his Dad will stay strong and the family will one day recover.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Understandably, some parents would rather not have their memory lapses or cognitive difficulties diagnosed and analysed. They would prefer to cope as best they can without labels or information about what might come next.

Even so they should consult by their doctor regarding the possibility of medication induced confusion (use a kinder word), Lyme disease and so on. This does not involve elaborate cognitive ability testing. It is merely a conversation guided by her doctor.

I don't know your specific situation so I am going to give general advice here.

One possibility is to move forward without the diagnosis, by concentrating on getting Mom to put her ducks in a row, with your help, regarding financial and medical power of attorney, advance directives and such. Point out in "casual conversation" that like planning for retirement, most people put these things in order at or before her age. Without a diagnosis you can still plan her care level. The only thing you might not be able to do without the medical diagnosis is qualify for certain medications, memory care homes or hospice. And to be honest, the current medications for Alzheimer's don't stop the disease, so they shouldn't be your number one priority. (Advice from our family geriatrician).

If the sister is willing to take the conversation back a notch, by not insisting mom "gets her memory tested for Alzheimer's", it would take a lot of the pressure off.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hello Thomas0611, I'm very grateful you have taken the time to answer my concern... I think I will ask the solicitor whom my dad fired as he has some knowledge of him. Thank you again x
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

pnutbutmchoc: Unfortunately, in most, if not all, cases the elder is NO LONGER IN CHARGE. YOU are now the parent. YOU make the decisions. YOU control the family dynamic. Someone's feelings may get hurt. The alternative of doing nothing is GOING TO BE VERY DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR PARENTS' WELL BEING! There is always going to be someone who is in disagreement...in an situation, e.g. a party is being planned and someone doesn't agree with the food choice. So be it!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

To keep peace in the family. Assure your FIL you are there for him & if he needs to talk or cry just call & it will be our secret. Then you may find out how bad things are & that you are willing to go to docs w them to be second ear in case they didn't get it all. My heart goes out to you. Remember denial...as it can be passed to children...or so our greatest fear.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I have a feeling your FIL doesn't want to make waves so remains quiet. Would it be possible to take him out causally bring up the subject asking if he's noticed changes. In what way. How does that make you feel. If he is only person living w his wife he will see things others don't. When was she last checked for UTI? Maybe she needs an antidepresent med. This may need to be cared for in a sly but caring manner t
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

One more suggestion; I talked my mom into a cognitive evaluation ( over the objectikns of other family members) by telling her it would be good to have a " baseline" by which to measure any future diagnoses. In truth, it was suggested by the geriatric psychiatrist who was seeing her, who felt that at least some of mom's anxiety was fueled by loss of reasoning ability.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

BeBethany: The three sisters should hire an attorney and begin legal guardianship procedures. The gal pal has an attorney who is guiding her. The verbal aggression is a clear sign of moderate to severe dementia, as is changing a will from family to non-family. The judge has seen it all before. Elder financial fraud is common. You have to fight it legally to get a resolution.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you so much, all of you have responded with such heart and wisdom. Experiencing the sting of sibling insults (all motivated by love for MIL) was NEVER imagined. FIL is what I worry about as he is strangely quiet. It might be not only his devotion to MIL, but just trying to survive her anger or outbursts- hopefully nothing worse, but he also has a life to live. I will look into the resources noted and hope legal is completed. Watching her disappear is unimaginable.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It's called tough love, and it is very hard. But for her own good, you have to do what is best. Good luck, It won't be easy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I highly recommend Roz Chast's book "Can't we talk about something more pleasant?" It's available at many libraries in the elder care section. I bet your parents have been enabling each other for decades. If you think your parents are making bad decisions, you're probably right. Your parents are going to need more help, not less. Respecting someone also includes telling them the truth. I think your sibling did the right thing. What good will come from you doing nothing?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Our family (5 living sibs, dad is gone) have had our differences over mother's care off and on for ages. My brother and I are the most "on board" caregivers, and we very often disagree. We've had blowups and months of not speaking--all due to us all being very stubborn people.

But, yes, you can all get together and work for the common good. But everyone has to agree to disagree. So, you may find that in your particular situation, no, there may never be complete agreement.
We never tried "mediation" but I would certainly consider it if my mother became so fragile she wasn't safe living in her apt. with just my brother's family there. (Brother is intent on keeping her at home "no matter what".)

If your mother is sound enough of mind to understand that she was to undergo a mental assessment, I can see why she'd be upset. Esp with your dad being alive and involved. Talk to him, see what he thinks. You can't really yank her out of the house and force her into testing. Agree to disagree and try to be calm and patient. Maybe right now is not the time. I don't really know of any families of more than 2 siblings all being in agreement about a parent's care. So, you're not alone. At least people care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello all, my dad is 91yrs. He has bowel cancer, secondary to liver, is now thought to be lymph as well. A huge incisional hernia and an 80mm AAA. 15 months ago he was given 48hrs to live, a Harttman procedure was performed. His non love in girl friend wanted him to go to a hospice. I'm an experienced ambulance worker and as always being a 'daddy's girl' I gave up my job and brought him back to his home where I moved in to be his full time carer. When I changed his stoma, his 84 yr old girl frien of 9 yrs wouldn't even be in the same room and refused point blank to assist in any care giving whatso ever. After six months of 24/7 care, I must admit fatigue was getting to me, he didn't pay me anything but continued to sign cheques that his g/f had written out to herself. I went to see his GP, his solicitor but they said there was nothing they could do as he appeared to have full mental capacity. ..... Now this is where I think they are wrong? He has seen 7 GP's as they pass him round as he is so rude and obnoxious to them. Macmillan nurses refused to continue visiting because of his rudeness, Marie Curie too. He has now sacked his solicitor! The performing surgeon has passed him to a collegue, my dad will not accept that a reversal of his colon cannot be performed.
In my mind he has always been a difficult person, my mum was an angel but hospitalised because of breakdowns, after living there with him I can now see why. I'm home in my own home now at his and his g/f insistence & he is managing, he is still driving, one of the GP's gave him the all clear!
Today I've had a call from a social worker who has said that my dad wishes no further contact with me or my sisters, we are all so hurt. What's more... His girlfriend is now officially his next of kin and sole beneficiary. I was the Executrix of his will which was to be divided 3 ways equally between my sisters & myself... My dad has a very good neighbours who I'm very fond of and pass information to me. Is there anything more I can do? Thank you x
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

In the meantime, I'd make sure that mom and dad have their affairs in order, Durable POA, Healthcare POA, etc.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I hope that your mom gets checked. As Babalou said, many conditions that mimic dementia are reversible. One in the news lately was Lyme Disease. Maybe if your parents know this, they will be more willing to move forward.

One way to help families who are at odds is family mediators. This may seem extreme, and for your family it may be, but what it entails is that a third party - generally hired through a family services agency (nonprofit) - sits with the family to discuss the issues and suggest alternatives. This person is often a social worker with a lot of knowledge in the area that you are concerned about.

People are often less defensive when a third party is present, which can keep conversations on track. This is something to think about if you see no way around the family turmoil.

We're wishing you the best,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with Vegaslady. Whoever in the family is seeing the cognitive decline should be in contact with that parent's medical provider asap. There are many medical conditions, many reversible, that can mimic dementia.

A line i used on my mom once..." you're too smart to do something this stupid". The issue at hand had to do with breast cancer, but it's always fear driving the denial and avoidance.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I can't see how the previous answer was useful. Who is it that you think should be tested? Mom or Dad? If "respecting her wishes" is allowing harm to happen to either or them, then you may not be able to do that. Contact their medical provider and express your concerns and ask for advice on how to proceed. If there is imminent danger involved call Adult Protective Services to request an investigation of your concerns.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Any human being can suffer mental decline,
especially with advanced age.
But many keep their mental powers until death.
Here are four forms of possible decline:
(1) consciousness and self-awareness,
(2) memory,
(3) language and communication,
(4) autonomy.
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-PER-D.html
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter