Follow
Share

Hello everyone. Its been a while since Ive posted. First the good news. My oldest daughter is now in college. When I first began posting here she was starting high school. Ive been working outside of the home for the past two years. Beyond that things are still the same. For those of you just tuning into my saga, my children and I moved in with my father four years ago. My sister who has POA, pays for Home Health Aide to come in Monday-Friday 9-5. Although the home health aides usually make their own hours and come in from 10-4. (without permission of course). The other evening my father got aggressive Screaming and pointing in my face and threatening to "do worse " When I told my brother about the incident and suggested its time for Assisted Living he said thats not a reason for Assisted Living and that he would only go there if he could no longer get around on his own. He only needs assistance with meal preparation, medication management, laundry etc..all of the things that he would get in Assisted Living. My family is expecting to me to simply ignore him and focus on the blessings of caring for him. HUH?? This man is verbally and emotionally abusive on the daily. Then after he goes into one of his rages like he did the other night, he says it will never happen again He has always been a narcist and difficult to get along with. He has mild cognitive difficulties, nothing too extensive but his neurologist wanted to place him on aricept but my sister refused. So lets see they dont want him on medication or in Assisted Living,,,they simply expect me to feel blessed to be there. What can I do ?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
W shall all be there as you move.. and despite our nagging and bullying you, I for one understand its very difficult [esp in the circumstances] of changing your behaviour, which you were groomed for back as a baby probably.. Now as you pack.. I want you to start having some mantra responses for your sister.
When she tells you to do something. here are a few!!
"Sorry slavery ended in this country in *** "[sorry I dont know USA history]
"Gosh do you want me to call you an ambulance if you cant do something that simple you must be sick."
"Delegate, delegate, Im your sister not your object"

"What you want me to do that?? OK now I no longer get free board that you claim and have rammed down my throat. My fees are $200 for that job" please deposit it into my account first before I am able to do it"
and any that you have thought about for year but not been able to do it.
Please save yourself $10 and on the first night of your new abode, for you and your daughter to go on out and buy takeaways, then go home and sit on the floor and have a picnic..
I did that with my daughters but here we have fish n chips, eating out of the newspaper to keep them warm.. it was our rite of passage, and celebration of our freedom when their father left
When I shed tears and worried that Id put my daughters into a pickle, I remembered that meal often and how we had that sense of relief come over us.
So call it the 'First supper'
BTW you are not available for a whole 10 days to go check on your father once you move. He wont want you.. after all hes slammed that down your throat for ages.
I wish I was closer to where ever you are. but it doesnt matter you have a gang of friends on here, who are SAVING you and your daughter.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

toomuch - so glad to hear you have made that decision. Get out as soon as you can. Your sis us POA - her problem not yours! Look after you and your daughter and good luck with the apartment hunting. ((((((hugs)))))
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hello valued friends :) So I will not be moved out before he comes home which is tonight, the good news is that Im making proogress .I took your advice and told my sister I would be moving out. Im going to look an apartment tomorrow and also on Friday. Im going to keep looking until I find something. I really appreciate you all for encouraging me. Already we are back to the same nonsense. My father is being released today, my sister cant seem to handle picking him up by herself. I wanted to get home and prepare myself since I know he is going to be a pain. Meanwhile she well take her normal position on the couch, while Im back to doing everything. I alsoI told her since my daughter is not feeling well. I wanted go straight home of course she got an attitude until i agreed to go. She cant be bothered to carry his dirty clothes or anything. Ive had it .So I hope I get one of the apartments Im applying for. Thank you all for keeping me encouraged and motivated. My wonderful "vacation" is over.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

"We really all do care for you and actually also your father."

I don't care for or about the father, since he's an abuser.

Get out!! Such good advice from those who posted already. Do it now while he's in the hospital!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Toomuch4me, darling girl, you may have said and screamed those words but your actions have always spoken louder. While you continue to behave as the household servant, that is how you will be treated.

So what's the plan now?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What kind of country have we become that a caregiver, who is being abused, cannot leave her abusers without worrying about yet another sword of Damocles? Her sister, who is POA, could accuse 2M4M of virtually anything. Are the authorities going to drag her back to her abuser's home or haul her off to jail for running away from him? I think - nay, I pray - not!

If your dad is in the hospital, I agree that now is your chance to get out quickly and cleanly. Send a letter registered mail to your father's primary care physician notifying him/her that you have left because of his verbal threats to "do worse" and be done with your toxic family members. You deserve kindness, understanding, and love. Build a new life for yourself and don't look back.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I hope you are packing right now. A danger of just walking out when there is no one there to tend crusty ol dad is that you could potentially be accused of elder abuse by leaving your abusers! On the other hand, if you give (preferably written) notice to the hospital and possibly sister, then you are covered. Run! Pack up the kids and go. This us your chance!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Tell your sister you are leaving and as she has POA she will be responsible for his care when he leaves the hospital.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Agreed - take advantage of the situation to get out. This is not healthy for you nor for your father to get away with his abusive treatment of you. You deserve better. Pleading for that from your family will not make it happen. You have to take action yourself. ((((((hugs)))))
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Then now is the time to inform your sister that youa re NOT her slave etc and let her have her screaming match without ganging up and using your father as the battering ram and blackmail.. Inform the hospital that you are leaving and until your father has improved well enough to cope with just aides organised by your sister , he may not be able to come home.. Really this is a real blessing.. couldnt have asked for anything more for you.. pack and go.
Their contempt has gotten all the way down to the bottom of planet earth and all I can do is want to set a match to it.
We really all do care for you and actually also your father.
Seems you have a sister like I have. She was her daddy's darling first born with curly hair. Sent to boarding school cos she was so dumb, still didnt learn anything and in his last year of life she suddenly was available again.. didnt do much but the ounce she did was well shouted from the roof tops. Seems [ according to another sister] that he gave her all his cash etc.. probably $4K plus what he had told us all for many a year. $1K each in an envelope in case we ever needed emergency funds. .. We shall never know if she was meant to share it around, or if her curls and first born status meant she needed it all.
So you see we all can identify with your hurdles. I can look on mine with contempt and shrug off as I need. I am no longer loyal to anyone. I see that my Ma is cared for as she lives in her hell of memory loss, and a secure unit. My uncle and aunt were my saviours, and who I bonded to.
Do you have a friend that you can go and stay with on a temp basis whilst you find new accommodation??????
The time is right so they say, I hope you can take advantage of it
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

What you just wrote Countrymouse, is what Ive said and SCREAMED and cried so many times over the past four years. "I am your daughter, not your servant.." Meanwhile he doesnt want my sister to lift a finger to do anything. They will be both be sitting in the livingroom on the couch and he will call me over to adjust the heat. He will never get past the rent focus, even though I buy all of the food for the house, toiletries etc. The home health aides he has coming to the house contribute to the whole "she doesnt pay rent.." discussion. They are instigators from the very beginning. I do have a health update about my father to share with you all. He is in the hospital with a collapsed lung. Right now he has a tube in his chest to drain the fluid. Needless to say Ive had some peace and quiet today. He will be in the hospital for a couple of days. If it were up to me, I would take this opportunity to get rid these unprofessional, meddling Aides that we have now and get professional ones from an agency. But its not up to me.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

"Dearest Poppa. This is indeed your house, and I agree that I do not pay rent. Nevertheless I am your daughter and not your servant, and I am oh so tired of your treatment of me. Would you prefer it if I left?"

If the answer to this simple question is abusive or unsympathetic, you do then have to follow through, is the only thing. But to be honest, isn't it high time?

Muffincat, thank you for describing how it feels to be afraid of people who are supposed to love you and, most of all, for getting away! Hugs and hugs.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

What Muffincat said!!!!!!!

Just do it. Yes it's the nuclear option, but they aren't going to "get" anything else, sounds like.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Dear 2M4M... We fully understand that its easy to fall into that social family ditch and its sometimes easier to just crawl along it for peace... well since everyone else supports me in my attitude towards this then B***** peace. WE care for YOU,.....
I had a husband who fought.. and argued.and I put up with it for the daughters's sake.. then realised that if I said nothing it would defuse the situation.
So get those responses ready.. Like
" I hear what you are saying but Im not taking part"
"Have you realised what falls out of your mouth? is that really in your mind"...
"Since when has my kindness given you the right to be abusive"
It really sounds like your father thinks he is king and its backed up by the Queen. YOU dont have to help them in their grandeur hallucinations.
Now I probably have an ostrich and a donkey as my previous life sessions.. Cos that would have me leave the dishes that they leave for a whole week and have them back on the bench when they arrive. put them in the garbage bin and under the staircase for the week.. and place back on the table as you leave for the evening..
Does your father physically attack you or just a screaming match with threats ???? He is obviously scared that you will leave and so blackmailing you. which is more reason for you to leave and take the kids and your possessions and get out. THEN the queen and king will suddenly realise the truth and he go into assisted care.
I really feel for you, its like marriage break up.. the responsibility of the children to see that their future is OK, and the physical and mental anguish of organising and getting out. Only you can do it
I cried I think for the first 6mths of my marital split, then put on my pink girly panties and got on with life. it was far superior to what it had been.. but very very scary.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

So don't come home right after work! Then he can't beat on your door. Text sis ( no phone call,,, that will lead to argument) that you got "hung up at work" or "will be late".Its on her then!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Why don't you just stop letting these people treat you like this and leave. You survived without them before. You can survive without them again.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If I just went went to my maid chambers, my father would come and knock on my door or simply open it. "When is supper going to ready ??" with his face all angry. If I refuse, then it turns into the whole ITS HIS HOUSE I DONT PAY RENT BLAH BLAH BLAH. Trust and believe, I have tried many ways to avoid these weekly rituals.,
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Forgot to add that they think because I have children they should be helping to serve them...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

When you come home, you have to fix their plates etc.

Suppose you just don't fix their plates. Suppose you come home, go to your room, and stay there until they leave and they can fix their own dam' plates. What are they going to do? Break the door down? Have you frogmarched to the kitchen in leg irons?

And on the Saturday night sister specials, if she hasn't brought whatever accompaniment your father asks for you don't rustle it up. You say "oh dear, no, sorry Dad, she didn't bring any of that. Tsk tsk, maybe she'll remember it next time." Then serve him what she's brought, if you like, and if it doesn't throw out your existing dinner plans. Or pop it in the freezer for another time.

They're not making you, you know. You're allowing this. Stop!!! Discover your inner beastie with teeth and claws and a teensy little bit of a temper when it's justified. No row short of physical violence can be worse than your leading a life of constant defeat.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I love y'all I do. This has already made my day. For those of you that have tuned into the saga, you already know that my sister is the Queen. Anytime I have given any sort of push back on being the resident Sunday Slave or even some Saturdays too...there is always a near war. For instance if my sister buys him something to eat on Saturday night he will ask for something to go along with it that I will have to make. I remember telling my sister I was not going to make anything extra and it turned into a big argument. If I tell them Im going out, they will have one of the Home Health Aides come to cook but then the Home Health Aide will leave at 4pm he Home Health Aides have no problems saying that I will be the one serving their dinner. . So that means when I come home, I have to fix their plates etc. Not to mention, my father also gets a gourmet breakfast on Sundays pancakes, sausage, coffee, juice...he really thinks he is living in an upscale Assisted Living. I swear Im usually more tired from the weekend than I am from working during the week.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think this board has a new project! I love muffincat's idea on how to quickly and cleanly cut your family of this disgusting habit of your being the Sunday Slave.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with enough is enough of Sunday dinner guests.

Inform them this week that you have plans on Sunday and what time will they be stopping by to pick up dad to take him out to eat.

And from here on in, they are either bringing food in or taking you ALL out.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Good grief!

Since your Sunday "guests" are behaving like spoiled children, treat them like spoiled children. Give named individuals clear instructions and persist until each person follows it through. "John, please set the table. Alice, please fetch the silverware. Fred, please clear the plates and put them by the dishwasher." And so on. Stop being the skivvy and become the materfamilias instead. They might be in for a shock but they'll soon get used to it and it will be good for their rusty souls.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My jaw fell off regarding the sun dinner..
I look forward to the report next Mon... cos 2 hrs before you are meant to be slave, you will text and state.. Please bring takeaways with you this week. I have not cooked. I would like ***** and some***** thanks.
There is that lovely saying about folk can only treat you like muck if you allow them. Your allowances have just been stopped by US ALL on this group topic. No more martyrdom.. no more submissive behaviour. .. You sound a wonderful person to know, Just remember the dog that has to have its tail chopped off is far better to have it done with one sharp swift cut, than every week so that it doesnt miss it.
I shall be sitting on your shoulder giving you dutch support.. And when the family want to know why by Sun [since you have time to twiddle your thumbs] count up the number of meals you have prepared and cleared away for over the past ** time and smile sweetly and say .. You have had your allowances stopped and the new you doesnt have slavery on a sunday allowed.. Next week they can either bring pot luck or as we say in this country. "Bring a plate" or have the meetings at their home and collect your father after breakfast would be good so that you can go out to a event for lunch. then they can bring him home after dinner.
Bet that has your sister gasping for air..
I hadnt realised my other siblings [3] were doing similar to my sister. So I stepped in and after a family meeting and they saw that we two had become a gang, they soon stopped their delegations etc. Once we had Ma settled into the dementia secure unit, and I noted several emails coming expecting orders to be followed... they got one short sharp response with the rest home phone # and address and that they could also either visit or ph. That my ph system didnt work and I wasnt their slave.
Peace has reigned for the past 18mths. They get informed of any changes, otherwise its silence of mutual distance. I feel for you.. and you have had some very good responses from here
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I understand you feel like you have a job so you should not move. Right now nationally we are at minimal unemployment- job seekers are at low. I believe you can find a great job elsewhere.

I understand about not wanting to cause upheaval in your children. However, as far as your junior goes, it is horrible for her to have this turmoil at home and be unprotected from what she likely sees as a nutty terrorist who lives for your discomfort. 

Does she attend a selective high school? If not, chances are good that a safe NJ high school would be just as good. We tend to think that familiar is better, but safer home life is what you want.

The book is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Dear toomuch4me,

I feel for you. I think there is always one sibling that takes on the majority of the duty and responsibility with no validation or acknowledgement. I too felt like I was being treated like a servant in my own family.

I know Dr. Phil and many others say we teach people how to treat us. When you mentioned Sunday dinner, it hit so close to home. For my father's sake, I would try and organize Sunday dinners before he passed. I would buy the food, sometimes cook the food and then also do the clean up. There was never a word of thanks for anything.

I know its hard to break away from family sometimes. I keep trying to read about respecting boundaries.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Thank you all of for your advice. I was watching a Lifetime Movie yesterday and it pretty much summed up what everyone has been saying, Abuse wont stop until you leave or it kills you. Imagine that, learning something from a Lifetime Movie. My family expects me to be a martyr as someone stated. Prior to moving in with my father I was working from home with a company that helps people find Assisted Living for their aging loved ones. If I were still there, it would be much easier to move out of state. The company closed and it took me a while to find my current position. Great jobs are hard to find. My job is awesome because they are flexible with time off, work/family balance etc. Im not planning on leaving my job. Another thing is that my girls school is excellent. My middle daughter is a junior and Im not trying to make drastic moves. So Im going to find something nearby. Just to give you an example of what I go through, my sister comes over for dinner every Sunday. It is expected that I not only cook, but also serve them. I mean set the table, put their food on the plate etc. They literally sit there and act like they are in a restaurant. Then they leave their dishes on the table. This is every Sunday
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Youve been 'blessed" for 4 yrs now its time to "bleed" someone else. GET OUT.
and yes it will be hard. but you know its not your problem
Mutter that saying" Its not my circus, its not my monkey..
Your siblings have chosen to tell you its their circus but your monkey.
Get it off your shoulder immediately. Give them 2 wks notice that you are no longer going to be available. Find some accommodation, stick with the job you have and travel. tighten the belt, and within a few months I bet life starts living for you.
I hate reading about how siblings blackmail family members. and the parent increases their abuse and bullying.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Would it be possible to find a higher paying job in a place where the cost of living is not so high? What kind of job did you have before you were asked to move in with your dad?

You really need to get out of there for you sake and that of your children. It is not a good or safe environment.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Definitely ditto what everyone here says. You definitely need to leave for your own sanity and health. Your siblings are obviously taking advantage of you. I would film
his outbursts (as a form of protection) and start looking now for a better place to live.

The problem with aggressive, abusive elders is that they often will NOT be accepted into assisted living, but into dementia care instead. That type of behavior is not tolerated from what I've seen, but instead shunted into lock down type units. But so be it.

From what I've seen in my lifetime, anytime an abusive person has someone in a one down position, they will become more and more abusive until that person becomes
an empty shell, becomes ill or dies, or they leave. Leaving is the only sane option. Staying becomes an unappreciated and unacknowledged kind of martyrdom.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter