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We weren't meaning that you were a freeloader. Just that if dad goes to AL, you'll need to leave.

So, what's your plan? Put it in place and leave.
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I don't mean this in a snarky or sarcastic way, I promise - but thanks for the reminder that not being a sole caregiver is not necessarily a bed of roses. I often wish for someone to help, without thinking about how little "help" they might be....
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Ive lived on my own right up to the moment I was asked to move back in with my father. All of the struggle I went through was heaven compared to this ongoing nonsense. So my intention and goal is to not to take over the family home. I tell my father that all of the time. I do not want his house. I am not going to leave my current position. I have been at my job for two years and am well respected. I am not a freeloader.
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So... what's your plan?

I'm delighted for your daughter, btw. Many congratulations to her, and I wish her every success in her studies.

To return. Okay, suppose your siblings had a complete change of heart and agreed with you that your father should be moved to a facility and that went ahead. Then where would you go? Because if your idea is that dad is shipped out and you continue to live in the family home... that wouldn't be happening. Your father's house would presumably need to be let or sold to maintain him, facilities being notoriously expensive, and you'd have no right to stay.

Being on your own with dependent children is scary and I sympathise. But at some point you're going to have to move on, and you'll feel better about it if it's your plan and your idea and not just events pushing you out.

I"m sorry your family isn't more supportive. I can imagine how disgusted you felt with your sister's precious reaction to your father's outburst (goodness, I still seethe at the memory of 'your brother finds it so depressing to see your mother now' - the poor dear), and how enraging it is to be told be grateful for this sh*t sandwich.

But, so, you're in charge. How about your employer, or a new employer come to that. What prospects are open to you to improve your situation? The upside of your father's treatment of you is that you can walk away feeling nothing but relief. All you need is somewhere better to go.
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What kind of work do you do?

Yes, nyc is expensive, but there are inexpensive neighborhoods, there is NJ right across the river. You CAN RELOCATE.
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NYC is very expensive. Can you change jobs and move somewhere else less expensive? If your father is in assisted living, you will have to move in any event. Best if you start to work this out so you have somewhere to go. Once you have started getting out, you will feel better able to cope interim, but the reluctance of your brother and sister - well why should they care since you do all the work? They should be ashamed, but probably will never come around til you are gone and they have to.
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You need to move.

Even if you were to succeed in getting Dad placed in a facility..you would have to move. You know your siblings would not allow you to remain at that point...yeah? So, do it now.

Announce to your siblings that you will be moving on Nov 1st...then do it.
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I agree, time to get out nd leave it up to siblings.
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Room and Board is all . On the weekends I prepare his meals and give him his medications since the Home Health Aides no longer come on the weekends. My family feels the room and board is all I need. In fact my father regularly throws in my face in one of his weekly rages that "I dont pay rent and that he can take me to court and have my children taken from me " Not only that but he also tells his home health aides that I dont pay rent and that they dont have to listen to me. So they take full advantage, bring their teenage children to work and their children bring their friends... Ive looked into housing. Ive even tried to reach out to shelters but unless you are being physically abused they do not offer any help. Im open to any housing suggestions, Im in NYC, and the average rent is 1200.
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YOUR safety and that of YOUR DAUGHTERS is most important. MOVE OUT. gladimhere's question is a good one -- are you being paid something other than room and board? Or is room and board expected to be all the compensation you get for putting up with this abuse?
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Do you have somewhere else you can go? I am with Golden, get out if you possibly can. When dad becomes irate call 911 and have him taken to a facility that can help him. Or drop him off at an ER, tell them you can no longer provide the necessary care.

I hope you are being paid something other than room and board (which many siblings often think is sufficient) for the care you are providing.
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Thank you for your responses. For some reason, I got no notification that anyone responded so my apologies for my delayed response. My sister was there the other evening when the incident occured She sat right on the couch and did nothing. On top of that she made it all about her and said if that ever happens again she will not come over because it was "traumatic " for her to witness.
My siblings think the solution is to ignore him and brush off what he says. Meanwhile my brothers avoid him at all costs and my sister knows she can simply go to her own house when he starts acting crazy. They dont look at the bigger picture. Anything can set him off. Whether its a phone call, a slight repair that needs to be made, if me or one of my girls asks him to come out of the bathroom because we need to wash up for work or school. Anything that happens is taken out on me. Ive put up with it for four long years.
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Can you find somewhere else to live. This may well get worse and that is not good for your children or for you. Your sibs are in denial as to your father's illness.
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Video the next outburst on your phone.. or have someone else do. It may enrage him more, but that's in your favor. Show this to brother and sister. It may or may not help, but its worth a try.. and if you get hurt at some point you have proof you tryied to get help
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