How do you deal with a wife (in my case) that resents having your mother in the home?

Your wife and children should come before your mother, if your mother becomes a problem then it is time to put her somewhere. Make up with your wife and let her know she is first. Sounds like you love your mother more than your family. Sorry if I am wrong but that is how it sounds to me. Good Luck

Wow, I am in the similar position with my husband and his Dad living with us, We moved him in gave him our room and now we live in the second living area. I never new him before this and am a little resentful that now I have to deal with it. His Dad has alzheimers and lashes out at me because I am the care giver. I fully understand were your wife is coming from, Its not her parent or her fault for how she feels. Was she a part of the decision to bring your mom in the home? Its hard to try and explain how or why she is feeling those things but it might be as simple as jealousy of now she has to share you and everything with your mom. I am having similar feelings for different reasons, Just sit with her alone with no mom and talk and don't react when she does tell you why or get defensive that will just make her shut down and get worse, Its not worth losing your wife over because really when mom is gone what do you have left, I would look into a home for her, My husband did tell me that if at any point I can't handle it then his dad will go into a home because he is not going to lose his wife and children.

First of all you are not married to your mother, I would like to hear your wife's side. I saw this happen to my sister. There's a lot more than you are telling.

Oh, Ok, Austin, I thought that it was a needle pulling something.... Thanks for the explanation.

AC is the site for caregivers a thread is a group discussion that relates to one aspect of care giveing -one part of the community activity anyone can start a thread by asking a question and other will respond with their ideas or experienced or sometimes just wiyh moral support -other times with anger or worse. The Grossed out-my mother is using my toothbrush.------- started out 2 yrs ago by a wearyworn lady who was trying to cope caring for her mother.

I'm not sure why the end of my post was deleted above...it originally read, "yes, I agree. He needs help. FRom his unappreciative, nagging wife. "

To expand a bit on Eddie's comments, I'm not sure it is easy for any adult woman to play 2nd fiddle in her home (wife, mother, sister or otherwise). It might not work for a man either - I can't speak to that.

I do know I resent the heck out of being treated like the hired help (with zero pay, mind you) and having my husband appropriated as my MIL's "surrogate". It's not in my nature to be confrontational, but I had to pitch a mild fit to get either one of them to understand that I really didn't think it appropriate to be relegated to the back seat of my own car! I'm not opposed to yielding that space to a guest as appropriate, but I really do not appreciate being demoted to also-ran in absolutely every communal aspect of home life. My gripe list is long, but this isn't the time...

To Burnout, I'm don't mean to say that your perspective on this situation is wrong at all. You wife may be coming from an unreasonable and selfish place - we can't know that. I do get the impression, though, that she is feeling slighted, unloved and overlooked, and I have some sympathy there. My suggestion would be to check out Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages." It's not rocket science, but it might offer some insight and some tools to help you express care for her in a way she can recognize. It might also help you identify and ask for what you need from her in order for YOU to feel cared for and fed too. You guys may be working mightily to love each other - but not in the way your partner can "hear." In the face of EXHAUSTING elder care, it's so much more difficult to remember to put the first work on the marriage.

Good luck to you, friend.

Yes , I agree. He needs help.

burntout, you seriously need help

Cattail- if I seemed hard it wasn't intentional. I do feel for his situation and believe he's got allot on his plate. We all took time out to tune into his concerns and tried to help.

What is a "thread"? Doe, a deer, a female deer; ray, a drop of golden sun; me, a name I call myself; fa, a long long way to go........Now what is a thread?

Kathleen: I think you might be being a little hard on Burnout. He's dealing with some frustration, a lot of it. He's trying to do the best for him mom. She's not ready for a nursing home and they can't afford an assisted living facility. I'm sure there are many folks on this site that are constrained in their choices my money and conscience.

I know a few of you got singled out and that isn't pleasant, but I think his circumstances are difficult and he's doing the best he can. He got hit in every direction with diverse opinions, some of them very strong and he responded with anger and more frustration.

One thing I will say for Burnout, he had a gift for wit and language. So much so that I find it hard to believe his wife was the only one who said hurtful things. I think he takes things to heart. He feels such a sense of responsibility and he wants to be appreciated and supported. Negative comments hurt him and then he lashes out. My guess is that is a discussion in his therapy; "How can you express your hurt without ripping someone's face off." Just a guess on my part and Burnout is more than welcome to tell my I full of it. Quite possibly I am.

I for one will miss Burnout. That Jerry Springer comment kept me laughing all day long. There's not much in my life that will do that these days.

Hmmmm. I find it interesting that instead of B-Out finding someone's comments a possible solution, since many of us gave various avenues for him to think about, he seemed to take more pleasure in lashing out at a few of us in a mean spirited way. The feeling I get is that he believes he has all the answers-and why he later stated he was venting.

I know my experience taking care of my mom taught me more about my self than anything else. Each case, each person, household, finances, in-laws, brother's and sister's etc. are all different and has a positive or negative impact depending on how we view it. That's what I learned. I learned most of all that I had to accept and not expect. If I continued to expect, I was let down, sad, angry and spent. If I accepted that my brother's and sister wouldn't involve themselves I didn't dwell on it. And guess what? Other doors began to open.

A gal across the street suggested watching her 2 days a week. My sister decided to drive down twice a month. My situation was different from B-Out's, it was just her and I. But now it's just me. I'm finally beginning to turn my head around and jump back into life. I felt as though I was in a cocoon. So B-Out - you are talking to people that have similar situations here - and some have less than you and find happiness.

ha ha to the misandry, as it relates to myself at least! i'm about as far from that as you can get. because i hike, camp, fish, backpack and used to rock climb, i have more male friends in my life than female friends. i've been a Den Leader, an Assistant Scoutmaster, and a Camp Commissioner in Boy Scouts. i think men are great, i've been surrounded most of my life by some really wonderful men. been with my husband for twenty nine years, we have three sons, and one daughter who is a tomboy just like me. :D anyways. . .

no one suggested you kick your mom to the curb, we all know how important it is to take care of our parents. everyone here is doing that in some way, shape, or form. what i heard suggested was: counseling for your family, date nights for you and your wife. you said you were burnt out and suggestions were given. i'm sorry your sibling won't contribute. that really sucks.

btw, i think a day of fishing sounds great. i find a lot of peace on a river just casting out my line. icing on the cake is when you actually catch something. good luck.

I agree with you. Many of us truly want to help, and his question seemed like a person at the end of his rope. Most people wrote very caring answers and spent time on this thread to try to help.

I'm going to comment on this thread also. I think there were a lot of caring thoughts expressed. I felt mine were and I hoped they might be helpful. Still I have to agree with Burnout that some of them were taunting and a bit over the top. Some of his rants were a bit wild too. I know we all do our best and tough love has it's place, but maybe we can do better?

would like to make a very serious observation about this entire post. When we read posts that seem to include children, a wife, a husband, and an elderly mother, we take it seriously. Our concern is genuine because most of us have experiences something like or are going through it now.We know that people reach the end or their ropes and need to vent, but usually someone informs us that they are doing so. I always try to avoid taking sides unless someone is in danger. However, there are other posts where people truly need help. Venting is fine and important, but please tell us that you are venting. Actually, the only person that came out of this situation leaving a negative impression was Burnout.Most of us take this forum very seriously and need the help given by our friends. I hope Burnout's wife never sees this thread, because it would really hurt to read what he wrote. He might get what he threatened: An apartment with Mom minus the wife and kids.

It's MISANDRY - which is the opposite of a Misogynist. Women who hate men. HaHa. Frankly none of us would be on this sight trying to help other's if we were either. God bless us all !!! Have a happy Sunday.

I have to go look up MISANDRIST.

having another grownup living in the home is not easy. i know it would b hard on me as well. i'd listen 2 my spouse's needs/concerns, & do whatever's necessary but reasonable 2 resolve this A.S.A.P. caregiving is hard on every 1. it's just not 4 all. i deal w/ an non-family elder who has no family; i'm the closest he has 2 family. however, he refuses 2 accept help. he's a tough cookie, & i just can't help him. he lives in unspeakable circumstances, & i can't fix it. he's always complaining & griping about everything; he's NEVER happy.

I'm sure BurnOut checked out. But his curiosity will look somewhere down the line. He did learn something about himself or should have. We did.

Dear Eddie-- do you take care of someone? You do not sound like you do--- things are never this cut and dry. EVER and do not watch movies to handle life issues-- this is life and those are actors.

Eddie is the voice of reason on this topic I believe.

Well I lied. I said I was checking out from this discussion and I did. I just needed to turn off my email notifications.

Here is the deal. I should not have created this thread and I regret it enormously. Why? Because this is not therapy. In some ways it my be cathartic but it is not therapy.

I was having a really bad day when I created this thread. Truth is, my wife is working on curbing her remarks. She ha Well I lied. I said I was checking out from this discussion and I did. I just needed to turn off my email notifications.

Here is the deal. I should not have created this thread and I regret it enormously. Why? Because this is not therapy. In some ways it my be cathartic but it is not therapy.

I was having a really bad day when I created this thread. Truth is, my wife is working on curbing her remarks. She had a lapse the other day I was wounded a bit. I wish I had done something more constructive than create this thread.

This forum is like the audience on Jerry Springer. They shouting their effn opinions and look for more drama to consume. Granted I they way I laid out the situation makes it look Springer show. It really isn’t that way (at least not most of the time).

Another reason this is not therapy is that no one here knows our situation well enough to judge the situation so quick and sure.

Some see my wife as the heartless villain, while others see her as the helpless victim. Some see me as a selfless man and devoted son, while others think I rule my home with an iron fist. It would be so easy if everything were that defined. But this shit ain’t no sitcom.

The “advice smorgasbord” has been a trip. Some say show more consideration, while other say grow some b--s. I guess I should grow more considerate b—s!

@Eddie- Dude you couldn’t be married to me. We don’t have that in my state. I am far enough north that it will be here soon but I am already taken, sorry buddy. When you say “fix the problem”. What I hear is "kick your mom to the curb". It ain’t gonna happen. We don’t roll that way.

@Kathleenbrandl – Are you smoking some legal weed out there in CA? You come across to me as someone who doesn’t get enough drama from the soaps so you look for it on forums like this. I am sure I gave you plenty to watch but I think I gotta shut it down. BTW my wife is my wife. Included in that is best friend, lover, mother of my children. She is not my “life partner”. She is BETTER than that. I am not homophobic but “life partner” sounds gay to me. Also I never blame her behaviors on PMS or the change life. It seemed you ASSumed I was thinking that. Anyway why is Eddies post good in your eyes and not sylevester18's post. After all sylvester is a guy. Is it because Eddie's seem to take the position of a male apologist?

Then there is Pamelsue who is the opposite of a misogynist. Hell I had to look this one up. To me she is an MISANDRIST. Seems to be alot of that going 'round. I think eddie is a misandrist also. Thats gotta be painful.

Here is what I think. The marriage should come first. And I think for most my marriage we (me and yes..my wife) have tried to do that.

Some of you say I gotta Leave and Cleave – yes the bible says that.

However didn’t one of the ten commandments say Honor Thy Mother and Father. I don’t think these are contradictory.

First of all Mom is not so bad that she needs 24-7 care. Her mind is good but she is physical limited to what she can do. Secondly she does not have the $$ it takes to go to a good care home. Those are reserved for the wealthy. Thirdly, I believe that my sons have learned to be a little more selfless than they would had I not had her with us. For those of you concerned about my sons they do well in school and there friends come over to visit way more than my sons go to there friends homes. Why? Because for the most part we play and laugh and love. My life in my home is not perfect by any stretch. But it is transparent. We don’t pretend to be “perfect”. We got at it sometimes but my boys can tell me they are mad at me without fear. Its not what they feel and say that gets them into trouble as much as what they do. It ain’t always pretty round here but it is real.

My wife and I have had some long talks. I am not going down to the lawfirm Boye, Wecheatham, and Howell to file for divorce. I am really sorry I let my emotions get the best of me the other day when I started this. Next time I have a bad day I am gonna go fishing or something. But I won’t air my dirty laundry on the internet. You guys are nuts. I mean that in love.

Now excuse me, I gotta set my change my email notification

Wow Eddie, No one see's a guy better than a guy. My wish is that we all see the sincere, caring intent that our comments are meant to be. It's tuff to listen objectively and not be on the defensive.

Burnout - does your wife work outside the home?If so, who is with your mother at that time?

Hey burntout, Everybody is just trying to give you some encouragement...I can understand where you are coming from.. you took her daughters in as your own, and even still after they should have been out on their own creating successful lives, they are out partying it up, and then calling YOU to go pick up the pieces because they were too narrow minded or selfish to go home when it was time to go home...it sounds like you have put up with much more shit than I ever would have. If people want to drink, take drugs, etc. etc...then they should be made to hold account for their actions THEMSELVES. You should have allowed her to wake up in a gutter, covered with mud and laying in her own vomit. Especially after the FIRST time you went to "save" her. What's that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
It appears your wife wants you to commit to taking care of HER family when they have needed it, did she once complain that you helped her daughters when they needed you? It would probably be safe to say NO. You, my friend, need to stand up AS THE MAN OF YOUR DOMAIN and tell everybody if they don't like the way things are, to use the door and to not let the doorknob hit them in ass on the way out. I take care of my Mom, ALONE, and one reason for that is I WON'T ALLOW ANYbody how I am suppose to do it, when to do it, or ask WHY I'm doing it. My sisters TRIED that, both of them being 900 miles away in different directions. And my response was, "if you don't like the way I'm doing it, then get your ass up here and do it yourself". And then they bring up the will, my response is " Luckily I am executor, because I will add on the charges of all the years of care I have been doing this alone, at 18 dollars an hour." I will happily divide what's left, if there is any."
See? Everybody's situation is different...my initial thoughts from your original question were that people needed to pull together in your situation, it appears YOU already have, and have yet to see the same respect you've given to your wife and her children, come your way. I feel for you man. But, don't get me wrong on this, you need to take back your kahunas from your wife, (it seems she has them tightly in her grasp) and take back your household. You ARE the man of the house. And I know...that is completely politically incorrect of me to say that, but, I'll use somebody else's metaphor to make my point..."If she was a barking dog, you would put up a fence to protect yourself from getting bitten, and then ignore the barking.".....uh, NOOOO, I would go get a bark collar and END the barking and if you need a fence to protect yourself from being bitten by your dog, then I would say some fear needs to be put into the barking dog, so that dog RESPECTS you and does not bark, growl or even look at you cross-eyed...My heart goes out to you.
Did you ever stop to think, your wife may be jealous of the things you do for your Mom because she is completely incapable of giving of herself for the benefit of her fellow man? Sounds pretty self centered and narcissitic to me.

B:

It's not easy for a wife to play 2nd fiddle in her own home. Look at it like this: #1 -- Mom; #2 -- You; #3 -- Kids; and #4 -- Wife. The last sentence in your post made it crystal clear where your allegiance is. "If it weren't for my kids, I would take Mom somewhere else and walk away from this fiasco." So who's in charge? If I were to visit, I'd probably think your Mom is the wife; and your wife some Home Health Aide about to go ballistic.

If you don't have the movie "Why Did I Get Married?," get it. There's a scene when a husband finally finds the b___s to end the squabbling between his ex and the wife. Another option you have is move out and take your mother with you; because the kids aren't going anywhere.

If I were your wife I'd file for divorce, keep the house, and collect my fair share of child support from my kids' biological father(s). You still love each other, but caring for your mother is driving a wedge between the two of you. It's not your wife's fault; it yours. Fix the problem.

BurnOut--eventually "venting" may lead to "listening" which leads to "action". We can't find a different outcome if we remain on the same course. So Please Vent. Put your ego in your back pocket for a minute. It isn't about who's 'right' - you are reaching out to fix this for ALL involved, and that's commendable.

You want to pick and choose from our comments. Perhaps you may see yourself differently, and that alone is a positive step. It's best not to focus on defending ourselves. Try to see yourself objectively. Not easy - especially when feeling immersed in problems. This site "cares" and it can be overwhelming if we listen with our ego and not our soul.

Remember your 'soul' is unhappy and needs tuning not your brain (ego). Our brains are only computers that store information that we put there. Change that information - and you can change your course.

Our only aim is to guide you since you were brave enough to reach out. Our collective hope is that You find relief and renewed direction. "Seek and ye shall find." That is God's promise to all of us!

NNY -Are you sure about the nursing home because of my experience -you are not responsible for your mothers expensives unless she gifted a large amount of money to you within 5 yrs. of her going on medicaide -which you would have to give back-she should be able to be placed in a NH if she has what medicaide considers too much in assests she would have to spend down by paying for the nursing home bills until she reached the money she is allowed to have to get medicaide the social worker would be able to do this in the NH you choose-which should be close to where you live so you can pop in at different times. When she has reached the amount she is allowed to keep-and her money should be used to preplan her final wishes for a funeral-she will be on medicaide with the social worker appling for medicaide-which they will do becasuse they want to be paid. The 5 year look back period is to make sure she did not give away her assests in order to get medicaide-which was done a lot by wealthy people in the past so the rules were changed-I hope this helps you-you might want to use her money to see an Elder lawyer to get advice what is allowed in your area to be sure but this is how it is in my state-with spouses it is a different way completly and is very sad how the spouse is treated money wise when a spouse goes into a NH-but that is another story.